Enriching your Spiritual life

Many people wonder how I am able to stay calm in the middle of a crisis without going berserk.

As a Christian, I would answer, "God is in control." In reality, I am screaming my head off. While rifling through my head space for an answer, the stillness of my sanity unfolds all of my life's accomplishments and experiences. So while you see the calmness expression on my face, I'm facing the most challenging moment finding the best solution for the circumstance at hand.

My true answer would be, "I don't know if this solution is going to work, but I'm going to give it a try."

The whole point of my story is to let others understand that I am human as everybody else on this planet.

I grew up in a domestic violent home. Violence was all I knew. I was violent. I was compelled to change my behavior. Finding a Christian community that is open and willing to questions and concerns were very few and far in between. 

I have not stepped foot in a church for over 20 years. I was abused by every single church members I grew up with. That was not God's intent. I've read the Bible so many times. Jesus spoke about love and the purpose of the tenents in the Torah.

The Torah was given to the Israelites as a Covenant to complete the promise God gave Abraham. 

God's intent was not to oppress the children of Israel. God wants the children of Israel to worship Him. Worship without justice is self-serving. Justice without worship is self-destructive. If we don't pay attention to the social injustices in the world and take action to stop them, then what is the purpose of your Christian relationship with God? Are you being honest with your faith?

Remembering God's mercy for saving them from Egypt's oppression began the tradition of rituals to offer sacrifices for forgiveness. The promised Messiah was the ultimate sacrifice to forgive all sins of the world. All you have to do is believe that the promised Messiah is your living sacrifice to be forgiven and redeemed into God's kingdom. 

Professing this testimony is a personal journey. No one should ever make you feel less than you already feel. That doesn't mean you are justified to be an asshole to everyone else. 

It was written, "If you want to be great in God's kingdom, be the servant of all."

I didn't understand that verse until I became a parent. I became a supportive guide to my child since the day they were born. They taught me a lot about patience. Since I was vulnerable to violence, I had to find other ways to expend my anger. 

It took me 12 years to get over my divorce. Within those 12 years I found forgiveness and grace towards the former spouse. I'm honestly grateful for their (the former spouse) honesty and maturity regarding the new relationship I have with @oddscribe. It has helped our child get into a healthy relationship with others. My child has a lot more to learn.

When I realize that I accepted and acknowledged my past mistakes, my spiritual life has changed for the better. It is riveting to learn that God is beyond male and female. To say that humans are only male and female, you're leaving out the mutations of other people in retrospect. 

The Covenant made between Adam and Eve were sanctified by God to show the children of Israel that love abounds between the couple who love each other wholeheartedly. Before Eve, there was Lilith, whom Adam lusted over and wanted to control. Lilith flew away from Adam. I would fly away too.

Love does not control or bring judgment into the relationship. Doesn't matter who your relationship is with. If you cannot perceive the other as your equal, do not expect them to stay in the relationship with you. Respect goes a long way. If your preconceived notion is not allowing you to respect the other person, you should never claim to be God's child.

Sexualizing children is the gravest of all sins in comparison to the seven deadly sins. It is disconcerting that there are parents out there who will use their power to do the most heinous thing to their own children. Your child is not property. You don't own them. They don't owe you anything either.

Your children are God's gift. They have a soul. They have feelings. They learn what they see and hear. Even then, many experiences of positive and negative receptors acknowledged by these children, will define who they become as adults.

I am aware that not all denominations accept each other's differences and opinions. The fact that angers me the most about other Christians, is their hypocrisy. 

How can they say that they love God, but cannot love their neighbors or enemies? That makes no sense to me. I am aware it's not a logical fallacy. This is an emotional detriment. 

I overheard this elderly lady told a child of Muslim parents at the Children's hospital, "I feel sorry for you that you're going to hell." I was mortified. 

After that elderly lady left, I told the parents that not all Christians are like that. I told them that their child isn't going to hell. Since we both believe in the same God, I prayed that their child will heal and feel better soon. 

They asked why I believe their God is the same as their God. I asked in kind, "Isn't your Allah, the God of Abraham?" They looked at each other and nodded, "Yes; but how did you know?" I told them I grew up in Brunei. It was required of me to study the history of Prophet Mohammed; in which I uttered the 5 pillars of Islam, "La ilaha illallah, Muhammadur rasulullah." Muslims must give salat, zakat, as well as perform sawm and hajj. Their approval was enough for them to forget what the elderly lady had said.

I understand that my spiritual journey is a lonely path. The amazing thing is, I was led to join a Torah study with Temple Beth-Or in 2018. A Jewish community who accepted me for who I am. A decade prior, I was introduced to Pastor Steve Weins. Then a year and 4 months ago (from today), I was introduced to Pastor David Hayward, who is also known as @nakedpastor, who pursued his passion in art. I've learned to love myself better from these newfound experiences. 

When I began to listen more to my body, listen to my spiritual guidance, and become more mindful of others around me, I become so much happier. It's a joy of being free from judgment. I am comfortable surfing the chaos of mystery and wonder.

Unfortunately, I was not able to reconcile my relationship with my mother. Even though I love my mother dearly, I continue to struggle with the thought of her. I've been praying and hoping that she will find her inner peace and reconcile the loss of my father as she continues living her life. 

I am aware that I feel accountable to myself. When I am honest with my feelings, I begin to learn and understand what it takes to emulate self-control. 

Forgiveness is more than forgetting the past. It is accepting and acknowledging the hurt, the trauma and the burden it tolls on your body, soul, and mind. Forgiveness doesn't come easy for me when others have taken advantage of my kindness and vulnerability. It triggers my past trauma. I know in my mind that the perpetrators are not my past abusers. I am aware that their actions have triggered the past trauma back into my path. It takes me more than a year or longer to get past those traumatic experiences. 

Quoting clichés like, "Just forgive and forget. It's nothing," or "Get over it," doesn't help me. The reality is, they hurt me. Even if it was unintentional, telling me to get over the hurt only reopens the wound and mentally pouring a million ton of salt into it. They have literally invalidated my feelings. 25 years of abuse from a Christian community doesn't go away in a day. Don't fucking do this shit to me. I can turn you into a pariah for the rest of your natural life. I don't need to cater to anyone's low self-destructive attitude. 

I learned that I am allowed to cut negative people off from my life. I don't have to keep an abusive relationship to the end of my natural life. I've watched my mother live in it. I've seen what it has done to her. I saw how it affected my father. I don't want that in my life. Neither does God.

God wants all of the children of Israel, whether they are aware or not, that they were meant to live for so much more than rituals, laws and traditions. God, Ehyeh the father, as El Shaddai is also Elohim, Emmanuel and El Roi. 

My new anthem now is "If we're honest," by Music Artist, Francesca Battistelli. I understand that my brazen attitude towards Christians are appalling. However, I'm not doing it out of malice. My feelings are in the same expression Jesus stated in Matthew 23:37, "O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, thou that killest the prophets, and stonest them which are sent unto thee, how often would I have gathered thy children together, even as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings, and ye would not!"

Even though I am alone in my spiritual journey, I know I am in God's hand. God will never leave my side. I hope to God that I will never experience what the prodigal son went through. I want to be in Jeremiah's shoes. Yes, I am aware he died a young prophet, but God was always by his side. God was angry for many good reasons, yet the stories tell us that God is loving and merciful. 

All these stories in the Bible show the resilience of human beings and their trust in God brings about miracles. Because of it, I believe that God loves me and is present in my life. I am not afraid anymore about my future. 

Just as I love my child, so does God love me. I was angry when my child lied to the Social worker that I had not made their lunch, but I then realized that they missed my cooking. The social worker didn't see it that way. The social worker believed that I had refused to make lunch for them. I had to explain the situation how my child came to believe why their lunch needed to be thrown away. They didn't enjoy making peanut butter and jelly. It was boring. They had used up all their allowance to buy food from the cafeteria. They demanded the lunch lady to give them food. 

It's not so much their actions made me angry. Amusing as it was, telling a lie that I never gave them food was outright ungrateful and disrespectful. 

I may not like confronting uncomfortable situations, but I am not afraid to speak my mind. I know where I stand in my morals, my culture (Filipino Chinese) and my faith. My greatest fear is that my past trauma will come to catch up with me and break me.

Nevertheless, I continue to depend on God's word however it may manifest in my life. That's all God ever wants from us - to have an honest and open relationship with Him and others.

The spaces in between

 It's not everyday you get a space to breath and relax as a parent. Every single moment cannot be missed. Now that I have an empty nest, the feeling of maternal nostalgia slowly fades away into the twisted nether.

It has been a year since my only child left the house to be their own person. Surely I do miss my child. I know I can't be the only parent who feels relieved and confident that my child is exactly where they need to be. Go be you, my little wild one.

Yet in some ways, I feel I haven't done enough. The reality of it all, I actually did. I resumed to listening to Paster Steve Wien's podcast. He's right. I can only speak for myself. The capacity to impose your beliefs on another person is violating.

Just because there's an empty spot on the bench, doesn't give you the right to sit 2 inches from me. That's practically invading my personal space. I have an understanding that personal space varies between individuals. I learned from Dungeons & Dragons that the standard personal space is 5 feet. Basically, if I stretched my arms out and you get smacked in the face, you're too close to my personal space. 

My point is, the space I occupy in the Christian institution is no longer needed or wanted. I am a pariah to all denominations. Every single time I ask a question, the seething eyes and brooding distress they express in their voice to admonish me for even daring to initiate a query.

It doesn't make sense to me when someone holds so much hate and fear about who I am as a person. Just because I am outspoken, curious, eccentric and queer doesn't mean I'm a devil's spawn. The fact a Christian would even think that of me is beyond the boundaries of God's wisdom, love and mercy.

It makes me ireful when they come to me with a smile, "Oh, you're too much! God still loves you. I love you because Jesus said I have to." FUCK you - fuck you and your hyper-righteous indignant delusional bullshit!

I understand I have to be forgiving. However, that doesn't mean I have to be miserable. I don't have to torture myself into going to church only to feel ostracized. I've lived that life for 25 years. It was insufferable and debilitating. It's not just Christians either. There are prejudice people within the LGBTQ+ community too. Don't pretend to me that you are an advocate for bisexuals if you refuse to acknowledge how I live my life. Again, I'm not speaking for other bisexuals. I speak for myself and my experience. I'll share my story.

I was almost raped by a lesbian. It all started when I told one of my dorm mate to leave my roommate alone. My roommate didn't feel comfortable being stared at for hours on end by this dorm mate. My dorm mate asked me if I was lesbian too. I said that I wasn't. I was the other. She didn't believe I was bisexual because I was dating a male. I told them that I am only able to handle one person in a relationship. She asked if I wanted to have a relationship with her instead of my boyfriend. She complimented on how good looking I was. I declined her gesture and explained that I would be cheating in my relationship. She scoffed and declared me a pretentious idiot. She added that she was going to give me such a fun time of my life, that I would swear off men for good. She boasted that she turned a bi-curious girl (early 20s) into becoming a lesbian. She then proceeded to grab my arm. I darted across the living room and threw the living room chair in between us. She demanded an explanation of why I did that. I asked her, "What makes you think that forcing me to have sex with you is going to make me change my mind? How are you any better than the rapist?" She left me and my roommate alone from that moment forward. I never saw her again when I moved to a different dormitory complex. My roommate moved back to Japan. She thanked me for protecting her before she left. 

I grew up in a domestic violent home. My parents sought my attention more than I did theirs. I learned very early that having 6 people demanding attention from me was very taxing. My environment nurtured me into a very socially reserved person. 

I am one of those bisexual people who enjoy a monotonous relationship. Besides, I don't like the idea of having STDs. Statistics show that for every sexual encounter you have, there is a possibility that you might have exposed yourself to 11 people who may be infected or is an STD carrier. Fortunately for me, I only had to deal with 1 of the 20+ STDs out there. It wasn't fun to deal with. Part of my labia had to be cut off. I caught it in time before my pregnancy came to term.

Even though I was very aware of who I was at the tender age of 10, I learned to be silent about it for a very long time. Words reverberated of being burnt alive or sent to a nunnery was a constant echo in my mind. It was not that I was afraid of death. It was the trepidation of losing my identity and self-worth. 

The very church I grew up in were Antisemitic and homophobic. I am neither gay or lesbian. The term, "homophobia" doesn't apply to me. I believe "anti-anomalous" is a much suitable term.  

I came to terms of accepting who I was when I came to America. It was true what they say about coming to America and living the American Dream. You make your dream the way you want it. I am a woman who identifies as a Christian Bisexual South-East Asian American who adopted a Jewish based religion on the premise that there once lived a divine human being prophesied to be the Messiah of the world. I have embraced my ethnicity that was once torn by violence. I have made peace with the spaces in between light and dark.

I am wholesome even though I have limitations. I am happy even though I experience pain and sorrow. I am abundantly gifted even though I am a master of one skill. I make mistakes, but I don't let it stop me from growing. If you are a gardener, you'd understand what it takes to allow your seed to grow.

The message of the Messiah was clear: "Love the Lord, your God with all your heart, soul and mind. Love one another as I have loved you." His messenger before him announced his arrival, "Greater is he who baptizes you in the Holy Spirit."

If my story doesn't bring hope, redemption and mercy - I am just dust in the wind. If the mysteries of God doesn't bring you wonder, why then do you believe?

The Fellowship of One

 I was never a lone wolf. My soul doesn't do well being alone. Alone in the sense of being on one's own self. Being alone for prolonged periods allows my mind to wander in a dangerous path of self-destruction. 

Despite my sense of solitariness, I know I'm never alone because God is with me. However, I'm human - not celestial or ethereal. It's not good for me to be alone in my spiritual journey. I've tried to look for other Christians who have found the same truth I have. There aren't many out there. If they are, I understand the need for preservation.

As a believer, I am not one to condemn others who do not see the epitaphs of Jesus' divinity and humanity as I do. Why would I do such a thing, when Jesus did not condemn anyone but the evil spirits (se’irim) that dwelled in a troubled man? He even commanded the adversary (diábolos in Greek; ha-satan in Hebrew) to leave him. If Jesus has this kind of power, why choose to be human? God loves the world. As Jesus testified before his disciples, "many have chosen the easy path, but the path to God is narrow." Jesus assured them that the ones whom he called to Him will not be lost because He will raise them up on the last day to see His Father.

I shall start from the beginning. God created the first partner for Adam. Unfortunately for Adam, Lilith left him because she couldn't feel equal with him. A woman was later created from Adam's side. Adam, however, failed to give "The Woman" a name until she bore him children. Even though Eve was created to be Adam's partner, he treated her the same way as he did with Lilith. 

The woman was the first to break the Covenant, but the first to be forgiven. This was the moment she was given the name, "Eve." Adam blamed God for creating Eve, who offered the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge to him. God cursed the Earth 😱, in which Adam has to work for food until he returned back to dust 😬. 

Eve was forewarned of the consequences she would have to endure because of what she did. What I'm about to tell you, is not outside the realm of possibility. If you read and understand closer, every commandment in the Torah, is made for man. It was man's responsibility to teach their children the Torah. This did not happen until Moses came into the picture. Adam wasn't the first one to eat from the fruit of Knowledge. Eve gave some of the leftovers she ate from the fruit of Knowledge to Adam. Eve didn't have to be told what to do, since she ate most of the fruit of Knowledge. Whether she kept that knowledge to herself, only God knows. 

The fruit of Knowledge killed that spirit in Adam and Eve. They've chosen to become mortal beings of Earth. They were banished from The Garden so that they would not become tempted to eat the fruit of Life. The only human who was prevented from seeing death was Cain. You may call me out of my mind. I believe in God's magnificent power. There's nothing in this world that can stop me from learning more about God and why he chose to save me. After studying the Torah with God's people, I find myself drawing closer to Jesus' divinity and humanity being a wholesome miracle.

My point is, I have a brain. There are some things I don't understand because I don't have the previous knowledge or all the context of the subject matter - whatever that may be. Men have destroyed such knowledge for centuries. Yet, they chose to keep the Torah. It seems fitting as it makes them feel powerful over all living things. After all, that was what God instructed mankind to be: rulers of all living things. God may have created women to endure pain and suffering, but men feel they suffered the most because of what Eve did. Not many men can say likewise to what Jesus experienced on the cross. Only Jesus bore that pain alone.

In all things, the men taught by women on how to endure suffering, are far better empaths than those, who have been taught for centuries, that they are powerful beings (thanks, Bathsheba) when they keep their strength (not giving into masturbation or sexual lusts or become inebriated with alcohol) and wits. Remember who was chosen to be Abraham's descendants: Jacob's children. Jacob who was renowned in Jewish Tradition as The Liar, The Cheat, The Housekeeper, The Hypocrite and The one who prevailed the Divine Angel. Judah (Yehuda), Jacob's fourth son was the tribe in which the word "Jew" derived from. His descendant was King David. The messiah was prophesied to be one of David's descendant. The reasons why Jews couldn't accept Jesus (Yeshua) as the messiah because Joseph's patronage was made legalized by Yibbum. Joseph divorced Mary in silence since he loved her, but did not want to bring shame to either family.

When Rome converted to 1st century Judaism, it was a groundbreaking fascism for the empire to impose on their colonized countries. Their way of conversation was highly criticized by Paul of Tarsus (1 Corinthians 13). It was a dangerous time to be a Christian in Rome before 313 AD.

Throughout the century, many sects of Christianity have bastardized the message of the Gospels by focusing more on traditional rituals than what God intended. Christians failed to realize that Jesus taught his disciples to put God first in their daily lives - from the time they wake until the time they go to sleep. They were encouraged to congregate and teach each other the Word of God. Jesus was identified as the Word of God. He is the way, the truth and the life. The only requirement is that in order to be saved from Eternal Damnation is to confess to God that Jesus is Lord. Once an individual accepts this testament, they are anointed with oil in the name of the Father, the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Many have adapted the baptism of John to complete the ceremony of becoming Jesus' disciple.

Yet the Christians of today are so focused on building churches and judging everyone as a sinner, they've forgotten what it's like to be human. Many Christians like me have lost their lives because we cannot belong to the church. According to their Christian practices, we are considered an abomination because our lives do not portray spiritual purity in God's eyes. They have become the Pharisees Jesus warned his disciples not to be. I have gone through a lot of violent admonishments executed by my own parents and their religious sect. If you have watched the movie, "Silent Hill," you'd understand what every child had to endure under the hands of adults who declare themselves purified and sacred for God. This concept of misbehavior or disobedience is considered possessed by demons and malevolent in nature instead of being considered as a lack of knowledge and edification. It is written, "Fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath; instead bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord." (Ephesians 6:4)

Only truth is revealed to those who have ears that listen. I'm not saying the Bible is wrong. I'm saying that the false teachers are rampant. The people who listen to these false teachers are spiritually blind and emotionally delusional. Before God spoke to Abram, the people were sacrificing children and women. Research every ancient culture. Human and Blood sacrifices started from Nimrod before the disperse of the human race after the Tower of Babel. God reminded Moses to teach the people at Mount Sinai the wickedness of strangers who worship Molech/Baal. I worship the God of Israel. My sins and debt have been paid in full by Jesus' sacrifice on the cross. To judge and compare me to pagan worshippers makes these "puritans" no better than the pagans themselves. God does not judge in false pretenses.

We are all God's children. We have a choice. Life or death. Blessings or cursings. Choose wisely. 

I'm alone because of what the truth revealed to me. Sadly, this truth I am revealing could never be accepted as The Truth in which Jesus spoke of. What has been written, cannot be unwritten. Nevertheless, I know in my heart it is equitable.

I've been called demon possessed and assumed to be the devil. The words in which I speak of are not from God. Here's the thing I would like to know and understand: how that is even possible? This delusional concept is beyond me. Why would demons possess the devil? 🤷🏽‍♀️ Demons are impure spirits whereas devils are wicked angels. Both can possess human bodies and corrupt human souls but can never break the human spirit. The human spirit belongs to God and is created with God's breath. These agents of malevolence do not achieve benevolence over God because they cannot destroy the One who created them.     

This is one of the reasons why I rarely utter the demon's name or refer my sufferings as the devil's fault. Why should I give them power over my life? If you read Job's story enough, you will learn that the choices we make in life are the consequences we face in acting upon those decisions. We must learn to forgive ourselves and ask God for forgiveness. We were told 365 times in the Bible, "Do not be afraid." Why are we inciting fear against each other?

I'm aware of my sinful wrath. The world is cruel and evil. I don't need to elaborate. I'm not a psychopath. I'm angry all the time because of humans destroying life. I know I am only human. In addition to this notion, I have also evolved immensely. That doesn't mean I am incapable of learning self-control or unable to demonstrate empathy and forgiveness. It is written that God is an angry and jealous God, but that God is also full of Love and Mercy. I would like to exemplify love and mercy just as Jesus had done so for the world. Of all the sinners and wickedness out there, He chose to save me. I'm pretty sure there are others out there He has also saved. They are welcome to share their story.

You simply cannot tell a person to stop breathing. That is outright cruel and evil. Just as much as you learn to grow, your core spirit cannot change. The essence of your soul and who you are is dynamic. Your personality embellishes character traits of good and bad habits. When you are baptized in the Holy Spirit, you portray Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faith, Gentleness and Self-Control. All the bad habits will eventually be eradicated. 

I cannot begin to tell you what an atheist believes in. None of the ones I met ever admitted to believing in anything - especially not in themselves. They're like leaves rustling with the wind. As the seasons in their lives changes, their life passes by as nature intended. So goes on the Circle of Life as they call it. As a pyromancer, I understand that fire is dangerous. With the knowledge of what fire does, I understand what it takes to control it. Forbidding fire is like telling the lightning not to strike a tree. Thank a firefighter for their knowledge and skills to put out fires. I believe everyone should learn and know how to fight fires in their lifetime. Sadly, not many choose to learn. Let's face it, fire can kill you - it's a very slow, painful and agonizing death.

The same principle applies to sharing the Gospel. What is your purpose of wanting others to know about the Gospel? How is this different from mine? I'm sharing it to you Christians. I'm practically asking you to examine yourselves. What makes you think that you're a better Christian than me? Why is it important to you that I die like the heathens who reject your God of the Bible?

Rather than go on a diatribe like Lewis Black, I actually work towards becoming a better human being. A slow, yet painful process, but worthwhile in every moment. Mistakes happen along the way,  but I live and learn. My story is a testament of Jesus' miraculous work in me. I am definitely not the person I was. I am no longer violent towards others. Surely, your pious ignorance anger me, but I feel so much sorrow for you. Not because I pity you, but because I love you and I care about you.

My pain and suffering may be different from yours; but that doesn't mean I'm a stranger to all kinds of tribulations. I am married to an atheist because in retrospect, I realized it was what I had asked for. I was 14 when I realized I wanted to become a mother. Honestly, I didn't want to end up like my own. When I accepted Jesus as my personal Lord and Savior, I was 16 and clueless. That didn't stop me from studying the Bible everyday of my life. Admittedly, I did not have anyone competent enough to educate me in the Gospels or the Torah. I learned that the only people who could possibly teach me are also the ones who have either gone through similar tribulations I've experienced or have gone through the deep end of no return, or obviously should be Jewish to teach me in the ways of God. As a young born-again Christian, I asked God to give me a sign of whom I was destined to be with. In the dream, I was surrounded in a room full of books. There stood an empty podium. The name revealed to me was James. I quipped, "I thought you said his name would be Andrew?" The answer I was given: "You will know by the dreams I have given you before. You will understand of whom I speak of." I began to recall the other dreams. Once when I was 10 and the other when I was 13. I was told that the man I was to marry, would meet me on his 40th birthday. He would reveal his true name to me, since he had been given 3 names. One of which he chose for himself. He was to be of German descent of God's chosen people. 

There he was - awkwardly smiling across from my cubicle at work: Andreas, formally known as Christopher. We met 2 months before his 40th birthday. A man, who owns a room filled with many books and is a lone wolf minister who shepherds no flock. Even though his DNA traces him to Ashkenazi Jews, his ancestors were Switzerland Mennonites. I panicked that he would find me too religious to handle. Since he was 11 years older than I was, he did not find my faith offensive or demeaning towards his well-being. My spiritual journey at the time I met him was in between a place of self-preservation and spiritual isolation. Without his wisdom, I wouldn't be on this amazing spiritual journey with God.

I'm not here to persuade anybody to convert to Christianity. I'm here to tell my story of redemption, my miraculous spiritual journey and amazing adventure being free from hatred and social judgement. I grew up in a domestic violent home. Both my parents were cruel towards me. Later in my father's life, he regretted in what he did. My restitution with him as my father was cut short when he passed away in 2010. I was left under the constant harrowing judgement of my mother. If it were not for Andreas, the respite of these spiritual torment would have continued, and I would not have left the wilderness of deep pain and suffering. I have opened up to Chris as well regarding this matter. He is grateful to hear that I have moved on with my life. As much as my divorce from Chris pains me, I am relieved that we both agree that it was the best decision for our child's sake.

As much as my mother loves to remind me of my sins, she has forgotten that God has already cleansed me from it. She has no right to continue in torturing me in this manner. I hope she has moved on with her life too. She never wanted me anyway. Why would she continue to care about what I'm doing with my life?

There is no greater gift than what God hasn't given me already. Jesus loves me. I am His for all eternity. No one can take that away from me.