Blessed assurance

Where do I begin to tell the story of where my life began? The God who rescued me? How I changed my life? When I found healing?

Nobody wants to hear my story. Yet, here I am acting upon the human condition — the urge to rebel. I found out my core personality a couple months ago. I cried because of all the times I was mistreated. I prayed because I didn't know how to be. 

No child at their formative years should suffer as much as I did when I was younger. People tell me that I should be grateful because there are children out there who do not get to live past their 8th day after birth. DO NOT INVALIDATE MY FEELINGS! It only makes me want to destroy the world more than I care to admit.

The God of Abraham, King of the Universe, the living word and truth, who is love and light, came to me one April evening through a messenger — a humble Catholic teenager trying his best to live his life in a war-torn country. 

I asked God what I have done to deserve such an honor of His glorious presence to visit a young woman like me. I apparently got his attention when I said that he has permission to end my life with a lightning bolt. After I committed my life to Christ, Jesus, his only begotten son, my life changed.

4/12/1995 I was visited by God's messenger. I didn't wake up until Saturday morning. I was baptized on 4/16/1995 by Pastor Medina

My existence of trying to survive as a child in an abusive family, and as an adult from a turbulent marriage, should have left me for dead. However, I am free from spiritual torment and emotional oppression. My Exodus story that began in 2000 would make anyone cringe, feel angry, and demand justice.

In 1997, I attended a bible study class in a non-denominational church located in Petaling Jaya, Malaysia, that encouraged me to take an assessment. The assessment was made to determine what my spiritual gifts were. It felt dubious at first, but I was encouraged by the Holy Spirit to go ahead in taking the assessment for the sake of knowledge. For the sake of transparency, this church is no longer standing. I looked them up in the directory but could not find them in the list. 

The reliability of testing what spiritual gifts you have, is a subject of debate within Christianity. While no test can definitively declare your gifts, many reputable church organizations and ministries offer assessments that can serve as a helpful starting point. For the most credible and reliable results, you should use an assessment as a tool for self-reflection in conjunction with prayer, spiritual experience, or receiving feedback from your Christian community. The assessment should only be used as a tool for exploration, not a definitive declaration. If you're curious, I was led to select Lifeway's Discovery Tool.

My spiritual gifts each manifested itself in different times of my life. My gift of discernment was prevalent at the age of 7. Some people may call it, "intuition," but I felt more like it was a message that appears in my mind from time to time. The day I told my mother I saw an angel to let her know she was in danger, she called me "crazy." My mother's reaction to calling me, a seven year old, "crazy," for seeing an angel was very dismissive. Since I was not able to relay the message, my mother was eventually hurt. Being an ENTJ (a personality I discovered in August 2025), it was a natural response for me to think that it served her right for ignoring and dismissing an important message I had to convey from an angel. In my parents' household, during my younger years, I was forced to be silent unless spoken to.

My gift of teaching flourished over time. When my third sister was born in 1984, I began teaching my younger siblings how to avoid conflicts with my mother. I did everything I could to protect my sisters from my mother's wrathful demeanor. When the youngest sister was born in 1986, I prayed everyday to God to heal my mother from whatever pain she was going through. I had a strong notion that the youngest sibling would feel the emotional neglect more than the other siblings would. I prayed for my mother because was a battered wife for 35 years. 

My heart still goes out to my mother. She was married in the Philippines. The Philippines do not allow divorce even in a domestic violent situation. Even though the Philippine government implemented the Anti-Violence Against Women and Their Children Act of 2004, it still doesn't help a married woman divorcing their abusive husband and vice-versa. My father was hen-pecked by my mother until his death in 2010.

My gift of miracles only happen when I receive a message from God. Sometimes I am tasked to reach out to someone, or when I am tasked to go to a certain place, and to arrive in that place at a certain time. My first miracle happened in 1998 when a group of "evangelists" visited our college dormitory complex. I challenged the "evangelists" to evaluate their method of ministry. They left the premises dumb-founded. My roommates were grateful for standing up against their "good intentions of bringing the Gospels to non-believers." 

All I did was tell the truth. The truth is, Jesus said "Teach all nations — baptizing them in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit." He never said to shove the law and the gospels down people's throats or to threaten them with fear of going to hell. Jesus already made it possible for all nations to be in God's kingdom. Jesus said to follow Him.

On December 8, 2010 my college roommate and I found each other on Facebook. They testified that they became a Christian because of how I spoke of Jesus as my savior during that encounter with the "evangelists." I told them that it was probably God speaking in their heart. Jesus said there is joy in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner that repented. Rejoice I did.

All to Jesus I surrender

All to Him I freely give

I will ever love and trust Him

In His presence daily live

All to Jesus I surrender

Only at Your feet I bow

Worldly pleasures all forsaken

Fill me with Your love and power

All to Jesus I surrender

Burn in me now, sacred flame

Be my joy and my salvation

Glory, glory to Your name 

I surrender all

I surrender all

All to You, my blessed Savior

I surrender all

Judson W. Van DeVenterr, an art teacher and evangelist, wrote the lyrics for "I Surrender All," and Winfield S. Weeden composed the musical hymn in 1896. Judson wrote it after a personal struggle with a decision about his career, choosing to fully surrender his life to Christian service.

It wasn't until recently when this song played on Pandora, that my soul cried. The series of events around June that led me to read Pastor Rick Warren's book, "The Purpose Driven Life," couldn't be explained as just coincidence. Coincidences are viewed as a product of random, chance occurrences. One event led to what happened today. It was around August when I had to pause after I reached Chapter 10, where Pastor Rick emphasized that surrendering is a form of worship. What am I surrendering? My identity? My life? I gave my life to God already. What was I missing?

Around September was when I stopped at Chapter 21, "Protecting your Church," because the church never protected me. They abused me in many ways more than anyone cares to admit. Even though there was a family, who claim to be Christians, they sexually molested me when I was 10 years old. I was angry. 

Even though I never received my justice, I sought to find peace in my heart. The science of chemical imbalance when I was angry, and was always being on survival mode, I learned that the body communicates when it begins deteriorating. The first organ that died was my gallbladder. My liver is currently dying.

This must be what Pastor Rick was referring that I needed to surrender. Jesus said to do good to them which hate you. I cannot in my lifetime justify associating with another person proclaiming Christology as the basis of their faith. Remember, Jesus said to follow Him — not study him.

After reading Dr. Piero Ferrucci's book, "The Power of Kindness," I learned that forgiveness is not forgetting what transpired. It's compassion and mercy to exonerate the guilt and shame in which the transgressions have caused — especially with all those involved in the transgression. I realized that most people choose bitterness over redemption.  It's not something I can control. Since I am not responsible for making someone act upon their decision to hurt me, I acknowledge it is my agency to address the transgression as a means for redemption and reconciliation. Retribution belongs to God alone. Since the transgressor refuses to repent and feel remorseful, all I can do is pray for them and forgive myself for falling into the temptation of "wanting to belong," "to be seen," "to be heard," and "to be owed an apology."

My relationship with God was always scrutinized because these Christians do not see me praying to God in public, going to a church to worship and study the word of God, or volunteer in a missionary humanitarian aid. 1 Thessalonians 4:11-12 and 1 Timothy 2:2. written by Apostle Paul encourage first century believers to lead a quiet life by minding their own business, working diligently, and praying for peaceful times in all of society, which allows them to live with godliness, righteousness, and earn the respect of others. 

My missionary work is directed by God's will. It has always been that way since I devoted my life to Christ in 1995. All the church did was verbally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially, and mentally abused me alongside my parents during my adolescent and teenage years.

All the signs and wonders that happened in my life (1995 - current) is my living testament of my faith. No one can take that away from me. My purpose now is to open my heart again to others who have been hurt as much as I was. I will see their pain as it is. I will never make them feel any less.

Words are powerful. I have learned to be mindful of my thoughts and intentions. I recall a time when the Internet was released to the public in 1993. My mother was offended when I created an email handle: LAvenus79. She said I was promoting the enemy to influence my life. As an ENTJ, I outwitted her explaining that it was an acronym for "Lei Anne [is a] Victorious Evangelist [who is] Never Under Satan." She smiled and stated verbatim, "Oh, that's clever. I approve." God is the only entity who has authority over my identity.

I never claimed to be better than anybody. As an ENTJ, I have a tendency to be overly and critically judgmental. I don't act upon these type of decisions unless my immediate family (husband and child) or close friends (they know who they are) are involved. Even then, they rather I don't act judgmental towards others. I learned that my judgement should be based on truth and if the deed is detrimental to all parties involved.

During my healing journey, I reasoned with God — that if I am supposed to be in a community of believers, I asked God if it were possible to take me to a place where I could be among His people instead of looking for a church filled with pretentious believers and false teachers. On October 2018, during my last attendance of the Life Skills class with StepUp Ministry, a seminar led me to connect with a rabbi. I was warmly welcomed at Temple Beth-Or. When another song played in Pandora, I knew I had to write this blog.

I can confidently move on to the next chapter of Pastor Rick Warren's book, "The Purpose Driven life, Chapter 22: Created to become like Christ." I will now do whatever it takes to protect my new community at Temple Beth-Or. 

Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine!

Oh, what a foretaste of glory divine!

Heir of salvation, purchase of God,

born of his Spirit, washed in his blood.

 

This is my story, this is my song,

praising my Savior all the day long.

This is my story, this is my song,

praising my Savior all the day long.

 

If I told you my story

You would hear Hope that wouldn't let go

And if I told you my story

You would hear Love that never gave up

And if I told you my story

You would hear Life, but it wasn't mine

If I should speak then let it be

Of the grace that is greater than all my sin

Of when justice was served and where mercy wins

Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in

Oh, to tell you my story is to tell of Him

 

If I told you my story

You would hear victory over the enemy

And if I told you my story

You would hear freedom that was won for me

And if I told you my story

You would hear Life overcome the grave

If I should speak, then let it be

Of the grace that is greater than all my sin

Of when justice was served and where mercy wins

Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in

Oh, to tell you my story is to tell of Him

 

This is my story, this is my song

Praising my savior all the day long

This is my story, this is my song

Praising my savior all the day long

For the grace that is greater than all my sin

Of when justice was served and where mercy wins

Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in

Oh to tell you my story

Is to tell

Of the grace that is greater than all my sin

Of when justice was served and where mercy wins

Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in

Oh, to tell you my story is to tell of Him

Oh, to tell you my story is to tell of Him

This is my story, this is my song

Praising my Savior all the day long

Ever since I was taken under Temple Beth-Or's community, learning to apply how the Jewish community live their daily lives has made me understand the Torah and the Gospels (The Bible) rituals and commandments (mitzvot) in a better way. The epiphany of following Jesus' teachings reflects the Torah in such a surreal way that it has me yearning more connection to God's grace and mercy. Since the Jewish Temple was destroyed, the rabbis have compiled their understanding of God's word (Midrash) throughout the millennia to help the Jewish community live with purpose. Any person declaring that they are an expert in the Scriptures are suspect. 

I don't need to prove my faith to anyone that it will stand true against God's judgement. If I'm being honest, I already met mine. As an ENTJ, I will always find a reason to improve myself - I don't need others to fill my head with negativity and dim my light or destroy the love in my heart.

For God so loved the world, He gave his only begotten Son. Whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

God has taught me how to love myself. From that learning, my heart and soul was healed. I have been through a lot. In each suffering, I cannot see myself being bitter about every circumstance. When I was under my parent's household, I was not allowed to express myself. Ever since leaving them and the church they associated with, God has allowed me to express my frustrations, lament my grievances, and even experience disappointments of my expectations. For the first time, I felt human.

God wants everyone to know that what happened to our progenitor Adam, was not our fault. It is through Jesus, that we are saved. Whether you choose to follow Jesus or not, the decision is yours to take. I have decided to follow Jesus and willingly accepted the gift of love and life. I learned a lot more from God and His chosen people than I ever did under my parents' care and the church they affiliated with. I still pray for my mother everyday. I have forgiven the church for their iniquities. It's not my job to judge them.

My story is mine. My relationship with God is Jesus' work in me because I follow his teachings. No one will ever take that from me. That is my blessed assurance.