What defines a woman

I couldn't sleep after a bad dream which was looping within itself. I had to run around in a maze endlessly. I got tired going about every avenue of the maze only to find myself right at the beginning.

While I was trying to find ways of going back to sleep, I came across this article, "What makes a woman a woman?"

After reading it, I thought for a moment. If their definition of a woman is true, then by its definition as stated, I am genderless because I am unable to become pregnant. Since I wear an IUD (Intrauterine Device), I rarely get my monthly menstrual phases. The arguments implied on this article has made some points, but it has a biased point of view with every individual involved. I've read a lot of articles regarding this matter. Considering the labels society has put in place, it still begs the question as to why people have to make this an argument. However, I am still open to the idea that there are still a lot of things biological science has not yet discovered. 

Biologically speaking, the only difference between a male and a female is their respective chromosomes. Genetically speaking, I am female. I identify myself as a woman based on my body structure. Whoever wants to argue this scientific fact, is more than welcome to do so. 

Needless to say, of all the information I have come across and to know about being a woman, is when a female child has grown up into a nubile female. Be it as it may, I get emotional more often than not. However, being emotional is not exclusive to femininity. Even after puberty, I rarely experienced any (if at all) mood swings, bloating or cramps during menstruation. 

I had an early start on my diet because both my parents were diagnosed in their early mid-30's with high blood pressure, high cholesterol and diabetes. Our family meals were less salty, less fatty, less sugary, and had less carbohydrates. There was a good balance of fish, legumes and dairy, hence my inexperience with PMS (Premenstrual Syndrome). 

Unfortunately for my mother, it was a much a prevalent experience for her. As I got older, I have lessened my intake of processed meat; especially beef and pork; hot spices, dairy, white rice, enriched floured pasta and legumes. Even after my pregnancy, my body maintained the fat in my bosoms, waist and hips. Despite my activity level, I could no longer fit the clothes I wore before my pregnancy. I have stated this in my previous blog, 'The sexy side of me.'

I do not say this often, but sexual orientation should not be labeled as a choice. One thing for sure, a heterosexual person did not choose to be one. So, why would a homosexual, a transgender, or a bisexual person for that matter, have the option to choose what they are? A panther is a feline as much as a cat. If panthers could speak, they'd tell you not to call them a cat because that is not what they see themselves to be. In matters of biological science involving genetics, natural selection and mutations, you cannot impose that mutated humans are less than being classified as a Homo Sapiens as you would classify Felidae. As you learn Homo Sapiens and Felidae are categorized as Mammals.

I do not understand the complexity of people's minds, who decide to believe that any sexual orientation other than the "norm" would be considered abnormal. Human beings are basically animals. Nature has evidence of animals having two sexual organs in one body, while other animals are attracted to the same gender of their own species. Humans are animals as much as the rest of the creatures on this planet, once you break it down to the Science. 

Men may be simple creatures with simple needs and wants, but there are men, who are just as emotional and complicated as women are. No, I'm not saying that emotional men are effeminate. There are men, who are high on their testosterone level, who possess as much estrogen as women. In addition to this scientific fact, these men have the tendency to be more aggressive specimens than the female counterparts. Then you start to wonder, why would any woman, in their right mind, would want to be with these highly aggressive men?

Women are subjected to low self-esteem mainly because society, as a whole, feel that their community would benefit greatly when the children are not running a muck in the streets unsupervised. If you take it from their point of view, women were viewed as sages while the men were viewed as protectors. Yes, society's main focus and concern were always about the children. If you look back in ancient history, there were some cultures where women were allowed to protect themselves and their children while the men are away hunting or warring. Unfortunately, most men in some cultures have taken a dominant hold of their community, thus have created a very biased society. A society where the women, the elderly and the children are left defenseless and vulnerable to any danger or threats. With that being said, these house-bound women have it ingrained in their mind to manipulate situations within their household to get what they want.

I believe I have figured out the reason why most men have taken the dominant route rather than the supportive role. The reason by which they want to see a woman objectified as a trophy, so as to feel powerful. These dominant and aggressive men have invented a series of nomenclature in their society to convince that the women should stay away from power. If you study their behavior and reasoning under a microscope, it is their fear of losing this power. I'm sure everyone here wants to feel or have the ability to be powerful. In other words, the ability to take control of other people. Whether it be, people, animal or things. 

In order to ensure women stay where they are, men invented things for women. Take the invention of the washing machine, for example. All the hard days work of a woman toting that heavy laundry from the house to the river and back again. All that sweating, frowning, complaining and fussing in which a woman articulates to their male partners do not make a man feel he like he's in control of his life. Believe me, I've taken full consideration of all cultures throughout history. This makes the most sense to me.

Granted there were female inventors throughout history like Sarah Mather, there were female rulers too. The most significant woman who ruled an empire by herself was Sobekneferu. Unlike Pharaoh Hatshepsut, who would rather put on a show than to be seen herself as a Queen, Sobekneferu ruled Egypt successfully. Anyone as brilliant as Hetshepsut might have considered it fun to cosplay as a Pharaoh. She may have even been the first woman to have done so.

I applaud the strength it takes a woman to have a biological make over to become a man. It is hard enough as it is to go through menopause. How much more to be a Transgender man dealing with a feasible amount of testosterone in their altered female body? The female physiology of the clitoris, which is a pea-size penis for all intent and purposes, could be transformed to a functioning phallus sans urethra. I couldn't imagine the pain a man would have to go through to be a Transgender woman. I'm not here to offend anybody. I'm simply stating the issue of why society is making such a big fuss over labeling what defines a man and what a woman should be classified as. Why should anyone be subjected to labels?

A woman is as much as a man apart from how they perceive things, how they process their thoughts, how they express their feelings and how strong their abilities manifest to benefit society. A woman is able to withstand and tolerate pain whereas a man does not. In the Mayan culture, a man and his wife in labor will be in the same room. They will tie his testicles in a knot and give the ends to his wife. When she pushes the child during labors, she pulls on the rope, tightening the knot attached to her husband's testicles. Just imagine being subjected to that.

Here's another thing that women and young girls are subjected to in African culture. African tribes believe that controlling a woman's libido is theirs to take. They cut off the clitoris. Now, if this were demonstrated in person, I'd like to take a convicted rapist and have his meatus cut off just to prove the point of what these African tribal men are doing to their community of women. When an African nubile young woman matures, the mother is forced to iron out their daughter's breast. If you think China hamming their 5 year old daughter's feet to appease the fetish of old Chinese men, you aren't educated enough in women suffrage.

It's like a discussion I had with my husband. He told me, "The only thing I can't do is give birth to children; therefore women are capable of doing a man's job. It's not advisable if they want to have children, but they can do everything a man is capable of doing. Wait, I take that back. They can't pee while standing up in front of a toilet."

However strange it may sound, regardless of whatever social labels exists, humans trying to define what a woman is, is the same as arguing the true color of what the sky should be. Is the sky always blue? No. Can a woman be defined as such without prejudice? Yes.

Woman should be defined simply as, "An adult female human." Even though they can be someone, who is capable of pregnancy and giving birth from puberty until menopause, it should also be made known that mutated genetics, whereby a woman may have a birth defect of having an extra X or Y chromosome, that may limit their ability to become pregnant.

Feminism exists because women are done suffering. There are still plenty of young women out there who are unable to get an education. It's not to say she is incapable. There may be a series of events where she may be experiencing hardship. Their own community is preventing them resources to have the same basic human right as a man. 

It is rather quaint that a man at any age, and of any culture, who can find themselves a nubile woman to marry. It is also interesting to point out that the United Nation's objectives are to maintain international peace and security, promote human rights, foster social and economic development, protect the environment, and provide humanitarian aid in cases of famine, natural disaster, and armed conflict. Yet, we still see more of the opposite. Why? Controlled ignorance and corruption.

What I'm basically saying is, I'm human regardless of my gender. My sexual orientation doesn't define my gender. In other words, if the panther (Pantherinae) is a Felidae as much as a cat (Felis Catus), calling its genus "Cat" is an insult to injury. 

To be human is simply to say, "Man." What is Man? An animal which stands erect with two legs, has a complex brain structure than most apes, and it has the ability to organize prestigious societies.

It doesn't matter to me if you are religious or not. I'm only stating information from the texts written after the 2nd Jewish Temple was destroyed. 

Man was created both male and female. Jesus made it clear that even though he came to fulfill the laws of the Torah, he also taught the people of Judah to think for themselves. The Torah is a Jewish tradition sanctified by the Pharisees (during Moses' time, who were mostly Levi's descendants, decreed by God to pass down the laws to the people of Israel). I have learned a lot on my own volition; long before I became a devout Born-again Christian. 14 years of indoctrination during my childhood led me to distance myself from any sect of Christianity. During those 18 years as an Unorthodox Christian, I have learned to embrace other people's beliefs: Islam, Judaism, Hinduism, and Buddhism. I know this is enough to send any Fundamentalist Christians into a heated debate and label me, "Heretic."

Honestly, there are so many gaps in history. Does it not make you wonder? Who this authority is to have the ability to cover or destroy pockets of truth in our history? It's even sad to realize that the history we learned at school was rewritten by colonists depicted as unsung heroes. The only people who knew what happened at that time have already died. Who's to say that the history about the world you're learning at school was really is true to begin with? Yes, I'm also applying this to all religion.

The first written word was lost before the time of Christ. The knowledge in which Man was suppose to have uttered and passed down from one person to another, have been lost. Up until the point in time where Egyptians taught some of their servants how to read and write. Unfortunately, when the Bible was canonized and translated, its translation of languages become misinterpreted. As we all know, when there's a line of miscommunication, bad things happen. When bad things happen, things get lost, destroyed or killed. With that being said, society has no other choice but to decide on how to go about controlling order; to wherever people are going to be civil with each other. When a society decides to have people of authority to come up with laws, where individuals are disciplined by their behavior, then by default, they have created their own social prejudices.

This is old news, folks. That's the truth of it. Women are humans as much as men are coming out from their mother's wombs. Without women, humans cease to exist. Period.

Drafted: April 27, 2014 
Edited: February 25, 2016

Revised: August 30, 2022

When loving you isn't enough

Have you ever felt so sorry for yourself, you begin to think of finding ways to bring excitement into your life? Even when you take the risk of doing so, you hurt the very person you care about?

This has been the series of events in my life for the past 12 years.

The choices we make in our everyday lives are the very attributes of our so called "selfishness." I love everyone, who are directly involved in my life. There are others outside of this close-knit circle, of whom I don't care for. I interact with everyone I meet in a very emotional level. I am, after all, an emotional person by nature. There, within is where the problem lies. No matter how many times I try to relate on an empathetic level, I feel as if I have lost connection of being a human of sound mind.

I don't apologize as easy as most people often do. I don't enjoy sounding insincere or indifferent. Sure, I am aware that I do have a temper. I try my hardest not to lose it as often as I care to express it. I do try to pick my battles when I am mindfully aware of my wrath. Other times, I just feel emotionally violated. I am very aware that Feeling is an emotional state; not a perception of reality.

The big question for me is, "How much of your past have you let go?"

Honestly, I just barely scratched the surface in letting go of my traumatic past. There are so many unanswered questions in my life. I am lost where to begin. If it were not for Angela Shelton's healing exercises, I wouldn't be here writing my experiences. I am also grateful for the support at the VA Clinic and social support in the recovering from Clinical Depression and Chronic Anxiety due to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

I've been told by family, friends and acquaintances that I have the most beautiful smile. I smile because I'm holding back the wounds and the hurt inflicted on me from my childhood. You don't have to be my closest friend to examine my smile was ever sincere. My feelings will always be sincere regardless, whether I smile or not. The only time you'll see me cry is when I'm trying to hold back my rage. 

I have a lot of emotional triggers. I know my past as if it happened yesterday. If I could forget everything, I would do so. I would love to be afflicted by Alzheimer's Disease. I don't have to be constantly accused of insinuating of being antagonistic, egotistic, asinine, belligerent and an obstinate ingrate. If you do, then you have to either be cynically observant or desperately manipulative to know when to trigger these emotional memories that haunt me every sleep and waking hours of my day. Whether or not you succeed, will depend on how I will relate to you in the future.

I have a big gap of trusting people especially of whom, I care about. Do not expect me to trust you based on your superfluous kindness and generosity towards me. No matter how many times I affirm that I am in a better life than I was at before, my paranoia will still kick in. As much as I try to be considerate of others, I do tend to hide under my shell when provoked. 

It is a feat to be a wholesome person. My darkness is the reason why I'm still alive and breathing. The only element I trust in my life is God. You would have to live my life to experience the manifestation of God's presence that occurred on April 16, 1995.

There is still an inkling in the back of my mind that I have expectations to meet. Expectations to aim high, be perfectly normal as possible, and be compassionately generous. The toxicity of being a model citizen can be emotional taxing. As stressful as it may seem, I am aware that I have limitations and strengths. I can only handle what I can control with whatever resources I have. I cannot be all encompassing and affluent to all resources nor do I have all the qualities you need and want me to have that does not define me as an individual. In other words, I am uniquely me. I cannot be you. I cannot think like you. I do not share the same experience you do. I am not your brain, your eyes, your mouth or your soul.

I can have positive qualities, even though it out weighs the negative qualities I do have. It's difficult enough for me to show proof I have good qualities, so why focus on my negative ones? It just makes me feel all the more hopeless, depressed and suicidal.

Yes, this is a generic feeling - an honest one at best. Whether or not I have just met you yesterday or we have known each other since the day I was born. This is how I feel the most vulnerable, if not, always genuine throughout the day. Sometimes, the adjurations of my faith processes through my sleep. Other times, I may skip falling asleep for fear of being antagonized by my mother in my dream state. Depending on how well I sleep at all, will determine how I feel about my day when I wake up.

I honestly do what I can to make myself happy. I try to be aware and mindful of how my happiness affects others. My joy and happiness affect my demeanor too. 

My husband doesn't believe I am an empath. I do know that I'm a magnet to your soul. I reflect your feelings to you as much I reflect my own as a wholesome energy. The last thing you want to do is upset me. The effect of my reflecting your energy is much greater than you could ever affect me with your own energy. I can magnify your negativity like a tsunami.

I cannot be a saint all the time, but I am confident that you will appreciate my candor and blunt honesty. I cannot say this enough. But if my actions are not enough to convince you that I truly care about you, then it is not my job to change who I am for your sake.

There are over 7.8 billion people on this planet. I'm going to constantly make a mistake. I'm tired of being treated like shit. I am tired of defending my own individuality like a swan among the chickens.

I would rather die than live forever in the expectations of others who expect me to make them happy. If you're not happy with your own life, what makes you think that I can make your life any happier? 

Published 3/22/14

Edited 08/30/22

Keeping traditions alive

 My mothher raised me to always respect my elders, to always be alert and to always be good. I had lived with my mother for 19 years. Even though I had my first taste of independence in 1993, my mother has had a good grasp of my liberty for 25 years. In the span of my adolescent years, I've learned that my mother was not as traditional as she made herself to be. She raised me to always challenge myself more ways than one - it is enough to let you know she definitely grew up during the era of independent women.

The common similarity within the Filipino and Chinese culture is, the eldest child will always be expected to take on the family's burden. This obligation could sum up to various things such as, financial, emotional, spiritual or whatever the parents demands of the eldest child. The parents prepare the eldest child with lessons of etiquette and sense of authority and responsibilities. Unfortunately, conforming this eldest child to adhere to responsibility of an adult can sometimes break them.

The upbringing of the firstborn can also be complicated by introducing religious indoctrination. This ensues a lot of moral doubts; especially when the parents override the doctrines based on their authority and preconceived notion of the world. Without proper guidance of what is true and right, the child becomes confused, frustrated and eventually indifferent to the world around them. 

I believe that there are some traditions worth keeping. I also believe that there should not be any retaliations for creating new traditions, which would benefit the family as a whole. 

There is a new tradition in my own family, whereby I allow myself to respect my child. Ever since I had done so, my child has learned to respect me in the same manner. I listened and pay attention to their needs and concerns. Granted that I don't always get it correct all the time, but I believe I have done right by them based on their needs and wants.

Unlike how I was raised under the Chinese tradition, I was not allowed to speak unless spoken to. This only happened when my paternal grandfather was around. I really did not get a chance to know him very much. It was simply because I was not a grandson. Even when I offered to learn the family trade, he refused to teach me. 

In the Chinese tradition, the eldest son will always have the family business. Oddly enough, even though my father was the second child, I was given inherited rights over my uncle's son. My cousin is adopted. 

Since there isn't an eldest son by blood from my uncle's household, I was given the entitlement to take over the business. I have expressed my gratitude to my grandparents. However, I would rather have my uncle, being that he is the eldest son of my grandfather, my uncle should make that decision. The family business has been with my uncle since he was 12 years old. 

However, arguing a dying man's wish was futile; especially when it has been insisted upon in witness of other family members. My grandfather wanted me to return to China with him so my name would be on the bill of land my grandfather owned. Unfortunately, the land has been used by the Chinese government as an airstrip depot. I politely declined, considering I was enlisted in the United States Air Force at that time. As much I as I wanted to be finally accepted and recognized, I knew it was not enough to knit the gap my grandfather had placed a long time ago. I've always loved and respected my paternal uncle. I believe it is the mutual understanding we have as firstborns. I told him it would be an honor to learn the family trade if he wanted me to. He told me that I did not have to burden myself, since there are other relatives much closer and familiar with the business.

Another new tradition my own family agreed on is trust. I would like to point out, not everyone who know me by name are considered trust-worthy for the family. 

In the Filipino tradition, EVERYONE is considered family. I learned from very young, that this tradition is morally and ethically unhealthy to start a relationship with a child. It allows trust where it isn't warranted. My parents always insisted that I kiss and hug family members. It wasn't until I was 12, my father began reprimanding me for quickly addressing new family members with a hug and a kiss. You should have seen the look on my face then: "Are you being serious right now?" I was tempted to tell him: "Did you know I was molested by your friend's son at the age of 10? Did you know that the person you listed as my guardian attempted to rape me on my 18th birthday?" His lack of awareness infuriated me. The audacity to accused me of being promiscuous during the time I reported the "abuse,"  broken heart in tears of anguish.  Even after reporting these incidents, I promised myself to be weary of people's intentions before introducing my own family to them.  I never told my child to approach people they do not know on a personal level. I have friends and acquaintances whom I introduced my child to. They will only hug someone when they felt comfortable being with them. 

I have found numerous articles where many children have been molested by people they know. It is a rare occasion they are or have ever been molested by strangers. I am not denying the fact there are predators out there. Smart children tend to avoid strangers, who want to know them or ask them to come closer to their target area. I have raised my child to know the difference between a friend and an acquaintance. My child's childhood super hero was Safe Side Super Chick. 

I would have created a new tradition whereby I plan on treating my children equally. However, my husband and I have invested so much time on our only child, we have decided to hold off on having other children altogether. When I was growing up, whether my parents intended to raise us equally or not, it was very obvious among the four sisters, who had been heavily invested upon. According to my husband's observation, I was probably just the 'test child.' Regardless of my parents' inexperience to parenthood, their lack of consideration to all their children was very obvious.

In Chinese tradition, I did not matter. I was not an eldest son. It is legally impossible for me to carry my paternal legacy. Even if I have kept my father's name, by Chinese tradition, I am incumbent to accord with the wishes and needs of my father, my husband, and my son. The thing that infuriated me the most was they had the audacity to give me grief for not representing my middle name as my maiden name. In the legal sense of Middle name versus Maiden name is simply as obvious as a simpleton, who can explain this to you in the basic English language. 

• Middle name: a person's name (typically a personal name) placed after the first name and before the surname.
• Maiden name: the surname that a married woman used from birth, prior to its being legally changed at marriage.

How many forms in the place of business asks for a "Maiden name"? 

ZERO!!! STOP FUCKING ASKING ME TO CHANGE MY MIDDLE NAME TO MY MAIDEN NAME!!!

Since I was not as smart or musically talented as my second sister, my parents saw that there was no point in fully investing for my future. However, in Filipino tradition, I am important because I have to be a role model. 

Living up to this expectation was stressful enough; let alone reasonable in a child's point of view. Stress or adversity that is too intense, serious, long-lasting, or sudden can overwhelm a child’s ability to cope. Stress can be harmful when children are subjected to stress on a daily basis, or when they lack the support or the coping skills they need from their parents. Over time, too much stress can affect the children’s mental and physical health. My mother's life story is the cautionary tale of what happens when a child is left unsupervised with their state and well-being under constant stressful circumstances.

Unfortunately, my role models were bullies. That's right. I'm calling my parents bullies. Bear in mind, on my father's last dying breath, he regretted what he did and was remorseful for those times he was absent to prevent my mother from abusing me constantly. Due to my exposed violent environment, I exhibited violent traits and became the bully I never meant to be. I stopped bullying at the age of 13. I have written letters of apologies to all the people I hurt. This life changing experience happened at school. Believe it or not, I learned this important life lesson from a Senior high school student. I paid it forward by stopping a rampart tyrant brat from harassing not only my sister, but other students of all grades as well. My best friend and I had embarrassed her so badly in front of a royal prince, that she was begging the royal prince for mercy. I give credit to my best friend since it was entirely her idea.

Self-awareness played an important part of my child's upbringing. Honestly, being an imperfect but honest parent has its perks and disadvantages. I grew up differently from how I raised my child. Even though my parenting style was categorized under Authoritative, I taught her responsibility from the time they were able to crawl on their own. They knew where they should be and what not to touch. I made sure I was a good role model. I was mindful of what I said and did so that I led as a good example. Trust me, it took me a while to break my bad habits. I couldn't be more proud than I am now with the child I raised. Despite their limitations, they are capable of being decisive, reasonable and well-rounded member of society.

Another tradition I created is open-mindedness. It should not matter what language the child speaks as long as they can communicate. I would have taught her how to speak in Tagalog, but her birth father was not too keen on allowing me to do so. My child has taken an interest in speaking German. As much as I would like to practice with them, I am still deficient in speaking my native tongue and Mandarin. I had been speaking in English since I was 5.

In a Filipino family, it's a disgrace not to speak in the native tongue. In some Chinese family, it is good for business to be able to speak fluently in different languages. It did not impress my paternal grandfather since he spoke in his native dialect, Bicolano, Mandarin and Hokkien. He had scoffed in Bicolano (my grandmother had translated this to me), "What use are you to the family business if all you know is just English?" He proceeded to say in English, "What is this?" It became his favorite thing to say. My Tagalog is only at 5th grade level. According to the USAF Translator standard, I do not qualify as a Tagalog translator as my Comprehension Level was considered "Unsatisfactory." Go figure.

To this day, I am still considered a foreigner within my family because I can barely speak Tagalog fluently. It was not that I did not want to learn the language. As a matter of fact, my parents had no idea I had the ability to understand Tagalog when I was growing up. I have experienced quite a number of incidents whereby I have made embarrassing revelations to some of my family members. It has been a habit of my mother to speak to me in English because she had always planned to move to the United States. Now that I'm here in the U.S., I had a few nasty surprises from several people of southern hospitality when I was in Texas, Utah and Mississippi. 

What bothers me the most and is disheartening, is when family members speak ill of you in front of their friends believing I do not understand a lick of Tagalog. One incident in particular, was during the summer of 2002. My mother spoke in Tagalog to us in front of my child's father so she can judge him without his knowledge. I was taken aback and replied to her in English, "Who are you asking? Dad or me, because you know that none of my sisters can understand what you just said." She then spoke in Bahasa Melayu thinking I wouldn't understand since I failed my Malay exams during my educational upbringing in Brunei Darussalam. I was irritated by then, "I can still understand you with your attempt of speaking Bahasa Melayu in an incoherent manner. Instead of being inconsiderably rude, how about you ask him (previous spouse at the time) yourself as to why he chose not to eat pork? How do you expect me to respect you when you can't even respect other people outside the family?" From then onwards, my mother became self-conscious speaking different languages around me. 

I do not intentionally embarrass my mother for a living. The fact of the matter was, she excludes herself from the parental instructions she dictates to us children. When the opportunity happens, it takes form on its own. 

Unlike other times she accuses me of embarrassing her, there was an incident where I have defended my mother. This happened exactly 15 years ago in California. My sisters and I were being introduced by my uncle's father-in-law's friends of their family. He told one of his friends, in Tagalog that it was embarrassing to have an 'English-speaking only' grandchildren. He points to me while telling his lady friend that since I was born in Brunei, I lack the ability to speak Tagalog and that my parents were silly to move here to the United States since Brunei is a rich country. I was infuriated, but I held my tongue from vulgarity. 

I scolded him in Tagalog and in English, "Pasyensia na po kayo (With all due respect), I was born in the Philippines. You do not know my parents or what their situation was in Brunei. First and foremost, you ought to be ashamed of yourself for telling your friend here, that you don't have grandchildren who can speak Tagalog. If you are disgusted by this, you should have at least taught them to speak Tagalog at your own time (he was retired and lazed around my maternal uncle's house). You should also know that it would be rude to speak in a foreign language when someone speaks to you in English. It also applies when speaking in Tagalog. If you have spoken to me in Tagalog, I would have gladly returned the favor. But you did not; because you assumed otherwise. (His lady friend's face started to widen with regret and embarrassment for staying silent in stopping from his disrespect rant towards his family.) My mother wanted me to speak in Tagalog; while my father wanted me to speak in Mandarin. Since neither one of them could agree, English was the compromised language I was taught to speak; even though they communicated to each other in Tagalog, I have picked up the language on my own. I have gone to school and learned how to speak and understand Tagalog too. Since you didn't ask, I'll tell you now that you are a disgrace for insulting your family in this manner." His friend was not impressed by my lack of respect, but she couldn't argue in return because I made a valid point. She felt like a fool for not stopping him with his disgruntled opinion about how his grandchildren are a disgrace to the family. He apologized to me, but I told him he should be the one apologizing to my mother and his grandson, since the insult was directed towards them. I do not know if he actually had done so or not. Needless to say, I have not been a keen relative to be around with. I can be brazenly blunt, poignant, and prudent at the same time.

Other than these newfound traditions I established in my household, I have also kept my family traditions of unity viable. The common similarity in the Filipino and Chinese tradition is that your elders are the foundation of family unity. It is why I call my household, "The house of Elders." Even though my husband is the second child, he is however, the eldest son of his household. My child is included even though they are the only child. As I have mentioned previously, the firstborn is expected to make things right whenever there is a family conflict, a family concern or there is a need of a family reunion whether it be a joyous or dilemmic occasion. 

It has been a stressful journey trying to get my uniquely dysfunctional family to come together as one unit. Even though my mother wants to extend her own responsibilities through me, I respectfully declined. I believe she should amend her differences with her own siblings and her own mother because I am not her. She cannot live vicariously through me. I am an entirely different person. I do not have the same convictions she does. My faith is separate from my autonomy as a person, who identifies with others. I did not live in her past. I am incapable of reconciling those constraint familial relations she has. I know for certain that intervening in my mother's affairs would only make it worse. 

I am aware that sharing my experiences to the public alone is heresy. If there are enough women who read my story, I'm pretty sure 1 of every 3 people, who read my blog, can relate to my past experiences.

I'm just thankful that there were certain things my mother and I settled in a civil manner. Unfortunately, in this current time since August 24, 2020, our relationship has grown static. Her inability to acknowledge my accomplishments as an audacious feminist, has left me to grieve our incompatible familial relationship. 

Even though I live a thousand miles apart from California, I never felt closer to my sisters than I ever did growing up with them as we did in Brunei. We have our own lives to live. I was the extrovert of the 4 of us. I showed them that life has its adventures when you make it as your own. I'm proud of all of them. I can't I was the best eldest sister to ever exist in the history of my family, but I amended my philosophies to their view of the world. As all reasonable and growing Christian believers know, we take counsel of all walks of life. We allow God's Holy Spirit to guide us to the path of righteousness for His name's sake (the Messiah's name).

As for my father, there's another story I would have to tell some other time. It was a parting revelation when my father said he would have had a closer relationship with his firstborn if it had not been based on his family tradition. My father only wished I lived according to God's will. Since his view of me was portrayed by my mother's insinuation of me, I had to explicitly inform him of all my trials and tribulations as it was. A regret he took with him when he passed away. 

As crazy as it may sound, I had a dream about him before his passing. This was about the time he was in a comatose state. In the dream, he did not announce himself. He had the illumination of an angel. The angel told me that I did not have to worry about my child, since he would be guarding them for the rest of their life. Little did I know then, that life was spared in the morning of January 2019. My child decided to play truancy. Since they were not paying attention to the rules of the road, they jay walked across the highway and was hit by a teacher on the way to school. 

The angel continued, "I am proud of who you have become and the importance of your purpose to your husband. Listen to him and trust him. He is the chosen one." After what was said, I knew it was my father. Later that afternoon, my mother called me of my father's passing. She said to me, "I know your father is in heaven, because he is smiling and is at peace. He is with Jesus." 

She was baffled when I told her I already knew about his passing long before she called to tell me of the news. At that time, I couldn't bear to tell her about my dream. 

The last time I told her about angels, she called me an "exaggerating liar." She believes only holy people can see angels. I do agree, but non-believers can see angels too. She may insinuate that I'm too far from being holy. However, there is one thing that I do know. I do not have the notion to lie; especially when something as important such as this, happen out of the blue.

My child may have remembered my father for a brief moment, but they seems emotionally connected to him whenever I tell stories about him. Whatever it is, I'm glad they see him in a positive light. 

Taken in 2002

I'm also glad my child has taken a positive attitude about the traditions I established at home. Hopefully, they would in turn share this with their own family when the time comes. It wasn't easy raising them due to their past experiences with my divorce from their birth father. I am certain in light of everything that has happened, I hope they will forgive me for all the things I have said and done that caused them turmoil and grief. I will always love them; even if they break my heart. 

Published on 3/12/14

Edited on 8/30/22

The sexy side of me

I have always been petite. There is no doubt about that. Ever since puberty, I was always told I was too skinny. Now in my mid-30's looking like this still gets me negative criticism.

I've come to accept the fact that I'm not going to get any bigger (in width) than this. I'm a comfortable size 8. That's how my stature will always be.

I love looking at models and following the latest fashion trends. However, in all honesty, I've come to find my niche in steampunk and fantasy cosplay. The very fashion trend my mother loathes me to be in. Interestingly enough, when I do dress down (e.g. sweatpants and hoodie), I still get young men (disturbingly creepy - Dudes, I can pass as your mother!) toss me a whistle or two.

In all seriousness, I believe I'm sexy. I love compliments from my husband. He's an awesome photographer and storyteller. It takes a lot of courage and spunk to openly admit that I'm one of the luckiest and sexiest married geeks out there. I'm not asking for fame or fortune. I'm still a budding freelance artist. It's been a wonderful journey meeting newfound friends in mainstream comics, creative arts, and book publishing.

I wasn't much into makeup until recently. I had a bad experience during a school play when a teacher made me use her makeup on my face. Whatever makeup she was using, it had fired up my acne in a very bad way. Especially when my mother was selling Mary Kay and Estee Lauder, my skin continued to break out. After a good visit from a dermatologist, I was told to stay away from chemical made cosmetics especially the ones made from whale blubber. I found out that The Body Shop (c) line was gentle on my skin during my teen years. When Revlon came up with their own chemical free line, I tried it out and was happy with the results. I'm a very loyal brand customer. Revlon was all I ever used. When I started working at a cosmetic department, I was asked if I have tried other brands other than Revlon. I was reluctant at first. I was given a few samples to try.

I have included photos to show the evolution of my makeup attempts until now. The series of photos started from 2009 right after the custody of my child. My husband, who was my fiancé at that time urged me to try putting on some makeup since he's never seen me wearing one on. I told him that I didn't have much but 2 blushes and 2 sets of eye shadows (blue and green - military colors to match the Air Force blues and the standard BDU). He encouraged me to use what I have and build my makeup kit in due time.

Here's my first attempt with makeup:

As you can tell, I'm very pink on the cheeks and forehead. I didn't know that foundation was very much needed until this photo was taken. I had saved enough money to get me one. I had bought the Revlon ColorStay Mineral Foundation.

Second attempt:

I still look pink. Maybe it was the camera settings on my phone. My child thought I was the prettiest mom ever. *Gosh* I have the sweetest little bumpkin. They can make me smile all day.

Third attempt:

Yeah, I did gain some weight here from this photo shoot. I apparently missed a spot on my forehead. Someone mentioned foundation liquid could be a better coverage than powder. I was reluctant considering I have very oily skin.

Fourth attempt:

Okay, too much powder! I finally considered saving up for liquid foundation.

Fifth attempt:

I may have to save up for a different color blush, eye shadows and lipstick too.

Sixth attempt:

I look more even toned now that I have used the liquid foundation. I bought myself the Revlon ColorStay liquid foundation for Combo to Oily Skin. Next step, mascara. I've had some of my co-workers suggest their product line. I gave Lancome a try. I'm liking their Dreamtone and La Base so far.

Seventh attempt:

The Lancome Oscillation mascara makes me look like an anime character. I think I'm getting the hang of this makeup hype after all.

For those of you wondering what I've been using for clear skin: I'm using L'Oreal Go 360 Clean since the Aveeno Clear Complexion doesn't remove all the excess oil my skin produces. Clinique Clarifying Lotion and Dramatically Different Moisturizing Gel.

For those of you wondering why I have no wrinkles when I smile: I use Aveeno Positively Ageless Warming Facial Scrub and Lancome Renergie Multi-action night cream with eye cream before I go to bed.

The reason for writing this blog is not to sound cocky. This is not my intent. This is for all my female friends and readers alike to show them that media does not affect my sense of self-esteem because I surround myself with positive people who love me just as I am.

After struggling with health issues and personal tribulations, I feel that it is important to show others with similar undertakings that there is hope and happiness in the end. This is what I look like now after my post surgery diet:

Eighth attempt:

I was introduced to Il Makiage and Ilia Beauty. The results were surreal. You can't even tell I'm wearing foundation makeup. Can you tell which side is Il Makiage or Ilia Beauty?

Either way, however you look at the photos I've posted, I feel beautiful inside and out. Makeup or not, I'm still me. Life is a learning process to a better adventurous journey. I found my path. I'm going to stick to it. Live life as you see fit, as long as you don't hurt others in the process. Carry on, friends. Be bold, daring and beautiful.

Published on 2/24/14

Edited on 08/30/22

Above the rest

Religion has been a touchy subject for me ever since I became a Christian. As a Christian, I've learned a lot. Most often than not, I have progressed over the years how to live my life as I should according to the Christian doctrines.

I have been a born-again Christian since 1995. It was the year I renewed my faith. By God's plan, I was baptized at the same church, where I was Christened as an infant. I'm not on a crusade to wipe out all the cults out there like Billy Graham did. I'm just here to do my part as a Christian: follow Jesus' footsteps and share the truth about the gospel. 

Even though I was brought up in a Christian family, my parents' beliefs differ from other Christians I have come to know and love. Growing up with my parents was far from being perfect in God's eyes. It was a total wreck and undeniably toxic. As a survivor of domestic abuse since I was a child and as an adult, I can only speak for myself. I'm very fortunate that God came into my life. No child should ever bear their parents' marital problems on their shoulders.

My faith is where I have chosen to believe the truth of Jesus' teachings. It has become my moral compass and guiding light. I will always test my faith regardless of others' foundation of belief. It is not to prove anyone is wrong, but to aspire myself to be a better person. 

Per chance, maybe other believers have gained better enlightenment than I would ever have. One thing you can trust from me: I will gladly stand firm on the truth. How would I know what truth is? How would I know what is right and just? The question to ask: "Would the manifestation of one's belief prohibit others to live their life in peace, love and harmony?" If the answer is "No," then I will not apply the rudiment factor of imprudence.

I was researching on a common assumption about a Biblical rule of thumb regarding husbands beating on their wives if they "get out of hand." This article, "Do you love your wife enough to beat her? This Pastor does!" was enough to kick my emotions up to 11. I was even repulsed by the comment made by the author, Gabriel Reproba. He stated that:  "We [Christians? Humans?] are to regard ourselves as slaves to God just as a wife is to a husband." 

One: I do not like to be included as if the entire Christian community are in unison with such heinous creed. 

Two: I've read the Bible from cover to cover. It has never mentioned God ever inflicting suffering towards his children or his own people. God is Love.

Three: The author's message does not manifest in aspiring others to live in peace, love and harmony.

I'm not the one to judge this man, but it's plainly obvious that his message has been tailored to inflict suffering and provoke anger - leading people to sin before God. 

Just to clarify some things, the Apostle Paul had an ideal way of how a believer should raise a family. Even though he admittedly enjoyed being a single, unmarried man (1 Corinthians 7:7), he addressed the church's concern about marital relationships. As any religious leader should know, the message should be clearly coming from God and not from Man.

Apart from the Apostle Paul, all of Jesus' appointed 12 apostles were married with children. With that being said, the early Christian church of Rome had favored Apostle Paul's work since he was a Turkish Roman citizen. Go figure. 

The truth of the matter is, Paul of Tarsus was addressing one church (Church of Corinthia) about the master and slave relationship (1 Corinthians 7:20-24) and to another church (Church of Ephesus) about a relationship between husbands and wives (Ephesians 5:22-33), neither subjects are related to one another. 

To quote Peter the Rock, who has very opinionated perceptions of women (1 Peter 3:1), is not going to win your argument either, Gabriel Reproba. 

Peter was so angry with Mary Magdalene because she had gotten all the attention from Jesus. It's plainly obvious why Jesus should pay attention to his own wife. If he had brought her along with him, she wouldn't have cheated on their marriage. Forgiving her infidelity made Jesus a better man than most.

Since Peter was given authority over the congregation, he had every right to be upset at Paul. As disciples of Jesus, you would think the two of them wouldn't have any animosity between them. In the midst of all the arguments among themselves, Peter addressed the congregation to be Christ-like according to their calling (1 Peter 2:11) by telling the slaves to follow their masters (1 Peter 2:18-25) and as for the married couples, to abide God's will within their marriage (1 Peter 3:1-9). I want to be clear on this. There never has been a Biblical verse where it stated that a husband is allowed to beat on his wife or treat her like a slave. 

In fact, I will quote on Apostle Paul's letter to the Romans, "Now I would not have you ignorant, brethren, that often times I purposed to come unto you, (but was let hitherto,) that I might have some fruit among you also, even as among other Gentiles... For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who hold the truth in unrighteousness; because that, when they knew God, they glorified him not as God, neither were thankful; but became vain in their imaginations, and their foolish heart was darkened. Professing themselves to be wise, they became fools, and changed the glory of the incorruptible God into an image made like to corruptible man, and to birds, and four-footed beasts, and creeping things. Who changed the truth of God into a lie, and worshiped and served the creature more than the Creator, who is blessed for ever. Amen."(Romans 1:13, 18, 21-23; 25)

We are in the day and age where equality, freedom and human rights are America's prized image. Let us not pin this to the Muslims either. Their Holy Qur'an does not teach violence but peace. I am highly aware of their view on infidels, but that doesn't reflect upon how Biblical Jews view Biblical Gentiles either.

Let me make it clear to you that the laws during Moses' time, were implemented so as to bring the 12 tribes of Israel (Jacob's 12 sons and their families) to come together as one nation. All 12 tribes had to unite, regardless of their different familial cultures and customs. 

For all 12 tribes to come to an agreement, they were given the 10 commandments along with other laws set forth by Moses and the Levite priests. The men had to make sure their families were well provided and protected. The women and children were kept mostly at home because they were highly susceptible to diseases. Keep in mind, they did not have the Medical and Scientific technology we have today: running water, sanitized hospitals, women shelters, etc. 

Since these technology and resources have became readily available, more women (full-time mothers) and children were allowed to venture off to go on picnics, parks, etc. Job opportunities allowed women to be independent and self-sufficient (single/part-time mothers or students). As for the women young and old alike, who have suffered domestic violence, rape or molestation can now rely on facilities, which help them in their time of need. They are no longer looked upon as property. 

Do American mothers really want their daughters/sisters to marry their rapists? If it were not for Women's right in America, where would all the modern independent women be?

Frankly, Christians should not act like this whether they are in public or in private company. Christians who consider themselves devout in public are nuisances and an embarrassment. I will address this issue by clarifying the stigma Christians have to face on a daily basis. 

This is the truth: those who do not display the 'Fruits of the Spirit' are not truly God's children. It is written, "Once we are with Christ in his resurrection, we are dead in sin but alive in Christ." (Romans 6:12) The sins which highly offends God, are also known as the 7 deadly sins: lust, greed, gluttony, jealousy, sloth, wrath and pride. I am not here to slander Christianity or any other religion. I am simply stating a grievance. 

Let us not get all riled up with this assumption that the stereotypes for Christians: 'Bible thumpers,' 'Jesus Fanatics,' 'Science haters,' etc., apply to all Christians. No more labeling. It all boils down to one thing: respect. 

If any Christians have been paying attention to what Jesus had done during his ministry, we wouldn't be in such a hot mess as we are today. 

Jesus respected the Pharisees and the Sanhedrin even though they rebuked him in public when he taught the multitudes and performed miracles. He continued to study and learn from them about the Torah. He respected women and children especially those who were publicly humiliated. He respected the authorities. He told the people to pay their taxes to Cesar (Mark 12:17). 

He stood still when he was accused of treason and allowed the Roman soldiers to arrest him. Pontious Pilate saw the truth and saw no fault when Jesus answered his questions. In addition to all that had happened, he respected the hurt, the lost, the poor, the hungry and the outcasts. In other words, Jesus stood for what was true and right (Matthew 21:12). Jesus led by example.

The journey to connect to the God of the Universe is, when you believe the gospel that Jesus, the Christ has taught his disciples, accept him as your personal Lord and savior, and live according to the laws God has made a covenant with Abraham, you will be given eternal life (John 3:16). Not your flesh that will live forever. It will be your soul. Your soul will be filled with God's Holy Spirit. 

As a Christian, to be Christ-like is to follow Jesus' footsteps (Matthew 16:24-26). To be holy, is to know God is your Lord. For God is holy (1 Peter 1:16). Holy by definition, is having a divine quality. 

When you follow Jesus' teachings (Matthew 5), your faith is renewed (James 2). Once you declare your faith and commitment by being baptized, you will be filled with the Holy Spirit. You become one with God (2 Corinthians 5:17). You will shine with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Galatians 5:22). 

As God's child, you will not only grow spiritually happy, but also grow righteously generous. In other words, your entire character as a whole, will change inwardly and outwardly to love unconditionally, share wholeheartedly, inspire encouragement and respect affectionately. It is written, "God is love. He who does not love is not born of God." (1 John 4:7,8)

Here is where the misconception of Christianity falls in: repentance vs. redemption. This blog is by no means to convert anybody. It's a piece of information to make you aware that not all Christian believers share the same beliefs.

My perception of Christian beliefs may be jaded by my experience of being abused by certain Christian members of my parents' Christian community, but I still keep a general sense of the gospel the way Jesus has taught it.

How many churches have focused so much on repentance? How many Christians have realized they have been redeemed? The divided houses of Christ have separated themselves from the true meaning of what it is to be "God's child." How many have felt ostracized because of how they thought, looked or even spoke? How many have felt vulgarly labeled by those who proudly wear their religion like a badge of honor? In James 1:27 "Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world."

Jesus' ministry is about love, mercy and redemption. God saw his creation as good. We are born without fear. We are born to learn, grow, live among and alongside each other. We have a responsibility to care for Earth and Earth's living creatures.

So, in amongst all of this piety, I have to make a stand to what is true and right. There is a fine line between what was written by the Apostles and what God has dictated to the appointed messenger. I am not a Bible thumper and I never will be one. I have witnessed a lot of suffering as a young Christian. I had to forgive myself for allowing all these hatred and microaggressions to be inflicted in my life. I am grateful I am still alive. With that, for just leading by example - the same way Christ had done over several 2,000 years ago, I will not condone to the things Contemporary Christians have inflicted to the rest of the world.

There is a time and place for everything. There are proper places to worship and praise God. A place of business has no grounds to solicit in a place of worship. Neither does a place of worship have any grounds to be in a place of business. Jesus had already made that clear (Matthew 21:13). 

Last Sunday (Jan 26, 2014), I was approached by 2 young Christians who openly testified that they wanted to pray in public for people at the mall. The young Christian man told me that he was drawn to me because I have a lively spirit and he added that I should always stay that way. 

I respectfully thanked him and told him I appreciate what he was doing, but it would be more appropriate if he could solicit his business elsewhere. Unfortunately, I did not finish my sentence because my boss had called me over to help a customer at the counter. Needless to say, Christians should learn how to be more respectful and considerate of others, especially those who are trying to work and keep a job.

I am not asking the Christians to stop evangelizing. I do not need to announce my religion or explain my status quo to prove my faith. People I barely know just pick up on my character -  without even asking. It is exactly a true testament of what was written in Matthew 5:16, "Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven."

When I was a young Christian, I asked for forgiveness. I asked for peace. I sought for God's guidance from all the corners of the earth (Not literally). As far as I could go where I was allowed to go, it was made clear as the Bible verse stated below:

If you want to be great in God's kingdom and want to be above the rest, you have to humble yourself and be the greatest servant of all (Mark 9:35).

I stopped complaining at the age of 10 about material things and worldly events that made me feel uncomfortable. I gave thanks even when I'm in pain. Yes, I do admit that I'm stubborn, opinionated, jaded, brazen, and self-indulgent to the bone. It doesn't mean I'm evil. It means I'm just as human as anyone else. Why should I pass judgment towards others, who are just trying to be? If you wait long enough to know me, over time, you will see the transformation of what Jesus was prophesying about those, who abide in His name. 

True believers of God will not condone violence, incite hatred and pass judgment on others. True disciples of Christ, despite their tribulations, will reach out to the lost, the poor, the lonely, the hurt, the rejected or dejected, the hungry, the sick, the orphans, the widows, the elderly, the disabled, and the deviants.

This is my testimony. Nothing more. Nothing less. I know where I stand in God's court. Those who bother to pass judgment, beware. Just know that I'm only here to live my life to the best of my ability. For anyone trying to change my path and disrupt my journey to God's glory, is only going to make my life with them as hazardous than it already is. It is not my conviction to prove others that I am above or below them. I'm just here to fulfill what I am here to do. I exist therefore, I am. These Judgmental Christians asking me to conform to their own perception of reality of God's message is like asking a star to stop completely from shining at the nigh sky.

For it is better, if it is the will of God, to suffer for doing good than for doing evil. (1 Peter 3:17)

Drafted on Jan 27, 2014 

Published on Jan 28, 2014

Edited: April 30, 2015

Revised: August 30, 2022