If I only knew

If I only knew that it was okay to be silly, I would have appreciated more of my silly side.

I would return your contemptuousness in kind with sarcasm.

If I only knew that it was okay to grieve, I would have appreciated more of my chaotic side.

There would have been more time spent strengthening our relationship than building a facade personality to avoid you.

If I only knew that it was okay to cry, I would have appreciated more of my dark moments.

There would be more reflection of improvement than ruminating the outcomes that never existed.

If I only knew that it was okay to fret, I would have appreciated more of my limitations and disabilities.

I would have had an easier time accepting the things I cannot change and found alternate ways to circumvent with what I was given.

If I only knew it was okay to be different, I would have appreciated more of my eccentric side.

The world would be a colorful and interesting place to be in; since, I would have spent time seeking different people, venturing in different places and spending time experiencing different things the world has to offer.

If I only knew it was okay to fail, I would have appreciated more of my naiveté.

There are still so much more to learn about life, love, people and the mysteries of the universe. Why stop now?

If I only knew it was okay to have a meager lifestyle, I would have appreciated more of my blessings.

The joy and gratefulness abounds in so many different ways, your life becomes more fulfilling and worth living for. There is no time wasted on bitterness, resentment or black despondency.

If I only knew it was okay to rest, I would have appreciated more of my quiet time.

My body would not have experienced unnecessary affliction, pain, trauma and strife. 

I am 42. This is the meaning of life. Life; a process of being self-aware, experiencing social and environmental episodes throughout one's lifespan and finding fulfillment in one's own mortality under the influence of nature's vast cosmos.

The Power of Forgiveness

 Would you believe me if I told you my story?

If you came here to read my story, I thank you with all my heart. It's been long overdue for me to share my story. I've been discouraged to share it because it may offend a lot of people. I say this, "Let them be offended. This story is for the people, who are in need of hope and encouragement."

I was born to the arms of a beautiful woman and a quiet man. Thus, I was earthly named, "Beautiful Peace," in my ancestor's native language. I remember my mother's joy when I came to the world. On the 3rd day, she dedicated me to her god. I will spare you the hardships I experienced and witness under my parents' care and upbringing. All you need to know is, the household I grew up in, was full of violence and abuse.

I grew up conflicted and dissident by the way I was treated. I summed up the courage to challenge the god, my mother calls, "the big bully in the sky." The answer came unexpectedly. I was beyond humbled. I felt unworthy because I wasn't Jewish. Yet, the God of the Universe heard me. He sent a lowly Catholic boy, who understood God's love more than I was nurtured to follow. I vowed to dedicate my life to God and asked permission to have the Messiah teach me and lead me personally.

As a very young "Christian," I had hoped my parents would be so proud of me for accepting such a Spiritual calling. To my disappointment and shame they were not. After 35 years wandering in the desert of my humanity, Hashem led me to his people. El Shaddai Elohim be praised; they accepted me into their community to learn the Torah with them. I have begun to understand what the Messiah has been teaching me all along.

Forgiveness is a challenging process. It is not up to us to judge the person who afflicted us, because we are no better than they are if we seek vengeance. Yeshua taught his disciples that we forgive others without limit. 

For as long as I can remember, I have forgiven my parents. After 24 years of aloofness from my father, he called me and asked me to forgive him. The joy of my soul was satisfied but was crushed a year later when he passed away. I had to forgive myself for hoping and yearning that the reconciliation with my father would be fulfilled. 

In regards to my mother, I set boundaries after boundaries only to be mistreated every single time I forgave her. I finally offered this burden to Hashem for it is beyond what I can bare. I have grown weary of the disparagement and impiety. 

I am forever grateful to my daughter's father. He has been a courteous co-parent since our marital divorce. After 18 years, when I connected with him; I learned he forgave me for leaving him. Even though our marital status can never reconciled, he always respected me as a friend. How fitting of him to say that since it is the name I am called by Hashem. 

As Faby and Carlo puts it: "Forgiveness is an act of kindness you do for your own benefit, not others'. It is for your peace of mind and no one else's." To some extent that is what the human understanding of forgiveness is. As Dr Piero Ferrucci states in his book, "My thesis is that true kindness is a strong, genuine, warm way of being. It is the result of the interplay among several qualities, such as warmth, trust, patience, loyalty, gratitude, forgiveness, and many others. Without even one of these qualities, kindness is less convincing and less true."

Yeshua takes the process of forgiveness further. Take for example the stories of Joseph and Job. The parables of The Unforgiving Servant and the Prodigal Son interrelates to their stories. I am aware I am only human, but that doesn't make me unworthy of being redeemed. 

The point I'm trying to make is that it doesn't matter what season you are in your life. God will come to you in your time of need. When you are called, are you going to answer or are you going to run away like I have (for 35 years)?

What is the question?

  To be or not to be a woman. 

I do not have a better way to circumvent the issue between "Pro-life" and "Pro-choice." Honestly, it depends on the situation every woman find themselves in.

One story of a woman who was "Pro-life" changed her perception of reality between keeping her child's overgrown mutation and her own well-being. After taking a thorough consideration due to science and medical technology, her husband agreed to let go of their unborn child to be stillborn. It was evident that the tumor embedded in their child's face, was detrimental to both their health and well-being. She understood what it meant to be "Pro-choice," in the matter of her life experience, as a grieving first-time mother.

I have always considered myself a feminist. In light of the label of itself, I stand solely based on what I know is right and just. If you tell me that all men are evil, I would have to access your opinion based on my ethics and moral compass. 

As a parent, it is my duty to ensure my child doesn't grow up to be detrimental to the community. Despite my upbringing under a Domestic Violent environment, I learned healing is a process - not an antidote to violent circumstances.

As a woman, I need the support and encouragement to assure that the resources available to me are enough to care for another human being. 

I was 23 when I became a mother. The joy of a miracle in my life has shaped my views to what it is today. I recall the moment when I announced to my parents of this wonderful news. It was devastating to them than it was for me. I was aware that I was young and inexperienced. The reason behind their admonition was appalling than it was admirable. They were hellbent in having me abort the child since I was not married at the time. I hesitated because I was taught to honor and preserve life at all costs. 

I chose to keep my child. I believed my child's life was worth the adventure. I have been through the Special Supplemental Nutrition Program for Women, Infants and Children. It's not an easy process to go through. The scrutiny I had to endure was not only stressful but disheartening. I had to ensure that I did not lose my eligibility for my child's developing stage of their life.

I promised myself that I would continue to support my child once I had a better financial and prestigious opportunity. I am grateful to the agencies, who helped me continue supporting my child. The choices I had to make were challenging. Through it all, I managed to get by with what I had. I wouldn't imagine the world without a community, which would refuse to provide help to young women in their affliction.

Society has afflicted women throughout the centuries of abuse. It's about time women rise to speak out. I welcome advocates who choose to speak alongside women. Whether they be our brothers, our sons, our LGBTQ friends or the few good fathers we have left in this world.

It is immoral to be apathetic to the injustices women have to endure every second of the day. It is not my job to always be on a lookout for my safety and well-being. It shouldn't be a normal thing we teach our sons to be men of power and strength. They need to know compassion and empathy as well. Neither is it normal to teach our daughters to be vicious and callous towards men.

Are you for humanity? or are you for yourself - fuck everyone else? How do you want to see a better world for the future generations?

Human Categorization

I know we have labels for everything under the sun. When it comes to species, it is bothersome that we have to classify ourselves by race. I understand if it's for genealogical purposes, but to state otherwise is not only narcissistic, but it's also selfish and demeaning.

I'm going to try my best not to make this all about me. I have learned a lot in school about the different wars that have occurred throughout history. Some were disputes about land, while others were about family feuds. The worst wars were genocide. So many people died; including children.

The thing is, why is it necessary to kill people? Is your ego that fragile, that at any disagreement or opinion, which isn't aligned with your preconceived notions about life in a nutshell, you feel the need to kill another? Why is it necessary to bring others down to make your ugly self feel better?

What is it that triggers you to start hating the other person who is different from you? Why is it so monumental to your persona to always be in the right? How do you know what is right and just? Where does you moral compass lie? Do you truly see yourself an exception to the law? Who died and made you king?

These were the very questions I ask whenever I get infuriated - livid to the point of bloodlust. No one knows why that is. Trust me, I'm doing my best to figure it out on my own. I'll let you know once I determine where all this insatiate anger comes from.

So what changed me? Love. It all started when someone noticed me. They could have taken revenge against me or found an authority figure to punish me. They didn't. 

Overtime, I began to unlearn the hatred, the prejudice and the egocentric perception that the world revolved around me. Yes, I am a Christian. However, my experience in knowing God is beyond traditions and superstitions proclaimed by many other believers I know. I'm not saying that their own Spiritual Journey is invalid. I'm stating that my experience is different apart from those who come to know God in their own personal experience.

Have you ever watched a comedy where someone chimes in, "Oh, they're my brother from another mother!" I used to think it was absurd. After learning about my family tree, it doesn't seem so ridiculous anymore. Everyone is family to me. I love my friends and family wholeheartedly. 

So, how can we heal the hurt and pain that's going on right now? It doesn't matter if someone is right or wrong. What matters is, who needs love the most?

What do you need in your life right now? Do you need a hug? Do you need a helping hand? Do you need someone to cook for you while you rest a while? What can I do to help you where you need it most? Why do I care? Because someone extended that gift to me. The gift of compassion and grace. I want to offer it to you as well. If you want me to. There's no hidden agenda. There's no self-gratification. 

It doesn't matter if your eyes are blue, your hair is green, whether you like heavy metal or short, dark and fat as I am. What matters is your life.

Damn it, life is hard enough. There isn't enough money to go around feeding all the hungry children. I am not the richest person in the world, but I do know places and resources where you can make your future life happen for you. The hope is that you will pass it on.

Can you imagine? The Earth had experienced 5 apocalypses? Was it possible that humans, as progressive as we are now, still passing on hatred instead of love? When are we going to learn? 

The universe is alive and expanding. Why aren't we? Are we all that traumatized to see each other as brothers, sisters, or friends? How many more children have to die?

We need to change the language in our hearts, soul and mind. How determined are you to start loving another person without hate, fear, disdain or envy? Who are you wanting to be? Why are you here for? When will you start loving yourself as you are? What steps will you be taking? Where do you see yourself in the next 10 years?

Into the past and back again to our roots

For all of my family's information's sake, I will keep the background of my family's history to a minimum. Just know that my blog is purposely and intently for me and my descendants thereafter.

My father has always entertained the idea that his family was rich in history (abundant in interesting stories of old). I firmly believed it was so. He fashioned a story so believable, during my childhood years, that my imagination took it further than what reality has revealed from this DNA test.

My great grandfather was born in a small province of Amoy, Fujian - a farming village in the outskirts of Quanzhou. Be it as it may, my grandfather was a merchant and set his dreams to make a fortune in the big city. While he lived there, he got married, and became a successful tradesman. When Emperor Puyi was made a puppet ruler for Japan in Manchukuo, my great grandfather left his family and fled to the Philippines.

He met a beautiful Tagalog (from Maynila) woman and settled in the city of Naga where he set up his restaurant and other business entrepreneurship. My father did not specifically say how long his grandfather settled in the Philippines, before meeting his grandmother; however, his father was born about the time Britain's empire was recognizing Egypt as a sovereign state, and had held Mahatma Ghandi in prison for creating civil unrest in India. When my grandfather turned 5 years old, his father brought him home to China. His half-sister, who is currently in Hong Kong, was the only relative of that side of the family, who accepted him as a brother.

The interesting story about my grandfather was, his adoption of a new identity and naturalization, as a citizen of the Philippines. It was concluded that my grandfather had a legal battle between a rival businessman, who complained to the authorities, that their name was stolen by him. My grandfather won the legal case and thus added the, "Imperial" to his given surname. He also took a Spanish name to appease the maternal in-laws.

My father didn't elaborate much about his life after that. Regardless, my father was a self-sufficient man. He found help to become the only one in his family with a College Degree. Despite his accomplishments, his father left him with nothing but grief. In due respect to both my late father and paternal grandfather, I was never considered an heir of what's left of the estate. Somewhere in China, there is either a land or condominium in my grandfather's name.

I have done most of my research offline, since the Internet didn't become a public resource until 1998. I have traced most of my paternal heritage from the lineage of the Negritos tribe, who have intermarried with the Malays and expanded their exploration throughout Luzon island. The surname, "Yap" derived from a small province of Henan. "Ye" in Chinese means Green, or Leaf as the province was a beautiful countryside enriched with trees and Forest Mountains. My ancestors were mostly noblemen who served the Imperial court as lawyers, advisors and accountants. I was hoping to be a distant relative of the legendary Ip Man, a hero and martial arts master of Wing Chun. Sad as it is to say, that was definitely not the case. *Sigh* (So close... but no cigar 😂)

As for my mother, the stories she told were a blur to me; as her family had more people to take into account than I did for my father. Her father has 3 siblings. Her mother has 8 siblings; 2 of which were blood 1st cousins. My grandmother was adopted by her aunt when her mother fell ill. I don't know who in the family was sexually violated during the Japanese immigration or Japanese-Sino War. It's not something I want to ask or get into either. There are a lot of blood feud within the family; so much so, it's nerve wrecking to open up about it. Her side of the family were prestigious land owners. They were able to settle in the US comfortably in the early 60s or 70s. Both my uncles sponsored their parents (my maternal grandparents, of course) by way of military service in the Navy.

The DNA test in my blood doesn't show any signs of lineage from Mongolia or Japan. I have no idea why the story was related to me.

Nevertheless, I was nervous taking the DNA test with 23andMe.com since there were rumors speculating that this was another government tactic to keep track of you. The thing is, my information is so limited, there's nothing the government can find either from or about me. The only thing Facebook has done was falsely advertise products, which I'm either not even interested in or have already purchased. Amusing as it sounds, no government has time to rifle through the nonsensical or trivial things that I do.

For any family members who wish to connect, you can ask for an invitation to login to MyHeritage.com website. You can add or connect your own genealogy; if you wish - so that we can compare notes, write letters or even social media with each other. I'm not here to disrupt your livelihood. As I have stated earlier, this is to benefit my child's historical lineage and possible future generations to gain knowledge of where they came from.

When you buy the kit, either from a local store or from their website, be sure to keep in a cool, and dry place. I've had the kit with me for a year. I was happy that I was able to afford to pay for the DNA test 2 weeks ago. Along with other tests I was badgered to take.

	I bought this kit at Target. The instructions were very simple
As soon as I opened the box, there was another box which included more instructions. I went online and registered the test tube.
This was how much saliva I produced after 2 minutes	I was bemused that it stated most people produce saliva within 2 - 5 minutes. Oh, we're going to be here a long time if I did that! Do you know how much saliva you can produce while singing? Enough to fill the test tube 3 times versus multiple times (As Brandon Farris did. Yes, this was what prompted me to go ahead and submit my DNA sample)
This was how much saliva I produced after singing a 4 minute song without swallowing the build-up	After 15 minutes, I was able to fill up the line in the test tube. I tried my best to minimize the bubbles, but it was unavoidable. As you can tell from the picture, the bubbles were above the line. It took an additional 2 minutes to understand the next step. Before I broke the seal in which had the liquid-filled top, I gave the test tube a little swirl just to make sure my saliva was still at the line.
Once I broke the seal, the liquid stayed on top while the bubbles were kept intact between it and my saliva. Not that it matters to you, but the science behind this method was fascinating. Thus, my intention of writing this blog and showing you pictures of what I did.

The downside to the last instruction was, the bag wasn't big enough to fill the empty space in the box they had provided. I hate for the tube to be broken; considering the label printed showed "First Class Mail." In respect to who I work for, I've known enough complaints from customers demanding refunds for damaged goods. I'm one of the rare and lucky people, whose mail gets delivered without any drastic issues. There were a few incidents when I had to report stolen mail; but never for damaged ones.

I didn't mail it off immediately because we were still in lock-down order where I live. I have been weary leaving the house because I wouldn't know if there were crazy people out there, who would see my masked Asian butt roaming about - dropping off mail to a USPS Blue Collection box. Leaving the premises of my safe Asian populated neighborhood, reminded me of my time at Keesler Air Force Base.

The thing I didn't realize when I registered my kit was, their system did not automatically create an account for me. I have two profiles in my 23andme account. One that has my registered kit and the other where I have my personal information and survey participation.

I am actually happy to prove that I am more Filipino than I am Chinese. My husband was amused because he had heard the stories about how I was racially mistreated. I am, however amazed at my father's recollection of his roots considering he did not have the privilege of obtaining accessible resources such as Google, Ancestry.com or MyHeritage.com. I do have an account with Ancestry.com, but it is in a physical file in my computer. I bought the software a couple of decades ago. If you're interested of comparing notes, let me know.

My social media accounts can be found using my full name as posted in this blog.

Political Reflection

It's been awhile since I have taken time to listen to Pastor Wiens', 'This Good Word,' podcasts. I couldn't remember where I left off since my Podbean App was not updated ever since I bought a new phone. I had to recall my login information. To my disappointment, it did not save my last tuned-in episode.

It matters not. I replayed from Episode 59: Palingensia and remembered I have listened to this once before. As 15 minutes have passed within the podcast, Pastor Wiens mentioned the election. How appropriate. Boy, how the years have flown.

My voting rights didn't become eligible until my citizenship in 2006. I'm still new to the voting system. I know enough of the law and jurisdiction in which I have as any abiding citizen would. Politics have always been a touchy subject for me because of how my parents saw the government. Regardless of where we moved to, I was always mistreated by the locals. Apparently, humans do not like any humanoid half-breeds.

My reason for that comment was based on my experience when I was in downtown Raleigh. An elderly Black American woman asked me what I was and where I came from. She complimented that she has never seen anyone as pretty as I was. I told her I was from the Philippines and a Filipino-Chinese. She scowled at me and had the audacity to reprimand me for lying to her about how my country should breed their citizens. She walked off angrily, "You either are Filipino or Chinese; not both!" All she wanted was a dollar for a McDonald's meal. She was apparently more upset about my existence than not being able to provide her a dollar for a McD meal. I didn't have cash on me. Needless to say, it was a very stressful experience.

If I wanted to live in a perfect place, it would be where I can feel safe from all the judgmental and hate-mongering people. My world would allow people of different cultures, creed and gender identity to connect, mingle and work with each other. My world my not be perfect, but my house will always welcome those who need shelter from the asinine people. If you really don't like someone, why do you feel that you have the right to get rid of them permanently? Yeah, I know. I'm being hypocritical here. I have revisited this concept every time it occurs in my mind. What is my main goal? I just want to stop being harassed. The only way for me to do that is walk away. I have done so; many times. The moment someone touches me, it's game over.

In few occasions, these people do not seem to get the message. I will literally kill you if you wish to continue to harass me. I almost killed someone; or two. I don't like feeling that way. I get disturbed at the thought of killing someone or any living thing. It's like the Hulk's forewarning, "You won't like me when I'm mad. Please, don't make me mad." I have heard a lot of people getting killed for a lot less than causing me bodily harm. Someone in Texas got killed over by a truck just for being a movie critic. How badly did you have to offend someone to want to kill you like that? A young Texan woman had her boyfriend killed because she was afraid her father would punish her for allowing a boy in her bedroom. Granted her father took full responsibility for the senseless act, it still does not justify what she did.

It's been a running theme lately: promote bad behavior in order to get the highest ratings for stories. Someone's 15 minutes of fame has cause someone's life to be gone forever. Why? What are you trying to gain from promoting violence? Has there ever been a democracy that was implanted in its altruistic form of governance? The Philippines has always been a Republic country. I left the Philippines in 1995. President Ramos was not the best representative for Indigenous people in the Philippines. It is because of him, most of them are left homeless, ridiculed and in an impoverished state. They say, "Philippines is the happiest country in the world." Whatever. It's a wonder why we were conquered by the Spaniards for almost 400 years.

If a world leader cannot insight world peace amongst their own fellow countrymen, then they don't represent me. I don't care if they consider themselves a "God-fearing" person. That doesn't mean shit to me if you allow God's people to suffer. If you don't know who God's people are, then you're not really a "God-fearing" person, now; are you? You don't deserve to represent me.

That doesn't mean I'm going to rebel against the authorities. I'm not stupid. If I'm in a conflict, I will do my best to compromise. I look for ways to fix the things I am able and capable to do so. It was one of the reasons why I was integral to my Air Force squadron unit. I'm good at troubleshooting problems. I may fail the first try, but I will succeed eventually. The best part of working problems as a team is that, there are others who would rather wait for the best solution to come to pass than tackle it immediately without a plan. The only downside to working in a team is, there will always be one person, who would take all credit of the team efforts, when they barely contributed an ounce to the project or assignment.

I may have a short fuse, but I'm not irrational. Prove me where I'm wrong, what I did wrong and show me how to do the right thing. Just sitting there to only verbally attack me incoherently, is not going to solve the problem between us. The only time you will see me impede on someone's political or religious views is when one decides to express their opinions against a certain individual who is not "one of their kind." You don't get to speak for God. Neither do I. God will show you Themself.

 I challenged God once. I was humbled by the experience. The Love was overwhelming and genuine. I don't know how else to describe the experience; other than telling you how I felt. I felt loved, forgiven, and deeply dignified. Little and lowly "me;" feeling important to God. The God of Israel, who only chose the Israelites to be His children. My sense of purpose changed when I dedicated my life to Christ. I became a born-again Christian on April 14, 1995.

The tragic wars between Yugoslavia, Bosnia and Herzegovina devastated a lot of families. I never understood the animosity between the Jews, Muslims and Christians. We are all serving the God of Israel. America always wants to play the "Big Brother" role. More like a busy body youngest brother who can't mind their own business. Nevertheless, politics will always be about: "How can we benefit from this?" Why? Shouldn't it be about: "How do we stop this from happening again?"

The injustice towards women, effeminate men, LGBT, the elderly, orphaned children, the disabled, afflicted, deprived, and proletariat people by white bourgeoise men is revolting. What have I done for them, you ask? I address their needs. Even when I can't financially support them, I look for resources that would help them do so. Whether or not they choose to accept the offer, it's on them. It's like that fable where a man was atop the roof of his house due to a rising flood. He had asked God for help. A boat of a small family came and asked him to take hold of the bow so he won't slip. He refused the offer and exclaimed, "God will rescue me." Quizzically, they left him there. A helicopter passed by. The navigator asked him to grab the ladder. He refused stating the same complaint that they were not the ones God intended to rescue him. He was afraid of flying. The navigator shrugged and motioned to the pilot to leave the stubborn man there. The water was up to his waist, and he called upon the God once more, "I hope you have not forgotten me. I still need help. I can't swim. I'm afraid to fly." A bigger boat arrived and the captain told the man, "We have some room left. Come with us before the flood takes you." Again, the man refused. He didn't want to be seen with poor people. The captain scratched his head and left him there. Eventually, the water rose and the man drowned. When he arrived at God's feet, he asked him, "Why didn't you save me?" God looked at him longingly, shook his head, "My son, I sent you 3 chances to save your life. You took none of them."

Basically, do not let your fear and prejudice cloud your judgment to a good opportunity. We all take risks whether you intend to or not. It's not easy making the right decisions during a difficult situation. God will answer your call regardless of where you are in your life. You don't have to be a Jew, Muslim or a Christian to call upon God to hear your pain and suffering. He will bring these people to you, whether or not you choose to accept the offer. It's like what I told my daughter. There's a pie waiting for you. Even if it's not your favorite piece of pie, it's in your name. Even if it goes bad or someone else decides to eat it, a new pie will be made for you - waiting. The look on her face was comical, because it went from confused, awestruck, and later into wonder.

She has expressed her political views very strongly. We told her to watch what she says in front of people. It's not something she should discuss in a place of business or to anyone who may pose a threat to her person. If you have an expectation to your hopes and dreams, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. You cannot cheat yourself out of hard work. No one is born an artist, a ballet dancer or a teacher. Everyone has to learn and grow where they want to be. What we need to be with each other is to be patient, kind, compassionate, understanding, gracious, and loving.

When you're young, I get it. You want it now and you want it made. I could have been many things. I really thought I could be a Pastor. I could have inspired a lot of people - just like Billy Graham did. After reading his biography, 'Just as I Am,' it changed my point of view about the Christian church. The only thing I was good at was tinkering. That's what I became: Computer Technician. The Information Technology changed to soft services. I transferred my skills to become a Network Engineer. Even more so, I am still required to continue upgrade my skills. It's a never ending journey of learning and growing. Companies nowadays value that mindset - the ability to adapt to change and the mindset to learn and grow.

Sadly, society hasn't accepted that concept. We're still being labeled to where we belong. As for half-breeds, we're still considered a nuisance. There are so many of us. Now, I understand why the Harry Potter fan-base outnumbered the Star Wars' and Star Trek's fan-base. We're all muggles.

The activist out there are doing noble things for various controversial agendas society refuses to acknowledge. From Global warming, preservation of resources, human rights, and even up to equality for all. How do you propose all of these things come to pass, and yet still maintain a balance with Nature?

Brunei Darussalam is not a perfect country by any means; however, the fact that it has been at peace since 1984 is much to talk about. I grew up there since I was 5 years old. I left in 1997 to further my education in Malaysia. My mother emigrated us to the US in 1999. Even now, learning about its new policies with Sharia Law, not much has drastically changed. Sultan Hassanal Bolkiah still rules with compassion and grace among his fellow countrymen. My hopes that his son will follow in his stead and be a good example without the prejudices some of his Cabinet of Ministers have. His daughter is a lawyer, much to my surprise, has taken women's rights into consideration with the cabinet's legislative council. Women can now own land after a divorce, enlist in the military, and be in position of power. Yes, women in Brunei have been driving since I lived there for most of my adolescent years. Despite its prejudice against LGBT citizens, they have the freedom to leave the country - unlike in South Africa, where they are jailed or shot on site.  Even with my reservations on how I was treated by some locals, it's still nice to hear what Sultan Hassanal Bolkiah has done for his people. For the first time in my life, I've never seen him greet a woman in person before. He is usually on his train of cars and waves at the enamored women on the streets from the canopy. To see this with my own eyes, just amazes me. Kampong Ayer no longer have rundown wooden houses on stilts. Hopefully, the pollution has been minimized. Last time I was there, I remembered the water was black and murky. Even though I miss my friends,  I could never return to live in Brunei considering my identity. I could visit once in a while. I won't be safe living in the Philippines either. There's so much civil unrest. I can't live like that.

If you truly believe that world peace is unobtainable, you're not trying hard enough. Have you figured out my political views yet? You would think with all the rich people in America, there wouldn't be so much poverty and financial imbalance in the work force. I remember after graduation, we were all ridiculed for ever wanting to become a video gamer, a preacher, an artist, or an entertainer. Look at the world now. So many of them just making a name for themselves. No; I'm not envious. It's just depressing to see so many people embark on such a daring journey, and yet get lost in the limelight. They've forgotten (some; not all) to connect with their friends and family. I get it. There are people in your family and circle of friends, who will take advantage of your wealth. Great - distance yourself from them that do. Don't forget to connect with the ones, who love you for who you are, and keep you grounded from losing yourself in that limelight.

If Americans are entirely against communism, why then segregate the people who do not fit within their social status? The saddest form of racism is not only accepting your own ethnic group because they are not "pure" enough, but to glorify a celebrity, who makes their ethnicity known (Bruno Mars is Puerto Rican Jewish Hawaiian Filipino), show their pride towards them. Eh? It makes no sense.

If you cannot be consistent in your ideologies, you don't deserve to represent me. Your American Fundamental right to express your freedom, religion, thought, movement, and association; have a fair due process of law, liberty, self-determination, privacy, and peaceful assembly cannot impede on the Fundamental rights of your fellow citizens.  Another thing that is counter intuitive is, setting your fundamental rights to encourage others; yet not following through with them on your supportive platform. Why did you even bother? It's like ordering a strip tease on your bachelor party and not one single piece of clothing were taken off. Okay; bad analogy, but you get the point.

The point of the matter is, if you are in a position of power, why aren't you humble enough to accept others who are not like you. You can learn a thing or two. Secondly, why aren't you compassionate enough to use your resources to help others in need?

Honoring those beyond ourselves

I came across a post from an independant artist I follow. It's still a celebration moment for mothers around the world. They were very verbal about how toxic parents should go fuck off and do not deserve this joyous occasion. For the longest time, I too, felt the same way.

I was young. I was full of anger, frustration, and melancholy. Some where deep within, I felt deeply for my parents. I sought to reach out to them no matter how much they continued to be toxic towards me. Just imagine - having to suffer so much emotional pain for 25 years. After awhile, my body reacted to the point of "mental comatose." I would blackout unknowingly. It almost ended my life at a near fatal car accident. Friends were concerned. I learned later on, my body couldn't deal with the pain I was carrying. I began to take steps to help myself.

Even after my father passed, I couldn't grieve in peace. It wasn't until a month ago, my husband helped me relieve the pain. Healing doesn't happen overnight. Ever since I left a toxic relationship despite my reservation becoming a divorcee, I knew I should move forward to living a better life. After my efforts of improving myself, I am still challenged dealing with a toxic parent.

Even after establishing my boundaries, they will continue to try to push it. Even though, they already know they can't penetrate it, they will continue to keep trying. I have mentally separated myself from the lies and manipulation. Eventually, there will be no emotional heartstrings left for them to pull. It's their choice: 1) continue the constraint relationship or 2) not have one at all.

The ultimatum is realizing that this is beyond your control. You cannot make them change. However, you are able to change the circumstance on how you react to their demands and expectations. As a Christian, it's a difficult balance to pull since many sects pull the same toxic axioms. If you truly are the follower of Christ, you would know in your heart that God loves you - just the way you are. In His countenance, you will know in your heart what the right thing is. Believe me, the moment religion is the point of subject, I will not stop until I no longer have listeners. Even then, I'll continue my diatribe whether or not someone is listening.

I'm not here to tell you how to live your life. Sharing my experience is not telling how to do it either. You are the only person who knows who you are. If you're still discovering yourself, all the better. Take your time to know your limits. Know what you can or cannot do.

I have been in therapy since I was 14. I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression at the age of 35. It was the same time I was diagnosed with high blood pressure. When the God of Israel warned His people, "Do not let your anger surpass the next day," it's not a joke. Yes; be angry. Vent it out. Write it out and burn it afterwards. Do something. It's like holding in your fart and later on, getting bloated like a bowl full of jelly.

It's not easy having a relationship with other people. The only person who can understand you for who you are is, you. Whether or not you believe in a higher being beyond yourself, that's on your time and personal jurisdiction. No one can tell you how you should feel. People can persuade you to do things or think on a different level. However, the choice is still yours - whether you choose to follow or deject their opinions.

What I'm trying to say is, forgiveness is not about the person who violated your personal boundaries. It's about your inner peace and your mental state of health. Are you willing to forgive yourself in being vulnerable? Can you forgive yourself for being naïve? Would you be able to forgive yourself for being too self-critical?

You cannot expect others to respect you if you cannot respect yourself - let alone love you for you who are. It doesn't matter anymore what my mother thinks of me. What matters the most is how I see myself in God's eyes. I know in my heart, I did good. I am perfect in His eyes just the way I am. In this revelation, I have honored God; despite my mother's askewed religious views.

Blessed Assurance

"This is my story, this is my song ..."

Every Sunday growing up, this song will reverb in my soul whenever it is sung. If I had a life like Jesus, I would have balked or run away. He did neither. His resilience and trust in God, the Father was certain. Even in his death, he chose God to release his burden.

I still cry to this day reading his story. My story isn't as grandeur as those people portrayed in the movies like 'The child called, "It",' or "Catch me if you can." If you have been following me, you would know the same story I always tell: I am a Domestic Violent survivor, both as a child and an adult.

I don't usually share my spiritual devotions mainly because my audience-base is multi-faceted by different ethnicities, cultures, moral compasses and sexual orientations. The diatribe of social justice can only take you so far. I am still a unique individual regardless of the isms other people label me under.

Needless to say, my point is this - God is love. In their altruistic being, God doesn't want to see you suffer.

"When we look at our own stories, we begin to discern the hard places, the dark places, and the times when we felt our life ebbing away from us. It's in the retrospective look that we can trace the path of the hero of our story."

What I have taken from this devotion is that I am grateful to all the heroes in my life, who have helped me triumph through my adversities. They know who they are. I will be forever grateful to you. I know I haven't been active online, given you a call or written a letter. I'm truly sorry. I'm currently distracted by so many things - it's a challenge for me to stop for a moment, to be still, and reflect on the moments that signify my existence.

All I'm saying is in this time of crisis, hold on to the people who love and care for you. If you have a certain faith, which keeps you going, all the better. For all my free-thinking friends, know that you are loved and if you need anything - I'll do what I can to help you out. Many people can attest to this. I don't have to prove to anyone that I am a good person. I just do it because I want to. It makes me happy to see you happy. I will never ask anything of you in return.

God saved me from killing myself by sending a lowly Catholic boy who wanted to do the right thing. That was all it took to bring me back to my senses. As I have stated earlier, there were other people in my life, who were not of the Christian faith, to snap me back to reality. I truly believe there are angels in our midst. You can be one too.

I hope in time when all this is over, we will be able to understand each other better. I will do my best to remember to call, write or email - just to see how you are all doing.

Be safe. Take care. Good night.

YouTube Copyright Claim

Honestly, I don't understand why they have to file a Copyright claim against me. I am a private person when it comes to uploading videos to YouTube. The only reason why I use YouTube is their ability to share my private videos to my family and friends without having technical issues during uploads - unlike Facebook's video capabilities.

The first time it came about was when I dedicated a song to my new brother in-law. I was too lazy to play my guitar. It was very late at night or around the break of dawn to be making too much noise.  Then on the video I posted about my depression, someone from that company contacted me. Per the Record company's representative, if I did not take down my video, they will sue me for contempt. This record company goes by the name of The Orchard Music, who also claims to own rights to Gary Valenciano's album. I uploaded a video blog about my experience with depression, why I was suffering from insomnia and how I usually manage and deal with it. It doesn't make sense to me that a corporation would harass an individual suffering from depression to plug off their video all because I decided to sing, "Letting go," by Gary Valenciano. Gary, if you did this... *growls* *humpfh* *bangs head on table*

Today, 5/4 - I got another Content ID claim from Josh Groban himself. Fuck you... dickish prick.

Because of this, I'm livid at the moment. I'm trying to resolve this issue in a manner where I don't go to jail. I have a YouTube account which is set to Private. I don't make money off from it. I don't even qualify for being a YouTube business partner. I have 8 followers. I am keeping them. God dammit!

I have a better job than most people who dub themselves "Influencers." Granted I watch several entertaining self-proclaimed entertainers who have the time and resources to be full time YouTube sensations.

The fact that YouTube policies do not help people like me who just want to share videos to friends and family is underlying unfair. Facebook is horrible for uploading videos. The video quality is sub par to say the least. SnapChat doesn't work for me since you are only allowed 30 seconds.

Even though The Orchard Music's claim expired, I am still unable to upload videos to YouTube. I had no other choice but to delete them all. I'm not sure what to do from here. If you see me upload a video, it'll be up for a week or two. Depending if I remember to take them down.

In lieu of this insult, I have created a Vimeo account. Hopefully, I can share my videos without greedy, asinine corporations and "Content creators" accusing me of stealing their shit. On that note, I updated my YouTube "About" profile. Yeah... I'm pissed. So what?

You Content creators better leave me the fuck alone.