The Still, Small Voice

It has been about 2 years and 4 months ago that I have come to accept the compunctious reality of my life as a divorcee. The healing and forgiveness was not only powerful but freeing in a way I can live my life knowing that everything was a blessing in the end.

I learned a lot about myself and how I have dealt with relationships. Once I have separated myself from the destructive environment in living in the past, everything started falling into place. I am grateful to every one in my life: my husband, my daughter and my co-parent. There's a sense of trust and compassion I never knew that could ever existed in the world of divorce.

Even before I began to accept the reality of my deepest regret, I needed help. I honestly poured my heart out to God in anger: "I'm a Christian. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Please help me. Send help. Anything. I don't know if I can keep my promise to you anymore." I wanted to die that day. I was worried about my child. How will she see me? Will she ever forgive me? Is it my job to make her understand? Out of my anguish, came hope. I was referred to a therapist. She gave me a handout, which had some guidelines on how to be mindful to my child's needs. I have never read the book: "Helping Children Survive Divorce", which was listed as one of a handful of resources to read, but the handout was good enough for me.

All I can say about my experience throughout this journey is listening to God's still, small voice. The most pronounced attribute you can find in the book of Psalms. God comes to you when you call and asks, "Where are you?" In my vulnerability, I lie in contemplation of negative thoughts and feelings. The most beautiful thing above all is God's presence enveloping you with love and mercy. The wisdom God provides is so compelling, you just want to go ahead and see where you end up. It's difficult to be mindful of the things you're suppose to pay attention to. It's not everyday I get to sit still, stop for a moment and recollect what I just experience. Most of the times I'm distracted with my impulse to run away - just like Jonah.

I am grateful to where God has led me to where I am now. I'm enriched with wise, compassionate and loving friends who have become part of my spiritual family. A family I had always wanted. Even when we don't see eye-to-eye on some aspects of life, I learned to listen, understand and be mindful of their individuality. I understand now what Jesus meant:

"Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven" ~ Luke 6:37

For the longest time I was made to believe that I was condemned to all eternity. I was never enough to be loved by God because I was far from being perfect or to say the least holy. To make things worse, be ostracized for being born an abomination. The past judgments I had received growing up in a Charismatic Protestant Church was not only harsh but demeaning. As a child, resonating with loneliness and rejection was not only traumatizing, but suicidal. 

When God turned my life around on the night of April 14, 1995, I made a commitment to learn more about myself and who I was in God's purview. I had to relearn what it was to be God's child from Jesus' teachings. Who am I?; but a Gentile - someone who used to perceive that God was this ominous deity I had to serve without question.

I asked God a lot of questions. Questions I thought were going to be ignored. God answered all of them. I am deeply humbled. During the time I was baptized, the pastor looked at me in wonder and announced to the congregation, "God has blessed our sister today!" He then held my shoulders to hug me and said, "God has a great plan for you. It's not going to be easy, but there is wonder in your future." Every passing moment, regardless of the outcome or despite my impulse to scurry away in hiding, I was reformed and renewed.

When God sends me somewhere or was guided to meet other people, I am blessed graciously with compassion and generosity. Whenever my story becomes an interest, I share gladly. Sometimes I overwhelm people. Sometimes, I end up blessing people with God's presence. I treasured every moment.

Recently, I have begun to treasure the unpleasant moments. I have been practicing this habit for only a year now. I realize how much I can articulate my thoughts properly when I become mindful, attentive to listen, and be still in the present moment. I'm still clumsy at it. That's the beauty of God's love. There's mercy when you fail; especially when you fail miserably. The divine comedy is that everyone experiences this self-criticism and self-loathing all the time within themselves - regardless of gnosticism or atheism. I thank God everyday for allowing me to be my vulnerable and clumsy self while I continue this journey of self-discovery and enligtenment. 

I hope my testimony has given you an understanding who I am becoming. I apologize in advance if this story has become a resonating broken record. I just want you to know I am grateful to all of you. Thank you for taking your time to listen to my story.

The hero I used to know

I do not usually speak a lot about my heroes because most Christians consider this form of aspirations, idolatry. Yet in the irony of it all, the Christians make idols of Jesus the Christ; in all forms of art and literature.

There was a story of a woman I used to know. She was full of aspiration and determination. She fell in love with a man whom she believed was going to fulfill her dreams. I thought it was a romantic story. I love a good romantic story.

I didn't get to know her well until she poured her heart out to me. The pain and anguish she endured was overwhelming for her that she believed I could make them go away. I was young and single at that time. I did not understand any of what it was like to be married to someone. Believe me, I've read every book on the shelf at my school library to help me figure out what it was like to be in a relationship. I sought wisdom from other married couples. Even in my best efforts, I was rejected for the wisdom I had acquired. Like I said; I was young and single - inexperienced to all things marital. 

All I can tell you that this woman had strength. I never thought a woman with such gusto and stamina would hold onto a broken marriage for so long. I know I wouldn't have. I left my marriage. As a Christian, it's a devastating consequence. An experience I dread to repeat.

I don't know how she's doing right now. All I know is that she left me a memento. A reminder that I can be a woman of strength and dignity. I do not have the need to sacrifice myself into giving in or giving up the things; let alone the values, which I hold dear to my heart. Even in my most vulnerable state of mind and well-being, I can stop to breathe, step back and reflect. Especially asking myself the honest questions:

1. Did I express my thoughts and feelings in a way that was mindful and fair to others and myself?
2. Was I too judgmental in such a way I lost sight of validating other's thoughts and feelings including my own?
3. Was I true to the values I currently stand for?

This journey of self-reflection is not easy. Practicing the skills of being an affluent conversationalist is cumbersome. I'm clumsy at it. As a perfectionist, it's frustrating and infuriating. Then there's a personal spiritual reminder that there can be grace and mercy for not hitting the mark all the time. It's okay because it's not the end of the world. The best I can do is to learn from my mistake, stand up, move forward, and live life. That's the beauty of life in a nutshell.

So, here's to you; Mom. Thank you for being that hero in my life when it mattered the most. There's so much you have missed in my life - all 25 years of it. There's so much we need to catch up on. I hope that in years to come, there's healing and reconciliation between us.

Happy Mother's Day