There's a certain point in my life where I have to collect all my thoughts and reflect on them. The main reason in doing so, is to help me find the solace of my sanity.
As a Christian, it's very comforting to know that God is faithful to His words. It brings tears of joy to my eyes knowing that He still loves me - just the way I am; regardless of my short falls by other people's standards and expectations. To the world, I am never good enough. To the benevolent teachings of Jesus, the Christ, I am still a work in progress.
There are many things in my life I want to forget. I am bound with emotional memories that rarely fade away. It is as if I'm listening to heart-breaking songs in ad nauseam. I am fully aware of my flaws, but that is not my core personality nor is it my character. I find it frustrating when people, who declare associated loyalty and faith I have, tell me that I am a fraud. I should never have to explain myself in the context of religious faith. My relationship is with God; not the church.
My church consists of people who do more than just good deeds. They walk in faith by helping those who are less fortunate than they are. They do not wear their religion on their sleeves. They minister the Gospel by sharing their compassion and unconditional love to others regardless of their age, sexual orientation, gender, creed, religious background, color, ethnicity or social status. When they give, they give freely with a willing heart. This is the Grace I experience almost everyday of my life - witnessing God's work.
In God's eyes, I am forgiven; redeemed from my stubborn indifference towards the world. I don't have to work extra hard to earn points to have a place in Heaven. Jesus, the Son of Man has already paid that price. Through Jesus' resurrection, I am saved. Jesus, my Redeemer, Savior, Lord and Brother showed how much God still loves the world. How do I know? I experienced it. I've never looked back to those dark points of my life.
The dark points of my life growing up remembering the number of times I've been called "ugly," "stupid," "worthless," "insolent," "hopeless," "piece of shit," "asshole," "bitch," "whore," "demonic," "mentally retarded," "hypocrite," and "incompetent." Remembering crying every night to the point of micturating the bed sheets. No matter how hard I prayed the same prayer:
Our Father, who art in Heaven
Hallowed be thy name,
Thy kingdom come,
Thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven
Give us this day, our daily bread
and forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil
For thine is the power, and the glory
Forever and ever
Amen
... my life never changed. It wasn't until I decided to take my life. I asked God with a genuinely open heart, "If this is how a Christian life is suppose to be like, I don't want it. This was not the promise of good things as prophesied by your word. Everybody hates me including my own family. I don't need this. I give up. I'd rather die happy than having to live with Christians telling me I'm a sinner every single day of my life; and that you are difficult God to please because you only seek perfection and holiness."
Before I could manage a deep open wound to my arm, God sent an angel. In tears of remorse, I asked God to give me wisdom and strength to know what I need to be for Him. God led me to seek out elderly Christians who have experienced His Love and Grace. With that being said, I was baptized by the same pastor, who had performed my birth offering before God's presence. What better timing and testimonial could I possibly prove?
Did my life get better? Eventually. I know I was in God's Love and Grace because those people, who profess the same faith I do, call me the same labels Jesus endured during His ministry.
I may not be perfect, but I am wiser than I once was. I was 14 when I made a commitment to God's ministry. I never claim or profess that I was a better Christian. I am however, a better person than I was before. I listen better. I smile often. I hold my tongue from violent outburst statements. Even in the midst of my depression and anxiety, God always provides me the comfort of knowing I am still loved.
The only way I can give back to God is to do the same He has done for me:
Love the people of the world especially the ones who need it the most
Be Joyful in all the things the world has to offer
Be at Peace with yourself; embracing the One who sacrificed Himself for all
Patience is a virtue; there is a time and place for everything
Kindness to the smallest living thing can bring the biggest impact to those surrounding it; even if it was just moving a snail away from the sidewalk
Demonstrating Goodness not only abides in God's assurance, but also in the world's faith with humanity as a whole
"Through Faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God, so that things which are seen were not made of things which do appear, " Hebrews 11:3
Gentleness enlightens us with whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, to think on these things.
"... for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control," 2 Timothy 1:7
I have not mastered all the 7 fruits of the Holy Spirit, but that doesn't mean I've fallen from God's grace. You see, if these professed Christians have read the Bible from cover to cover, they would have realized by now that God's chosen people are the Israelites. We "Gentiles" are not in the picture. If it were not for Saul of Tarsus, a Roman Jew, we modern Christians wouldn't be here today.
So, before you fellow Christians out there try to profess and claim that your religion is better than those who do not subscribe to your religion, know that Jesus did you a favor for asking Apostle Paul to spread the good news to your ancestors long before Asia Minor became Turkey, Assyria became Syria and Persia became Iran.
Argue as you may, but I have done my reflection enough times to know that I am human. No human was made to live this Earth without food, clothing or shelter. It was the greed and selfishness of mankind to deprive others of the things that was already given to us.
Tuesday, December 27, 2016
Wednesday, December 14, 2016
My New Year's Resolution
Firstly, I would like to reflect on the things that happened to my life in 2016. I promise you - it's drama free.
I've been dealing with depression all my life. However, to be diagnosed with clinical depression took a toll on my perspective in life. It's not so much in the perspective that my life "sucks," but more intuitively how much the world has allowed the society of schisms to expand their wake of hatred, greed, self-worth and biased pollution to the young generation of my future.
Growing up in the household of activists, I had believed I was fighting the good fight:- the fight save the planet; heal the world; share the love and make a unified peace. That was then.
After several weeks of attending therapy sessions about how to handle my depression and anxiety, I came to a conclusion that I have to be who I need to be. I need to be true to myself. I need to devote my time with my family. I need to be present when it matters the most.
After losing my job, I couldn't fathom being unemployed for the rest of my life. In all honesty, I am grateful where I am now. I'm going to make the best out of it. My family needs my financial support. I have 3 more years left to clear my credit history before I can move on to bigger and greater things. With the little resources I have for the moment, I know I'm making a big difference by improving the little things I am capable of changing.
I've never thought I would make a New Year's resolution. I was young at the time. I thought I had no need to do so. It's almost the dawning of the new year, I figured I would at least give it a try.
My New Year's resolution would be for me to go the extra mile - to lend more than just a helping hand. When I'm busy working on a project, I need to constantly remind myself that it doesn't have to be perfect. Whatever task I have begun has to be finished. I am overwhelmed with over 35 unfinished projects, in which I have accumulated since 2007. I need to stop making excuses too.
I know I am an emotional person regardless of the premise of being a woman. I can't change that. Whether or not I have implied or inferred something offensive or derogatory, I will openly discuss my opinion without prejudice. The only upsetting thing for me is when someone decides to impose an assumption that I may be deceitful or supercilious. Under certain circumstances, I can be; however, it is not my personality.
I will admit my flaws and limitations. It's not something I wear around my sleeves. I will always try my hardest and do the best I can with what I've been given. I have skills and talents, in which I can apply to any task. I was raised to do my job well and be happy with my accomplishments. I was taught that if I can't do a simple task correctly, there's no profit to gain by trusting me to take on a challenging task in the future.
Needless to say, whatever the future brings, I know I am not alone with the current times we are in now. I can't say I am fortunate. I am however, grateful to all the people I have met this year and to those who have stuck by me through thick and thin. I am also grateful to those who have taught me new ways of doing things I never thought of.
I wish you all a blessed and prosperous New Year. Cheers, to 2017. May the Force be with us all.
I've been dealing with depression all my life. However, to be diagnosed with clinical depression took a toll on my perspective in life. It's not so much in the perspective that my life "sucks," but more intuitively how much the world has allowed the society of schisms to expand their wake of hatred, greed, self-worth and biased pollution to the young generation of my future.
Growing up in the household of activists, I had believed I was fighting the good fight:- the fight save the planet; heal the world; share the love and make a unified peace. That was then.
After several weeks of attending therapy sessions about how to handle my depression and anxiety, I came to a conclusion that I have to be who I need to be. I need to be true to myself. I need to devote my time with my family. I need to be present when it matters the most.
After losing my job, I couldn't fathom being unemployed for the rest of my life. In all honesty, I am grateful where I am now. I'm going to make the best out of it. My family needs my financial support. I have 3 more years left to clear my credit history before I can move on to bigger and greater things. With the little resources I have for the moment, I know I'm making a big difference by improving the little things I am capable of changing.
I've never thought I would make a New Year's resolution. I was young at the time. I thought I had no need to do so. It's almost the dawning of the new year, I figured I would at least give it a try.
My New Year's resolution would be for me to go the extra mile - to lend more than just a helping hand. When I'm busy working on a project, I need to constantly remind myself that it doesn't have to be perfect. Whatever task I have begun has to be finished. I am overwhelmed with over 35 unfinished projects, in which I have accumulated since 2007. I need to stop making excuses too.
I know I am an emotional person regardless of the premise of being a woman. I can't change that. Whether or not I have implied or inferred something offensive or derogatory, I will openly discuss my opinion without prejudice. The only upsetting thing for me is when someone decides to impose an assumption that I may be deceitful or supercilious. Under certain circumstances, I can be; however, it is not my personality.
I will admit my flaws and limitations. It's not something I wear around my sleeves. I will always try my hardest and do the best I can with what I've been given. I have skills and talents, in which I can apply to any task. I was raised to do my job well and be happy with my accomplishments. I was taught that if I can't do a simple task correctly, there's no profit to gain by trusting me to take on a challenging task in the future.
Needless to say, whatever the future brings, I know I am not alone with the current times we are in now. I can't say I am fortunate. I am however, grateful to all the people I have met this year and to those who have stuck by me through thick and thin. I am also grateful to those who have taught me new ways of doing things I never thought of.
I wish you all a blessed and prosperous New Year. Cheers, to 2017. May the Force be with us all.
Thursday, November 10, 2016
Cultural Revolution
In amidst the clamor between the Democratic Party and Republic Party supporters, only one thing comes to mind: "I'm alive."
I am grateful that I have a family, a new job and a great network of friends. I am grateful for being here in America. Even though I have relatives who expressed their grievances when Donald Trump won the Presidential election, I am grateful to know that my vote counted. The man I voted for won his seat as governor in the state I reside in. I will do my best to support him to fight the good fight of civil liberty, justice and peace for all.
I know I wasn't keen living here 17 years ago. At 19, I had truly believed that I was going to be the butt jokes of all Asian stereotypes I've grown watching on American movies. That reservation came to pass when I served in the United States Air Force. For the first time in my life, I was accepted for who I am - a Filipino Chinese. I don't need to express how much a relief that feeling is. When I received my citizenship, my daughter's excitement by congratulating me, "Yay, mommy! You're now an American!," made me realize that I needed to live for her. As an Asian American, it was a monumental progress. I adapted the American way of living. I still held on to my ethnic roots and traditions. Despite my personal reservations, I invented my own family traditions. My daughter is grateful because of the wealth of ethnicity in our family.
Even though I lack the experience of Black American culture, I taught my daughter to respect and love everyone. Bullying should never be the scapegoat of her personal reservations towards people. Violence should be a last resort to solving problems. I know I have stated many harmful opinions in my youth. This tweet from Dee Kosh (@TheDeeKosh) alone made me realize that my youthful biases were based on lack of experience.
I am grateful that I have a family, a new job and a great network of friends. I am grateful for being here in America. Even though I have relatives who expressed their grievances when Donald Trump won the Presidential election, I am grateful to know that my vote counted. The man I voted for won his seat as governor in the state I reside in. I will do my best to support him to fight the good fight of civil liberty, justice and peace for all.
I know I wasn't keen living here 17 years ago. At 19, I had truly believed that I was going to be the butt jokes of all Asian stereotypes I've grown watching on American movies. That reservation came to pass when I served in the United States Air Force. For the first time in my life, I was accepted for who I am - a Filipino Chinese. I don't need to express how much a relief that feeling is. When I received my citizenship, my daughter's excitement by congratulating me, "Yay, mommy! You're now an American!," made me realize that I needed to live for her. As an Asian American, it was a monumental progress. I adapted the American way of living. I still held on to my ethnic roots and traditions. Despite my personal reservations, I invented my own family traditions. My daughter is grateful because of the wealth of ethnicity in our family.
Even though I lack the experience of Black American culture, I taught my daughter to respect and love everyone. Bullying should never be the scapegoat of her personal reservations towards people. Violence should be a last resort to solving problems. I know I have stated many harmful opinions in my youth. This tweet from Dee Kosh (@TheDeeKosh) alone made me realize that my youthful biases were based on lack of experience.
Whether or not he decides to reply back to me, is not my concern. What concerns me now is my attitude towards others who are going to treat me differently because of the color of my skin.
Would all the services and efforts I have put forth all these 17 years adapting the American livelihood as a Filipino Chinese Asian American be put to waste and be forgotten? I am not going to lose hope that it would be the case. I know my vote counted. My champion won his seat. My champion should not allow this Donald Trump to indulge the companies to adapt his hatred towards people of color; especially my LGBTQ community. Many people before me have fought really hard to have equal opportunity rights to work, live and play in amongst the oppressors of the First Nations of America.
The best thing for Hilary and the rest of the Democratic Party is to go to Standing Rock, Obama to sign the document that the Dakota Access Pipeline agreement should be as agreed upon when the project was launched, and to continue an active role within the senate and house of representatives to educate the Republicans that ethical rights are being violated.
It is my hope that the American people regardless of race, creed, ethnicity, religious background, sexual orientation, gender, age, and/or idiosyncrasies to stand united against all odds of hatred, violence and greed.
I believe that we all need compassion, love, respect and understanding. I am not going to lose that hope. If anyone needs me, call me. I'll be there for you as best as I can with what little resources I have left. It was why I served and proudly so, in the USAF; and became an American citizen. The "American Dream" is possible.
Friday, October 21, 2016
My emotional turmoil
I want to live in a world where children can feel safe in their own home; live a full and healthy life; dreaming big and making a difference in the world. A place where a woman can walk alone in a busy street without harassment. A sanctuary where the elderly can commute to and connect with friends and family in restaurants and parks. A world where men do not have to feel pressured into marriage to be successful in life.
In all these things I would have wanted in this utopia I have idealized as a child, everyone and everything is connected. There is so much grief in my heart I cannot put in words plainly. People close to me think and believe that I care too much to worry about such things that do not concern me. This world in turmoil does concern me. The future of my daughter is at stake.
If anyone in this world who has a heart and an ear, please listen to my plea. I beg of you to start searching within your soul. See the pain through the eyes of your children. The lives they are living at home, at school, at play; especially how they interact with others.
I've done the best I could to allow myself to be vulnerable for one moment. The world has my daughter's attention. She is blind to my guidance and deaf to my warnings. As much as I would like her to experience the world, I am afraid for her. I'm afraid for her to go out there and feel disappointed.
If we allow tolerance for violence, we leave no room for peace. Media coverage of human rights violations are no longer in channels because some people believe these types of stories will traumatize our children. If we do not fight for justice, what's left of their future?
Unsung heroes are forgotten because some people believe our future generations do not care for history. If we do not allow our children to learn from our past, how would we live in the future?
If the world is catered to men like Donald Trump, our ancestors' fight for equality was for naught. If we allow people in Hillary Clinton's campaign to the things they did to ordinary citizens, what human rights do we have left? We have given away so much - slaving away to grasp the American dream. What have we gained from this kind of sacrifice?
As a naturalized citizen, it is with deepest regret that I came to America with a hope for a future that will never be realized. As an Asian American woman, I still get called out on the streets, "Hey beautiful, where are you from?," "Are you Chinese or Japanese?," "Are you North or South Korean?," "Is it true you eat dogs?" or sometimes, "Why don't you go back to where you came from? You stupid, Chink!"
I would entertain that insult, but I'd rather not. I will never be accepted for who or what I am where ever I go because I'm neither 100% Chinese or Filipino. I am a Chinoy-Malayan-Castillian. If I can't feel safe anywhere, how will my own child? My child has the world in her blood. It's an ugly truth when African-Americans (some African-Americans have European parents) can't be accepted as Black American people.
If you could love yourself, would you be able to extend it to others? If not, why? What made you so selfish, crude and cynical?
In all honesty, I love myself too much to bring so much pain to others around me. I am only one person. I have burdened myself with other people's troubles. My family is right. I should not care what the world is doing. If I do this, I might as well lock myself up in my room and never leave. What good will I do to the world then? How will my future come to pass?
In precedence of my child's future, I have taken self-help classes to help me take my mind off the world. I've seen too much already. My own homeland is no longer safe for me to return. There had been too many killings of children at a war-torn country in the Middle East; but to hear news from a fellow kababayan (people of the same country I am), that our new president has ordered extrajudicial killing including street children, I lost it. Emotionally.
How should I raise my voice? I've tried begging. I've tried teaching. I've even sorted to violence. To what cost? My own sanity? This will not do. I am no good to my child like this - in this state. If there is still justice and good out there. Please help me. Stop this madness.
The ideals we have as a society are far too extreme to accomplish. Let us start simple. Let it start at home. Teach our children to love and respect each other. Stop putting labels about our health, relationships and our livelihood. Stop the violence. Enough segregation of all people. We are all one and the same - flesh and blood. I implore you. Find peace within yourself. Let our children and their children have their future.
In all these things I would have wanted in this utopia I have idealized as a child, everyone and everything is connected. There is so much grief in my heart I cannot put in words plainly. People close to me think and believe that I care too much to worry about such things that do not concern me. This world in turmoil does concern me. The future of my daughter is at stake.
If anyone in this world who has a heart and an ear, please listen to my plea. I beg of you to start searching within your soul. See the pain through the eyes of your children. The lives they are living at home, at school, at play; especially how they interact with others.
I've done the best I could to allow myself to be vulnerable for one moment. The world has my daughter's attention. She is blind to my guidance and deaf to my warnings. As much as I would like her to experience the world, I am afraid for her. I'm afraid for her to go out there and feel disappointed.
If we allow tolerance for violence, we leave no room for peace. Media coverage of human rights violations are no longer in channels because some people believe these types of stories will traumatize our children. If we do not fight for justice, what's left of their future?
Unsung heroes are forgotten because some people believe our future generations do not care for history. If we do not allow our children to learn from our past, how would we live in the future?
If the world is catered to men like Donald Trump, our ancestors' fight for equality was for naught. If we allow people in Hillary Clinton's campaign to the things they did to ordinary citizens, what human rights do we have left? We have given away so much - slaving away to grasp the American dream. What have we gained from this kind of sacrifice?
As a naturalized citizen, it is with deepest regret that I came to America with a hope for a future that will never be realized. As an Asian American woman, I still get called out on the streets, "Hey beautiful, where are you from?," "Are you Chinese or Japanese?," "Are you North or South Korean?," "Is it true you eat dogs?" or sometimes, "Why don't you go back to where you came from? You stupid, Chink!"
I would entertain that insult, but I'd rather not. I will never be accepted for who or what I am where ever I go because I'm neither 100% Chinese or Filipino. I am a Chinoy-Malayan-Castillian. If I can't feel safe anywhere, how will my own child? My child has the world in her blood. It's an ugly truth when African-Americans (some African-Americans have European parents) can't be accepted as Black American people.
If you could love yourself, would you be able to extend it to others? If not, why? What made you so selfish, crude and cynical?
In all honesty, I love myself too much to bring so much pain to others around me. I am only one person. I have burdened myself with other people's troubles. My family is right. I should not care what the world is doing. If I do this, I might as well lock myself up in my room and never leave. What good will I do to the world then? How will my future come to pass?
In precedence of my child's future, I have taken self-help classes to help me take my mind off the world. I've seen too much already. My own homeland is no longer safe for me to return. There had been too many killings of children at a war-torn country in the Middle East; but to hear news from a fellow kababayan (people of the same country I am), that our new president has ordered extrajudicial killing including street children, I lost it. Emotionally.
How should I raise my voice? I've tried begging. I've tried teaching. I've even sorted to violence. To what cost? My own sanity? This will not do. I am no good to my child like this - in this state. If there is still justice and good out there. Please help me. Stop this madness.
The ideals we have as a society are far too extreme to accomplish. Let us start simple. Let it start at home. Teach our children to love and respect each other. Stop putting labels about our health, relationships and our livelihood. Stop the violence. Enough segregation of all people. We are all one and the same - flesh and blood. I implore you. Find peace within yourself. Let our children and their children have their future.
Wednesday, September 21, 2016
ATTENTION AXENT WEARERS
Hey BuzzFeed,
Do you just hire people to write articles without doing their research or what? Trying to pass off Arianna Grande as the Thomas Edition of our generation? First off, Arianna did not invent Axent Wear Headphones. That invention alone belongs to @Wenqing Yan aka Yuumei alone.
If Arianna truly wanted to promote Axent Wear, she should have asked the original artist first. Please make sure that you and your fellow Buzzfeed Editors do their research before blogging.
That is all a fellow artist can do.
EDIT: ATTENTION AXENT WEARERS
Due to the alarming social media journalism, there's not much else we can do other than to help Yuumei be recognized for her work. Please DO NOT discourage others from buying the Limited Edition of Arianna's promotional Axent Wear Headphones. The royalties still belong to Yuumei including the contract rights between her and Brookstone.
Please be kind to take a photo your your own purchased Axent Wear Headphones, tag Yuumei by thanking her and Axent Wear for their design. We don't need to fan the fire anymore than it has to.
https://www.buzzfeed.com/christianzamora/ariana-grande-is-selling-cat-ear-headphones?utm_term=.rva5jpRgy5#.uswJakG0yJ
Do you just hire people to write articles without doing their research or what? Trying to pass off Arianna Grande as the Thomas Edition of our generation? First off, Arianna did not invent Axent Wear Headphones. That invention alone belongs to @Wenqing Yan aka Yuumei alone.
If Arianna truly wanted to promote Axent Wear, she should have asked the original artist first. Please make sure that you and your fellow Buzzfeed Editors do their research before blogging.
That is all a fellow artist can do.
EDIT: ATTENTION AXENT WEARERS
Due to the alarming social media journalism, there's not much else we can do other than to help Yuumei be recognized for her work. Please DO NOT discourage others from buying the Limited Edition of Arianna's promotional Axent Wear Headphones. The royalties still belong to Yuumei including the contract rights between her and Brookstone.
Please be kind to take a photo your your own purchased Axent Wear Headphones, tag Yuumei by thanking her and Axent Wear for their design. We don't need to fan the fire anymore than it has to.
https://www.buzzfeed.com/christianzamora/ariana-grande-is-selling-cat-ear-headphones?utm_term=.rva5jpRgy5#.uswJakG0yJ
Ariana Grande Is Now Selling $150 Cat Ear Headphones, So...
Monday, August 1, 2016
Living in God's grace
There comes a point in time in your life where you feel as if the world has become too overwhelming to deal with.
It is easier said than done when others tell you to ignore the world and focus on God's promises. 9 times out of 10, you find yourself ruminating on the failures you made rather than the devil asking you to bend sideways to kill yourself.
I'm really happy to discover that the mirtazapine is working for me. In addition to taking an anti-depressant sleep aid along with my therapy group session, I feel so much better.
I cannot express in words how much all the good things I need to be thankful for. Despite my harsh upbringing, I learned humility, patience, gratefulness, kindness, compassion, understanding and empathy. I am not saying I was a wise kid. No, I was foolish, impatient, complacent and indifferent. Those years were quite an experience especially for a clueless teenager.
I have come to know and learn from a lot of people from all different cultures and upbringing. We are all on this planet together. Some of our struggles seem tougher than most, but the common ground is the essence of being self-centered. I am not implying that we are selfish beings. We are actually disconnected. We are disconnected from what makes us happy.
I know there are seminars out there about self-help tools and resources to gain us happiness. The truth is, do you know what makes you happy? I had to re-evaluate myself when I was asked that question during my therapy session.
I realized that it's being connected with others is what makes me the happiest. I've been wrapped up with things around me, that I had forgotten the people who already accept me for who I am. This blog alone has reminded me of my relationship with God.
God loves me. I know this. I have been so worried about my past and future for quite some time now. Even though I spend time going out with my family, I have questioned myself: "How much effort did I make to connect with them?" I cried. The depression was at bay, but that sense of not fulfilling that role made me feel bad. Instead of reflecting of how to solve my problem, I was ruminating.
It truly is a challenge to catch my thoughts in order to change my behavior. It doesn't really matter now. God is making things better. I am learning. I will never cease to learn and grow. The moment I decide to stop learning, I fall short again. That's not where I need to be.
All I can say is, "Just hang it there, buddy. Things are going to get better. Don't lose hope and don't give up." In all things, God makes it possible.
It is easier said than done when others tell you to ignore the world and focus on God's promises. 9 times out of 10, you find yourself ruminating on the failures you made rather than the devil asking you to bend sideways to kill yourself.
I'm really happy to discover that the mirtazapine is working for me. In addition to taking an anti-depressant sleep aid along with my therapy group session, I feel so much better.
I cannot express in words how much all the good things I need to be thankful for. Despite my harsh upbringing, I learned humility, patience, gratefulness, kindness, compassion, understanding and empathy. I am not saying I was a wise kid. No, I was foolish, impatient, complacent and indifferent. Those years were quite an experience especially for a clueless teenager.
I have come to know and learn from a lot of people from all different cultures and upbringing. We are all on this planet together. Some of our struggles seem tougher than most, but the common ground is the essence of being self-centered. I am not implying that we are selfish beings. We are actually disconnected. We are disconnected from what makes us happy.
I know there are seminars out there about self-help tools and resources to gain us happiness. The truth is, do you know what makes you happy? I had to re-evaluate myself when I was asked that question during my therapy session.
I realized that it's being connected with others is what makes me the happiest. I've been wrapped up with things around me, that I had forgotten the people who already accept me for who I am. This blog alone has reminded me of my relationship with God.
God loves me. I know this. I have been so worried about my past and future for quite some time now. Even though I spend time going out with my family, I have questioned myself: "How much effort did I make to connect with them?" I cried. The depression was at bay, but that sense of not fulfilling that role made me feel bad. Instead of reflecting of how to solve my problem, I was ruminating.
It truly is a challenge to catch my thoughts in order to change my behavior. It doesn't really matter now. God is making things better. I am learning. I will never cease to learn and grow. The moment I decide to stop learning, I fall short again. That's not where I need to be.
All I can say is, "Just hang it there, buddy. Things are going to get better. Don't lose hope and don't give up." In all things, God makes it possible.
Saturday, July 16, 2016
The Silent Treatment - Who are you really hurting?
It comes without saying especially when relating with others, "When you have nothing nice to say, just keep it to yourself."
It may be far fetch to state that this statement alone gives anyone the right to inflict the 'Silent Treatment' on others, but I'll have to be honest. I tend to impose this habit on others. It was only today that I had realized this.
I'm in my 7th session of therapy. I believe it's working; otherwise, I would not have come to this realization. There is a deeper cause to my depression. I did not choose to become depressed. If you know how my life is now, you'd be wondering why I would ever be depressed at all.
Many of my classmates will tell you I was a very quiet person. During my youth, I was not much of a social and interactive person to be with. It was not because I was shy or afraid to say the wrong thing to embarrass myself in public. I was afraid of what would happen if I made friends.
Just the trauma I had been through watching my parents fight in front of their own friends was enough to keep me from wanting to make friends at all.
My lack of social interaction got to a point where the school had to state their concerns to my mother. My mother was encouraged to motivate me to take up extra-curricular activities at school. At my mother's behest, I made friends. It gave me enough courage to take up arts and crafts among other things: like sports. My mother was most concerned because I hung out more with boys than with the girls. I had my reasons.
My mother taught me needlework. My father gave me a library of resources on artwork and craftsmanship. On my 8th birthday, my father gave me a 5000 piece puzzle. I used to be so good at puzzles. Just looking at a puzzle piece now, makes me feel as if the whole world had decided to play a cruel joke against me. Don't get me wrong. I still love puzzles. I just have to step away from it for a while before I can continue where I left off.
I hung out with smart and creative people. I learned a lot. Even when things got pretty bad, I had friends who cared enough to wait by me. Even though it's still difficult to admit I had attempted to commit suicide 3 weeks before my birthday, I'm not afraid to share how I got passed it.
I was not truly academically challenged. My home environment had not been the best place to concentrate and focus on completing homework and school projects. The very moment in my life when I had achieved recognition being one of the top 10 students in class, I was not congratulated.
My world had turned upside down that day. Even at my best, I was made to feel ashamed. The very moment when all things could have been a celebration, became a dread. If it had not been for the kindness of a stranger, one act of showing compassion made a big difference. He found a first aid kit to wrap my wound up. He stayed the night (still waiting for his girlfriend, who was also my roommate, to come home) to make sure I was going to be okay. When my roommate arrived, he gave his explanation and bid his farewell. My roommate stayed beside me. She even offered to drop me off to school the next morning.
I don't want to give people the wrong impression that I'm a tactless wisenheimer. Surely, it's easier to say that people are not going to care what I say or do; let alone what I had gone through in my past. It matters to me because I lived through it. Was it the worst and most horrifying thing? No. Why do I care? Why should I bother? No one would give a damn anyway, right?
It's not everyday I want to or choose to be depressed. I had focused so much living in the past negatives, I've lost sight of those who have shared their positives with me. There are moments I do become silent for good reasons. There are moments when my silence becomes a dangerous warning sign. Even though, I've learned to turn my negatives into my positives, it's still a challenge to catch those negative and silent thoughts. Even if it took me more than 20 years to get over those negative thoughts and feelings, I still have to find help. I'm not saying it's an easy road.
Please do me a favor. When you see someone in "silence," especially me: ask - "How are you?"
It may be far fetch to state that this statement alone gives anyone the right to inflict the 'Silent Treatment' on others, but I'll have to be honest. I tend to impose this habit on others. It was only today that I had realized this.
I'm in my 7th session of therapy. I believe it's working; otherwise, I would not have come to this realization. There is a deeper cause to my depression. I did not choose to become depressed. If you know how my life is now, you'd be wondering why I would ever be depressed at all.
Many of my classmates will tell you I was a very quiet person. During my youth, I was not much of a social and interactive person to be with. It was not because I was shy or afraid to say the wrong thing to embarrass myself in public. I was afraid of what would happen if I made friends.
Just the trauma I had been through watching my parents fight in front of their own friends was enough to keep me from wanting to make friends at all.
My lack of social interaction got to a point where the school had to state their concerns to my mother. My mother was encouraged to motivate me to take up extra-curricular activities at school. At my mother's behest, I made friends. It gave me enough courage to take up arts and crafts among other things: like sports. My mother was most concerned because I hung out more with boys than with the girls. I had my reasons.
My mother taught me needlework. My father gave me a library of resources on artwork and craftsmanship. On my 8th birthday, my father gave me a 5000 piece puzzle. I used to be so good at puzzles. Just looking at a puzzle piece now, makes me feel as if the whole world had decided to play a cruel joke against me. Don't get me wrong. I still love puzzles. I just have to step away from it for a while before I can continue where I left off.
I hung out with smart and creative people. I learned a lot. Even when things got pretty bad, I had friends who cared enough to wait by me. Even though it's still difficult to admit I had attempted to commit suicide 3 weeks before my birthday, I'm not afraid to share how I got passed it.
I was not truly academically challenged. My home environment had not been the best place to concentrate and focus on completing homework and school projects. The very moment in my life when I had achieved recognition being one of the top 10 students in class, I was not congratulated.
My world had turned upside down that day. Even at my best, I was made to feel ashamed. The very moment when all things could have been a celebration, became a dread. If it had not been for the kindness of a stranger, one act of showing compassion made a big difference. He found a first aid kit to wrap my wound up. He stayed the night (still waiting for his girlfriend, who was also my roommate, to come home) to make sure I was going to be okay. When my roommate arrived, he gave his explanation and bid his farewell. My roommate stayed beside me. She even offered to drop me off to school the next morning.
I don't want to give people the wrong impression that I'm a tactless wisenheimer. Surely, it's easier to say that people are not going to care what I say or do; let alone what I had gone through in my past. It matters to me because I lived through it. Was it the worst and most horrifying thing? No. Why do I care? Why should I bother? No one would give a damn anyway, right?
It's not everyday I want to or choose to be depressed. I had focused so much living in the past negatives, I've lost sight of those who have shared their positives with me. There are moments I do become silent for good reasons. There are moments when my silence becomes a dangerous warning sign. Even though, I've learned to turn my negatives into my positives, it's still a challenge to catch those negative and silent thoughts. Even if it took me more than 20 years to get over those negative thoughts and feelings, I still have to find help. I'm not saying it's an easy road.
Please do me a favor. When you see someone in "silence," especially me: ask - "How are you?"
Monday, June 20, 2016
Sunday, May 29, 2016
How depression affects me
I am aware that not a lot of people are experienced in understanding the connotations of Depression; let alone, what it does to the suffering patient.
Someone had asked me once, "Why would you feel depressed if you're a Christian? Maybe because you don't believe in Jesus' miracles?" I had refused to answer them because their first mistake was implying that my depression was due to my lack of faith. Even if I had answered their question, I would have opened up a lot of nonsensical arguments, which would have nothing to do with my suffering from depression.
First of all, depression is not a feeling that I have chosen to encumber myself with. Second of all, Jesus is not some kind of magician, who can just make things disappear whenever one feels that things get too uncomfortable for them.
My irregular visits to the mental health clinic or specialist within a span of over 25 years have given me coping skills to work on. The depression I'm suffering from is not something that can cure itself with medicine alone. I have not been given any medication to prevent episodes of depression. I am not suffering from clinical depression. I am suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
I'm not asking for pity or sympathy; nor am I expecting anyone to understand what I'm going through. If anyone is willing to listen, be patient and have compassion; I will respect them in kind sevenfold.
My PTSD was a pre-existing condition prior to my military enlistment (1991 - 2000). It got worse over time because no one I knew thought to diagnose it then. They assumed I was just a restless adolescent, who had an attitude problem. They preceded to advise me that I would have to "get over it soon" or not at all. As young and naive I was then, I tried everything they came up with. It did not help me get any better.
It wasn't until I met two brilliant men who sought to make my life seem better and brighter. Unfortunately, the first man had become too impatient. Our relationship ended with a bitter divorce and another episode of me suffering severely than before. My best friend tried his best to get me to realize my mistake. I almost lost him too, if I had not given his proposal a second thought.
Even though my first marriage did not work out with a Disney happy ending, both he and I agreed that our daughter was the best moment of our lives. Neither one of us would ever want to circumvent that relationship with our daughter. I'm happy he's living a much happier life with his new spouse as he is with mine.
Regardless of how often I reverberate my frustrations and concerns, people will continue to believe I just enjoy complaining to hear the sound of my voice. In reality, I just need assurance. Assurance that I will be okay. It's not going to be the end of the world. In spite of everything I've been through, I survived. That's all I ever need to hear. Period.
Never ever assume that I have come to lament for the sake of being languid. If I were truly a lazy person, I would not be here today telling my story. Since my youth, I was told that lazy people accomplish nothing to the point of starvation. I love cooking food too much to not want to find that truth out for myself.
Even when I display an indicative aspersion towards someone regardless of how it is expressed, I do get a sense of remorse. I'm not completely oblivious towards my actions and expressions of disgruntlement. Please do catch me off guard when I'm in the moment. I'm not an irrational being. I'm not much for debating; especially when it comes to my character versus my personality. The only time a discussion becomes a heated argument if and when either one of us assume the latter.
With that being said, please know that when I am depressed, you are not the cause. I just get the episodes once in a while. One or more factors may have triggered the moment. When I do ask for help, just listen. Just be there. Don't make it more complicated than I have already made it out to be.
Thank you. I appreciate it. Honestly, I do. Otherwise, I still won't be here.
Someone had asked me once, "Why would you feel depressed if you're a Christian? Maybe because you don't believe in Jesus' miracles?" I had refused to answer them because their first mistake was implying that my depression was due to my lack of faith. Even if I had answered their question, I would have opened up a lot of nonsensical arguments, which would have nothing to do with my suffering from depression.
First of all, depression is not a feeling that I have chosen to encumber myself with. Second of all, Jesus is not some kind of magician, who can just make things disappear whenever one feels that things get too uncomfortable for them.
My irregular visits to the mental health clinic or specialist within a span of over 25 years have given me coping skills to work on. The depression I'm suffering from is not something that can cure itself with medicine alone. I have not been given any medication to prevent episodes of depression. I am not suffering from clinical depression. I am suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
I'm not asking for pity or sympathy; nor am I expecting anyone to understand what I'm going through. If anyone is willing to listen, be patient and have compassion; I will respect them in kind sevenfold.
My PTSD was a pre-existing condition prior to my military enlistment (1991 - 2000). It got worse over time because no one I knew thought to diagnose it then. They assumed I was just a restless adolescent, who had an attitude problem. They preceded to advise me that I would have to "get over it soon" or not at all. As young and naive I was then, I tried everything they came up with. It did not help me get any better.
It wasn't until I met two brilliant men who sought to make my life seem better and brighter. Unfortunately, the first man had become too impatient. Our relationship ended with a bitter divorce and another episode of me suffering severely than before. My best friend tried his best to get me to realize my mistake. I almost lost him too, if I had not given his proposal a second thought.
Even though my first marriage did not work out with a Disney happy ending, both he and I agreed that our daughter was the best moment of our lives. Neither one of us would ever want to circumvent that relationship with our daughter. I'm happy he's living a much happier life with his new spouse as he is with mine.
Regardless of how often I reverberate my frustrations and concerns, people will continue to believe I just enjoy complaining to hear the sound of my voice. In reality, I just need assurance. Assurance that I will be okay. It's not going to be the end of the world. In spite of everything I've been through, I survived. That's all I ever need to hear. Period.
Never ever assume that I have come to lament for the sake of being languid. If I were truly a lazy person, I would not be here today telling my story. Since my youth, I was told that lazy people accomplish nothing to the point of starvation. I love cooking food too much to not want to find that truth out for myself.
Even when I display an indicative aspersion towards someone regardless of how it is expressed, I do get a sense of remorse. I'm not completely oblivious towards my actions and expressions of disgruntlement. Please do catch me off guard when I'm in the moment. I'm not an irrational being. I'm not much for debating; especially when it comes to my character versus my personality. The only time a discussion becomes a heated argument if and when either one of us assume the latter.
With that being said, please know that when I am depressed, you are not the cause. I just get the episodes once in a while. One or more factors may have triggered the moment. When I do ask for help, just listen. Just be there. Don't make it more complicated than I have already made it out to be.
Thank you. I appreciate it. Honestly, I do. Otherwise, I still won't be here.
Sunday, May 22, 2016
Focusing on my ultimatum
"Issue yourself an ultimatum to change your behavior of accepting poor treatment." ~ Elyn of Life & Therapy
I have a temper of a dragon. There is no doubt that I present myself in a serene manner especially in public. I am still learning to master the finesse of Grace. The same ultimatum God has given to every single one of us.
I am human. That is a fact. To err is not a final destination of failure. The instance of quitting is. I am not a quitter. I was raised to always rise up when I fall and to always do the best I can with what is given to me.
In all relationships, regardless of its futility, I will always find a way to work a solution. Even after I have tried all avenues, in spite of my efforts, I know I did my best. All I can do is move on.
It's easy to get lost and confused in a relationship. Even if it takes one to know one, I always find myself standing alone. I know myself well enough to give any bad relationship to a flying baboon of Oz. As difficult as it was to start from the beginning; especially where I had left off from a bad and unpredictable place, finding the right path takes a lot of effort, time and energy. When it comes to relating with other human beings other than yourself, one will always be prone to disagreements, disputes and the latter of negative experiences. The truth is, I am the sole resource of impacting good or bad experiences of any relationship. Regardless of how much positivity I engage myself with others, I cannot change their bias towards me.
It takes me a lot of effort to plan a first impression. Nothing I do is ever wasted. I treat every thing that comes my way with great import. Since the day I was able to be interdependent, every one I've met along the way has noted that I am too smart for my own good. It's interesting that I have spawned the very same life form from my own. I'm aware some things are not as urgent as they seem, but I have never treated any of my task as if they were never urgent or unimportant.
People need to realize the difference between the reality of a situation and the issue at hand. It's not everyday that someone like me will take note of it. Honestly, whatever method works for me doesn't necessarily work for everybody or anybody else. If and when I have exhausted all avenues to try and fix the problem, it will no longer be my problem but someone else's. The fact of the matter is, when it all comes down to it, I did my best. If someone doesn't like the way I do things - even after I have tried other avenues, it is THEIR problem.
I have a temper of a dragon. There is no doubt that I present myself in a serene manner especially in public. I am still learning to master the finesse of Grace. The same ultimatum God has given to every single one of us.
I am human. That is a fact. To err is not a final destination of failure. The instance of quitting is. I am not a quitter. I was raised to always rise up when I fall and to always do the best I can with what is given to me.
In all relationships, regardless of its futility, I will always find a way to work a solution. Even after I have tried all avenues, in spite of my efforts, I know I did my best. All I can do is move on.
It's easy to get lost and confused in a relationship. Even if it takes one to know one, I always find myself standing alone. I know myself well enough to give any bad relationship to a flying baboon of Oz. As difficult as it was to start from the beginning; especially where I had left off from a bad and unpredictable place, finding the right path takes a lot of effort, time and energy. When it comes to relating with other human beings other than yourself, one will always be prone to disagreements, disputes and the latter of negative experiences. The truth is, I am the sole resource of impacting good or bad experiences of any relationship. Regardless of how much positivity I engage myself with others, I cannot change their bias towards me.
It takes me a lot of effort to plan a first impression. Nothing I do is ever wasted. I treat every thing that comes my way with great import. Since the day I was able to be interdependent, every one I've met along the way has noted that I am too smart for my own good. It's interesting that I have spawned the very same life form from my own. I'm aware some things are not as urgent as they seem, but I have never treated any of my task as if they were never urgent or unimportant.
People need to realize the difference between the reality of a situation and the issue at hand. It's not everyday that someone like me will take note of it. Honestly, whatever method works for me doesn't necessarily work for everybody or anybody else. If and when I have exhausted all avenues to try and fix the problem, it will no longer be my problem but someone else's. The fact of the matter is, when it all comes down to it, I did my best. If someone doesn't like the way I do things - even after I have tried other avenues, it is THEIR problem.
Friday, April 8, 2016
Learning with Grace
I don't say this often enough. I should.
"I am good at what I do. I know better when to take a hit and when not to. It's just what God would expect from me; considering I am His child."
I am thankful for all the things God has given me. Even more so now; because my mother and I are in good terms. I'm also thankful for the lessons I've learned throughout my livelihood. Boy, what a journey it was. As it stands now, it will take my little one to get used to the unexpected change.
I'm confident in what I do most of the time. There are moments when I tend to over think certain aspects of a situation. It would take a logical person to make me realize my mistake. I've taken a lot of challenges in my life. The only thing I'm still learning to master is disassociating my altruism for asceticism. If I do not balance these personality traits, I am unable to function properly in public; let alone with my own family and friends.
The difference between "assumption" and "presumption" is their level of certainty. Most people know that the assumption of a given state by an uninformed guess is usually dubious; where as the presumption of a certain state by an informed guess based on reasonable evidence is mostly true. It's truly unnerving whenever I become the recipient of being portrayed as a perceived character based on the assumption of another person's notion. It's not everyday I get a chance to speak my mind in regards to the gamut of my personal inclination towards others.
If I had the ability to express myself without any consideration or regard of the other person's disposition, I would not be here. I would cease to exist. Believe it or not, the military had ingrained an apathetic mindset throughout my training. Let me elaborate: If any one of us within our squadron were to lift a finger in setting off emotional outbursts, our team will die; if not so, then the military operation will fail.
I have learned a lot of coping and survival mechanisms while I was in the military. The best part of it was the opportunity it provided. Especially being enlisted in the Air Force. You could be any body: Fire fighter, Chef, Musician, Editor, Librarian, Automobile Mechanic, Journalist, Electrician or even a Janitor; just to list a few. Apart from the offered skill sets aforementioned, they have self-help programs such as anger management, time management, communication and business relation courses; as well as public speaking courses.
"I am good at what I do. I know better when to take a hit and when not to. It's just what God would expect from me; considering I am His child."
I am thankful for all the things God has given me. Even more so now; because my mother and I are in good terms. I'm also thankful for the lessons I've learned throughout my livelihood. Boy, what a journey it was. As it stands now, it will take my little one to get used to the unexpected change.
I'm confident in what I do most of the time. There are moments when I tend to over think certain aspects of a situation. It would take a logical person to make me realize my mistake. I've taken a lot of challenges in my life. The only thing I'm still learning to master is disassociating my altruism for asceticism. If I do not balance these personality traits, I am unable to function properly in public; let alone with my own family and friends.
The difference between "assumption" and "presumption" is their level of certainty. Most people know that the assumption of a given state by an uninformed guess is usually dubious; where as the presumption of a certain state by an informed guess based on reasonable evidence is mostly true. It's truly unnerving whenever I become the recipient of being portrayed as a perceived character based on the assumption of another person's notion. It's not everyday I get a chance to speak my mind in regards to the gamut of my personal inclination towards others.
If I had the ability to express myself without any consideration or regard of the other person's disposition, I would not be here. I would cease to exist. Believe it or not, the military had ingrained an apathetic mindset throughout my training. Let me elaborate: If any one of us within our squadron were to lift a finger in setting off emotional outbursts, our team will die; if not so, then the military operation will fail.
I have learned a lot of coping and survival mechanisms while I was in the military. The best part of it was the opportunity it provided. Especially being enlisted in the Air Force. You could be any body: Fire fighter, Chef, Musician, Editor, Librarian, Automobile Mechanic, Journalist, Electrician or even a Janitor; just to list a few. Apart from the offered skill sets aforementioned, they have self-help programs such as anger management, time management, communication and business relation courses; as well as public speaking courses.
I always want to learn new things. Even if I have a penchant for technological hardware, I will always accept a challenge whenever the opportunity presents itself. Considering where that market has gone, I am considered an obsolete resource. If I wanted to open my own computer repair shop or maybe build my own robot, I neither have the skills or the resources to run my own business.
I did not regret my decision when I took up Information Systems and Technology as my college major. Since I am currently left with fewer resources, my dream job to be a Certified Network Security Specialist for the Federal Bureau of Investigations has been put aside.
I know my limitations. Despite such impediments, I will always try my hardest rendering it to the best of my ability. Even when I exceed my expectations, I am appreciative of my newfound capabilities. Unfortunately, the reality of the inevitable limitations surface through such accomplishments. Even rubber bands break when it exceeds its usual or intended size and purpose.
The important lesson I've learned from my parents was that I have to learn with grace. The same Grace God has given Mankind when He created them. Grace is the willingness to acknowledge one's own ability or lack thereof in order to be favored by another. It is also becoming aware of accepting defeat for what its worth and to walk away without causing negative affect on others.
So for what its [this blog] worth, I am hoping I am still able to express myself freely without causing distress to anyone else; including myself. With that being said, I shall continue my journey regardless where my life endeavors take me or wherever God leads me to.
Thursday, February 25, 2016
How I feel as a woman - in a nutshell
In one of my previous blogs, "What defines a woman," I iterated some of my opinions about how society labeled them.
I have come to a realization that my habits have succumbed to the societal nomenclature of the "Damsel in distress" syndrome. I never liked the idea of being a victim nor even want to have the notion of becoming one. Yet, here I am pondering in my devious little brain that it's all I've ever known from the time I was aware of existing.
I could give you a list of reasons why I hung out more with men than I did with women. But for now, I'll just state that I feel that men are less likely to feel "victimized" by women than they would with other men. I'm pretty sure there would be some men who might disagree with me, but all I am left with is my emotional state of contempt for being a woman.
I'm done playing the "blame game." I have always felt I could be so much more if I had been born a man. It wasn't always a constant reverie, but the notion stayed at the back of my mind. I understand now what my male friends have been nagging at me for so many years. If I could just dish out my hang-ups for whatever reason I'm holding them on for, I could be anything - an awesome human being to be with.
The resonating truth of my fibrous being is just waiting for me to do something about it. I am at a total loss on how to go about it. No therapy is worth the effort if I'm not motivated enough to commit to it. I'll be just wasting a talented skill of my counselor out the door.
I am capable of many things. I have seen the challenges I have taken. I have completed each challenge with a high rate of success. I have been very proud of my accomplishments. Nothing hurts me more than hearing people say, "It's not good enough." When it comes right down to it, I've honestly done my best. It hurts me because my auto response triggers the most obnoxious criticism from my subconscious. I am forever stuck feeling depressed and emotionally overwhelmed by the tone of how someone had criticized me. It gets pretty bad when my body starts to shake and tears welling up in my eyes because people start assuming that I have begun to look emotionally unstable. I may even look incapable of being a reasonable person. As we all know, assumption is a dangerous act to take when an argument has taken place. What they don't understand is, I'm trying to fight the other half of me from ripping this person apart with my bare hands. I almost did - once.
With that being said, I have come to a conclusion of how to explain my predicament. Imagine yourself living in a house full of mirrors. Would you want to continue living in it? How would you cope having to look every single day of your life into each and every mirror in the household? I am that mirror. Whatever emotion you reflect regardless of intent, I will absorb it. I will fight my hardest not to reflect it back ten fold. My therapist and counselor have advised me to take a step back and imagine myself holding a shield. They advised that building a wall will not help anyone; let alone help myself from becoming a better person in the long run.
I don't regret being a woman. I just wish I knew how to get over this feeling of being a victim in every adversity or whenever someone criticizes me with unreasonable prejudices. It takes me a while to differentiate constructive criticism from a biased one; especially when it's coming from a woman. Most women are known for subtle shrewdness. It's daunting for me if the aforementioned triggers kick in when the criticism is coming from a man; especially when it's someone older than I am.
I have taken precautions not to listen to my subconscious. It's not something someone should try to provoke me in doing. Even though I have taken steps to rely on my feelings more than I do my subconscious, it doesn't mean I am incapable of being a reasonable person.
Even if a woman such as myself is capable of putting my emotions aside, it doesn't change the fact that my limitations hinder me from accomplishing any tasks. I like to be challenged. It takes my mind off from wandering in the abyss of my depression. If it takes me to be this honest to allow me to be a better person around other people, then let me be. Maybe, just maybe; I don't have to feel being victimized all the damn time all because I'm a woman.
Edited 4/7/2016
I have come to a realization that my habits have succumbed to the societal nomenclature of the "Damsel in distress" syndrome. I never liked the idea of being a victim nor even want to have the notion of becoming one. Yet, here I am pondering in my devious little brain that it's all I've ever known from the time I was aware of existing.
I could give you a list of reasons why I hung out more with men than I did with women. But for now, I'll just state that I feel that men are less likely to feel "victimized" by women than they would with other men. I'm pretty sure there would be some men who might disagree with me, but all I am left with is my emotional state of contempt for being a woman.
I'm done playing the "blame game." I have always felt I could be so much more if I had been born a man. It wasn't always a constant reverie, but the notion stayed at the back of my mind. I understand now what my male friends have been nagging at me for so many years. If I could just dish out my hang-ups for whatever reason I'm holding them on for, I could be anything - an awesome human being to be with.
The resonating truth of my fibrous being is just waiting for me to do something about it. I am at a total loss on how to go about it. No therapy is worth the effort if I'm not motivated enough to commit to it. I'll be just wasting a talented skill of my counselor out the door.
I am capable of many things. I have seen the challenges I have taken. I have completed each challenge with a high rate of success. I have been very proud of my accomplishments. Nothing hurts me more than hearing people say, "It's not good enough." When it comes right down to it, I've honestly done my best. It hurts me because my auto response triggers the most obnoxious criticism from my subconscious. I am forever stuck feeling depressed and emotionally overwhelmed by the tone of how someone had criticized me. It gets pretty bad when my body starts to shake and tears welling up in my eyes because people start assuming that I have begun to look emotionally unstable. I may even look incapable of being a reasonable person. As we all know, assumption is a dangerous act to take when an argument has taken place. What they don't understand is, I'm trying to fight the other half of me from ripping this person apart with my bare hands. I almost did - once.
With that being said, I have come to a conclusion of how to explain my predicament. Imagine yourself living in a house full of mirrors. Would you want to continue living in it? How would you cope having to look every single day of your life into each and every mirror in the household? I am that mirror. Whatever emotion you reflect regardless of intent, I will absorb it. I will fight my hardest not to reflect it back ten fold. My therapist and counselor have advised me to take a step back and imagine myself holding a shield. They advised that building a wall will not help anyone; let alone help myself from becoming a better person in the long run.
I don't regret being a woman. I just wish I knew how to get over this feeling of being a victim in every adversity or whenever someone criticizes me with unreasonable prejudices. It takes me a while to differentiate constructive criticism from a biased one; especially when it's coming from a woman. Most women are known for subtle shrewdness. It's daunting for me if the aforementioned triggers kick in when the criticism is coming from a man; especially when it's someone older than I am.
I have taken precautions not to listen to my subconscious. It's not something someone should try to provoke me in doing. Even though I have taken steps to rely on my feelings more than I do my subconscious, it doesn't mean I am incapable of being a reasonable person.
Even if a woman such as myself is capable of putting my emotions aside, it doesn't change the fact that my limitations hinder me from accomplishing any tasks. I like to be challenged. It takes my mind off from wandering in the abyss of my depression. If it takes me to be this honest to allow me to be a better person around other people, then let me be. Maybe, just maybe; I don't have to feel being victimized all the damn time all because I'm a woman.
Edited 4/7/2016
Tuesday, February 16, 2016
Possible tattoo for my arm?
Cool Panda Samurai artwork
Cool Coheed and Cambria backdrop album cover
Coheed and Cambria backdrop by David Seidman
Coheed and Cambria backdrop by plasticmantis on DeviantArt
Family Clan Animal
Asian Panda by Fiona Hsieh. Honestly, where else would a panda be other than the zoo?
Asian Panda O: by FionaHsieh on DeviantArt
Deviant Art Design Battle "Artists United" Winner
Deviant Art Design Battle "Artists United" by Rey J. I still have this T-Shirt in good condition. I actually wanted the black color T-Shirt which sold out immediately after it was launched. I wish DeviantWear would open shop again.
Da Design 2 color shirts
Favorite Deviant artist
Lost Sheep by Ursula Vernon. I still want to get this tattoo inked on my skin.
Lost Sheep by ursulav on DeviantArt
An Epiphany about "Where's Waldo"
Favorite DC Super hero team
This was taken from http://stevegarciaart.deviantart.com/gallery/ and posted by Yano.com
A sad but true problem when artist's work do not get revenue in their intended website because of incidents such as this.
Please go to Steve Garcia's active Instagram account and give him the support and credit he deserves.
https://www.etsy.com/shop/djsdecals
A sad but true problem when artist's work do not get revenue in their intended website because of incidents such as this.
Please go to Steve Garcia's active Instagram account and give him the support and credit he deserves.
https://www.etsy.com/shop/djsdecals
Favorite DC Super hero
Favorite Marvel Super hero
http://marvel.com/characters/57/storm
Footnote: Even TinEye couldn't find the original source of the Artist in question. Too much "noise" to filter through.
Footnote: Even TinEye couldn't find the original source of the Artist in question. Too much "noise" to filter through.
Looking Positively Radiant
In the recent weeks, staying positive while reality is slapping me in the face, can be mentally exhausting, overwhelming and has the tendency to get me piqued.
It's not so much of not wanting to stay positive; especially when someone like me, is so emotionally attached to everything. Even in the midst of my prayers with God, I have little reminders egging me to listen.
After getting fully acquainted with the nuance of Blogger's recent integration with Google+, I've embraced the simplicity of the application without resentment. I wish so much to switch my brain for a logical one, but I wouldn't be quite the same.
So, here's to my personal mission statement:
I will do my best to be aware of the people I'm affecting around me. Perhaps collaborate and compromise in applying the best solution to a certain situation; as needed. I was told that not every solution available works for the situation at that particular time. I should also continue to better my well-being regardless of my emotional state. I certainly do not want to end up like my father. He worked himself to the grave; literally. He spent so much time trying to finish a project without getting much needed rest, social interaction, proper diet (too much soda and processed food) or at least some quality time for himself or his family.
I was raised to always love the work I do and to take pride in it even if it's not something I'm good at. Even if I lack the ability to solve a problem instantaneously, I can still solve problems with little to none of any repercussions.
The benefits of staying positive have worked wonders for people who keep at it. They're more energetic. They stay younger. They are able to keep fit. Most of all, they become well-rounded and reasonable people to hang out and be with.
Applying all of these positive affirmations, such as, "I can do this," or "God give me strength and the will to pass the day without quitting," have its limitations too. This is why God rested. It's not that He gave up. He just wanted to sit, relax, and enjoy His marvelous work of art. The reason for us to fervently desire perfection is because we just want to be like Him: omniscient, immortal, powerful, and gracious.
The most powerful advice Jesus gave to his disciples is, "If you want to be great in God's Kingdom, you have to learn to be the servant of all." (Matthew 20:26) With that being said, I have to be grateful to those who taught me how to stay positive and improve my well-being and lifestyle.
I like how Nadia Goodman stated in her article about challenging the negative thoughts. I've been left idle for far too long in the day that allows me to dwell on the negative thoughts. I need to keep myself engaged in something productive. That's what I'm going to do.
It's not so much of not wanting to stay positive; especially when someone like me, is so emotionally attached to everything. Even in the midst of my prayers with God, I have little reminders egging me to listen.
After getting fully acquainted with the nuance of Blogger's recent integration with Google+, I've embraced the simplicity of the application without resentment. I wish so much to switch my brain for a logical one, but I wouldn't be quite the same.
So, here's to my personal mission statement:
I will do my best to be aware of the people I'm affecting around me. Perhaps collaborate and compromise in applying the best solution to a certain situation; as needed. I was told that not every solution available works for the situation at that particular time. I should also continue to better my well-being regardless of my emotional state. I certainly do not want to end up like my father. He worked himself to the grave; literally. He spent so much time trying to finish a project without getting much needed rest, social interaction, proper diet (too much soda and processed food) or at least some quality time for himself or his family.
I was raised to always love the work I do and to take pride in it even if it's not something I'm good at. Even if I lack the ability to solve a problem instantaneously, I can still solve problems with little to none of any repercussions.
The benefits of staying positive have worked wonders for people who keep at it. They're more energetic. They stay younger. They are able to keep fit. Most of all, they become well-rounded and reasonable people to hang out and be with.
Applying all of these positive affirmations, such as, "I can do this," or "God give me strength and the will to pass the day without quitting," have its limitations too. This is why God rested. It's not that He gave up. He just wanted to sit, relax, and enjoy His marvelous work of art. The reason for us to fervently desire perfection is because we just want to be like Him: omniscient, immortal, powerful, and gracious.
The most powerful advice Jesus gave to his disciples is, "If you want to be great in God's Kingdom, you have to learn to be the servant of all." (Matthew 20:26) With that being said, I have to be grateful to those who taught me how to stay positive and improve my well-being and lifestyle.
I like how Nadia Goodman stated in her article about challenging the negative thoughts. I've been left idle for far too long in the day that allows me to dwell on the negative thoughts. I need to keep myself engaged in something productive. That's what I'm going to do.
Wednesday, January 27, 2016
Justified
Regardless on how I feel, I deserve better. No one should ever be provoked to anger by manner of insolence. Even as I child, I tried my hardest not to annoy my parents. It comes with the territory of being youthful and care-free. I have done my damage. Even when things don't work as they should, I am still blessed. I'm going to focus on that.
I've had plenty of Indian friends growing up. Living here in the U.S., I have come to observe that it has painted a lot of views on how Indians perceive the American Dream. I never would have thought this "stereotype" could enter my mind, but I have never experienced such a distaste for people, who cannot grasp the concept of tact, consideration and humility.
Just note that this statement alone is just on my personal experience. I now vow to never step foot or ever visit India. Just having to deal with people like that is too stressful for me.
I've had plenty of Indian friends growing up. Living here in the U.S., I have come to observe that it has painted a lot of views on how Indians perceive the American Dream. I never would have thought this "stereotype" could enter my mind, but I have never experienced such a distaste for people, who cannot grasp the concept of tact, consideration and humility.
Just note that this statement alone is just on my personal experience. I now vow to never step foot or ever visit India. Just having to deal with people like that is too stressful for me.
Friday, January 22, 2016
Where do we go when reality kicks in?
It has been an overwhelming New Year. I had always known that the New Year will be full of disasters, but I had never thought it would come rushing in with one fell swoop.
Now unemployed, suffering from depression and insomnia, I'm left to reflect on all the things I could have done to prevent the disasters. Honestly, I had no control of the situation. Most people would tell me that, "Everything will be alright." I would like to hope so. There is this underlying sense of disbelief and melancholy to my plight.
I'm not trying to damper anyone's good mood for the New Year, but the recent deaths from cancer has been rather aggressive these recent years. You would think by now, our advance scientific researches on cures for cancer would have made a great impact on humanity's mortality.
I am by far a scientific genius. I wish I could have been, but I just can't grasp the concept of scientific formulas to save my life. I could be the world's greatest data analyst, but even then, I couldn't qualify since I barely passed the numeric typing test. My average word per minute is at best a 40 or a 45. So much for being a perfectionist. I was young once: didn't care whether or not I made mistakes as long I was the first one to finish a task. After several warnings from my Staff Sergeant to do things right the first time, I had to keep myself at a steady, yet efficient pace for lesser errors to occur in my projects and assignments.
I have always dreamed becoming a famous detective like Sherlock Holmes. Times have change. I have to have at least a Bachelor's Degree and exceptional skills at Computer Fundamental Systems and Administration. After my divorce, I was unable to pay for my classes. I have not been able to come back to finish my semester. I'm left with my Associate's Degree in Computer Network Engineering, which I have yet to fully use at my expense.
I have been out of the Information Technology market for 9 years. No matter how strong my desire is to get my dream job in the IT field, I'm left in tears of disappointment and resentment. In order for me to get where I need to be, I need to show proof of education and qualifications. Without it, I cannot gain the experience. Without the experience, I am rendered incapable and unqualified as a candidate.
Looking for simple jobs have been devastating. Everything has been computerized. There really isn't a way to gauge my work ethics by just selecting 'True' or 'False' in a Career Assessment. In my devastation, I decided to find something that might help me see where I'm lacking in ability to get a job that is right for me.
I went to this website, MAPP, which I happen upon during my Google search. I gave it a try. Here are the results:
Preferences for Lei fully support being perceptually, subconsciously, and consciously aware of fantasy, symbols, symbolic relationships, abstract ideas, options, and choice of options as they relate to creative or innovative activities. Perception triggers ideas in Lei 's mind, a process that just happens - a process often called intuition. It is not a conscious effort to logically "come up with" creative ideas; instead, the process is best identified with the statement that "a thought struck me." A quote by Carl Jung probably makes complete sense to Lei : "Art is innate in the artist, like an instinct that seizes and makes a tool out of the human being. The thing in the final analysis that wills something in him is not he, the personal man, but the aim of the art."
Lei has a strong preference to work under the management or supervision of others who are competent and knowledgeable in their area of expertise. This also may indicate a preference to avoid work of an independent nature (i.e. self-directed, self-planned, self-managed). Performance, morale, energy, enthusiasm, and quality of work tend to reflect how satisfied Lei is with the working environment as created and managed by the motivational and inspirational leadership of a manager, director, supervisor, or lead-person.
Lei 's preferences, more often than not, are motivated by such things as sensing and seeing aesthetics, essence, philosophical and psychological meaning, and effect of color. Lei probably doesn't consider the saying, "Beauty is more than skin deep" as a cliche. Further, Lei considers pattern, texture, and spatial measure: size, shape, distance, dimension, perspective, relationship, etc. with the same regard. This includes abstract dimensions and patterns, graphics, layouts, etc. (NOTE: That higher artistic sense is the source of abstract art, animated films, computer graphics, fractal geometry, new clothing designs and styles, modern architecture, etc.) Lei would probably make a permanent mental note of the quote from Carl Jung, "The artist is essentially the instrument, and he stands below his work, for which reason we should never expect from him an interpretation of his own work. He achieved his highest with his composition."
Lei feels both privilege and responsibility to use communication (including persuasion) to voluntarily provide beneficial information to others. This includes strongly motivated benevolent and literary traits. Self-satisfaction comes almost exclusively from the subjective realization that the information, voluntarily given, has been helpful to other persons. Lei is further motivated to learn and understand the other person(s) needs wishes and listening preferences. Non-persuasive service communication can become persuasive and persistent when expressed in the interest of someone needing Lei to stand up for them.
Lei is well motivated for activity involving craft tools, repetitious activity, recognizable detail, variable physical conditions (temperature, elements, etc.) and minor tangible problem solving. This work is often called manual labor or basic labor to indicate that it can be done with minimum skill, training, instruction, or supervision. It is very often associated with a helper position and role.
High motivational levels in the copy trait means more than laying a paper face down in a copy machine and pushing buttons. It includes: 1) awareness of spatial measure and layout: size, shape, dimension, perspective; 2) artistic ability for factual image reproduction; 3) attention to detail; 4) awareness of machine function and use; and 5) tolerance of or preference for routine. High motivational levels represent an asset for database management, administrative work, warehouse processing, or library activities as well. It is particularly valuable for persons operating printing or copy shops or persons involved in publishing with computers. Lei would most likely prefer activities that include as many of the attributes, mentioned above, as possible.
Lei prefers routine tasks that are explained, demonstrated, and supervised in a familiar environment: Key motivational responsibilities may include dependability, a steady work record, thorough and clean performance, and trustworthiness relative to the property of others. (NOTE: Many maintenance positions are in this category, as are some temporary or seasonal jobs).
Lei 's motivations fully support either natural talents or trained abilities with regard to excellent perception of detail and the ability to accurately create and process records related to that detail. (NOTE: This ability to steadily, consistently, and accurately identify and process detail relies on conscious and particularly subconscious talents). Clearly, preferences for Lei focus on detail related to data and numbers. Occupations requiring this level of motivation and/or natural or trained abilities include: pharmacists, registered nurses, transportation and distribution, switchboard operators, data processors, etc.
Lei has a unique motivation to carefully, thoroughly read simple explanatory or instructional statements (like the directions on the label of a soup can) and fully/accurately know what was said. (NOTE: This is not a widely shared trait. Unless the subject attracts the reader's attention in the first place, reading of elementary instructions is just scanning, and some information is probably overlooked, ignored, or bypassed. Lei should regard this unique asset as vocationally important.)
I am highly impressed and truly humbled by this. I don't know if there is ever a way for me to get my dream job, but at least I know I am an awesome candidate for any job who is willing to hire me for who I am as a person; and what I am capable of as an artist, ambitious worker, well-rounded team player, and an inspirational leader.
Now unemployed, suffering from depression and insomnia, I'm left to reflect on all the things I could have done to prevent the disasters. Honestly, I had no control of the situation. Most people would tell me that, "Everything will be alright." I would like to hope so. There is this underlying sense of disbelief and melancholy to my plight.
I'm not trying to damper anyone's good mood for the New Year, but the recent deaths from cancer has been rather aggressive these recent years. You would think by now, our advance scientific researches on cures for cancer would have made a great impact on humanity's mortality.
I am by far a scientific genius. I wish I could have been, but I just can't grasp the concept of scientific formulas to save my life. I could be the world's greatest data analyst, but even then, I couldn't qualify since I barely passed the numeric typing test. My average word per minute is at best a 40 or a 45. So much for being a perfectionist. I was young once: didn't care whether or not I made mistakes as long I was the first one to finish a task. After several warnings from my Staff Sergeant to do things right the first time, I had to keep myself at a steady, yet efficient pace for lesser errors to occur in my projects and assignments.
I have always dreamed becoming a famous detective like Sherlock Holmes. Times have change. I have to have at least a Bachelor's Degree and exceptional skills at Computer Fundamental Systems and Administration. After my divorce, I was unable to pay for my classes. I have not been able to come back to finish my semester. I'm left with my Associate's Degree in Computer Network Engineering, which I have yet to fully use at my expense.
I have been out of the Information Technology market for 9 years. No matter how strong my desire is to get my dream job in the IT field, I'm left in tears of disappointment and resentment. In order for me to get where I need to be, I need to show proof of education and qualifications. Without it, I cannot gain the experience. Without the experience, I am rendered incapable and unqualified as a candidate.
Looking for simple jobs have been devastating. Everything has been computerized. There really isn't a way to gauge my work ethics by just selecting 'True' or 'False' in a Career Assessment. In my devastation, I decided to find something that might help me see where I'm lacking in ability to get a job that is right for me.
I went to this website, MAPP, which I happen upon during my Google search. I gave it a try. Here are the results:
Preferences for Lei fully support being perceptually, subconsciously, and consciously aware of fantasy, symbols, symbolic relationships, abstract ideas, options, and choice of options as they relate to creative or innovative activities. Perception triggers ideas in Lei 's mind, a process that just happens - a process often called intuition. It is not a conscious effort to logically "come up with" creative ideas; instead, the process is best identified with the statement that "a thought struck me." A quote by Carl Jung probably makes complete sense to Lei : "Art is innate in the artist, like an instinct that seizes and makes a tool out of the human being. The thing in the final analysis that wills something in him is not he, the personal man, but the aim of the art."
Lei has a strong preference to work under the management or supervision of others who are competent and knowledgeable in their area of expertise. This also may indicate a preference to avoid work of an independent nature (i.e. self-directed, self-planned, self-managed). Performance, morale, energy, enthusiasm, and quality of work tend to reflect how satisfied Lei is with the working environment as created and managed by the motivational and inspirational leadership of a manager, director, supervisor, or lead-person.
Lei 's preferences, more often than not, are motivated by such things as sensing and seeing aesthetics, essence, philosophical and psychological meaning, and effect of color. Lei probably doesn't consider the saying, "Beauty is more than skin deep" as a cliche. Further, Lei considers pattern, texture, and spatial measure: size, shape, distance, dimension, perspective, relationship, etc. with the same regard. This includes abstract dimensions and patterns, graphics, layouts, etc. (NOTE: That higher artistic sense is the source of abstract art, animated films, computer graphics, fractal geometry, new clothing designs and styles, modern architecture, etc.) Lei would probably make a permanent mental note of the quote from Carl Jung, "The artist is essentially the instrument, and he stands below his work, for which reason we should never expect from him an interpretation of his own work. He achieved his highest with his composition."
Lei feels both privilege and responsibility to use communication (including persuasion) to voluntarily provide beneficial information to others. This includes strongly motivated benevolent and literary traits. Self-satisfaction comes almost exclusively from the subjective realization that the information, voluntarily given, has been helpful to other persons. Lei is further motivated to learn and understand the other person(s) needs wishes and listening preferences. Non-persuasive service communication can become persuasive and persistent when expressed in the interest of someone needing Lei to stand up for them.
Lei is well motivated for activity involving craft tools, repetitious activity, recognizable detail, variable physical conditions (temperature, elements, etc.) and minor tangible problem solving. This work is often called manual labor or basic labor to indicate that it can be done with minimum skill, training, instruction, or supervision. It is very often associated with a helper position and role.
High motivational levels in the copy trait means more than laying a paper face down in a copy machine and pushing buttons. It includes: 1) awareness of spatial measure and layout: size, shape, dimension, perspective; 2) artistic ability for factual image reproduction; 3) attention to detail; 4) awareness of machine function and use; and 5) tolerance of or preference for routine. High motivational levels represent an asset for database management, administrative work, warehouse processing, or library activities as well. It is particularly valuable for persons operating printing or copy shops or persons involved in publishing with computers. Lei would most likely prefer activities that include as many of the attributes, mentioned above, as possible.
Lei prefers routine tasks that are explained, demonstrated, and supervised in a familiar environment: Key motivational responsibilities may include dependability, a steady work record, thorough and clean performance, and trustworthiness relative to the property of others. (NOTE: Many maintenance positions are in this category, as are some temporary or seasonal jobs).
Lei 's motivations fully support either natural talents or trained abilities with regard to excellent perception of detail and the ability to accurately create and process records related to that detail. (NOTE: This ability to steadily, consistently, and accurately identify and process detail relies on conscious and particularly subconscious talents). Clearly, preferences for Lei focus on detail related to data and numbers. Occupations requiring this level of motivation and/or natural or trained abilities include: pharmacists, registered nurses, transportation and distribution, switchboard operators, data processors, etc.
Lei has a unique motivation to carefully, thoroughly read simple explanatory or instructional statements (like the directions on the label of a soup can) and fully/accurately know what was said. (NOTE: This is not a widely shared trait. Unless the subject attracts the reader's attention in the first place, reading of elementary instructions is just scanning, and some information is probably overlooked, ignored, or bypassed. Lei should regard this unique asset as vocationally important.)
I am highly impressed and truly humbled by this. I don't know if there is ever a way for me to get my dream job, but at least I know I am an awesome candidate for any job who is willing to hire me for who I am as a person; and what I am capable of as an artist, ambitious worker, well-rounded team player, and an inspirational leader.
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