Exonerated Freedom

I would be lying if I told someone that I do not believe in God. What matters most is how I live my life and how I treat others. Whether or not you believe my story, is up to your interpretation.

I am a Sangley. I was raised in a Filipino Christian household that was built on a generational system of enmeshment, patterns of abuse, such as manipulation, gaslighting, emotional neglect, and parental control. I was unaware of its existence until I started therapy in 2012.

Every past experience became an anecdote of precautionary tales. There are seasons when melancholy reverberates in my body. I am grateful to have medical support from the Veterans Affairs and other medical programs that allow me to practice health and wellness for my type of lifestyle. 

In my Bible study, whether alone or with other believers, I have come to understand what I need to change in my life and how to live it according to God's will. I cannot tell you what God's will is for you, since that is after all between you and God. In the case of not believing in God, not to worry — I got you covered.

I was raised to only love those who are just like me — Filipino Christian and rich. Much to my surprise, most Filipino Christians are hedonistic. Between 2010 and 2018, about 2% of the population identify as Christian in China. 78.8% of Filipinos in the Philippine Republic were reported Roman Catholic in 2020 census whereas 9.1% of the Malaysian population identified themselves as Christians while Christians in Singapore constitute 19% of the country's resident population. About 8.7% of the population in Brunei identify as Christian as of 2022. In my lifetime visiting these countries, 1 out of 5 Christians I met were followers of Christ, Jesus (Yehoshua ben Yosef).

In Jesus' sermon on the Mount Beatitudes, he stated, "You will know [my followers] by their fruits (Matthew 7:16-20)," which I find many Christians seem to ignore very often. King Solomon wrote in his Ketuvim, "Death and life are in the power of the tongue; Those who love it will eat its fruit (Proverbs 18:21)."

If I were to start my life all over again, this is how I would continue living:

• I would speak kindly of myself and others in a way that is respectful and honest. In the midst of conflict, I would inquire without passing judgment and assess the situation based on what is true and righteous. I would seek justice with empathy but not give access to continue toxic behaviors that violate one's boundaries.
• When it comes to children, I would listen and give ear to their heart's desires according to what is good and righteous. I would show them the respect they deserve — so that they may take to heart the lesson they learn. As they get older, they could live it throughout the rest of their life.
• I would offer truth to those who seek it genuinely. I will protect those who are persecuted, abandoned, forsaken, and oppressed. I will aide others who are in need according to my abilities. I will only offer my wisdom when it is needed. 
• I am willing to forgive those who trespass against me. I will offer my grievances honestly and respectfully. My hopes that I would be forgiven in the same manner. If not, I hope the current state of my demeanor is enough to compensate for the ill-doings of my past.

I believe God created me for a reason. Even though I was converted to Christianity out of ill-will, God saved me from it all — domestic violence and child abuse. God never planned for that situation to happen to me, but I can tell you that it could have been much worse if God had not intervened. 

When I became a born-again Christian, I learned every lesson with a lot of pain and suffering. It wasn't fun, but God was there with me throughout the whole process. The reason why my internet handle was created as "LAvenus79: The Reluctant Artist" in 1993, was because my gift of discernment was prevalent before I could understand what it was. 

I had a dream when I was 12 years old that I was flying over desert mountains. The mountains were red in color. I was called to protect the citizens from attack. I woke up to the sound of the clock alarm. During one of my therapy exercises when I was in my late 30s, a childhood memory I had resurfaced. Both times when consulting several astrologists for these memories resurfacing, stated that my birth chart involved the planet Venus and that I have a blue aura respectively. The times I was called, "demonic possessed heathen," became a moot issue because of what planet Venus signifies. In Hebrew, Venus is called, Nogah, which was associated with the female Babylonian goddess, Ishtar (Esther), and this is the source of the English name ‘star.’ Later, Ishtar became the Greek Aphrodite and the Roman Venus. There were several sources on the internet that lets you test what type of woman of the Bible you are. Sure enough, Esther showed up as my Biblical character. I know God said not to use mediums to seek out answers (Leviticus 19), but I was curious. Yet, God indulged me because I was drowning in tears of depression why these painful memories kept surfacing.

The few fond moments I had with my parents will be treasured forever in my heart. I wish they had the wisdom of Randy Alcorn, who stated in his blog, "The gift of discernment as described in 1 Corinthians 12:10 is having the ability to distinguish between spirits." When I was called a demonic possess heathen, I was utterly confused because why would a demon attack their own horde? I wouldn't know the answer since I've only ever dealt with one demon. It was emotionally taxing and scary at the same time. I was only 14 or 15 years old at the time. I've suffered sleep paralysis for only a few months at a time when I was in my late 30s and early 40s.

For the longest time I thought that I was an INFP: the Mediator. When I read that INFPs have a talent for self-expression, I knew something was off. When I took the test again, it turned out that I was a turbulent ENTJ: the Commander. Turbulent Commanders are more likely to feel pessimistic following a setback, and this can affect their decision-making process. It explains why I kept returning to suicidal ideation for most of my 25 years (1986 - 2011) with my mother. Around May and June is when those painful memories return, but the suicidal ideation isn't as tempting as it used to. 

Ever since I began Torah study with a Jewish community in 2018, my understanding of the passages in the Tanakh and the Gospels were right as rain. I can't say that I know everything there is to know because I never lived during the first century in Judea. The beauty of the struggle is, God will reveal truth in our hearts when we seek his wisdom earnestly. 

Love isn't just an encompassing feeling of emotion, but a state of being. Love makes human behave in ways that cannot be described simply with words. If I want to truly be free, I have to understand what love is on a deeper level than just my gut feeling. 

I want to love people not only with my thoughts, but with my heart and soul. I have to learn how to love myself first. I could recommend a number of people who helped me throughout my healing journey, but there are too many to list! I'll list the best ones:

• This Good Word with Steve Wiens: Reclaiming what's holy about our humanity
• The Naked Journal: Thoughts, musings, and meanings behind NakedPastor art
• Holy Hot Mom: Angela Shelton's 20+ years of healing trauma
• The Mentor Show: Healing Days
• One for Israel: Passover, the Feast of Freedom
• The Big Flop!: Misha Brown's podcast to unpack history’s most fascinating flops, frauds, and fiascos. He also wrote the book, "Be Your Own Bestie: A No-Nonsense Guide to Changing the Way You Treat Yourself"
• She Recovers® Foundation: Dr. Dawn Nickel and Taryn Strong who created a global grassroots movement in women's recovery

It's not selfish to love yourself. If you don't care about yourself, you cannot expect others to love you. Only you can be you. No one can be you and neither can anyone love you the way you want to be loved. Your personality will affect how and where you use your [spiritual] gifts and abilities. When you are forced to love another person in a way they want to be loved, it creates tension, discomfort, extra effort and energy, and produces choleric conduct between all parties.

How do we learn to love ourselves? As a Christian, it's an enigmatic thought process since the sages of organized religion focuses on serving others rather than oneself. According to Lori Windfelt, there are 8 ways to having a positive attitude about yourself.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=um3sUHV2H-E&t=1580s

During my cognitive behavioral therapy with the VA, moving your body, soul, and mind can heal all the pain that's bothering you. Depending on your passion, you can walk with your pet, dance with a friend, take yoga or martial art classes, or go to the gym with a trusted partner. If you're not the type who writes their feelings down, there are resources on how to find the best therapist in your area. I'm an artist who uses words and pictures to express my feelings — whether it be in painting, needlecraft, sculpting, photography, blog, or poem. It's been forever since I volunteered at a non-profit organization. I currently sit in front of the computer to donate to the cause rather than rally in venues. Ever since I caught COVID-19, my body gets extra winded after a 5 mile walk.

Aromatherapy wasn't a big thing for me when I was growing up because I was raised to believe it was witchcraft. Isn't soap to wash yourself considered witchcraft too? Since there are soaps that relieve eczema and hives flare-ups. I ended up buying a book on herbology to understand what plant benefits a particular ailment. I haven't had any recent eczema or hives flare-ups, but I do have a bottle of Aveeno lotion to alleviate the pain and dryness. I am currently drinking beet juice mixed with celery, turmeric, and carrot to help my liver stay healthy. I am at risk of having nonalcoholic steatohepatitis, but not hepatic encephalopathy.

Recently, I was recommended recreational therapy by my cardiologist since my hypertension was increasing rather than decreasing. It included activities like listening to music, somatic therapy, outdoor recreation, and creative arts.

I am overwhelmed by all of this information. I was never taught any of this. To find that the world has these valuable resources, it makes me wonder how many Christians are missing the mark. That is not for me to judge since I was isolated and oppressed for 25 years.

Resting is the most important part of being human — after all, God rested on the Sabbath. According to Sean Blanda, "People who embark upon sabbaticals typically have to figure out how to best use their time on their own." My kind of rest is going outside and immersing myself with nature. For my introvert relatives, I'm sorry if I ever imposed this type of activity onto you. I know now that I must go forth on my own adventure — maybe befriend a crow or a raven along the way.

When Christians think of mediation, their first perception immediately goes to Buddhist repetitive chants or demonic drones of Latin incantation with the devil (a fictional character created by the Roman Catholic priest). Jesus of Nazareth mediated on the Torah every day during his ministry. In every Gospel passage you will find that he sequestered himself alone or sometimes with Matthew or John when he needs them to write things down. King David wrote a whole epic (Psalms 119) on how he meditates on God's precepts, which King Solomon (Proverbs 4) and every other prophet emphasize to Israel and believers alike (Joshua 1; Romans 12; Colossians 3).

In Jewish tradition, reading and studying the Torah is essential to the Jewish way of living. Whether or not a Jew realizes how often God intervenes in their life, the concept of practicing self-love and loving kindness is prevalent in their lifestyle. Apart from Zionists, Jews struggle to understand the Torah's message since there are 26 mitzvots that only apply in the land of Israel. Rabbis such as Rambam, Jonathan Sacks, and Chaim Richman to name a few, have taught Torah in a profound way where every Jew must examine themselves before God and mankind. I would like to think that a Christian such as myself, should also uphold such characteristics — not only to free myself from the tyranny of darkness, but to also help fellow citizens from it too. 

Darkness is not only the absence of light but a concept in which the soul cannot outshine without having a connection to God or possessing other sources of light, such as fire. Darkness cannot consume God because God is light and love. The plants were the first living things to experience God's light and love. I've always spoken to plants, but I never told anyone else because my mother thought I was being ostentatious when she caught me talking to one of her trees in the garden. 

Since I recently discovered that I am an Esther, the light that shines in the darkness, one could only fathom my purpose here on earth. When the scriptures point out that love believes in all things and endures all things, let me be the first to say that I am becoming love restored.

If I can demonstrate love in a way you've never experienced before, than I shall praise the God of the Universe for freeing me in a way I never expected to be freed from - the cosmic void of eternal darkness - or what Christians call, "eternal death and damnation (not hell)."