Exonerated Freedom

I would be lying if I told someone that I do not believe in God. What matters most is how I live my life and how I treat others. Whether or not you believe my story, is up to your interpretation.

I am a Sangley. I was raised in a Filipino Christian household that was built on a generational system of enmeshment, patterns of abuse, such as manipulation, gaslighting, emotional neglect, and parental control. I was unaware of its existence until I started therapy in 2012.

Every past experience became an anecdote of precautionary tales. There are seasons when melancholy reverberates in my body. I am grateful to have medical support from the Veterans Affairs and other medical programs that allow me to practice health and wellness for my type of lifestyle. 

In my Bible study, whether alone or with other believers, I have come to understand what I need to change in my life and how to live it according to God's will. I cannot tell you what God's will is for you, since that is after all between you and God. In the case of not believing in God, not to worry — I got you covered.

I was raised to only love those who are just like me — Filipino Christian and rich. Much to my surprise, most Filipino Christians are hedonistic. Between 2010 and 2018, about 2% of the population identify as Christian in China. 78.8% of Filipinos in the Philippine Republic were reported Roman Catholic in 2020 census whereas 9.1% of the Malaysian population identified themselves as Christians while Christians in Singapore constitute 19% of the country's resident population. About 8.7% of the population in Brunei identify as Christian as of 2022. In my lifetime visiting these countries, 1 out of 5 Christians I met were followers of Christ, Jesus (Yehoshua ben Yosef).

In Jesus' sermon on the Mount Beatitudes, he stated, "You will know [my followers] by their fruits (Matthew 7:16-20)," which I find many Christians seem to ignore very often. King Solomon wrote in his Ketuvim, "Death and life are in the power of the tongue; Those who love it will eat its fruit (Proverbs 18:21)."

If I were to start my life all over again, this is how I would continue living:

• I would speak kindly of myself and others in a way that is respectful and honest. In the midst of conflict, I would inquire without passing judgment and assess the situation based on what is true and righteous. I would seek justice with empathy but not give access to continue toxic behaviors that violate one's boundaries.
• When it comes to children, I would listen and give ear to their heart's desires according to what is good and righteous. I would show them the respect they deserve — so that they may take to heart the lesson they learn. As they get older, they could live it throughout the rest of their life.
• I would offer truth to those who seek it genuinely. I will protect those who are persecuted, abandoned, forsaken, and oppressed. I will aide others who are in need according to my abilities. I will only offer my wisdom when it is needed. 
• I am willing to forgive those who trespass against me. I will offer my grievances honestly and respectfully. My hopes that I would be forgiven in the same manner. If not, I hope the current state of my demeanor is enough to compensate for the ill-doings of my past.

I believe God created me for a reason. Even though I was converted to Christianity out of ill-will, God saved me from it all — domestic violence and child abuse. God never planned for that situation to happen to me, but I can tell you that it could have been much worse if God had not intervened. 

When I became a born-again Christian, I learned every lesson with a lot of pain and suffering. It wasn't fun, but God was there with me throughout the whole process. The reason why my internet handle was created as "LAvenus79: The Reluctant Artist" in 1993, was because my gift of discernment was prevalent before I could understand what it was. 

I had a dream when I was 12 years old that I was flying over desert mountains. The mountains were red in color. I was called to protect the citizens from attack. I woke up to the sound of the clock alarm. During one of my therapy exercises when I was in my late 30s, a childhood memory I had resurfaced. Both times when consulting several astrologists for these memories resurfacing, stated that my birth chart involved the planet Venus and that I have a blue aura respectively. The times I was called, "demonic possessed heathen," became a moot issue because of what planet Venus signifies. In Hebrew, Venus is called, Nogah, which was associated with the female Babylonian goddess, Ishtar (Esther), and this is the source of the English name ‘star.’ Later, Ishtar became the Greek Aphrodite and the Roman Venus. There were several sources on the internet that lets you test what type of woman of the Bible you are. Sure enough, Esther showed up as my Biblical character. I know God said not to use mediums to seek out answers (Leviticus 19), but I was curious. Yet, God indulged me because I was drowning in tears of depression why these painful memories kept surfacing.

The few fond moments I had with my parents will be treasured forever in my heart. I wish they had the wisdom of Randy Alcorn, who stated in his blog, "The gift of discernment as described in 1 Corinthians 12:10 is having the ability to distinguish between spirits." When I was called a demonic possess heathen, I was utterly confused because why would a demon attack their own horde? I wouldn't know the answer since I've only ever dealt with one demon. It was emotionally taxing and scary at the same time. I was only 14 or 15 years old at the time. I've suffered sleep paralysis for only a few months at a time when I was in my late 30s and early 40s.

For the longest time I thought that I was an INFP: the Mediator. When I read that INFPs have a talent for self-expression, I knew something was off. When I took the test again, it turned out that I was a turbulent ENTJ: the Commander. Turbulent Commanders are more likely to feel pessimistic following a setback, and this can affect their decision-making process. It explains why I kept returning to suicidal ideation for most of my 25 years (1986 - 2011) with my mother. Around May and June is when those painful memories return, but the suicidal ideation isn't as tempting as it used to. 

Ever since I began Torah study with a Jewish community in 2018, my understanding of the passages in the Tanakh and the Gospels were right as rain. I can't say that I know everything there is to know because I never lived during the first century in Judea. The beauty of the struggle is, God will reveal truth in our hearts when we seek his wisdom earnestly. 

Love isn't just an encompassing feeling of emotion, but a state of being. Love makes human behave in ways that cannot be described simply with words. If I want to truly be free, I have to understand what love is on a deeper level than just my gut feeling. 

I want to love people not only with my thoughts, but with my heart and soul. I have to learn how to love myself first. I could recommend a number of people who helped me throughout my healing journey, but there are too many to list! I'll list the best ones:

• This Good Word with Steve Wiens: Reclaiming what's holy about our humanity
• The Naked Journal: Thoughts, musings, and meanings behind NakedPastor art
• Holy Hot Mom: Angela Shelton's 20+ years of healing trauma
• The Mentor Show: Healing Days
• One for Israel: Passover, the Feast of Freedom
• The Big Flop!: Misha Brown's podcast to unpack history’s most fascinating flops, frauds, and fiascos. He also wrote the book, "Be Your Own Bestie: A No-Nonsense Guide to Changing the Way You Treat Yourself"
• She Recovers® Foundation: Dr. Dawn Nickel and Taryn Strong who created a global grassroots movement in women's recovery

It's not selfish to love yourself. If you don't care about yourself, you cannot expect others to love you. Only you can be you. No one can be you and neither can anyone love you the way you want to be loved. Your personality will affect how and where you use your [spiritual] gifts and abilities. When you are forced to love another person in a way they want to be loved, it creates tension, discomfort, extra effort and energy, and produces choleric conduct between all parties.

How do we learn to love ourselves? As a Christian, it's an enigmatic thought process since the sages of organized religion focuses on serving others rather than oneself. According to Lori Windfelt, there are 8 ways to having a positive attitude about yourself.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=um3sUHV2H-E&t=1580s

During my cognitive behavioral therapy with the VA, moving your body, soul, and mind can heal all the pain that's bothering you. Depending on your passion, you can walk with your pet, dance with a friend, take yoga or martial art classes, or go to the gym with a trusted partner. If you're not the type who writes their feelings down, there are resources on how to find the best therapist in your area. I'm an artist who uses words and pictures to express my feelings — whether it be in painting, needlecraft, sculpting, photography, blog, or poem. It's been forever since I volunteered at a non-profit organization. I currently sit in front of the computer to donate to the cause rather than rally in venues. Ever since I caught COVID-19, my body gets extra winded after a 5 mile walk.

Aromatherapy wasn't a big thing for me when I was growing up because I was raised to believe it was witchcraft. Isn't soap to wash yourself considered witchcraft too? Since there are soaps that relieve eczema and hives flare-ups. I ended up buying a book on herbology to understand what plant benefits a particular ailment. I haven't had any recent eczema or hives flare-ups, but I do have a bottle of Aveeno lotion to alleviate the pain and dryness. I am currently drinking beet juice mixed with celery, turmeric, and carrot to help my liver stay healthy. I am at risk of having nonalcoholic steatohepatitis, but not hepatic encephalopathy.

Recently, I was recommended recreational therapy by my cardiologist since my hypertension was increasing rather than decreasing. It included activities like listening to music, somatic therapy, outdoor recreation, and creative arts.

I am overwhelmed by all of this information. I was never taught any of this. To find that the world has these valuable resources, it makes me wonder how many Christians are missing the mark. That is not for me to judge since I was isolated and oppressed for 25 years.

Resting is the most important part of being human — after all, God rested on the Sabbath. According to Sean Blanda, "People who embark upon sabbaticals typically have to figure out how to best use their time on their own." My kind of rest is going outside and immersing myself with nature. For my introvert relatives, I'm sorry if I ever imposed this type of activity onto you. I know now that I must go forth on my own adventure — maybe befriend a crow or a raven along the way.

When Christians think of mediation, their first perception immediately goes to Buddhist repetitive chants or demonic drones of Latin incantation with the devil (a fictional character created by the Roman Catholic priest). Jesus of Nazareth mediated on the Torah every day during his ministry. In every Gospel passage you will find that he sequestered himself alone or sometimes with Matthew or John when he needs them to write things down. King David wrote a whole epic (Psalms 119) on how he meditates on God's precepts, which King Solomon (Proverbs 4) and every other prophet emphasize to Israel and believers alike (Joshua 1; Romans 12; Colossians 3).

In Jewish tradition, reading and studying the Torah is essential to the Jewish way of living. Whether or not a Jew realizes how often God intervenes in their life, the concept of practicing self-love and loving kindness is prevalent in their lifestyle. Apart from Zionists, Jews struggle to understand the Torah's message since there are 26 mitzvots that only apply in the land of Israel. Rabbis such as Rambam, Jonathan Sacks, and Chaim Richman to name a few, have taught Torah in a profound way where every Jew must examine themselves before God and mankind. I would like to think that a Christian such as myself, should also uphold such characteristics — not only to free myself from the tyranny of darkness, but to also help fellow citizens from it too. 

Darkness is not only the absence of light but a concept in which the soul cannot outshine without having a connection to God or possessing other sources of light, such as fire. Darkness cannot consume God because God is light and love. The plants were the first living things to experience God's light and love. I've always spoken to plants, but I never told anyone else because my mother thought I was being ostentatious when she caught me talking to one of her trees in the garden. 

Since I recently discovered that I am an Esther, the light that shines in the darkness, one could only fathom my purpose here on earth. When the scriptures point out that love believes in all things and endures all things, let me be the first to say that I am becoming love restored.

If I can demonstrate love in a way you've never experienced before, than I shall praise the God of the Universe for freeing me in a way I never expected to be freed from - the cosmic void of eternal darkness - or what Christians call, "eternal death and damnation (not hell)." 

The kindness of grieving

 I had just finished watching the movie, "A man called Otto." It was apparently a remake of the 2015 Swedish film, "A Man Called Ove," which was based on the 2012 novel of the same name by Fredrik Backman. 

The movie left me heart-broken when Otto passed. Grief rewires the brain by triggering a massive stress response, causing a state of intense memory fog, memory loss, and poor decision-making, especially when the mourner was closely connected to the person who passed.

The last time I was grief-stricken was when my dog, Isis passed away in an accident. I will spare you the story because it still hurts when I talk about it.

Isis wasn't the only pet I lost. I had Brownie and Poochie who also died in unfortunate circumstances. I had other pets too, but these 3 dogs were very special in my heart.

People say that grief fades overtime. Maybe for the people whom you weren’t closely connected to the one who died. I was never close to my father. When he passed, it just felt like he abandoned me again — only permanently. 

I can’t imagine how my sisters must have felt. I try to be mindful of speaking about him. I remember the few moments when he spent time with me. He was never good at cheering me up — especially when my pets, Brownie and Poochie were murdered. 

I was angry for a very long time. I wanted justice. “They’re just animals,” they would say. They weren’t just dogs. Brownie, Poochie, and Isis were my birthday gifts and my friends. 

I had Brownie for a month, Poochie for 2 years, and Isis for a year. They cheered me up whenever I was beaten up and tired. They listened to me when I tell them why I’m sad or angry. Brownie was murdered because she was chewing on my mother’s shoes. Poochie was put down because the neighbor’s brother hated dogs. In Brunei, dogs are considered pests. They’re usually shot or run over on sight if found loose. 

I am aware that I am an emotional person. I get very sentimental when:

• Someone gives me gifts 
• Someone compliments me 
• Someone notices me 

Ever since the death of my pets, I was labeled, “neurotic,” “deranged,” “obstructive,” “disruptive,” “indifferent,” “melodramatic,” and “dangerous.”

It took me 30 years, 9 months, and 26 days to get my emotions in check. It must be nice to not have to experience such a grief so painful.

I find it ironic that people choose to empathize with a parrot who lost its lifetime mate to a medical condition than it is to show kindness to people who lost their partner, or their children, or their beloved pet. 

I love that Marisol took the time to make Otto part of the family — no matter how much Otto tried to avoid her. 

If someone had done me that same kindness, I wouldn’t have taken 30 years to love and connect with people again. 

To all the people I hurt, I’m sorry. I remember what I did. The damage I did that led you to leave made me feel bad. I do hope that you found love and happiness during those trying times to get over what I did. If I could make it up to right my wrongdoings, please let me know. 

If we are unable to make amends, then I wish you well and hope that you find peace and prosperity onwards. 

There’s no right way to grieve. When all is lost, there’s nothing to replace the hole in one’s heart. That connection is severed. When Lazarus died, Jesus wept. That’s all you can do. Let the mourner weep. Weep with them. Even if the mourner feels offended. 

I’ve been to several funerals — including my father’s. The only time that I’ve wept genuinely, was at Airman Brown’s funeral. He was only 25 when he fell to his death from rock climbing. His presence felt heartbroken. When it was time to pay condolences, his sister asked me if I knew him well. I confessed that I didn’t. She asked me wherefore the tears. I forewarned her not to freak out, but I explained that I felt his presence. He felt sorry for not being careful. He was looking forward to his visit with her and the rest of the family for the Christmas holiday. Oh, how she cried, “You spoke to him? Can you speak to him for me?” Oh no, I was not that kind of medium. I clarified that it was how the presence felt. She looked at me as if I had given her peace. She thanked me for coming.

The next time you see someone grieving, watch “En man som heter Ove.”

Kindness goes a long way, especially a smile or a “Hello”.

Unresolved chronic pain

​There are many people who have hurt me. The person who hurt me the most was my mother. 

A mother is supposed to love and nurture her children. A father is supposed to care and protect his family. Once I have learned how my grandparents treated my parents, I finally understood the reason for my desperation in being loved and accepted for who and what I am. 

I understand that when someone chooses to express philautia, there is a certain awareness level of observing what is good and bad around oneself. A necessary form of nurturing one’s body, soul, and mind. To lean towards the things that makes one’s life worth living. 

When philautia is attacked, especially when one is exposed to other people’s reaction to one’s presence, the risk of self-respect and self-care becomes the subject of ostracism. 

When character assassination begins at home, the family dynamic of compassion is non-existent. Words are hollow and actions are meaningless. 

I grew up in that environment since I was 5. I was fighting for my life and my identity. I was mislabeled for being rebellious when I wanted what any child needed — safety. 

Teenage suicide is higher in Asia than it is in the USA because of the system and social constructs built on silence to keep the peace. 

My mother forced me to emigrate here to the USA. I obeyed not because I had to, but because God promised me a better life and future. The more I followed God’s plan, the harsher my mother abused me. 

God does not consider abuse honorable, nor does He command children to tolerate, enable, or remain in abusive situations.

Ever since I can remember, my body was always in pain. There are certain seasons when the pain becomes debilitating and unbearable. I express my symptoms to my doctor. There are no evidence of scarring or damage in my body. There are traces of chemical imbalances. 

Eating foods that promote estrogen, oxytocin, serotonin, essential amino and fatty acids, vitamins, and minerals are getting expensive. 

Ultimately, corporations will control how you consume their products and require their services. 

I can’t fight the system wherein my mother’s generation has allowed to thrive for 2 decades. What I do know is that I can start building a home and a family based on the principles I was taught. 

Start my day with intention. Wake up to greet the sun. Thank God for my new life. Pray for healing and protection from any sickness and negativity. 

When my body begins to feel pain, I remind myself to heed my doctor’s orders: — Stretch, hydrate, and rest. Journal my emotions and feel everything with love, compassion, and forgiveness. 

When I forget to take care of myself, I pray for mercy, courage and strength. I try my best to be present in the moment. When mistakes happen, I ask for understanding and patience. 

The pain is present and inevitable. However, it is no longer debilitating and unbearable as it often was. Even though it comes in seasons, I am grateful nonetheless. 

I’m grateful to my new family and friends. I couldn’t imagine being here if it weren’t for your love and support. I know I don’t say it often enough. I love you infinitely and in abundance. 

Agape,

Beautiful Peace

The heart that matters

​Before the world began, water covered the expanse. 

A sound emitted through it and light separated the water from the deep and the expanse.

The earth emerged from the water below and sprouted all forms of vegetation and seed-bearing plants. 

The sun, moon, and the stars appeared in the expanse — one to dominate the day, and the other to dominate the night and the stars. 

The birds of the air, fish of the sea, and the creatures of the land came forth to fill the air, sea, and land respectively. 

In the heart of the Arabian Sea lies a story of a lost civilization. Some people choose to bury its secrets while others dare to explore.

I have chosen to explore because the story calls to my heart. The visions I have seen my dreams can no longer be ignored.

I have been called a lot of things. However, my words and actions are genuine. I am a chaotic neutral person because I enjoy engaging with the environment around me. Thus feeding off from people’s responses and the events that occur when I am present. I enjoy pushing limits to see how the world views me. I exercise my imagination whenever I seek new ideas and experiences. Whenever I am presented with a decision, I ask pointed questions to test others against my logic and reason. Hence, I can prove the most effective or realistic decision to a problem. Once that decision is made, I deal with the consequences as they come. Even though I prefer possible options in planning ahead of time, I always keep a mental checklist of options from the backup plans I prepared prior to making decisions.

I have been hurt a lot by many people — especially from the ones who were supposed to nurture and care for me.

I still chose to love. I don’t care anymore about how people treat me because I already know the truth:

Men are emotionless pricks and women are manipulative sadists.

The ones who dared to explore the mysteries of the universe, this message is for you.

Never allow anyone to erase your identity. If you’re still struggling to find out who you are, it’s okay. No one should ever give you grief for doing so. 

When a child is conceived, its heart is the first to develop. The brain and the spinal cord are next to developing alongside the heart. This is why the scriptures have been written: “You shall love the Lord your God, with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your might.”

A loving mother would teach their developing child during her pregnancy. This is why my child is smarter than me because I shared stories and music while they were still in the womb.

My first childhood memory was very unpleasant. My mother has deemed me demented and demonic.

I am not the only person in the early 1980s who has experienced child abuse and exploitation. There are still tens of thousands of children missing in that era in the United States and millions more outside the country worldwide. The Philippines is notorious for selling their children off to sex slave traders. 

I was only 12 years old when my mother decided to sell me to a rich 30-year-old disabled Christian Chinese man. My mother’s intention was to make me serve him well enough so that I could send my allowance from him to her.

However, my mother had forgotten that I was bound to a vow, which she bestowed to me when I was 7 years old. My bond was to protect my sisters at any cost.

So, when I told him why I couldn’t marry him (reason stated above), I also informed him that my mother wanted his money more than him being part of the family. In addition to that, I told him that my mother wanted me to ensure that his disability would be his greatest obstacle. His eyes opened wide. He told me that he admired my courage. He told my mother that I was a very smart child and left.

In my heart I knew that it was wrong to take advantage of people’s feelings especially when they don’t deserve to be treated with disrespect. Unfortunately, I don’t know his heart. He seemed like a nice man.

However, if he was willing to buy a child’s life — even if sex wasn’t his intention, would you consider him a good man?

You can never know anyone’s heart. The good thing is, that you can see people by their words and actions. 

When I was a child, silence was my punishment. I listened to people’s opinions and stories. The only time I was allowed to communicate was when strangers wanted to know about me. Even then, my mother would silence me whenever I share my experiences at home.

Dr. Turner and other psychologists told me that many people cannot value my story the same way I value mine. 

I began to search my heart and ask myself these questions:

• What makes me a good person?
• How are the things that anger me reflect who I am?
• What are the things that I value the most?
• Are these values genuine in my heart, soul, and mind?

The world needs healing. This I know this much is true. Healing starts with you.

If you are someone who wish to stay single, do so. Be the person you need to be. Do so in loving kindness and graciousness. God already gave that gift to you. It’s up to you to choose what to do with it.

If you are someone who wish to be with another, leave your expectations behind. Share your life as if everyday is an adventure. Adventures could be risky, fun, exciting, expensive, overwhelming, and sometimes frustrating. At least you can enjoy life wherever it takes you.

The tabletop role playing game, Dungeons and Dragons, taught me a lot about possibilities. “OMG! A CHRISTIAN PLAYING D&D!?”

Stop it. My faith in God hasn’t diminished. If anything, the game has taught me mental sums, which I couldn’t do so when I was younger. 

I was prescribed to make new friends. D&D has exponentially improved my social skills. 

If you are someone who wish to have children, please consider taking care of your heart, soul, and mind first.

Whenever you are in an environment where safety isn’t available, do not get pregnant. If you are pregnant, seek out the National Domestic Violence Hotline, planned parenthood or, the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU).

If you’re not able to leave, stay safe by following a safety plan. 

You are important as much as your heart, soul, and mind to the One, who calls you, “My Child.”

Do not end up like my mother. I knew her heart was lost the moment she endangered my sisters’ and my life.

Forgiveness happens when the ugly truth surfaces up and out of the open. My mother needed safety. Safety became an illusion to her when we emigrated here to the USA.

All she had was us. All I knew was violence. My sisters never knew I was being abused sexually, physically, mentally, spiritually, financially, and emotionally by our parents. My mother claimed I betrayed her and the family (my sisters). I couldn’t continue being treated like a serf.

I left California to enlist in the Air Force in 2000. Since then, my calling to serve God was apparent — a change of heart.

The heart that longs for connection. Even though God revealed himself to me that one fateful April 16, 1995, I was not prepared enough to take the time to surrender my life.

I was raised to be a Christian. No one in the congregation ever explained what a Christian truly was.

The King James Bible talked about Israel and her people. There were no Sangleys like me. For the longest time, I was made to believe that I should become like Jesus. Jesus was born Jewish. What is a Jew?

That’s right — all of the people in the congregation verbally abused me. I left the church and never set foot in one ever again. My heart couldn’t take the incitement of hateful bigotry and racism.

On September 19, 2021, I was accused of being politically disruptive towards the Bible study facilitator. All I ask was, “Why was it important to [her] for making [her] gay friend guilty for being effeminate?”

In Tagalog, there is a big difference of being “bakla (effeminate man)” and being known as a “silahis (gay man).” The intention of my question was to explain that they are human beings, who just want to live peacefully without being discriminated and mocked for being true to themselves. 

The irony of what transpired was the opposite of compassion (previous week’s Bible study subject). The Bible study was never the same again. I left.

God chose Jacob because he took care of his aging father, Isaac, and his ailing mother, Rebecca. Jacob was an educated and religious man. He became a faithful man when he wrestled with God. God renamed him, “Israel.”

Esau was known as a powerful man, who loved his father deeply. He was a passionate, and impulsive hunter. Even though he was highly upset with Jacob for stealing his birthright, Esau forgave Jacob wholeheartedly (Genesis 33).

Esau ruled Edom and became a chieftain throughout his days. Since Jacob was stricken with fear, he never saw Esau again. 

Relatively speaking, I can relate to Jacob’s fear. I have forgiven everyone, who has ever mistreated me — including my mother.

Despite all of that, she continued to demand to let her see me naked. Why?!

“If you love me, you’ll do what I ask! I’m your mother. You’re supposed to obey me and honor me!”

By demanding me of being naked? I’m a married woman. I am a mother too. My heart aches so much. 

There’s a part of me that misses the mother, who did everything in her power to protect me. The mother I’m currently dealing with, is not the mother I remember when I was 3 years old.

I am not bisexual because I was exposed to sex at an early age. She fingered me when I was 5 years old. She let her friends, the Cordero family have their way with me. I was sexually molested by this family of 3, who claim to be Christians. Those were traumatic experiences. 

There was a moment in my life where I lived on my own. The duration of living on my own was long enough to make me realize what my sexual preferences were. During high school, I met a beautiful young woman. It was like looking at a beautiful renaissance painting. I asked a friend if it’s normal to feel warm and nauseous at the same time when they have a crush on someone. My friend laughed and teased, “Of course, it’s normal.” Since she assumed I was referring to a guy I kept avoiding being in the same room with, I responded in kind. That was when I knew I was genuinely attracted to both men and women.

The moment I publicly shared what I was a decade ago, many Christians swarmed at me like they did Jennifer Knapp.

My faith has not changed or wavered. I’ve been through a lot, but I never lost my way. Sure, I stumbled and fell along the journey, but God kept his promise. God continued to lift me up, dust my clothes, healed my wounds, restored my soul, and renewed my strength.

My heart was dedicated to God when I was 3 days old. My parents, to say the least, gave me material things: food, clothing, shelter. However, they treated me like an adult when I learned how to walk and talk (6 years old). Throughout my adolescent and teenage years, the questions I asked were treated as rebelliousness, my silence was considered as indifference, and my compassion was mocked for naivety. They called me “stupid,” “retarded,” “foolish,” “heretic,” and “delusional,” by the time I became a teenager.

I still chose to love, honor, and obey my parents. When I told them that I needed to leave, my parents called me an “obstinate child.”

Only God can see my heart. I don’t need to prove to anyone that I am a good person. Every single human being have their own perception, opinion, and preconceived notions about the person I am.

My heart is true, but it is broken. My body hurts every single day. No doctor or medical science have a cure.

My soul is like a lighthouse and my spirit fires the lantern.

Since my heart is broken, it’s difficult to see the world in God’s eyes. God sees me as perfect, good, and beautiful. He wants me to be genuinely true to my heart.

My heart seeks death. I don’t want a new body. I don’t deserve to be in heaven. I know in my heart that the people, whom I love and care for isn’t going to be there anyway. 

Jesus said that his followers will be in the New Jerusalem when they follow the narrow road to the city gate. 

I am a social person by nature. I treat everyone as a friend. I’m the kind of person who will ride or die for people to hell and high waters even if it costs me my life. 

Since the journey to the narrow road has become lonelier, I don’t know how much more I can take being on this lonely road. It’s just me and the Lord on this journey now.

If you happen to meet me on the narrow road, please say, “Hi,” to me. It would mean the world to my heart.

God seeks mercy, compassion, and loving kindness. 

Where is your heart?

Blessed assurance

Where do I begin to tell the story of where my life began? The God who rescued me? How I changed my life? When I found healing?

Nobody wants to hear my story. Yet, here I am acting upon the human condition — the urge to rebel. I found out my core personality a couple months ago. I cried because of all the times I was mistreated. I prayed because I didn't know how to be. 

No child at their formative years should suffer as much as I did when I was younger. People tell me that I should be grateful because there are children out there who do not get to live past their 8th day after birth. DO NOT INVALIDATE MY FEELINGS! It only makes me want to destroy the world more than I care to admit.

The God of Abraham, King of the Universe, the living word and truth, who is love and light, came to me one April evening through a messenger — a humble Catholic teenager trying his best to live his life in a war-torn country. 

I asked God what I have done to deserve such an honor of His glorious presence to visit a young woman like me. I apparently got his attention when I said that he has permission to end my life with a lightning bolt. After I committed my life to Christ, Jesus, his only begotten son, my life changed.

4/12/1995 I was visited by God's messenger. I didn't wake up until Saturday morning. I was baptized on 4/16/1995 by Pastor Medina

My existence of trying to survive as a child in an abusive family, and as an adult from a turbulent marriage, should have left me for dead. However, I am free from spiritual torment and emotional oppression. My Exodus story that began in 2000 would make anyone cringe, feel angry, and demand justice.

In 1997, I attended a bible study class in a non-denominational church located in Petaling Jaya, Malaysia, that encouraged me to take an assessment. The assessment was made to determine what my spiritual gifts were. It felt dubious at first, but I was encouraged by the Holy Spirit to go ahead in taking the assessment for the sake of knowledge. For the sake of transparency, this church is no longer standing. I looked them up in the directory but could not find them in the list. 

The reliability of testing what spiritual gifts you have, is a subject of debate within Christianity. While no test can definitively declare your gifts, many reputable church organizations and ministries offer assessments that can serve as a helpful starting point. For the most credible and reliable results, you should use an assessment as a tool for self-reflection in conjunction with prayer, spiritual experience, or receiving feedback from your Christian community. The assessment should only be used as a tool for exploration, not a definitive declaration. If you're curious, I was led to select Lifeway's Discovery Tool.

My spiritual gifts each manifested itself in different times of my life. My gift of discernment was prevalent at the age of 7. Some people may call it, "intuition," but I felt more like it was a message that appears in my mind from time to time. The day I told my mother I saw an angel to let her know she was in danger, she called me "crazy." My mother's reaction to calling me, a seven year old, "crazy," for seeing an angel was very dismissive. Since I was not able to relay the message, my mother was eventually hurt. Being an ENTJ (a personality I discovered in August 2025), it was a natural response for me to think that it served her right for ignoring and dismissing an important message I had to convey from an angel. In my parents' household, during my younger years, I was forced to be silent unless spoken to.

My gift of teaching flourished over time. When my third sister was born in 1984, I began teaching my younger siblings how to avoid conflicts with my mother. I did everything I could to protect my sisters from my mother's wrathful demeanor. When the youngest sister was born in 1986, I prayed everyday to God to heal my mother from whatever pain she was going through. I had a strong notion that the youngest sibling would feel the emotional neglect more than the other siblings would. I prayed for my mother because was a battered wife for 35 years. 

My heart still goes out to my mother. She was married in the Philippines. The Philippines do not allow divorce even in a domestic violent situation. Even though the Philippine government implemented the Anti-Violence Against Women and Their Children Act of 2004, it still doesn't help a married woman divorcing their abusive husband and vice-versa. My father was hen-pecked by my mother until his death in 2010.

My gift of miracles only happen when I receive a message from God. Sometimes I am tasked to reach out to someone, or when I am tasked to go to a certain place, and to arrive in that place at a certain time. My first miracle happened in 1998 when a group of "evangelists" visited our college dormitory complex. I challenged the "evangelists" to evaluate their method of ministry. They left the premises dumb-founded. My roommates were grateful for standing up against their "good intentions of bringing the Gospels to non-believers." 

All I did was tell the truth. The truth is, Jesus said "Teach all nations — baptizing them in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit." He never said to shove the law and the gospels down people's throats or to threaten them with fear of going to hell. Jesus already made it possible for all nations to be in God's kingdom. Jesus said to follow Him.

On December 8, 2010 my college roommate and I found each other on Facebook. They testified that they became a Christian because of how I spoke of Jesus as my savior during that encounter with the "evangelists." I told them that it was probably God speaking in their heart. Jesus said there is joy in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner that repented. Rejoice I did.

All to Jesus I surrender

All to Him I freely give

I will ever love and trust Him

In His presence daily live

All to Jesus I surrender

Only at Your feet I bow

Worldly pleasures all forsaken

Fill me with Your love and power

All to Jesus I surrender

Burn in me now, sacred flame

Be my joy and my salvation

Glory, glory to Your name 

I surrender all

I surrender all

All to You, my blessed Savior

I surrender all

Judson W. Van DeVenterr, an art teacher and evangelist, wrote the lyrics for "I Surrender All," and Winfield S. Weeden composed the musical hymn in 1896. Judson wrote it after a personal struggle with a decision about his career, choosing to fully surrender his life to Christian service.

It wasn't until recently when this song played on Pandora, that my soul cried. The series of events around June that led me to read Pastor Rick Warren's book, "The Purpose Driven Life," couldn't be explained as just coincidence. Coincidences are viewed as a product of random, chance occurrences. One event led to what happened today. It was around August when I had to pause after I reached Chapter 10, where Pastor Rick emphasized that surrendering is a form of worship. What am I surrendering? My identity? My life? I gave my life to God already. What was I missing?

Around September was when I stopped at Chapter 21, "Protecting your Church," because the church never protected me. They abused me in many ways more than anyone cares to admit. Even though there was a family, who claim to be Christians, they sexually molested me when I was 10 years old. I was angry. 

Even though I never received my justice, I sought to find peace in my heart. The science of chemical imbalance when I was angry, and was always being on survival mode, I learned that the body communicates when it begins deteriorating. The first organ that died was my gallbladder. My liver is currently dying.

This must be what Pastor Rick was referring that I needed to surrender. Jesus said to do good to them which hate you. I cannot in my lifetime justify associating with another person proclaiming Christology as the basis of their faith. Remember, Jesus said to follow Him — not study him.

After reading Dr. Piero Ferrucci's book, "The Power of Kindness," I learned that forgiveness is not forgetting what transpired. It's compassion and mercy to exonerate the guilt and shame in which the transgressions have caused — especially with all those involved in the transgression. I realized that most people choose bitterness over redemption.  It's not something I can control. Since I am not responsible for making someone act upon their decision to hurt me, I acknowledge it is my agency to address the transgression as a means for redemption and reconciliation. Retribution belongs to God alone. Since the transgressor refuses to repent and feel remorseful, all I can do is pray for them and forgive myself for falling into the temptation of "wanting to belong," "to be seen," "to be heard," and "to be owed an apology."

My relationship with God was always scrutinized because these Christians do not see me praying to God in public, going to a church to worship and study the word of God, or volunteer in a missionary humanitarian aid. 1 Thessalonians 4:11-12 and 1 Timothy 2:2. written by Apostle Paul encourage first century believers to lead a quiet life by minding their own business, working diligently, and praying for peaceful times in all of society, which allows them to live with godliness, righteousness, and earn the respect of others. 

My missionary work is directed by God's will. It has always been that way since I devoted my life to Christ in 1995. All the church did was verbally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially, and mentally abused me alongside my parents during my adolescent and teenage years.

All the signs and wonders that happened in my life (1995 - current) is my living testament of my faith. No one can take that away from me. My purpose now is to open my heart again to others who have been hurt as much as I was. I will see their pain as it is. I will never make them feel any less.

Words are powerful. I have learned to be mindful of my thoughts and intentions. I recall a time when the Internet was released to the public in 1993. My mother was offended when I created an email handle: LAvenus79. She said I was promoting the enemy to influence my life. As an ENTJ, I outwitted her explaining that it was an acronym for "Lei Anne [is a] Victorious Evangelist [who is] Never Under Satan." She smiled and stated verbatim, "Oh, that's clever. I approve." God is the only entity who has authority over my identity.

I never claimed to be better than anybody. As an ENTJ, I have a tendency to be overly and critically judgmental. I don't act upon these type of decisions unless my immediate family (husband and child) or close friends (they know who they are) are involved. Even then, they rather I don't act judgmental towards others. I learned that my judgement should be based on truth and if the deed is detrimental to all parties involved.

During my healing journey, I reasoned with God — that if I am supposed to be in a community of believers, I asked God if it were possible to take me to a place where I could be among His people instead of looking for a church filled with pretentious believers and false teachers. On October 2018, during my last attendance of the Life Skills class with StepUp Ministry, a seminar led me to connect with a rabbi. I was warmly welcomed at Temple Beth-Or. When another song played in Pandora, I knew I had to write this blog.

I can confidently move on to the next chapter of Pastor Rick Warren's book, "The Purpose Driven life, Chapter 22: Created to become like Christ." I will now do whatever it takes to protect my new community at Temple Beth-Or. 

Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine!

Oh, what a foretaste of glory divine!

Heir of salvation, purchase of God,

born of his Spirit, washed in his blood.

 

This is my story, this is my song,

praising my Savior all the day long.

This is my story, this is my song,

praising my Savior all the day long.

 

If I told you my story

You would hear Hope that wouldn't let go

And if I told you my story

You would hear Love that never gave up

And if I told you my story

You would hear Life, but it wasn't mine

If I should speak then let it be

Of the grace that is greater than all my sin

Of when justice was served and where mercy wins

Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in

Oh, to tell you my story is to tell of Him

 

If I told you my story

You would hear victory over the enemy

And if I told you my story

You would hear freedom that was won for me

And if I told you my story

You would hear Life overcome the grave

If I should speak, then let it be

Of the grace that is greater than all my sin

Of when justice was served and where mercy wins

Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in

Oh, to tell you my story is to tell of Him

 

This is my story, this is my song

Praising my savior all the day long

This is my story, this is my song

Praising my savior all the day long

For the grace that is greater than all my sin

Of when justice was served and where mercy wins

Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in

Oh to tell you my story

Is to tell

Of the grace that is greater than all my sin

Of when justice was served and where mercy wins

Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in

Oh, to tell you my story is to tell of Him

Oh, to tell you my story is to tell of Him

This is my story, this is my song

Praising my Savior all the day long

Ever since I was taken under Temple Beth-Or's community, learning to apply how the Jewish community live their daily lives has made me understand the Torah and the Gospels (The Bible) rituals and commandments (mitzvot) in a better way. The epiphany of following Jesus' teachings reflects the Torah in such a surreal way that it has me yearning more connection to God's grace and mercy. Since the Jewish Temple was destroyed, the rabbis have compiled their understanding of God's word (Midrash) throughout the millennia to help the Jewish community live with purpose. Any person declaring that they are an expert in the Scriptures are suspect. 

I don't need to prove my faith to anyone that it will stand true against God's judgement. If I'm being honest, I already met mine. As an ENTJ, I will always find a reason to improve myself - I don't need others to fill my head with negativity and dim my light or destroy the love in my heart.

For God so loved the world, He gave his only begotten Son. Whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

God has taught me how to love myself. From that learning, my heart and soul was healed. I have been through a lot. In each suffering, I cannot see myself being bitter about every circumstance. When I was under my parent's household, I was not allowed to express myself. Ever since leaving them and the church they associated with, God has allowed me to express my frustrations, lament my grievances, and even experience disappointments of my expectations. For the first time, I felt human.

God wants everyone to know that what happened to our progenitor Adam, was not our fault. It is through Jesus, that we are saved. Whether you choose to follow Jesus or not, the decision is yours to take. I have decided to follow Jesus and willingly accepted the gift of love and life. I learned a lot more from God and His chosen people than I ever did under my parents' care and the church they affiliated with. I still pray for my mother everyday. I have forgiven the church for their iniquities. It's not my job to judge them.

My story is mine. My relationship with God is Jesus' work in me because I follow his teachings. No one will ever take that from me. That is my blessed assurance.

From the other side of the desert

The daily application of being human is to continue learning, evolving, adapting, and growing.

Many people have tried to silence my life story because it’s difficult to hear and accept. Key elements of a good story needs a character with strong motivations, believable personalities, and relatable goals to make readers care about their journey. 

I am Ye Li An Carliza Isorena Black. I am a living descendant of the Aeta tribe of Negritos island in the Austro-Polynesian archipelago.

Most Filipinos will tell you that I am a foreigner and an actor of great influence since I don’t exhibit any native characteristics. Filipinos are known for their hospitality and their sense of servitude. As a Mestizo de Sangley, I am susceptible to negative sentiments from native Filipinos who were fueled by foreign policy issues and the actions of recent Chinese mainland immigrants.

Despite my ethnic heritage, I have enough knowledge and wisdom to tell you that I understand every word a native Luzon islander would say in Tagalog since it was my first language during my formative years. Even though my paternal relatives speak Bicol and Fukian, I was never taught to speak it.

I was coerced to speak in English at the age of 5. I struggled a lot with communication and expressing myself because my brain is still in Tagalog mode. The method I was taught to learn English was by reading a novel and a dictionary on my 5th birthday. 

The novel was “Little Women.” My favorite character was Josephine. She was a spirited, independent, and ambitious young woman, who defied the traditional gender roles of her time. Jo is known for her strong will, love of writing, and desire to make a name for herself in the world. I wanted to be like her.

When I was coerced into Christianity, women like Ruth, Esther, Jacobed (Yakobay), and Rahab, inspired me to become my own person. However, I was considered a rebel. I was severely punished by simply being a curious child. It was only recently in July that I learn I am an ENTJ.

I admit I was harshly judging my family and relatives about how they treated me. Firstly, if I was held at the highest standards of religious piety and moral conduct, it should only be fair that they hold themselves to the same standards. It has taken me 33 years (1992 - 2025) to arrive at the conclusion that nobody on this planet knows what they're doing.

When I was living with my parents, I was always severely punished for saying these words:

• I'm sorry
• I don't know
• But
• Because
• I don't understand
• I didn't

I was also severely punished for doing these things:

• sneezing
• snoring
• sitting down to rest
• farting
• burping
• soaking the bath mat after taking a bath
• wiping dirt on the doormat
• blowing my nose into a napkin
• dragging my feet
• wearing short pants under my skirt
• climbing a tree
• playing with insects, reptiles, amphibians, and arachnids

When I became a mother, I knew I had to change my behavior. The first 7 years were challenging because my attention was focused on my duties as a wife. I did my best to be the connected parent to my child despite my pre-existing condition of PTSD. 

“You cannot lead a child to a place of healing if you do not know the way yourself.”

― Dr. Karyn Purvis

After my divorce, I needed to find myself social support to practice self-compassion. I have a co-worker, who has seen a change in my behavior, created an inside joke about other employees "needing Jesus," just like me. The joke has since retired when I was promoted to manager. 

The quote "To err is human, to forgive, divine" by Alexander Pope, emphasizes making mistakes is a natural part of being human, but by offering forgiveness, it becomes a virtue associated with divinity.

As Jesus (Yeshua ben Yosef) taught his disciple, Simon Peter, “I say not unto thee, until seven times: but, until seventy times seven.” In Hebrew school of thought, 70 x 7 is the perfection of mercy. It took me 39 years (1986 - 2025) to finally understand what Matthew 18:22 meant. My desire to connect with Abraham’s descendants was more than surreal. It is an experience to behold. They are the light-bearers of spirituality and leaders of total surrender of the divine. They taught me how to think outside of my preconceived notions, and to challenge those who defy justice and truth. 

“If kindness has falseness at its base, it is no longer kindness. It is labored courtesy.”

― Dr. Piero Ferrucci

As James ben Zebedee wrote in his book on chapter 1, my faith in the Messiah and commitment to following the perfect law of liberty, I must be a good listener, slow to express my opinions, slow to wrath, to never bear false witness and to never err in my deeds.

During my therapy I learned a lot of things about my ailments. I found out I was partially dyslexic. My ability to process information is primarily a problem with language processing, specifically connecting sounds to letters. That's why it is better for me when teachers demonstrate or give visual examples of a lesson. As a kinesthetic learner, I need to touch, repeat, and rehearse the workflow or process, to significantly improve learning and memory. 

I used to get highly upset when people don't remember the efforts I've made to accomplish a task. Dr. Turner made me realize that my preconceived notion must adapt to the world around me. She was surprised that I was accepting of the nuance with Cognitive Behavioral therapy. When I informed Dr. Turner that I was a Christian, she listened and recommended that I speak to a Chaplain. I hope the Chaplain forgives me for not remembering his name. I, however, remember his face. 

Desist, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted upon the earth. ― Psalms 46:11

I needed to understand what should have happened and what went wrong with my ability to function as a human being. I was comforted to know that I was never broken. Dr. Given informed me that my type of depression was clinical. My serotonin was so low that my body was set on survival mode. I weighed at 140 lbs. from 2007 to 2017.

2007 vs. 2017 (no filter)

https://byjus.com/neet/stress-hormones/

That fat belly is due to cortisol (2020)

I needed to learn to accept my struggles and be okay with imperfection. As a turbulent ENTJ, I needed to treat myself with the same kindness I would a friend or a child. Now weighing at 130 lbs., I haven't recovered from COVID-19 completely. I'm always short of breath, fatigued, suffering from insomnia once more, constant muscle aches on top of my polyarthralgia, hypertension, elevated liver function levels, vertigo, clinical depression, and chronic anxiety due to PTSD.

Before I contracted COVID-19 (2018)

There are some days when I don't feel like myself. When I feel like myself, I tend to:

• Get excited when I meet a friend, acquaintance, or family member
• Rejoice when someone shares their personal experience with me
• Celebrate when someone announce an accomplishment, a special event, or something wonderful happened in their life
• Get excited when someone asks me for help
• Get excited when someone wants to hang out with me
• Celebrate when someone compliments me. Dr. Turner suggested that I invite others to join me in the celebration. I've learned to keep this as a personal tradition.
• Get excited when I'm included in a special occasions someone enjoys. Dr. Turner suggested that connecting with people means to celebrate in other's personal interests even if it doesn't fit my vibe. When I was younger, I was always excluded.
• Feel appreciated when someone notices my efforts of improving myself
• Feel grateful when someone veraciously makes me accountable for my words and actions. As a growing assertive ENTJ, I have an easier time mastering my state of mind by reflecting on my behavior. In this manner, I can apply the tools I learned from my Cognitive Behavior therapy.

Dr. Turner gave me tools to employ safe strategies so as to empower my body in replenishing my serotonin levels that can allow me to learn self-care in a wholesome way. By doing so, I can be a wholesome human being loving and accepting myself just as I am.

I may not be perfect now, but I am living proof of transformation and renewal. Nothing can ever take that experience away from me.

Finding truth in adversity

Drafted on 3/22/25; 3:07 PM

Gossip is the unauthorized spread of rumors, often motivated by malice or for personal gain, with the intent to harm someone's reputation or relationships. In contrast, testimony is a formal statement of truth, given under oath in a legal or religious setting, with the purpose of providing accurate facts and evidence to establish the truth about a matter.

It has been 40 years since I survived domestic violence. Many people have been trying to silence me from telling my story. I admit I was angry. My eczema condition flared, my migraines were unbearable, my hypertension increased, and my liver started dying. Losing my gallbladder was not only a wake up call, but a reminder that I needed to bring myself forward to understanding God’s will for me.

The only way I knew how was to reach out to God’s people. I was young and naive — not knowing how to connect and communicate well with others. I approached a co-worker once when I learned she is of Jewish descent. She grew weary of me believing I was going to convert her. I prayed to God to help me because it was never my intent.

In the autumn of 2018, God answered my prayers. I was invited to attend a conference sponsored by StepUp Ministry. It was where I met Rabbi Dinner, who introduced me to the Torah Bible study group. They have welcomed me with open arms. I am now part of their community.

In Hebrew, the number 40 symbolizes a significant period of time where testing, trial, probation, and transformation happens.

I was 42 when I experienced total silence from hearing my mother’s voice echoing through my soul. It was a wonderful feeling not having to listen to her toxic words.

She has always gossiped behind my back. Even though I testified my story to stop the rumors, my mother retaliated with harsher words no child should ever hear from their parent: “I wish you were never born.”

Fortunately for her, she has other children. Even though I was her firstborn, I was treated like an outcast.

Nevertheless, I did what any child would do for their parent: love unconditionally despite enduring detrimental and toxic treatments of my wellbeing.

It has been 5 years since I grieved the relationship between myself and my mother.

In Hebrew, the number 5 symbolizes God’s grace and goodness, which ties to the Hebrew word, “Hey” (ה meaning behold or breath) seen in the Pentateuch (Torah) to signify the 5 offerings required for sin and atonement (Leviticus 1 - 7).

This is also significant to the 5 loaves of bread Jesus blessed to feed the 5,000 people demonstrating God’s consistent grace and divine provision.

People say it takes 5 years to get to know someone. Relationships take time in building deeply meaningful and connected time together.

After the nurse handed my baby into my arms, I knew they were going to be smarter and more tenacious than I ever was. They have the same bright-eyed wonder when I was in my formative years.

My gift of discernment was never welcomed at my parents’ house. They saw it as arrogance and defiance. Despite how my parents treated me, I never treated my child the way my parents did. Other adults my parents’ age stated that not many couples at 25 would know what to do with children in the Golden Atomic Age of Capitalism. Mao Zedong was a prominent figure in Chinese politics during this decade, serving as the Chairman of the Chinese Communist Party and the first State Chairman of the People's Republic of China from 1954 to 1959. By the time I was born, my parents’ preconceived notions were to see to the children’s wellbeing until they’re old enough to take care of the family and the community.

As the firstborn child, I had to learn how to manage my anger. An emotion that needs to be addressed in the light rather than in the darkness. Many therapies sought to repress my anger, but with the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, they showed me how to acknowledge the feelings that caused the emotion to fester. Asking myself questions was how I stopped feeling invalidated.

Yes, I do get angry when people mistreat me — who doesn’t? That doesn’t give me the right to be violent towards the sadist. I admit — there were temptations in jamming a pencil in my parents’ eyes. I heard stories of American children killing their parents. As horrible as it sounds, I understand where they’re coming from. 

People don’t realize children are humans too. According to Wikipedia, discipline is the self-control that is gained by requiring that rules or orders be obeyed, and the ability to keep working at something that is difficult. That makes so much sense to me than the Webster's definition: "the practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behavior, using punishment to correct disobedience." In Jim and Lynne Jackson's book, "Discipline that connects with your child's heart," they emphasized 4 essential messages:

1. You are safe with me
2. You are loved no matter what
3. You are called and capable
4. You are responsible

After reading this chapter, my heart ached, grieved, and sighed with relief. Despite being ridiculed by my parents when I informed them that I was required to take parenting classes after childbirth, I stood by the lessons I learned from that parenting class. Since Utah is a Mormon state, I was relieved that Jim and Lynne had come to the same conclusion that children should learn the fundamentals of self-care, self-regulation, self-reliance, resourcefulness, critical thinking, leadership skills, communication skills, moral and ethical values.

I had to learn all of these things at 23. By golly did my child teach me a lesson about self-control. I truly did my best to be the best mother and wife I could be for the family. I learned a very valuable lesson about leaving your parents out of your family’s lives.

Filipino parents will never consider their children adults. Yet, they coerce them to matrimony and contributing to the Filipino economy and community.

The moment I started setting boundaries for the sake of my family, my parents created rumors that I married a white supremacist, who has held me against my will and inculcated me to denounce my ethnicity.

If I could share wonderful stories about my parents, I would gladly do so in a heartbeat. My previous and current spouse were both private people. They both advised me against testifying against the rumors without provocation.

I wish I had an outlet. I miss my pets. All I have are stuffed animals. I speak audibly to inanimate objects just to clear my headspace. Even then, connecting with someone to have a shoulder to lean and cry on is scarcely possible.

The only option I have left is God. It matters not what I’m doing. I am in constant communication with Him — from the time I wake up in the morning until the time I go to bed.

You don’t need to subscribe to a religion to talk to God. It is written in the scriptures that whoever calls upon his name, he will come to them. Whether or not you believe in his son, Jesus (Yeshua/Isa), you cry and call out his name when you’re in trouble, his right hand will redeem you from harm. It becomes a different story if you ask God for things you desire in your life. A concept not many christians are willing to acknowledge and adhere to.

My point is that if you desire a good relationship and a healthy life, start with your own path of self-development and spirituality. There is no such thing as a “Jesus culture”. You’re either Jewish or a Gentile.

If being Jewish is not the path you want to go, then stop being wicked. By wicked, I mean intentionally harming others, especially being sadistic, apathetic, greedy, arrogant, selfish, and ignorant.

Just as Paul of Tarsus wrote to the church of Corinth, “When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. But when I became a man, I put away childish ways.” To this point, both Moses and Prophet Isaiah told the people of Israel that the promised land where their children will go, would have no knowledge of good or evil. You will find a child who shall know to refuse the evil, and choose the good. All your children shall be taught by the Lord, and great shall be the peace of your children

In Proverbs 22:6, the author emphasized, to train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old, he will not depart from it.

If you ever plan to have children, please treat them the same way you would want to be treated. Love them unconditionally, be patient with them when they struggle, guide them through obstacles, and celebrate their victories. The moment you treat them with respect and compassion, you have created a wholesome human being.

To be wholesome is becoming in tune with your emotions and the world around you. You are connected with the universe both in its natural chaos and order. When you are one with the universe, everything makes sense.

Wholesome humanity

I am writing this because I have finished watching the movie, “Mickey 17.”

The humanity of being a wholesome individual is not as complex as society makes it to be.

The Jewish text used to be an oral tradition, she-ba’al peh. The Mishnah formed the Talmud. In Matthew’s account Jesus said that the Halachot must be obeyed (Matthew 23).

Since Mickey 17 was a clone, does his soul get transferred too?

My mother has a burnt scar on her right arm. I have the exact mark on my right arm, but as a birthmark. I had a childhood injury that fractured my tailbone and left hip. My child has a birthmark that represents the same childhood injury. Could my child and I be possibly clones of my mother?

If that were the case, then Mickey 17 was a child of Mickey 16. We have the medical technology now to replicate cells. Can those replicated cells be considered ethical and humane?

The reason why Mickey signed up to be an “Expendable,” because he had nothing to beholden to until Natasha came into his life. He regretted his decision but he made a commitment of fulfilling the contract he signed up for.

If anyone can be as committed as Mickey in spite of the ill-fated circumstances, would anyone bat an eye to commend him?

Where does society draw the line of who gets to live or die?

Multiple cultures, including pre-Columbian Mesoamerican civilizations like the Aztec, Inca, or Maya, and ancient Near Eastern cultures, such as the Phoenician, or Carthaginian, have been documented to have practiced human sacrifice, including that of women and children.

Is it really so bad that the Hebrews decided to live holier lives than the rest of the world? The more I study their history, the more I understand where society (non-Jews) took an ugly turn for the worst.

There were 3 brothers. Shem, Ham, and Japheth. They were surrounded by descendants of Adam's son Seth (“sons of God”), and the "daughters of men" were from the line of Cain, who rebelled against God by murdering his brother, Abel. 

In Noah's day there were essentially no righteous people, from any line. It was discussed in the Jewish commentaries that Ham might have castrated Noah and possibly could have had sexual relations with his mother, which led to curse Canaan, who was set to be an indentured servant for the rest of his life (Genesis 9: 20-27).

The early modern biblical division of the world's "races" into Semites, Hamites, and Japhetites was coined at the Göttingen school of history in the late 18th century, in parallel with the color terminology for race which divided mankind into five "colored" races:

1. "Caucasian or White",
2. "Mongolian or Yellow",
3. "Aethiopian or Black" (Cushite),
4. "American or Red",
5. "Malayan or Brown"

The Torah's narrative centers on the ancient Near East were specifically the Levant, Egypt, and Mesopotamia.

As we understand in Science today, living cells survive by obtaining energy and nutrients, eliminating waste, maintaining homeostasis, and adapting to their environment through their DNA. They also require a constant supply of energy to maintain biological order and carry out metabolic reactions. Sugars are particularly important fuel molecules, and they are oxidized in small steps to carbon dioxide (CO2) and water. 

Anaerobic organism is any organism whose redox metabolism does not depend on free oxygen. The sea floor is possibly one of the largest accumulation of anaerobic organisms on Earth, where microbes are primarily concentrated around hydrothermal vents. These microbes produce energy in absence of sunlight or oxygen through a process called chemosynthesis, whereby inorganic compounds such as hydrogen gas, hydrogen sulfide or ferrous ions are converted into organic matter.

The "cycler" mentioned in the movie was a processing machine filtering organic matter composed of carbon-based compounds including excretion due to various stages of decay. 

Even if it's possible to replicate memories, could Mickey 17 still have a soul? In the Torah, the soul, often translated as "nephesh" or "neshamah," which is considered a divine breath of life that animates and sustains human existence. The concept of the soul is explored through the creation narrative in Genesis, where God breathes the "breath of life" into Adam, making him a living being. Who was breathing through Mickey 17's lungs or was there a reason why it takes him a while to wake up? Is it for the body to gain consciousness to take a breath?

I did not see any mechanical ventilation for the lungs to naturally take in oxygen for it to transfer it to the bloodstream, which then delivers it to the rest of the body. We all know that the lungs are a vital organ that works in coordination with the respiratory system to facilitate this process.

Even if it's possible for Mickey 17 to be alive, self-aware and sentient, could the soul return from where it left the body in the first place?

I think it's wonderful to see where science is moving. Maybe one day I could have a replicated brain that doesn't have all the bad stuff that happened to me. Even if it were possible to get a replacement brain, would I technically be someone else?