I came across a post from an independant artist I follow. It's still a celebration moment for mothers around the world. They were very verbal about how toxic parents should go fuck off and do not deserve this joyous occasion. For the longest time, I too, felt the same way.
I was young. I was full of anger, frustration, and melancholy. Some where deep within, I felt deeply for my parents. I sought to reach out to them no matter how much they continued to be toxic towards me. Just imagine - having to suffer so much emotional pain for 25 years. After awhile, my body reacted to the point of "mental comatose." I would blackout unknowingly. It almost ended my life at a near fatal car accident. Friends were concerned. I learned later on, my body couldn't deal with the pain I was carrying. I began to take steps to help myself.
Even after my father passed, I couldn't grieve in peace. It wasn't until a month ago, my husband helped me relieve the pain. Healing doesn't happen overnight. Ever since I left a toxic relationship despite my reservation becoming a divorcee, I knew I should move forward to living a better life. After my efforts of improving myself, I am still challenged dealing with a toxic parent.
Even after establishing my boundaries, they will continue to try to push it. Even though, they already know they can't penetrate it, they will continue to keep trying. I have mentally separated myself from the lies and manipulation. Eventually, there will be no emotional heartstrings left for them to pull. It's their choice: 1) continue the constraint relationship or 2) not have one at all.
The ultimatum is realizing that this is beyond your control. You cannot make them change. However, you are able to change the circumstance on how you react to their demands and expectations. As a Christian, it's a difficult balance to pull since many sects pull the same toxic axioms. If you truly are the follower of Christ, you would know in your heart that God loves you - just the way you are. In His countenance, you will know in your heart what the right thing is. Believe me, the moment religion is the point of subject, I will not stop until I no longer have listeners. Even then, I'll continue my diatribe whether or not someone is listening.
I'm not here to tell you how to live your life. Sharing my experience is not telling how to do it either. You are the only person who knows who you are. If you're still discovering yourself, all the better. Take your time to know your limits. Know what you can or cannot do.
I have been in therapy since I was 14. I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression at the age of 35. It was the same time I was diagnosed with high blood pressure. When the God of Israel warned His people, "Do not let your anger surpass the next day," it's not a joke. Yes; be angry. Vent it out. Write it out and burn it afterwards. Do something. It's like holding in your fart and later on, getting bloated like a bowl full of jelly.
It's not easy having a relationship with other people. The only person who can understand you for who you are is, you. Whether or not you believe in a higher being beyond yourself, that's on your time and personal jurisdiction. No one can tell you how you should feel. People can persuade you to do things or think on a different level. However, the choice is still yours - whether you choose to follow or deject their opinions.
What I'm trying to say is, forgiveness is not about the person who violated your personal boundaries. It's about your inner peace and your mental state of health. Are you willing to forgive yourself in being vulnerable? Can you forgive yourself for being naïve? Would you be able to forgive yourself for being too self-critical?
You cannot expect others to respect you if you cannot respect yourself - let alone love you for you who are. It doesn't matter anymore what my mother thinks of me. What matters the most is how I see myself in God's eyes. I know in my heart, I did good. I am perfect in His eyes just the way I am. In this revelation, I have honored God; despite my mother's askewed religious views.
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