Receiving Grace

I re-read The Parable of the Prodigal Son from Luke 15:11-32 today. I remember reading this parable 3 decades ago at Sunday School. At that time, I didn't understand why the father didn't get upset like his eldest son was when the prodigal son returned. Nobody explained it to me until I listened to Pastor Wiens' sermon, This Good Word: Grace (Episode 7).

I remember a time when I was trying my hardest to make a sale knocking on people's doors while on my Medical Walking Cast. Several patrons have pitied me while others scolded me for not staying home in getting better. Even though I made 1 sale that day, I was determined to finish with 4 more. Unfortunately, my foot had swollen so badly, I could not feel my toes anymore. I gave a big sigh and called my boss to call it in. After I made my report, I looked at the map and found myself having to walk back several miles to the starting point where I was dropped off. I prayed silently as I slowly limped towards the street. Just when my foot was about to give out, the lady I spoke to previously that afternoon, had come to pick up her mail from her mailbox. 

I excused myself for bothering her and asked if she could spare me some pain killers. She asked what had happened since I was fine since the morning I had last spoken to her. I explained to her plainly that my foot had swollen and the pain had then shot up to my thigh. She not only came back with aspirin, but with water and a foot binder. I was speechless. She apologized to me for the earlier encounter and that she felt bad at how her spouse had treated me. I told her not to worry about it. She insisted; I accepted gratefully. I don't know about you, but that boosted my spirits to finish my walk back to the meeting point.

I do not remember if I had thanked her wholesomely. I do remember thanking her for her kindness. 

In a sense to what I'm trying to say is, I never realized this is what Grace is like. Just a gesture of giving wholesomely for the sake of others' beatitude. I never realized I was short-coming myself in accepting Grace as it is. Pastor Wiens is right. I should say, "Thank you," more often when given it freely. I had been so used to astucious gestures throughout my adolescent life, it's difficult to recognize Grace on the spot.

I've given so much of my time, effort and resources not realizing I was exercising Grace myself. Grace is definitely a wonderful gift to give someone. It makes me wholesome.

Thank you, Mom 

Here's why I thank you:

1/27/2006 you wrote:

"My dear Lei Anne,

As your Mother, I accept you as you are: pimples, warts, eye bags and everything. I accept your husband and children and all the baggages that come with it. I accept your weaknesses. You are wonderfully made... all of us love you.

You said, you are happy where you are, so be it... and we will continue to pray for you. As you are a wife to Chris, the Lord will bless you, and we give you our blessings, too."

Thank you for only noticing my weaknesses and blemishes for God made them my strength and beauty. Thank you for allowing me to see where you stand in God's Grace. You will be blessed in God's kingdom, filled with comfort; where you will rejoice and be exceedingly glad (Matthew 5: 3, 4, 6; 12).

Thank you for inspiring me to work hard towards God's will and Jesus' teachings. I abound in truth and wisdom. Most of all, thank you for being my mother. 

Agape always, Lei Anne

Restoring my soul

I've been listening to Pastor Steve Wiens since April 16, 2014. Funny how that date is significant to the time when I made a decision to commit my life to Christ as a Born-Again Christian in 1995.

I don't remember how I stumbled upon his blog posts: The Actual Pastor, however I do remember a point in my life where I was struggling to belong to my family. It was 4 years after my father passed away. My sisters lamented at his absence while my mother wallowed in her devastation of loneliness. She had stated her grievances of how I have shamed the family. Her emotional torment depressed me so much.

I was looking for something to cheer me up that day. I figured I might as well Google something cheerful. It must have been the blog entitled, "The Difficulty of Just Being Yourself" that may have drawn me to follow Pastor Steve Wiens. Needless to say, his journal caught my attention.

He now has a podcast: This Good Word, which I finally had a chance to listen to recently. His sermons have genuine experiences as a Christian living in God's grace. I haven't heard such a message so forthright since my last association with a Christian church in Malaysia. His messages are solely based on reclaiming what’s holy about our humanity. 

I am so grateful to God for sending Pastor Steve Wiens in my life. I know I haven't been consistent in listening to and reading on Pastor Wiens' work in the last 3 years. I was so distracted then. Needless to say, I am truly dedicated in doing so now. Especially after attending StepUp Ministry's Life Skills Classes, I am becoming more focused on the things I should be doing.

Even after speaking to Chaplain Blake, who is sponsored and referred by the wonderful Veteran's Affairs, has made it clearly obvious that I was denying myself mental inner peace. You have to understand - I only have one mother. If my sisters are having a difficult time losing our father, how much more our mother? Once she's gone, I'm 'Scott-free'. That's the sad truth.

The only way for me to honor my mother is to remember the sensible things she taught me. Respect is as important as Love. This is why I adore the wonderful people and Earthly things, God has blessed me with. I am aware that the Earthly things get left behind when I'm gone. Yet, there is so much sentimental value from them. 

I love my parents. They provided me the basic needs. That's all well and good; but to have them treat me the way they did, how does a child learn to respect people of those nature? The very people whom, my parents warn me about: those who lie, cheat and steal? Yet here I stand: longing to be loved and accepted for who I am. It was only on my father's death bed, that he asked for forgiveness. What took him so long? His absence has not affected me as much because he had abandoned me when I needed him the most during my childhood.

What can I say about my mother? She has been through hell and far much worse. Her tenacity was what got me where I am today. Unfortunately, for 31 years trying so hard to appease to my mother's expectations, I have become the biggest failure. 

I'm tired. My daughter is almost a young independent adult. I don't need this stress. I'm done with this torment. I've done everything with all my strength, my time and energy to make my mother love me just as I am to no avail. To be cast down on my 37th birthday, "I wish you were never born" from a voicemail she had left on my phone which, inevitably broke my soul. I denied it. She couldn't have meant that. I listened to it several times before my beloved friend, Sophie; including my husband who, told me to delete the message.

I want to focus on my successes. I have achieved so much, you wouldn't even believe I have accomplished them at all. It is true: "Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.(Matthew 5:16)" Everyone I have met on the streets or public events, have given me the same compliment, "Your parents must have been proud of you." I almost always gave a weak smile. I have always felt this: "They never were proud of me." My parents have never uttered, "You've done well; we're proud of you," to me personally when I was under their care. I've always heard it from other people; including my sisters.

I am grateful that I am blessed with a very intelligent daughter, a very patient husband and a very forgiving co-parent. My life is blessed. That's as much honor I can make due for my mother. I have never sought out to narcotics, debauchery, or criminal activities. I don't have to prove to her that I am a good person by nature. I've taken all kinds of tests. They have all proven I'm chaotic. What artist do you know who isn't?

I am setting a good example to my daughter. It is natural to feel angry, sad and unhinged when bad things happen especially towards others who make you feel worthless. It took me a good 20 years to realize that I can make a choice not to associate with these kinds of people. The less time you spend with these people, the more open, well-rounded and worthy self-esteemed you become.

This is a hard choice I'm making. Accepting the fact that I will no longer want to associate with my own mother is like a slap in the face. As a Filipino Chinese, that's anomalous. I have chosen my words carefully. I am in conflict with myself.

The only way I know how to stay in focus is to look at my daughter. I know I did the right thing. She is the reason why I still live and breathe. As Pastor Steve Wiens always ends his sermon:

"We're Human and Holy;

We're Dust and Breath;

We're Limited and Limitless;

We're in this together"

In Pastor Wiens' sermon, "This Good Word: Run (Episode 6)" he stated that, "It takes courage to allow one's ego to atrophy," a quote from Dr. David Benner's book. I would have to agree. It takes a lot of courage to do the things in which is necessary to be free from pain, anxiousness and trauma. 

It's going to take me a lot of courage to face this conflict. The beauty of this is, I am no longer alone. God has provided the people I need in my life to help me through this painful journey. I know that will no longer be bounded by this burden. My soul will finally be restored.

Grieving during a loss of a relationship

Losing someone is difficult enough on its own merit. Losing a relationship has its own emotional toll especially for an empath like me. Nevertheless, the grieving process is more or less the same.

I've been denying the fact that my relationship with my mother is gone for good. It's been obvious since 2002 that this relationship will never exist in real-time. There's so much pain involved - to a point of detriment to my health and well-being. The truth hurts.

The turning point of my life is to focus on my daughter. I'm glad it has begun its repair. I'm going to keep it that way. I'd rather let my daughter see a strong, determined, independent woman she can rely on than letting her see me wallow in a downward spiral of despair and hopelessness.

My mother has always told me to lead by example. That's what I'm going to continue doing. I am grateful for all the things she taught me. I don't have to depend on anyone for anything else. I've always been taught to think for myself and solve my own problems. I am thankful for my friends to make me realize that it takes courage to ask for help when the problem is bigger than I can handle on my own. Trust me - I've been there alone by myself solving a problem far more than I could ever handle. I was broken. I didn't want to go anywhere or do anything. I just wanted to die then.

I don't think about committing suicide often. The thought comes up every once in a while. Just seeing my daughter gives me hope. Whenever I see her, I know that I did something good. She is the reason why I still live and breathe. I do hope when she's out on her own, that she will be as resilient as I am. I have told her often: "Mistakes happen. Learn from it. Don't do it again. If it happens again, do something else different so it never happens anymore."

I am grateful that my relationship with my daughter is now repaired. I just need to remind myself to maintain that relationship. The divorce hit her harder than it hit me. It took her a long time to recover from that break-up. She's grateful that both her biological parents are sensible and reasonable people. She adores her step-father. She wants to be just like him. God has been so good to my family. I give God all the glory for allowing such a wonderful kindred-ship between my family and my daughter's father.

The last thing I need is a mother to ruin all of it. I love her a lot - not because of the fact that she's my mother; it's because she needs it. She needed it long before I was ever born. Everything else that happened between us doesn't matter anymore. I have long forgiven those grievances. I just want her to know that my love for her is as true as it ever was when she held me in her hands. It hurts me a lot that our current relationship will never ever come to that.

All I ever wanted is for her to accept me for who I am. My only lament is that she needs to stop hurting me. That's not a lot to ask. Since it's been a difficult task for her to stop, I will make it stop. I haven't spoken (initiated a call) to her since June 2016. It's one thing to be upset with a child, but to tell a child: "I wish you have never been born," is damning not only oneself but the child as well.

That emotional turmoil took a heavy toll on me. It was then when I was diagnosed with clinical depression. Something I thought would never happen to me. I have limited my communications with her for a reason since then. As much as I want our relationship to reconcile, there's a part in me that doesn't want it anymore. I'm tired. I've carried this burden for far too long. I'm pretty sure the feeling is mutual.

I'm happy to hear she's doing well in her life. She has even made an honorable mention about me being a wonderful daughter I was on her Facebook post. If you're suspecting that I'm suspicious about the sentiment, it is well justified for a reason.

Needless to say, regardless of where my relationship with my mother will be in the future, I have to finally accept the fact that she will continue to treat me as if I never grew up at all.