The Reluctant Artist: 2015

I've been listening to Pastor Steve Wiens for almost 3 years now (from his blogspot). I just got an email that he announced that he started a podcast.

I've also come to know this philosophy for several years: "An essential aspect of creativity is not being afraid to fail." Failure was what I was good at. Admitting my failure is a feat in itself. It was what my mother trusted me to do. Believe me, I learned more lessons from life than I did from her successes. Yes, I'm confirming that I did learn from her heinous mistakes.

After listening to his testimony, it only confirms that the way I have lived my life has always been in line with God's plan. I'm still a work in progress. The best part about my life is feedback from people; including my child and husband. Not many people I meet can tell at first glance, that I'm suffering from depression. I know what your thinking. How can someone like me with a fully blessed life be full of misery? I'm not miserable in a sense of inertia.

My depression stems from a chemical imbalance of serotonin and deficient in dopamine. This began from seeing too much of the harsh reality from childhood. I grew up in a domestic violent home. I was also married into a domestic violent relationship (last 4 years of a 7 year marriage). After my divorce and legal custody of my child, my best friend, who supported me throughout my struggles, proposed to me.

We've been married for 12 years now. I couldn't be happier. It's only been 8 years since I've learned to heal from my bad experiences. I'm grateful to everyone, who was involved in my life for being patient with me; except for my own mother. I never would have thought my success would be her shame. If she had met the people I've supported along the way during my healing journey, she would have been soaring with pride.

What I'm experiencing is an En Passe. I've done what I needed to better myself. My child has improved their demeanor because of it. I couldn't ask any more from God. The out pour of praise and thanksgiving to God's kindness towards me is endless.

As I have told my child from the beginning when they left for school, "Failure is not the end of the world. It's the first step to getting better at life. You have to make sure you learn from it. Otherwise, you have nothing to look forward to."

Unlike my mother, I concerned myself with the well-being of my child. I don't know what I instilled in my child then, but they have planned out their life since 5th grade. They knew what they wanted to be in the workforce, who they want to share their life with, and where they want to go.

Right now, I'm doing my best to continue connecting with my child. Be it as it may, it wasn't easy to raise them after gaining full custody from the divorce. I am constantly learning lessons that being human is normal. It's sad when you have to point out that their eccentricities are now the "in-crowd" thing to do. They need to learn to make the right choices in their life. Not for my sake, but for the sake of their future. I've already done much damage since they have witnessed my constraint relationship with my own mother.

I really liked the quote Pastor Wiens shared:

"I have to keep reminding myself that there is no set way. There is only mystery, change and 'what is'. My life would be so different; if I thought that all of it, was an adventure to be carved out, and created with no set way to experience things. Immediately, I'd be so much freer."

~ Paula DRC, "The gifts of the Red Bird"

Whether or not my mother reads my blog, my love never faded. Despite her insinuation of me being an asinine and obstinate ingrate, I love her the day she proclaimed that I was her ray of sunshine like a Sunflower in the storm. Sure, I agree that I was rumbustious child, but I was never vicious towards her. Defining me as such, is the stretch of her own imagination.

As much as my heart misses her, the reality only draws out the tension of our relationship. I try not to think much of my depression. It's not up to me to change her attitude. She can complain all she likes about how she feels towards the way I live my life. As far as I know, my lifestyle does not define my faith. I'm doing exactly what God wants me to do.

I am still and acknowledge God is sovereign
I am God's temple. I can't ink myself nor am capable of drinking alcohol anyway. I would get sick if I do.
I abide in Christ as much as Christ abides in me.
I love and trust the God of the Universe, whom Abraham made a covenant with
I love my neighbors as much as I love myself
I have never murdered
I remember the Sabbath and keep it holy
I do not bear false witness: meaning I don't create rumors or spread gossip; nor do I involve myself in slanderous stories
I have forgiven myself and now I am forgiven

Published: 9/1/15

Edited: 8/30/22

I'm actually in a good mood today. Be it far from perfect, I'm grateful to all the people in my life. Including my mother. There's nothing in this world that can change my love for her. In spite of myself, I have to humble my dignity.

My prayers have been answered. It's going to be a kick to my behind, but I've learned my lesson. Like a good little girl, I'll celebrate the life of my existence.

There's a saying that God works in mysterious ways. Be it far from mysterious, it's a wonder. I'm truly humbled. For those readers who have missed my previous blogs, don't fret. I shouldn't have let my emotions get to me. Especially when I'm angry.

I've always dreamed of living atop the mountain. If I ever get to be in such a foul mood, I'd climb the rocks to the top and scream, "WHY?!" Let all the bottled resentments drift into the wind. Maybe cry a little. Then reminisce my accomplishments. Nobody knows my inner struggles but me. I know this. As stubborn as I get, and adamant as I want to be, I will stand firm where I am. I have to also sway like the trees in the midst of the howling wind.

My storms are ephemeral but harsh. In most thunderstorms, I used to sit in the rain and wait for my sorrows to drown in it. With all the pollution, I can't sit out in the rain anymore. As much as I want to conserve water, I need to have the bottled resentments washed away.

I rarely ask for help because I don't feel justified imposing my negative vibes on people. I have written in the previous blog: Unnecessary pettiness [archived], "As passionate as I am artistic, I am able to look past the first impression and see through others like a prism. The brighter the person emits their energy, the greater the passion I reflect back towards them."

I now have to constantly remind myself that I have people I can look up to and turn to for help. I believe God led them my way for a reason. God, I'm listening. I'm here. Thank you.

Published on 5/4/15

Edited on 8/30/22