As a Christian, I would answer, "God is in control." In reality, I am screaming my head off. While rifling through my head space for an answer, the stillness of my sanity unfolds all of my life's accomplishments and experiences. So while you see the calmness expression on my face, I'm facing the most challenging moment finding the best solution for the circumstance at hand.
My true answer would be, "I don't know if this solution is going to work, but I'm going to give it a try."
The whole point of my story is to let others understand that I am human as everybody else on this planet.
I grew up in a domestic violent home. Violence was all I knew. I was violent. I was compelled to change my behavior. Finding a Christian community that is open and willing to questions and concerns were very few and far in between.
I have not stepped foot in a church for over 20 years. I was abused by every single church members I grew up with. That was not God's intent. I've read the Bible so many times. Jesus spoke about love and the purpose of the tenents in the Torah.
The Torah was given to the Israelites as a Covenant to complete the promise God gave Abraham.
God's intent was not to oppress the children of Israel. God wants the children of Israel to worship Him. Worship without justice is self-serving. Justice without worship is self-destructive. If we don't pay attention to the social injustices in the world and take action to stop them, then what is the purpose of your Christian relationship with God? Are you being honest with your faith?
Remembering God's mercy for saving them from Egypt's oppression began the tradition of rituals to offer sacrifices for forgiveness. The promised Messiah was the ultimate sacrifice to forgive all sins of the world. All you have to do is believe that the promised Messiah is your living sacrifice to be forgiven and redeemed into God's kingdom.
Professing this testimony is a personal journey. No one should ever make you feel less than you already feel. That doesn't mean you are justified to be an asshole to everyone else.
It was written, "If you want to be great in God's kingdom, be the servant of all."
I didn't understand that verse until I became a parent. I became a supportive guide to my child since the day they were born. They taught me a lot about patience. Since I was vulnerable to violence, I had to find other ways to expend my anger.
It took me 12 years to get over my divorce. Within those 12 years I found forgiveness and grace towards the former spouse. I'm honestly grateful for their (the former spouse) honesty and maturity regarding the new relationship I have with @oddscribe. It has helped our child get into a healthy relationship with others. My child has a lot more to learn.
When I realize that I accepted and acknowledged my past mistakes, my spiritual life has changed for the better. It is riveting to learn that God is beyond male and female. To say that humans are only male and female, you're leaving out the mutations of other people in retrospect.
The Covenant made between Adam and Eve were sanctified by God to show the children of Israel that love abounds between the couple who love each other wholeheartedly. Before Eve, there was Lilith, whom Adam lusted over and wanted to control. Lilith flew away from Adam. I would fly away too.
Love does not control or bring judgment into the relationship. Doesn't matter who your relationship is with. If you cannot perceive the other as your equal, do not expect them to stay in the relationship with you. Respect goes a long way. If your preconceived notion is not allowing you to respect the other person, you should never claim to be God's child.
Sexualizing children is the gravest of all sins in comparison to the seven deadly sins. It is disconcerting that there are parents out there who will use their power to do the most heinous thing to their own children. Your child is not property. You don't own them. They don't owe you anything either.
Your children are God's gift. They have a soul. They have feelings. They learn what they see and hear. Even then, many experiences of positive and negative receptors acknowledged by these children, will define who they become as adults.
I am aware that not all denominations accept each other's differences and opinions. The fact that angers me the most about other Christians, is their hypocrisy.
How can they say that they love God, but cannot love their neighbors or enemies? That makes no sense to me. I am aware it's not a logical fallacy. This is an emotional detriment.
I overheard this elderly lady told a child of Muslim parents at the Children's hospital, "I feel sorry for you that you're going to hell." I was mortified.
After that elderly lady left, I told the parents that not all Christians are like that. I told them that their child isn't going to hell. Since we both believe in the same God, I prayed that their child will heal and feel better soon.
They asked why I believe their God is the same as their God. I asked in kind, "Isn't your Allah, the God of Abraham?" They looked at each other and nodded, "Yes; but how did you know?" I told them I grew up in Brunei. It was required of me to study the history of Prophet Mohammed; in which I uttered the 5 pillars of Islam, "La ilaha illallah, Muhammadur rasulullah." Muslims must give salat, zakat, as well as perform sawm and hajj. Their approval was enough for them to forget what the elderly lady had said.
I understand that my spiritual journey is a lonely path. The amazing thing is, I was led to join a Torah study with Temple Beth-Or in 2018. A Jewish community who accepted me for who I am. A decade prior, I was introduced to Pastor Steve Weins. Then a year and 4 months ago (from today), I was introduced to Pastor David Hayward, who is also known as @nakedpastor, who pursued his passion in art. I've learned to love myself better from these newfound experiences.
When I began to listen more to my body, listen to my spiritual guidance, and become more mindful of others around me, I become so much happier. It's a joy of being free from judgment. I am comfortable surfing the chaos of mystery and wonder.
Unfortunately, I was not able to reconcile my relationship with my mother. Even though I love my mother dearly, I continue to struggle with the thought of her. I've been praying and hoping that she will find her inner peace and reconcile the loss of my father as she continues living her life.
I am aware that I feel accountable to myself. When I am honest with my feelings, I begin to learn and understand what it takes to emulate self-control.
Forgiveness is more than forgetting the past. It is accepting and acknowledging the hurt, the trauma and the burden it tolls on your body, soul, and mind. Forgiveness doesn't come easy for me when others have taken advantage of my kindness and vulnerability. It triggers my past trauma. I know in my mind that the perpetrators are not my past abusers. I am aware that their actions have triggered the past trauma back into my path. It takes me more than a year or longer to get past those traumatic experiences.
Quoting clichés like, "Just forgive and forget. It's nothing," or "Get over it," doesn't help me. The reality is, they hurt me. Even if it was unintentional, telling me to get over the hurt only reopens the wound and mentally pouring a million ton of salt into it. They have literally invalidated my feelings. 25 years of abuse from a Christian community doesn't go away in a day. Don't fucking do this shit to me. I can turn you into a pariah for the rest of your natural life. I don't need to cater to anyone's low self-destructive attitude.
I learned that I am allowed to cut negative people off from my life. I don't have to keep an abusive relationship to the end of my natural life. I've watched my mother live in it. I've seen what it has done to her. I saw how it affected my father. I don't want that in my life. Neither does God.
God wants all of the children of Israel, whether they are aware or not, that they were meant to live for so much more than rituals, laws and traditions. God, Ehyeh the father, as El Shaddai is also Elohim, Emmanuel and El Roi.
My new anthem now is "If we're honest," by Music Artist, Francesca Battistelli. I understand that my brazen attitude towards Christians are appalling. However, I'm not doing it out of malice. My feelings are in the same expression Jesus stated in Matthew 23:37, "O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, thou that killest the prophets, and stonest them which are sent unto thee, how often would I have gathered thy children together, even as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings, and ye would not!"
Even though I am alone in my spiritual journey, I know I am in God's hand. God will never leave my side. I hope to God that I will never experience what the prodigal son went through. I want to be in Jeremiah's shoes. Yes, I am aware he died a young prophet, but God was always by his side. God was angry for many good reasons, yet the stories tell us that God is loving and merciful.
All these stories in the Bible show the resilience of human beings and their trust in God brings about miracles. Because of it, I believe that God loves me and is present in my life. I am not afraid anymore about my future.
Just as I love my child, so does God love me. I was angry when my child lied to the Social worker that I had not made their lunch, but I then realized that they missed my cooking. The social worker didn't see it that way. The social worker believed that I had refused to make lunch for them. I had to explain the situation how my child came to believe why their lunch needed to be thrown away. They didn't enjoy making peanut butter and jelly. It was boring. They had used up all their allowance to buy food from the cafeteria. They demanded the lunch lady to give them food.
It's not so much their actions made me angry. Amusing as it was, telling a lie that I never gave them food was outright ungrateful and disrespectful.
I may not like confronting uncomfortable situations, but I am not afraid to speak my mind. I know where I stand in my morals, my culture (Filipino Chinese) and my faith. My greatest fear is that my past trauma will come to catch up with me and break me.
Nevertheless, I continue to depend on God's word however it may manifest in my life. That's all God ever wants from us - to have an honest and open relationship with Him and others.
