The need to reflect

There's a certain point in my life where I have to collect all my thoughts and reflect on them. The main reason in doing so, is to help me find the solace of my sanity.

As a Christian, it's very comforting to know that God is faithful to His words. It brings tears of joy to my eyes knowing that He still loves me - just the way I am; regardless of my short falls by other people's standards and expectations. To the world, I am never good enough. To the benevolent teachings of Jesus, the Christ, I am still a work in progress.

There are many things in my life I want to forget. I am bound with emotional memories that rarely fade away. It is as if I'm listening to heart-breaking songs in ad nauseam. I am fully aware of my flaws, but that is not my core personality nor is it my character. I find it frustrating when people, who declare associated loyalty and faith I have, tell me that I am a fraud. I should never have to explain myself in the context of religious faith. My relationship is with God; not the church.

My church consists of people who do more than just good deeds. They walk in faith by helping those who are less fortunate than they are. They do not wear their religion on their sleeves. They minister the Gospel by sharing their compassion and unconditional love to others regardless of their age, sexual orientation, gender, creed, religious background, color, ethnicity or social status. When they give, they give freely with a willing heart. This is the Grace I experience almost everyday of my life - witnessing God's work.

In God's eyes, I am forgiven; redeemed from my stubborn indifference towards the world. I don't have to work extra hard to earn points to have a place in Heaven. Jesus, the Son of Man has already paid that price. Through Jesus' resurrection, I am saved. Jesus, my Redeemer, Savior, Lord and Brother showed how much God still loves the world. How do I know? I experienced it. I've never looked back to those dark points of my life.

The dark points of my life growing up remembering the number of times I've been called "ugly," "stupid," "worthless," "insolent," "hopeless," "piece of shit," "asshole," "bitch," "whore," "demonic," "mentally retarded," "hypocrite," and "incompetent." Remembering crying every night to the point of micturating the bed sheets. No matter how hard I prayed the same prayer:

Our Father, who art in Heaven
Hallowed be thy name,
Thy kingdom come,
Thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven
Give us this day, our daily bread
and forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil
For thine is the power, and the glory
Forever and ever
Amen

... my life never changed. It wasn't until I decided to take my life. I asked God with a genuinely open heart, "If this is how a Christian life is suppose to be like, I don't want it. This was not the promise of good things as prophesied by your word. Everybody hates me including my own family. I don't need this. I give up. I'd rather die happy than having to live with Christians telling me I'm a sinner every single day of my life; and that you are difficult God to please because you only seek perfection and holiness."

Before I could manage a deep open wound to my arm, God sent an angel. In tears of remorse, I asked God to give me wisdom and strength to know what I need to be for Him. God led me to seek out elderly Christians who have experienced His Love and Grace. With that being said, I was baptized by the same pastor, who had performed my birth offering before God's presence. What better timing and testimonial could I possibly prove?

Did my life get better? Eventually. I know I was in God's Love and Grace because those people, who profess the same faith I do, call me the same labels Jesus endured during His ministry.

I may not be perfect, but I am wiser than I once was. I was 14 when I made a commitment to God's ministry. I never claim or profess that I was a better Christian. I am however, a better person than I was before. I listen better. I smile often. I hold my tongue from violent outburst statements. Even in the midst of my depression and anxiety, God always provides me the comfort of knowing I am still loved.

The only way I can give back to God is to do the same He has done for me:

Love the people of the world especially the ones who need it the most
Be Joyful in all the things the world has to offer
Be at Peace with yourself; embracing the One who sacrificed Himself for all
Patience is a virtue; there is a time and place for everything
Kindness to the smallest living thing can bring the biggest impact to those surrounding it; even if it was just moving a snail away from the sidewalk
Demonstrating Goodness not only abides in God's assurance, but also in the world's faith with humanity as a whole
"Through Faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God, so that things which are seen were not made of things which do appear, " Hebrews 11:3
Gentleness enlightens us with whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, to think on these things.
"... for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control," 2 Timothy 1:7

I have not mastered all the 7 fruits of the Holy Spirit, but that doesn't mean I've fallen from God's grace. You see, if these professed Christians have read the Bible from cover to cover, they would have realized by now that God's chosen people are the Israelites. We "Gentiles" are not in the picture. If it were not for Saul of Tarsus, a Roman Jew, we modern Christians wouldn't be here today.

So, before you fellow Christians out there try to profess and claim that your religion is better than those who do not subscribe to your religion, know that Jesus did you a favor for asking Apostle Paul to spread the good news to your ancestors long before Asia Minor became Turkey, Assyria became Syria and Persia became Iran.

Argue as you may, but I have done my reflection enough times to know that I am human. No human was made to live this Earth without food, clothing or shelter. It was the greed and selfishness of mankind to deprive others of the things that was already given to us.

My New Year's Resolution

Firstly, I would like to reflect on the things that happened to my life in 2016. I promise you - it's drama free.

I've been dealing with depression all my life. However, to be diagnosed with clinical depression took a toll on my perspective in life. It's not so much in the perspective that my life "sucks," but more intuitively how much the world has allowed the society of  schisms to expand their wake of hatred, greed, self-worth and biased pollution to the young generation of my future.

Growing up in the household of activists, I had believed I was fighting the good fight:- the fight save the planet; heal the world; share the love and make a unified peace. That was then.

After several weeks of attending therapy sessions about how to handle my depression and anxiety, I came to a conclusion that I have to be who I need to be. I need to be true to myself. I need to devote my time with my family. I need to be present when it matters the most.

After losing my job, I couldn't fathom being unemployed for the rest of my life. In all honesty, I am grateful where I am now. I'm going to make the best out of it. My family needs my financial support. I have 3 more years left to clear my credit history before I can move on to bigger and greater things. With the little resources I have for the moment, I know I'm making a big difference by improving the little things I am capable of changing.

I've never thought I would make a New Year's resolution. I was young at the time. I thought I had no need to do so. It's almost the dawning of the new year, I figured I would at least give it a try.

My New Year's resolution would be for me to go the extra mile - to lend more than just a helping hand. When I'm busy working on a project, I need to constantly remind myself that it doesn't have to be perfect. Whatever task I have begun has to be finished. I am overwhelmed with over 35 unfinished projects, in which I have accumulated since 2007. I need to stop making excuses too.

I know I am an emotional person regardless of the premise of being a woman. I can't change that. Whether or not I have implied or inferred something offensive or derogatory, I will openly discuss my opinion without prejudice. The only upsetting thing for me is when someone decides to impose an assumption that I may be deceitful or supercilious. Under certain circumstances, I can be; however, it is not my personality.

I will admit my flaws and limitations. It's not something I wear around my sleeves. I will always try my hardest and do the best I can with what I've been given. I have skills and talents, in which I can apply to any task. I was raised to do my job well and be happy with my accomplishments. I was taught that if I can't do a simple task correctly, there's no profit to gain by trusting me to take on a challenging task in the future.

Needless to say, whatever the future brings, I know I am not alone with the current times we are in now. I can't say I am fortunate. I am however, grateful to all the people I have met this year and to those who have stuck by me through thick and thin. I am also grateful to those who have taught me new ways of doing things I never thought of.

I wish you all a blessed and prosperous New Year. Cheers, to 2017. May the Force be with us all.