I am aware that not a lot of people are experienced in understanding the connotations of Depression; let alone, what it does to the suffering patient.
Someone had asked me once, "Why would you feel depressed if you're a Christian? Maybe because you don't believe in Jesus' miracles?" I had refused to answer them because their first mistake was implying that my depression was due to my lack of faith. Even if I had answered their question, I would have opened up a lot of nonsensical arguments, which would have nothing to do with my suffering from depression.
First of all, depression is not a feeling that I have chosen to encumber myself with. Second of all, Jesus is not some kind of magician, who can just make things disappear whenever one feels that things get too uncomfortable for them.
My irregular visits to the mental health clinic or specialist within a span of over 25 years have given me coping skills to work on. The depression I'm suffering from is not something that can cure itself with medicine alone. I have not been given any medication to prevent episodes of depression. I am not suffering from clinical depression. I am suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
I'm not asking for pity or sympathy; nor am I expecting anyone to understand what I'm going through. If anyone is willing to listen, be patient and have compassion; I will respect them in kind sevenfold.
My PTSD was a pre-existing condition prior to my military enlistment (1991 - 2000). It got worse over time because no one I knew thought to diagnose it then. They assumed I was just a restless adolescent, who had an attitude problem. They preceded to advise me that I would have to "get over it soon" or not at all. As young and naive I was then, I tried everything they came up with. It did not help me get any better.
It wasn't until I met two brilliant men who sought to make my life seem better and brighter. Unfortunately, the first man had become too impatient. Our relationship ended with a bitter divorce and another episode of me suffering severely than before. My best friend tried his best to get me to realize my mistake. I almost lost him too, if I had not given his proposal a second thought.
Even though my first marriage did not work out with a Disney happy ending, both he and I agreed that our daughter was the best moment of our lives. Neither one of us would ever want to circumvent that relationship with our daughter. I'm happy he's living a much happier life with his new spouse as he is with mine.
Regardless of how often I reverberate my frustrations and concerns, people will continue to believe I just enjoy complaining to hear the sound of my voice. In reality, I just need assurance. Assurance that I will be okay. It's not going to be the end of the world. In spite of everything I've been through, I survived. That's all I ever need to hear. Period.
Never ever assume that I have come to lament for the sake of being languid. If I were truly a lazy person, I would not be here today telling my story. Since my youth, I was told that lazy people accomplish nothing to the point of starvation. I love cooking food too much to not want to find that truth out for myself.
Even when I display an indicative aspersion towards someone regardless of how it is expressed, I do get a sense of remorse. I'm not completely oblivious towards my actions and expressions of disgruntlement. Please do catch me off guard when I'm in the moment. I'm not an irrational being. I'm not much for debating; especially when it comes to my character versus my personality. The only time a discussion becomes a heated argument if and when either one of us assume the latter.
With that being said, please know that when I am depressed, you are not the cause. I just get the episodes once in a while. One or more factors may have triggered the moment. When I do ask for help, just listen. Just be there. Don't make it more complicated than I have already made it out to be.
Thank you. I appreciate it. Honestly, I do. Otherwise, I still won't be here.
Sunday, May 29, 2016
Sunday, May 22, 2016
Focusing on my ultimatum
"Issue yourself an ultimatum to change your behavior of accepting poor treatment." ~ Elyn of Life & Therapy
I have a temper of a dragon. There is no doubt that I present myself in a serene manner especially in public. I am still learning to master the finesse of Grace. The same ultimatum God has given to every single one of us.
I am human. That is a fact. To err is not a final destination of failure. The instance of quitting is. I am not a quitter. I was raised to always rise up when I fall and to always do the best I can with what is given to me.
In all relationships, regardless of its futility, I will always find a way to work a solution. Even after I have tried all avenues, in spite of my efforts, I know I did my best. All I can do is move on.
It's easy to get lost and confused in a relationship. Even if it takes one to know one, I always find myself standing alone. I know myself well enough to give any bad relationship to a flying baboon of Oz. As difficult as it was to start from the beginning; especially where I had left off from a bad and unpredictable place, finding the right path takes a lot of effort, time and energy. When it comes to relating with other human beings other than yourself, one will always be prone to disagreements, disputes and the latter of negative experiences. The truth is, I am the sole resource of impacting good or bad experiences of any relationship. Regardless of how much positivity I engage myself with others, I cannot change their bias towards me.
It takes me a lot of effort to plan a first impression. Nothing I do is ever wasted. I treat every thing that comes my way with great import. Since the day I was able to be interdependent, every one I've met along the way has noted that I am too smart for my own good. It's interesting that I have spawned the very same life form from my own. I'm aware some things are not as urgent as they seem, but I have never treated any of my task as if they were never urgent or unimportant.
People need to realize the difference between the reality of a situation and the issue at hand. It's not everyday that someone like me will take note of it. Honestly, whatever method works for me doesn't necessarily work for everybody or anybody else. If and when I have exhausted all avenues to try and fix the problem, it will no longer be my problem but someone else's. The fact of the matter is, when it all comes down to it, I did my best. If someone doesn't like the way I do things - even after I have tried other avenues, it is THEIR problem.
I have a temper of a dragon. There is no doubt that I present myself in a serene manner especially in public. I am still learning to master the finesse of Grace. The same ultimatum God has given to every single one of us.
I am human. That is a fact. To err is not a final destination of failure. The instance of quitting is. I am not a quitter. I was raised to always rise up when I fall and to always do the best I can with what is given to me.
In all relationships, regardless of its futility, I will always find a way to work a solution. Even after I have tried all avenues, in spite of my efforts, I know I did my best. All I can do is move on.
It's easy to get lost and confused in a relationship. Even if it takes one to know one, I always find myself standing alone. I know myself well enough to give any bad relationship to a flying baboon of Oz. As difficult as it was to start from the beginning; especially where I had left off from a bad and unpredictable place, finding the right path takes a lot of effort, time and energy. When it comes to relating with other human beings other than yourself, one will always be prone to disagreements, disputes and the latter of negative experiences. The truth is, I am the sole resource of impacting good or bad experiences of any relationship. Regardless of how much positivity I engage myself with others, I cannot change their bias towards me.
It takes me a lot of effort to plan a first impression. Nothing I do is ever wasted. I treat every thing that comes my way with great import. Since the day I was able to be interdependent, every one I've met along the way has noted that I am too smart for my own good. It's interesting that I have spawned the very same life form from my own. I'm aware some things are not as urgent as they seem, but I have never treated any of my task as if they were never urgent or unimportant.
People need to realize the difference between the reality of a situation and the issue at hand. It's not everyday that someone like me will take note of it. Honestly, whatever method works for me doesn't necessarily work for everybody or anybody else. If and when I have exhausted all avenues to try and fix the problem, it will no longer be my problem but someone else's. The fact of the matter is, when it all comes down to it, I did my best. If someone doesn't like the way I do things - even after I have tried other avenues, it is THEIR problem.
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