My mothher raised me to always respect my elders, to always be alert and to always be good. I had lived with my mother for 19 years. Even though I had my first taste of independence in 1993, my mother has had a good grasp of my liberty for 25 years. In the span of my adolescent years, I've learned that my mother was not as traditional as she made herself to be. She raised me to always challenge myself more ways than one - it is enough to let you know she definitely grew up during the era of independent women.
The common similarity within the Filipino and Chinese culture is, the eldest child will always be expected to take on the family's burden. This obligation could sum up to various things such as, financial, emotional, spiritual or whatever the parents demands of the eldest child. The parents prepare the eldest child with lessons of etiquette and sense of authority and responsibilities. Unfortunately, conforming this eldest child to adhere to responsibility of an adult can sometimes break them.
The upbringing of the firstborn can also be complicated by introducing religious indoctrination. This ensues a lot of moral doubts; especially when the parents override the doctrines based on their authority and preconceived notion of the world. Without proper guidance of what is true and right, the child becomes confused, frustrated and eventually indifferent to the world around them.
I believe that there are some traditions worth keeping. I also believe that there should not be any retaliations for creating new traditions, which would benefit the family as a whole.
There is a new tradition in my own family, whereby I allow myself to respect my child. Ever since I had done so, my child has learned to respect me in the same manner. I listened and pay attention to their needs and concerns. Granted that I don't always get it correct all the time, but I believe I have done right by them based on their needs and wants.
Unlike how I was raised under the Chinese tradition, I was not allowed to speak unless spoken to. This only happened when my paternal grandfather was around. I really did not get a chance to know him very much. It was simply because I was not a grandson. Even when I offered to learn the family trade, he refused to teach me.
In the Chinese tradition, the eldest son will always have the family business. Oddly enough, even though my father was the second child, I was given inherited rights over my uncle's son. My cousin is adopted.
Since there isn't an eldest son by blood from my uncle's household, I was given the entitlement to take over the business. I have expressed my gratitude to my grandparents. However, I would rather have my uncle, being that he is the eldest son of my grandfather, my uncle should make that decision. The family business has been with my uncle since he was 12 years old.
However, arguing a dying man's wish was futile; especially when it has been insisted upon in witness of other family members. My grandfather wanted me to return to China with him so my name would be on the bill of land my grandfather owned. Unfortunately, the land has been used by the Chinese government as an airstrip depot. I politely declined, considering I was enlisted in the United States Air Force at that time. As much I as I wanted to be finally accepted and recognized, I knew it was not enough to knit the gap my grandfather had placed a long time ago. I've always loved and respected my paternal uncle. I believe it is the mutual understanding we have as firstborns. I told him it would be an honor to learn the family trade if he wanted me to. He told me that I did not have to burden myself, since there are other relatives much closer and familiar with the business.
Another new tradition my own family agreed on is trust. I would like to point out, not everyone who know me by name are considered trust-worthy for the family.
In the Filipino tradition, EVERYONE is considered family. I learned from very young, that this tradition is morally and ethically unhealthy to start a relationship with a child. It allows trust where it isn't warranted. My parents always insisted that I kiss and hug family members. It wasn't until I was 12, my father began reprimanding me for quickly addressing new family members with a hug and a kiss. You should have seen the look on my face then: "Are you being serious right now?" I was tempted to tell him: "Did you know I was molested by your friend's son at the age of 10? Did you know that the person you listed as my guardian attempted to rape me on my 18th birthday?" His lack of awareness infuriated me. The audacity to accused me of being promiscuous during the time I reported the "abuse," broken heart in tears of anguish. Even after reporting these incidents, I promised myself to be weary of people's intentions before introducing my own family to them. I never told my child to approach people they do not know on a personal level. I have friends and acquaintances whom I introduced my child to. They will only hug someone when they felt comfortable being with them.
I have found numerous articles where many children have been molested by people they know. It is a rare occasion they are or have ever been molested by strangers. I am not denying the fact there are predators out there. Smart children tend to avoid strangers, who want to know them or ask them to come closer to their target area. I have raised my child to know the difference between a friend and an acquaintance. My child's childhood super hero was
Safe Side Super Chick.
I would have created a new tradition whereby I plan on treating my children equally. However, my husband and I have invested so much time on our only child, we have decided to hold off on having other children altogether. When I was growing up, whether my parents intended to raise us equally or not, it was very obvious among the four sisters, who had been heavily invested upon. According to my husband's observation, I was probably just the 'test child.' Regardless of my parents' inexperience to parenthood, their lack of consideration to all their children was very obvious.
In Chinese tradition, I did not matter. I was not an eldest son. It is legally impossible for me to carry my paternal legacy. Even if I have kept my father's name, by Chinese tradition, I am incumbent to accord with the wishes and needs of my father, my husband, and my son. The thing that infuriated me the most was they had the audacity to give me grief for not representing my middle name as my maiden name. In the legal sense of Middle name versus Maiden name is simply as obvious as a simpleton, who can explain this to you in the basic English language.
- Middle name: a person's name (typically a personal name) placed after the first name and before the surname.
- Maiden name: the surname that a married woman used from birth, prior to its being legally changed at marriage.
How many forms in the place of business asks for a "Maiden name"?
ZERO!!! STOP FUCKING ASKING ME TO CHANGE MY MIDDLE NAME TO MY MAIDEN NAME!!!
Since I was not as smart or musically talented as my second sister, my parents saw that there was no point in fully investing for my future. However, in Filipino tradition, I am important because I have to be a role model.
Living up to this expectation was stressful enough; let alone reasonable in a child's point of view. Stress or adversity that is too intense, serious, long-lasting, or sudden can overwhelm a child’s ability to cope. Stress can be harmful when children are subjected to stress on a daily basis, or when they lack the support or the coping skills they need from their parents. Over time, too much stress can affect the children’s mental and physical health. My mother's life story is the cautionary tale of what happens when a child is left unsupervised with their state and well-being under constant stressful circumstances.
Unfortunately, my role models were bullies. That's right. I'm calling my parents bullies. Bear in mind, on my father's last dying breath, he regretted what he did and was remorseful for those times he was absent to prevent my mother from abusing me constantly. Due to my exposed violent environment, I exhibited violent traits and became the bully I never meant to be. I stopped bullying at the age of 13. I have written letters of apologies to all the people I hurt. This life changing experience happened at school. Believe it or not, I learned this important life lesson from a Senior high school student. I paid it forward by stopping a rampart tyrant brat from harassing not only my sister, but other students of all grades as well. My best friend and I had embarrassed her so badly in front of a royal prince, that she was begging the royal prince for mercy. I give credit to my best friend since it was entirely her idea.
Self-awareness played an important part of my child's upbringing. Honestly, being an imperfect but honest parent has its perks and disadvantages. I grew up differently from how I raised my child. Even though my parenting style was categorized under
Authoritative, I taught her responsibility from the time they were able to crawl on their own. They knew where they should be and what not to touch. I made sure I was a good role model. I was mindful of what I said and did so that I led as a good example. Trust me, it took me a while to break my bad habits. I couldn't be more proud than I am now with the child I raised. Despite their limitations, they are capable of being decisive, reasonable and well-rounded member of society.
Another tradition I created is open-mindedness. It should not matter what language the child speaks as long as they can communicate. I would have taught her how to speak in Tagalog, but her birth father was not too keen on allowing me to do so. My child has taken an interest in speaking German. As much as I would like to practice with them, I am still deficient in speaking my native tongue and Mandarin. I had been speaking in English since I was 5.
In a Filipino family, it's a disgrace not to speak in the native tongue. In some Chinese family, it is good for business to be able to speak fluently in different languages. It did not impress my paternal grandfather since he spoke in his native dialect, Bicolano, Mandarin and Hokkien. He had scoffed in Bicolano (my grandmother had translated this to me), "What use are you to the family business if all you know is just English?" He proceeded to say in English, "What is this?" It became his favorite thing to say. My Tagalog is only at 5th grade level. According to the USAF Translator standard, I do not qualify as a Tagalog translator as my Comprehension Level was considered "Unsatisfactory." Go figure.
To this day, I am still considered a foreigner within my family because I can barely speak Tagalog fluently. It was not that I did not want to learn the language. As a matter of fact, my parents had no idea I had the ability to understand Tagalog when I was growing up. I have experienced quite a number of incidents whereby I have made embarrassing revelations to some of my family members. It has been a habit of my mother to speak to me in English because she had always planned to move to the United States. Now that I'm here in the U.S., I had a few nasty surprises from several people of southern hospitality when I was in Texas, Utah and Mississippi.
What bothers me the most and is disheartening, is when family members speak ill of you in front of their friends believing I do not understand a lick of Tagalog. One incident in particular, was during the summer of 2002. My mother spoke in Tagalog to us in front of my child's father so she can judge him without his knowledge. I was taken aback and replied to her in English, "Who are you asking? Dad or me, because you know that none of my sisters can understand what you just said." She then spoke in Bahasa Melayu thinking I wouldn't understand since I failed my Malay exams during my educational upbringing in Brunei Darussalam. I was irritated by then, "I can still understand you with your attempt of speaking Bahasa Melayu in an incoherent manner. Instead of being inconsiderably rude, how about you ask him (previous spouse at the time) yourself as to why he chose not to eat pork? How do you expect me to respect you when you can't even respect other people outside the family?" From then onwards, my mother became self-conscious speaking different languages around me.
I do not intentionally embarrass my mother for a living. The fact of the matter was, she excludes herself from the parental instructions she dictates to us children. When the opportunity happens, it takes form on its own.
Unlike other times she accuses me of embarrassing her, there was an incident where I have defended my mother. This happened exactly 15 years ago in California. My sisters and I were being introduced by my uncle's father-in-law's friends of their family. He told one of his friends, in Tagalog that it was embarrassing to have an 'English-speaking only' grandchildren. He points to me while telling his lady friend that since I was born in Brunei, I lack the ability to speak Tagalog and that my parents were silly to move here to the United States since Brunei is a rich country. I was infuriated, but I held my tongue from vulgarity.
I scolded him in Tagalog and in English, "Pasyensia na po kayo (With all due respect), I was born in the Philippines. You do not know my parents or what their situation was in Brunei. First and foremost, you ought to be ashamed of yourself for telling your friend here, that you don't have grandchildren who can speak Tagalog. If you are disgusted by this, you should have at least taught them to speak Tagalog at your own time (he was retired and lazed around my maternal uncle's house). You should also know that it would be rude to speak in a foreign language when someone speaks to you in English. It also applies when speaking in Tagalog. If you have spoken to me in Tagalog, I would have gladly returned the favor. But you did not; because you assumed otherwise. (His lady friend's face started to widen with regret and embarrassment for staying silent in stopping from his disrespect rant towards his family.) My mother wanted me to speak in Tagalog; while my father wanted me to speak in Mandarin. Since neither one of them could agree, English was the compromised language I was taught to speak; even though they communicated to each other in Tagalog, I have picked up the language on my own. I have gone to school and learned how to speak and understand Tagalog too. Since you didn't ask, I'll tell you now that you are a disgrace for insulting your family in this manner." His friend was not impressed by my lack of respect, but she couldn't argue in return because I made a valid point. She felt like a fool for not stopping him with his disgruntled opinion about how his grandchildren are a disgrace to the family. He apologized to me, but I told him he should be the one apologizing to my mother and his grandson, since the insult was directed towards them. I do not know if he actually had done so or not. Needless to say, I have not been a keen relative to be around with. I can be brazenly blunt, poignant, and prudent at the same time.
Other than these newfound traditions I established in my household, I have also kept my family traditions of unity viable. The common similarity in the Filipino and Chinese tradition is that your elders are the foundation of family unity. It is why I call my household, "The house of Elders." Even though my husband is the second child, he is however, the eldest son of his household. My child is included even though they are the only child. As I have mentioned previously, the firstborn is expected to make things right whenever there is a family conflict, a family concern or there is a need of a family reunion whether it be a joyous or dilemmic occasion.
It has been a stressful journey trying to get my uniquely dysfunctional family to come together as one unit. Even though my mother wants to extend her own responsibilities through me, I respectfully declined. I believe she should amend her differences with her own siblings and her own mother because I am not her. She cannot live vicariously through me. I am an entirely different person. I do not have the same convictions she does. My faith is separate from my autonomy as a person, who identifies with others. I did not live in her past. I am incapable of reconciling those constraint familial relations she has. I know for certain that intervening in my mother's affairs would only make it worse.
I am aware that sharing my experiences to the public alone is heresy. If there are enough women who read my story, I'm pretty sure 1 of every 3 people, who read my blog, can relate to my past experiences.
I'm just thankful that there were certain things my mother and I settled in a civil manner. Unfortunately, in this current time since August 24, 2020, our relationship has grown static. Her inability to acknowledge my accomplishments as an audacious feminist, has left me to grieve our incompatible familial relationship.
Even though I live a thousand miles apart from California, I never felt closer to my sisters than I ever did growing up with them as we did in Brunei. We have our own lives to live. I was the extrovert of the 4 of us. I showed them that life has its adventures when you make it as your own. I'm proud of all of them. I can't I was the best eldest sister to ever exist in the history of my family, but I amended my philosophies to their view of the world. As all reasonable and growing Christian believers know, we take counsel of all walks of life. We allow God's Holy Spirit to guide us to the path of righteousness for His name's sake (the Messiah's name).
As for my father, there's another story I would have to tell some other time. It was a parting revelation when my father said he would have had a closer relationship with his firstborn if it had not been based on his family tradition. My father only wished I lived according to God's will. Since his view of me was portrayed by my mother's insinuation of me, I had to explicitly inform him of all my trials and tribulations as it was. A regret he took with him when he passed away.
As crazy as it may sound, I had a dream about him before his passing. This was about the time he was in a comatose state. In the dream, he did not announce himself. He had the illumination of an angel. The angel told me that I did not have to worry about my child, since he would be guarding them for the rest of their life. Little did I know then, that life was spared in the morning of January 2019. My child decided to play truancy. Since they were not paying attention to the rules of the road, they jay walked across the highway and was hit by a teacher on the way to school.
The angel continued, "I am proud of who you have become and the importance of your purpose to your husband. Listen to him and trust him. He is the chosen one." After what was said, I knew it was my father. Later that afternoon, my mother called me of my father's passing. She said to me, "I know your father is in heaven, because he is smiling and is at peace. He is with Jesus."
She was baffled when I told her I already knew about his passing long before she called to tell me of the news. At that time, I couldn't bear to tell her about my dream.
The last time I told her about angels, she called me an "exaggerating liar." She believes only holy people can see angels. I do agree, but non-believers can see angels too. She may insinuate that I'm too far from being holy. However, there is one thing that I do know. I do not have the notion to lie; especially when something as important such as this, happen out of the blue.
My child may have remembered my father for a brief moment, but they seems emotionally connected to him whenever I tell stories about him. Whatever it is, I'm glad they see him in a positive light.
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| Taken in 2002 |
I'm also glad my child has taken a positive attitude about the traditions I established at home. Hopefully, they would in turn share this with their own family when the time comes. It wasn't easy raising them due to their past experiences with my divorce from their birth father. I am certain in light of everything that has happened, I hope they will forgive me for all the things I have said and done that caused them turmoil and grief. I will always love them; even if they break my heart.
Published on 3/12/14
Edited on 8/30/22
