Healing in God's grace; Forgiveness in the eyes of Christ

A resonating truth about my past cannot be forgotten. The truth hurts; but there it is: I grew up in a Domestic Violent home under the roof of Charismatic Protestant parents.

Since the day I devoted my life to Christ 23 years ago, my life towards inner peace became a tedious journey. A journey filled with pain, frustration, joy and laughter.

I was baptized in the same church, where my parents had dedicated me to God. I was only 3 days old. My only recollection of the event were photographs, which have faded through the test of time. You would think my parents would be proud of me for being led back to Word for the World Ministry to be baptized as a Born-Again Christian. No. They condemned me for betraying Bethel Church. Worse of all, the Pastor of Bethel Church did the same. As young and feisty as I was, I rebuked them - just as Jesus had done to Simon Peter. Nevertheless, I was baptized again under Bethel Church because it was demanded from me. The blessing wasn't the same as it did the first time.

I was later humbled when a Pastor from a Malaysian non-denominational church told me that the ritual was not important. My commitment to Christ as a born-again Christian was all that mattered to God. Why else would Jesus accept a baptism from John, the Baptist, when he was prophesied as the known Christ? God has already blessed me when I took the call. I learned a lot from Pastor Julie. She instilled in me a passion for knowledge and wisdom from God. All the questions I had longed to ask, were answered. I was no longer demanded to silence and isolation.

Since I left Malaysia, searching for a Church just like Pastor Julie's was difficult. I lost connection with all my Christian Malaysian brothers and sisters. I prayed every day for wisdom. Every day, God has led me to new places and meet people. People who need hope and healing. Meeting these people have blessed and healed me in the process too. When my sisters invited me to join Facebook, I was able to reconnect with old friends, whom I love and cherish. It was difficult for me to reconnect with them, because I was fearful for my life. Especially if I filled out the 'Life Event' portion on Facebook.

Divorce in Asian culture is a repulsive subject to discuss; especially in religious communities. I was relieved to find out that they understood Domestic Violence is not well tolerated. I never knew it was so. Whether or not my mother knew that she had the ability to call for a safe house, she had not chosen to use the resources available to her. The Bethel Church leader enabled the situation to escalate. My parents continued their abusive relationship for 35 years.

A lifestyle I do not want to recreate. Even though I lost my marriage to Domestic Violence, I survived the fallout of always feeling like a victim. I eventually opened up and kindness poured in. Much to my surprise, Chris forgave me. I knew in my heart there was good in him. He was happy to accept my forgiveness in return. Our mutual respect for each other stood genuine as it did the first time we met. I'm grateful that Chris accepted my husband as a trustworthy co-parent. They plan schedules together. My daughter couldn't be much happier. As a witness to this unified relationship, I knew I needed healing.

I've been through a lot. I've put others through turmoil and desolate relationships. For the friends who stayed with me, I will stay forever humble and grateful. I couldn't have trudged on through the mud without your encouragement and hugs. Thank you for believing and trusting in me.

Through my turmoil and desolation, I learned to be still; to be mindful of the hurt, the loss and frustration of not being able to control my destiny. Healing and forgiveness did not happen overnight. This journey took me 26 years to learn how to trust God and live a fulfilled life through Christ's teachings. I am neither asking any of my non-christian friends to convert to Christianity. Their kindness alone in helping me heal through my pain and suffering, has blessed them to receive God's grace. As Jesus has told his disciples many years ago that anyone who receives his brother (in need) has received him as well (Matthew 25:40). I am rejoicing in the abundance of blessings God has provided for me. I don't know how else to share my joy other than with friends and family.

I have also learned to listen. Acknowledging my feelings of pain and suffering, which lingers at the back of my head, has led me to kindness. The action to consider and validate one's own self-prejudice and unprecedented conviction. The practice of this habit is a lot of work. I'm still clumsy at it. Every time I succeed, I rejoice and give thanks.

Many of you who come to know me through my rough journey, I thank you for your patience. I know I don't profess a lot about my faith because I've seen firsthand what it is like to be excluded, isolated and rejected. Even though I was raised in a Christian home, the foundation was neither Christ-like or Godsend. The God I was told to worship was not the God who revealed their presence to me on the night I decided to commit suicide. God led me to where I needed to go and see with my own eyes what it was like to live in His grace.

God continues to teach me every day. Whenever I become mindful of His presence, I am deeply humbled. God knows I get distracted a lot. It is in those silent moments of reflecting in His wisdom, I become aware of my blessings. I always do my best to thank Him. God is everything. God is love. God is gender-full. God is who I want to be: Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness and Self-Control. I want to be full of everything God is. This is the God, whom Christ spoke of: Jehovah Jirah.

I have learned that forgiveness is not a debt you take into account from somebody else. Forgiveness is the willingness to accept that you can only control things you can fix. I can fix my wound. Now it's time to rest and heal. I've been fighting for so long in my battles, I have forgotten to rest. I was so used to bandage up not realizing that my wounds needed time to heal. If I did not allow for healing, I am no use to anyone bent and broken. I have put down my sword and armor. I have now accepted my fate to stop, rest and heal. Ever since then, I can feel my wounds slowly hurting less. I have become more energetic, refreshed and alive.

I know I can't rest forever. There's so much of God's work to be done. I had always believed I was called to God's ministry. During my season of resting and healing, I am certain my calling will be soon. I've always wanted to help children. I want to teach them how to be independent, self-sufficient, resourceful and respectable people. There are plentiful of misguided children. The sheer number of these children becoming adults have caused a lot of strife, bereavement and chaos in society today.

I believe my calling needs a lot of practice. The only way I know to do this, is to practice with my daughter. She has so much to learn. Overwhelming her with my knowledge has created a lot of tension between us.

Ever since I enrolled myself to the VA program last year, our relationship couldn't have improved without it. I'm still learning. I don't think I can ever stop learning. The universe is expanding. Why shouldn't I? If I decide to stop learning, I'll be depriving myself from being and growing.

I may not be perfect; but at least I know I'm loved unconditionally. I believe this is the calling I am meant to be in God's grace: Forgiveness in Christ's eyes.

Life goes on

How many of you are superstitious about horoscopes? Did anyone watch the Today Show's opinion about it on September 26, 2016? They were telling the whole world that your life was a lie. https://www.today.com/today/amp/tdna103295

I've studied the stars and constellations since high school. Earth moves constantly regardless of the life living and dying in it. The constellations are still there. Just because Earth has changed its axis, doesn't mean your horoscopes have too. If you're a Scientific researcher as much as I am, you would understand that the constellations are not on Earth but in space. Just because NASA discovered another constellation, doesn't make it a new zodiac sign.

My point is, life goes on; whether you like it or not. Whether you're into Astrology and the psychic realm of knowledge, doesn't mean you're the expert in Astronomy. There are billions, if not gazillions, of stars and galaxies we have yet to discover. The Universe is expanding. This newfound discovery would mean only one thing. We may not be the only living satellite in the universe. Just because you can't see it, doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

Stop believing in the hype people throw at you. Think about what you've been told. Do your research. God gave you a brain for a reason. Use it. You're life was never a lie. You are a valid living specie born on the right day of when God aligned the Moon, Sun, stars and planets just so you can bring light, love and peace to the world. Yes, I am ad-libbing the quote of Mrs. Which from A Wrinkle In Time.

Life has so many opportunities for you to experience. Go boldly. Be free. Move forward. Time and tide waits for no Man. Life goes on.

Myth vs Truth: The Good, The Bad and The Beautiful Peace

Myth #1: Lei Anne is stupid and lazy
Truth #1: I am a procrastinator and mostly naïve about most things. I’ve only been on this planet for 40 years. There’s so much in the world to explore and discover! I would love to know everything there is in the world before I leave this planet. I always make sure that I am mindful of the world around me before I state my opinions.
I’ve made a lot of mistakes regarding my choices in life. It wasn’t because I was obstinate about having things done my own way. I was basing my decision on lack of information. Just imagine; if Google existed when I was 10 years old, I would have been the wisest and knowledgeable 40 year old on the planet!
I have a visual impairment. In addition to my astigmatism, I am partially dyslexic. I had a difficult time reading from a page if the lines of the paragraph are close together. I had suffered a lot of ridicule from my parents and relatives alike. I was tired of explaining myself. It was here in the United States, where people understood my disability. They adjusted their systems accordingly so that I may be able to perform the tasks well. I exceeded their expectations greatly.
The Veterans Affairs diagnosed me with Rheumatoid Arthritis at 32. Regardless of how it began, the pain I suffer is unbearable. From the stories my mother told, I was run over by a motorcycle at the age of 3 for darting across the road. I do recall why – my classmate was on the other side of the street. I was 10 when I fell from a zip-line jungle gym. All I can tell you now is the pain I went through after my father forced me to walk from post impact. I felt every bone, tendon and muscle pulled and strained. I have broken and sprained my left ankle 7 times and sprained my right ankle once. My body needs all the rest to recuperate from the pain.

Myth #2: Lei Anne is very negative and full of trash
Truth #2: I grew up in a Domestic Violent home. My parents were too busy fighting each other to exemplify good qualities of communication, meaningful relationships and venerate civil respect for others. It was in Saint Andrew’s School that taught me how to solve my adversity with patience, kindness, unbiased perceptions, and accommodating others’ differences. It was in UP Circle Brunei that taught me how valuable friendships are worth when you take the time and effort to learn from others. The biased connotations of your youth fades away.
It was a long and arduous journey to get from where I was to where I am now. If you have known me since then, rest assured, you will still see me as the same person. If you have come to know me now, you will find that I am reserved, cautious yet inquisitive person. If you have grown to know me better, you will understand why I am, who I am today.
Violence was all I knew. I had to fight to survive. My willingness and determination to die was stronger than looking forward living a life in a cruel world. That was then; until God personally sought to my need. If you told me that from the moment I explore the world that there are things I cannot do or allowed to do, the urge to fight back or die was the only way to cope through the negativity. My only one regret was, I believed all the lies. If I had known then that I was worth the pound of flesh I carry, I would have had a better outlook on life as an adolescent.
As an adult, I accepted the past for what it was and absolved myself from the negativity. Trust me when I say, it was a challenge. Yet here I am, telling you the story of my survival despite it all. My depression isn’t because I pitied my childhood. My depression stems from the way people treat each other for the sake of their own selfish esteem. I made it my vow – the day of my baptism that I will make everyone in my life feel important, encouraged, inspired, loved and respected. Regardless of how difficult people make the status quo seem hopeless, I have faith in the future to see myself through it all. If I have walked in Jesus’ shoes, ‘why the hell’ not face the adversity life throws at me?

Myth #3: Lei Anne is very ungrateful
Truth #3: When you have been pre-condition to stay quiet, it will be a difficult habit to break. Since I was old enough to walk and talk, I could only listen. Every uttered word was construe as a banter. It was a problematic matter at school since I had to recite essays, participate in debates and present reports in class. If it had not been for my teachers, I would not have been able to express myself freely and openly.
My sisters and I were always notorious of being late for school. Quite the contrary, I get up 3 hours before it was time to go to school. Despite how punctual I was in reminding my parents to take me to school, they will always wait for the last minute to leave the house. I challenged my Deputy Principal that if I had the ability to drive to school as a minor, I would be the earliest student of the school. When the bus route opened in our district, I proved them wrong. I was very grateful that day when the Ministry of Transportation approved bus routes to the rural area of the district where we lived.
When the Brunei Junior Certificate of Education (BJCE) results came in, I was devastated to learn that my Bahasa Melayu grade voided all my English grades down to zero. The unfair ruling of the Ministry of Education was set only to benefit local citizens while forcing the foreign residents to conform to their standards. I have gathered that based on their history, it is understandable why Bruneians are weary of foreigners. Regardless of the fact, my mother had convinced my father to leave me under their parents’ care in the Philippines to continue my education. I later realized that my BJCE grades were only satisfactory under the pretenses of my environment. My mother enrolled me to Christian School International. From there, she accommodated me at a College Dormitory within the UP Los Baños campus. My roommates left me alone to my own devices when they were busy with college projects and activities. I was able to concentrate on my studies. Even though I mailed my report cards with A’s and B’s, my parents were not impressed. I was beyond devastated. Tormented with rage, depression and hopelessness, I challenged God to strike me down and leave me at the depths of hell. If I were to believe my parents’ admonition of my incompetency, I denounce my faith as a Christian. The moment I had said that, my roommate’s boyfriend walked in on me at the point in time I was about to stab myself. He assured me that God never intended His children to suffer needlessly. The relationship with God should only between Him and me. No other being is greater than the one who conquered Death itself. That weekend, I asked my Godfather to help me understand the true meaning of being in God’s Family. He was surprised since the following Sunday was Family Camp day at their church. He invited me to join them. I recognized the Pastor. He was the same pastor who dedicated me to God when I was 3 days old. I was determined to commit my life to Christ. The Pastor questioned my decision. After further discussion, the pastor was confident of my commitment to become a Born-Again Christian.
When Typhoon Rosing hit Los Baños, the campus was devastated with limited resources. My mother had a designated restaurant for me to go to but it closed for the weather condition. My roommate complained that our curfew was drawing near. We went to the Campus cafeteria instead. 3 days later, I was very sick. The local doctor misdiagnosed me for the cold. In reality, it was food poisoning. If it were not for my landlord’s uncle, I would have died from dehydration and fatigue.
When I returned home to Brunei, my parents were furious. I had caused them so much strife during my residence in the Philippines. My medical bills had financially strained their budget. In addition to this fact, they reprimanded me for straying my faith from their church. Their pastor should have baptized me. My sisters had to join me for baptismal. I told them that this didn’t seem right. My parents and their pastor reprimanded me for questioning their authority. I held my tongue despite my grievance towards their overbearance. I trusted in God’s truth that my first and true baptism was when He called me to Him that day.
I knew my adversity as a Born-Again Christian was going to be a challenge. I am grateful for all the lessons I learned from my parents. Other parents within the UP Circle Brunei inspired me on how to have a good relationship with children as Authoritative Parents. I can assure you I am grateful for the experiences. I was angry for the right reasons. Parents should respect their children the same way they want respect. My parents always coerce me to lead by example. They never taught me how to lead. They only taught me to be obedient regardless of the task given.
It was in the military where they trained me to be a leader. I took my task seriously. I had de-escalated situations beyond my squadron’s expectations. It felt exhilarating. I learned what type of a leader I could become. I chose to lead by example instead.
The events aforementioned embarked my journey of self-discovery, life lessons and humility. There are plenty of good things to be grateful about. God has redeemed me of my weaknesses. In my weakness, I amplify my strengths. My roommate’s boyfriend was right: I would regret missing this opportunity to share this life experience to the world. I am grateful to be alive and well.
I am grateful that there are people in my life who did not give up on me. God gave me a second chance to make mistakes, learn from them and be humble enough to take the fall. The only parting lesson my late father bestowed upon me: Never give up; despite the odds. To this day, I honor his life lessons by passing it to my only child.

Myth #4: Lei Anne has no respect for the elderly or authority
Truth #4: I am afraid to burst your bubble. I am a very traditional Asian petite submissive woman. It’s engrained through my blood and nurture. Ever since I left the US Armed Forces, I cannot see myself a normal civilian wreaking havoc to society. I am so docile; it will shock you when I become belligerent. I will forewarn you only once.
I give respect the same way you respect me. That’s as simple as it sounds. No bullshit. I grew up with drama. I don’t want any of it. I will never inflict it on anyone. If you have a problem with the way I perceive things, that’s your problem; not mine. I am an adaptable and flexible person. If you do not have the ability to stay constant with your lifestyle, I’m not a fool to play around with the drama involved with your lifestyle. I stated this earlier: “I don’t like drama.”
I was a bully when I was an adolescent. I learned a hard lesson in life. It took a senior high school student to talk some sense to me. That’s right – you read it correctly: a high-school student; not my parents. I am not stating that all abused children who survived a domestic violent home are bullies, rapists and violent people. I have studied enough Science to know that this behavior, triggered only by one’s ability to understand the complexity of life. The inane ability to survive relies on the person’s genome to produce enough epinephrine to satiate the fight or flight response. If an authority is aggressive, my usual response is to stand my ground until it is necessary for me to react towards a physical confrontation. If any authority is non-aggressive, my usual response is to understand and clarify the situation when miscommunication and misunderstanding arise during the occasion. according to the feedback, I have received from people who confronted me, are viable witnesses to say that I am the nicest person they have ever met. Whether or not you believe in the matter, is your own perceived notion of your own experience dealing with me; not mine. I cannot control what you think of me. I can only control how I react to the attitude you portray towards me.

Myth #5: Lei Anne is irresponsible
Truth #5: I can be easily distracted by everything under the sun. You wouldn’t believe how I manage my life throughout the day. Whether or not you perceive my actions irresponsible, that’s your problem; not mine. There truly isn’t a living person on this planet who can perfect a multitask project all at once on their own. It was the hype in the late 80s – early 90s where people thought multitasking was something one can accomplish. It wasn’t until the mid-2000s where people are beginning to realize that all multitaskers never finish their project or at the worst circumstance, abandon a project completely. I know my limits. I can handle 3 projects at one time. If I am stuck with the first project, I will put it aside and work on the second project. There are moments when an idea strikes for project 1 while working on the middle of project 2, I will go back to project 1 to implement the idea until project 1 completes or if I get stuck again.
I need constant reminders to allow myself a break. I have learned from observing my father that if you allow yourself to be constantly working and depriving your body of rest, your body will suffer early mortality. Whether or not you experience rigor mortis from rest deprivation, you wouldn’t be able to help yourself; let alone ask for help. You’re already dead inside. If you see my person laying on the couch, as if I do not have a care in the world, you are mistaken to believe I’m being lazy and irresponsible. I rest because I have to. My body is not at its peak performance as it once was.
My body has been broken twice – motorcycle accident and a zip-line accident. My ankles hurt from falling too many times. My left knee has gone through traumatic shock. My digestive system’s biome is almost extinct due to antibiotics, inflammation and ill-advised nutrition. Resting is the only saving grace that is helping restore my body with renewable cells. With proper exercise and diet, my body will renew and refresh itself back to health.

I do not have to prove myself to make others know that I am a workaholic. I lead by example. If you ask me to complete a task, I will do it – regardless of my hesitation towards it. I was taught to always enjoy the work I am given. I have been – and I always will. My only complaint are the people who make the workload difficult. I appreciate the people who know what they want and how they want the task done. It makes it easier for me to complete the task; stay focused and determined to complete it correctly, properly and efficiently. In addition, I commend those who take my ideas in order to compromise and collaborate with me.

Myth # 6: Lei Anne is a liar and a cheater
Truth #6: In lieu of focusing on the truth of the matter, people tend to choose to listen to gossip and spreading the rumor – all for the sake of entertainment. I don’t enjoy in such trifle conversations. Theatrical dramatics are one thing; spreading falsehood against another person is completely another matter.
I was 10 years old when my mother taught me never to speak to her about deceitful things. I also learned from this incident that it didn’t matter what came out of my mouth.
The story that began the stifled relationship with my mother:
It was a week before school break ended. We were preparing our bags with new notebooks and textbooks. In the midst of our busy tasks, my father walked by the study and let out a nasty pungent flatulence. I didn’t think much of it until my mother raised her voice and demanded who farted. My sister and I laughed at the uttered word. My mother joined in the laughter but composed herself, “I’m being serious. Who farted?” in a piqued tone. My sister and I had not done so. We told our mother several times. For whatever reason she had in her mind, she made it clear to us that someone was telling a lie. I informed my mother that it could have been my father. She stormed out of the study only to find an empty hallway. She was infuriated, “I know someone in this room is lying about farting. I want to know who did it and apologize immediately. Either one of you had done it; because I know it wasn’t me.” My sister and I looked at each other in bafflement. What in tarnation would drive our mother to think that we would lie about something like farting? The act of flatulence is amusing. If one of us had done it, we would be rolling on the floor laughing. It didn’t seem funny anymore. I grew impatient and frustrated because I couldn’t finish preparing my bag with our mother egging us to confess for something neither one of us had done. I growled, “Okay! It was me! Are you happy now?” Whether or not my answer was satisfying, I angered my mother to violence. She dragged my ears into her bedroom and whipped me senseless with the feather duster. The lecture was a blur of angry fits of rage about lying. I cried and winced. All I could remember thinking to cope with the pain, “Dad was the one who farted. You didn’t believe the truth.” When my father returned home, he didn’t expect me to be cowering in a fetal position at the middle of his bedroom floor since it was off limits to us, children. When I told him what happened, he excused me from the room and closed their bedroom door after dragging my mother in. There was a lot of screaming and shouting between them. Few hours later, my mother left the room bruised up in the face, sneered at me, “You see what you did? You did this.” I sat still at the corner of my bed almost in tears. I was not only traumatized, but dumbfounded at what transpired. In my mind, I told my mother the truth the first time. When I took the courage to admit to something I had not done, my mother punished me senselessly. My ear was still bleeding from when she dug her nails into it in order to drag me to their bedroom. If she had believed the truth in the first place, none of this would have happened.
Despite the fact of this incident, I have always told my mother the truth and the reality of my decisions. There are some things not worth mentioning to her.
It was in Primary 6 (Grade 5) when my teacher accused me of cheating in class. It was not something I do because of the environment I lived in under the roof of my parents. Our teacher was strict, but she had an understanding heart. Since she couldn’t prove my innocence, she had no choice but to punish me as an example. Everyone in class was morbidly shocked that I took the fall for someone who refused to confess their guilt. I took the whipping without whimpering. I did cry due to the pain. I was not able to write so, my best friend had to make photocopies of her notes.
Even as an adult, I have found there are people who would find my kindness as a weakness. I had a soon-to-be Staff Sergeant accused me of cheating on my time schedule. She allowed our team to take 15-minute breaks while in the office. I decided to take my break by playing a pre-installed computer game instead of eating at my desk. My colleague told me that my 15-minute break was up. About this time, the “buck” sergeant walked in believing that I was idling from work and immediately reported my actions to their superior. Unexpectedly, this “buck” sergeant had the audacity to ask me how my sex life at home was doing. My interview with their superior did not end well for her. Even though my Section 15 was filed, the affidavit of waiver didn’t make a difference. The “buck” Sergeant still earned their stripes and continued to belittle my work ethics.
I may be naïve most of the time, but I’m not a fool. If something doesn’t make sense, I find ways to break down the fallacy of the system. I will never cheat my way through it. I had been loyal for 7 years within my first marriage. To this day, they still wonder if I lied about infidelity within the marriage. I was busy with work, studying for my Bachelor’s Degree, attending to our daughter’s needs and the household obligations as a mother and a wife. Most women will wonder how I was still able to keep a clean and neat house with my busy schedule. It was tiring. I was fatigued beyond recognition. Dramatic as it may sound, I did not have time for myself let alone spend time with another fling to satiate my busy motherhood. I was too tired to do much of anything. I was literally tired of the antics. My life at home affected my life at work. I had lost several jobs. My friends and colleagues were worried about me. I was a wraith in waiting to expire. I made every effort to save the failing yet abuse marriage. Through it all, I walked through my adversity with courage and hope. My best friend assured my child’s safety. He made a promise my child will walk with me stronger than I ever was. It was in this faith of trusting others who love me unconditionally that I am able to continue my walk in Christ. I am Christ’s living gospel.
Even though my life was not as traumatic as Dave Pelzer’s, there are living gospels of people like us in this world. I have watched several TEDTalk sessions from people of different lifestyles, age group, ethnicity, and spirituality sharing their testimony of hope, encouragement, aspirations and faith. It is obvious to me that God is working in each of these people’s lives; whether they realize it or not – we are all connected. Whether you choose to feel inspired; encouraged or not, that is your own prerogative.

It truly is pointless beating a dead horse. This blog is not here to make accusations. It is a statement to point out the obvious that I am more than the fabrications floating around in public. I’ve come this far in my journey now; not to give up and go back to the way things were. Life moves forward; so should I. The only thing you can entrust with me is my integrity. This innate quality has never wavered from my soul. It is my belief is why people tend to want to befriend me. I can live with this truth – whether I like it or not. My grandfather didn’t name me, “Beautiful Peace” without reason.
I have also found that in my years of self-discovery, that not many people enjoy hearing the truth. It may be the other reason why everyone forced me to be silent throughout my childhood.

So, here’s the Catch 22 for those wondering why I bothered writing this blog:
I received a card from my mother that got my mind frazzled forever and a decade. I have always loved my mother. I never stopped loving her. I have written numerous letters to her; expressing my concerns, aspirations and appreciation. Yet; to this day, our relationship has gotten stale as the penicillin on cephalosporin. I have been in therapy and mentorship since I was 14. It came to a point in my life they told me to grieve my relationship with my mother – for the sake of my daughter and my sanity.

I have understood that my mother wanted me to compensate her for the tribulations and suffering I have caused her. She had used my letters against me countless times and denied my heritage to her namesake more times than I can count.
This experience with my mother has humbled me greatly. My daughter aspires to become like me. Much to my surprise, she exemplifies the qualities I have displayed when I was healing from this hurtful relationship. I told my daughter many times, that no matter how much my mother hurts me, I still love her.

My daughter confessed to me that she was mad when I left her in her father’s care during the separation. She felt I abandoned her. I acknowledged her grievances. I told her that processing the divorce was the hardest decision of my life. It was necessary – for our safety. The most amazing thing my daughter ever said to me, “Mom, you’re an amazing person. You are such a positive mother – much more positive than I am. I am glad you did not turn out like your mom. You’re not “stupid” like she says you are.” As amazing as this statement sounds, I have grown cautious of compliments. I have my reasons of doubts. I still appreciate praise and encouragements given to me. It is still a challenge for me to grow and accept positivity in my life. Forgive me if I don’t express my appreciation on the spot.

Where do I go from here? Do I continue my journey in grieving an irreparable relationship? Should I give my mother another chance after countless trials and errors concluding to the same irreconcilable differences? I wouldn’t be surprised if a Nelson Muntz guffawed towards my efforts with a jeer, “Stop hitting yourself,” my way.

So here is the question for my mother: What if I’m “stupid”? It’s just a demeaning word to insult someone you deem inferior. Yet, here you are arguing with an irrefutable “stupid” person. Who is the bigger fool now? You may believe this is a disrespectful gesture; however, let’s be honest here. When was there a time I have ever uttered an insult directly at you? I may have grown up watching many American movies portraying teenagers calling their parents with vulgarity and lackluster attitude, but I never aspired to be like them. It’s disgusting and appalling. The mere fact that you truly believe that I have ever displayed this kind of behavior is startling.

If you wish me to live a positive life, why haven’t you asked sincerely how I’m doing? Is starting a normal adult conversation overwhelming for you to begin with me? What is your motive for sending me countless Bible verses, Religious sermons and Parenting articles without plausible reason?

In all honestly, I would love to have a good relationship with you where we can sit and talk with just about anything. Lately, the strings of letters and conversations are just about how I should be living my life and how I should be submissive to you. I have done what you have requested. Whether or not you feel satisfied has nothing to do with how I currently live my life as a Christian. My faith in God should never measure up to your satisfaction as a parent.

Just because your belief isn’t aligned with my faith, it doesn’t mean I’m a heathen. God came before me. In God, I dedicated my life to Christ. In Christ, I live according to God’s will. In my life, I walk with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness and self-control. It sure took me a long time to get to where I am now, but God isn’t finished with me yet. I’m still learning and growing. If you can’t see that, then I feel sorry for you. Many have already come to me and expressed their glory to God for my existence. If I am a blessing to others, what am I doing wrong for not being a blessing to you in return?

When your mind wanders

Have you ever come to a point in your life where you feel the most downcasted? It's as if the world stopped caring about not only you but everything else on the planet?

Then your mind starts to wander where the point of your life is going? These internal arguments happen every single day especially when I'm asleep. I'm not depressed when it comes to my life and relationship with God. My heart bleeds for those who are powerless to "speak" for themselves. The treees, the animals, the young, the widows and the need. I barely have the resources to help but I do try my best to help with what I have. Even when I have given my best and my all, most of them, are not the very least humble or grateful.

This is where my depression starts to spiral with the 'what if's and 'wherefore's. It is really difficult for me to grasp that people of different environments of the least could have the worst demeanor as those with the most. I learned that this behavior is only prevalent in countries governed by the most ruthless and heartless leaders. I don't have a degree in psychology but the psyche of being indifferent is there.

I've been indifferent before. I get the part where you see yourself battling the odds of investing your time and efforts against those obstacles. Yet, in the madness of it all, the efforts outweigh the outcome. At some point, it's futile to continue. The part where it becomes overwhelming, how do people still choose to use the same demeanor when it never worked in the first place?

Is it pride? How much dignity does one attain by being cynical or maniacal towards another living or sentient being?

I know for certain that religion does not and never has resolved any issues. It chooses to divide and separate the masses than unite and connect with love and grace. God knows, that the most pious and fervent servant has little to no charity towards those who are in need. That was why prophets were sent. Despite it all, God sent their one and only Son; only to be beaten, insulted, degraded and killed.

Just imagine: the parable of the prodigal son. Christ is the eldest child. You are the youngest child. After all your insolence, Elohim welcomes you home.

Sadly, not many humans are capable of giving grace. I am aware of my humanity. Society and religious leaders have conditioned us to think we are not equal nor righteous enough to receive the best things in life, in which Elohim gifted us. Christ came for a reason to free us by showing us the truth. Unfortunately, some failed to share the simple truth; while others distorted Christ's teachings to gain the glory for themselves.

As James, son of Alphaeus wrote, "Do not err, my beloved brethren. Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and [comes] down from [Avi HaMe'orot], with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning. Wherefore lay apart all filthiness and superfluity of naughtiness, and receive with meekness the engrafted word, which is able to save your souls. But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves. If any man among you seem to be religious, and bridleth not [their] tongue, but deceiveth their own heart, this man's religion is vain. What does it profit, my brethren, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can faith save him? If a brother or sister is naked and destitute of daily food, and one of you says to them, "Depart in peace, be warmed and filled," but you do not give them the things which are needed for the body, what does it profit? Thus also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead." (James 1: 16, 17, 19, 22, 26 and James 2: 14 - 17)

As I have mentioned from my earlier year blog posts, I'm not here to convert you to Christianity. I am here as your sister, mentor, friend and confidant. I want you to know that I live by example. As God's Gentile child, I will respect you as you are. My merit of faith is not my country's religion but in El Yisrael. Not many Christian brethren share my relationship with Elohim Avinu. El Shaddai comes to us in different ways - more so in normal every day activities than you are aware of.

Even if you feel like I'm preaching, stop me. I will understand. It's not going to hurt my feelings. If you need help, just know that I'll be there without question. I may still wonder about your intentions and/or motives. Nevertheless, my service is available to you when you need it the most.

Let's be honest. There's so much hate in the world already. It's not my sole purpose to make it even harder for you. It is my God given gift to be there for you and to bless you with the gifts they have given me. After all, sharing (love, joy and peace) is caring.