It comes without saying especially when relating with others, "When you have nothing nice to say, just keep it to yourself."
It may be far fetch to state that this statement alone gives anyone the right to inflict the 'Silent Treatment' on others, but I'll have to be honest. I tend to impose this habit on others. It was only today that I had realized this.
I'm in my 7th session of therapy. I believe it's working; otherwise, I would not have come to this realization. There is a deeper cause to my depression. I did not choose to become depressed. If you know how my life is now, you'd be wondering why I would ever be depressed at all.
Many of my classmates will tell you I was a very quiet person. During my youth, I was not much of a social and interactive person to be with. It was not because I was shy or afraid to say the wrong thing to embarrass myself in public. I was afraid of what would happen if I made friends.
Just the trauma I had been through watching my parents fight in front of their own friends was enough to keep me from wanting to make friends at all.
My lack of social interaction got to a point where the school had to state their concerns to my mother. My mother was encouraged to motivate me to take up extra-curricular activities at school. At my mother's behest, I made friends. It gave me enough courage to take up arts and crafts among other things: like sports. My mother was most concerned because I hung out more with boys than with the girls. I had my reasons.
My mother taught me needlework. My father gave me a library of resources on artwork and craftsmanship. On my 8th birthday, my father gave me a 5000 piece puzzle. I used to be so good at puzzles. Just looking at a puzzle piece now, makes me feel as if the whole world had decided to play a cruel joke against me. Don't get me wrong. I still love puzzles. I just have to step away from it for a while before I can continue where I left off.
I hung out with smart and creative people. I learned a lot. Even when things got pretty bad, I had friends who cared enough to wait by me. Even though it's still difficult to admit I had attempted to commit suicide 3 weeks before my birthday, I'm not afraid to share how I got passed it.
I was not truly academically challenged. My home environment had not been the best place to concentrate and focus on completing homework and school projects. The very moment in my life when I had achieved recognition being one of the top 10 students in class, I was not congratulated.
My world had turned upside down that day. Even at my best, I was made to feel ashamed. The very moment when all things could have been a celebration, became a dread. If it had not been for the kindness of a stranger, one act of showing compassion made a big difference. He found a first aid kit to wrap my wound up. He stayed the night (still waiting for his girlfriend, who was also my roommate, to come home) to make sure I was going to be okay. When my roommate arrived, he gave his explanation and bid his farewell. My roommate stayed beside me. She even offered to drop me off to school the next morning.
I don't want to give people the wrong impression that I'm a tactless wisenheimer. Surely, it's easier to say that people are not going to care what I say or do; let alone what I had gone through in my past. It matters to me because I lived through it. Was it the worst and most horrifying thing? No. Why do I care? Why should I bother? No one would give a damn anyway, right?
It's not everyday I want to or choose to be depressed. I had focused so much living in the past negatives, I've lost sight of those who have shared their positives with me. There are moments I do become silent for good reasons. There are moments when my silence becomes a dangerous warning sign. Even though, I've learned to turn my negatives into my positives, it's still a challenge to catch those negative and silent thoughts. Even if it took me more than 20 years to get over those negative thoughts and feelings, I still have to find help. I'm not saying it's an easy road.
Please do me a favor. When you see someone in "silence," especially me: ask - "How are you?"
