How I feel as a woman - in a nutshell

In one of my previous blogs, "What defines a woman," I iterated some of my opinions about how society labeled them.

I have come to a realization that my habits have succumbed to the societal nomenclature of the "Damsel in distress" syndrome. I never liked the idea of being a victim nor even want to have the notion of becoming one. Yet, here I am pondering in my devious little brain that it's all I've ever known from the time I was aware of existing.

I could give you a list of reasons why I hung out more with men than I did with women. But for now, I'll just state that I feel that men are less likely to feel "victimized" by women than they would with other men. I'm pretty sure there would be some men who might disagree with me, but all I am left with is my emotional state of contempt for being a woman.

I'm done playing the "blame game." I have always felt I could be so much more if I had been born a man. It wasn't always a constant reverie, but the notion stayed at the back of my mind. I understand now what my male friends have been nagging at me for so many years. If I could just dish out my hang-ups for whatever reason I'm holding them on for, I could be anything - an awesome human being to be with.

The resonating truth of my fibrous being is just waiting for me to do something about it. I am at a total loss on how to go about it. No therapy is worth the effort if I'm not motivated enough to commit to it. I'll be just wasting a talented skill of my counselor out the door.

I am capable of many things. I have seen the challenges I have taken. I have completed each challenge with a high rate of success. I have been very proud of my accomplishments. Nothing hurts me more than hearing people say, "It's not good enough." When it comes right down to it, I've honestly done my best. It hurts me because my auto response triggers the most obnoxious criticism from my subconscious. I am forever stuck feeling depressed and emotionally overwhelmed by the tone of how someone had criticized me. It gets pretty bad when my body starts to shake and tears welling up in my eyes because people start assuming that I have begun to look emotionally unstable. I may even look incapable of being a reasonable person. As we all know, assumption is a dangerous act to take when an argument has taken place. What they don't understand is, I'm trying to fight the other half of me from ripping this person apart with my bare hands. I almost did - once.

With that being said, I have come to a conclusion of how to explain my predicament. Imagine yourself living in a house full of mirrors. Would you want to continue living in it? How would you cope having to look every single day of your life into each and every mirror in the household? I am that mirror. Whatever emotion you reflect regardless of intent, I will absorb it. I will fight my hardest not to reflect it back ten fold. My therapist and counselor have advised me to take a step back and imagine myself holding a shield. They advised that building a wall will not help anyone; let alone help myself from becoming a better person in the long run.

I don't regret being a woman. I just wish I knew how to get over this feeling of being a victim in every adversity or whenever someone criticizes me with unreasonable prejudices. It takes me a while to differentiate constructive criticism from a biased one; especially when it's coming from a woman. Most women are known for subtle shrewdness. It's daunting for me if the aforementioned triggers kick in when the criticism is coming from a man; especially when it's someone older than I am.

I have taken precautions not to listen to my subconscious. It's not something someone should try to provoke me in doing. Even though I have taken steps to rely on my feelings more than I do my subconscious, it doesn't mean I am incapable of being a reasonable person.

Even if a woman such as myself is capable of putting my emotions aside, it doesn't change the fact that my limitations hinder me from accomplishing any tasks. I like to be challenged. It takes my mind off from wandering in the abyss of my depression. If it takes me to be this honest to allow me to be a better person around other people, then let me be. Maybe, just maybe; I don't have to feel being victimized all the damn time all because I'm a woman.

Edited 4/7/2016