The heart that matters

​Before the world began, water covered the expanse. 

A sound emitted through it and light separated the water from the deep and the expanse.

The earth emerged from the water below and sprouted all forms of vegetation and seed-bearing plants. 

The sun, moon, and the stars appeared in the expanse — one to dominate the day, and the other to dominate the night and the stars. 

The birds of the air, fish of the sea, and the creatures of the land came forth to fill the air, sea, and land respectively. 

In the heart of the Arabian Sea lies a story of a lost civilization. Some people choose to bury its secrets while others dare to explore.

I have chosen to explore because the story calls to my heart. The visions I have seen my dreams can no longer be ignored.

I have been called a lot of things. However, my words and actions are genuine. I am a chaotic neutral person because I enjoy engaging with the environment around me. Thus feeding off from people’s responses and the events that occur when I am present. I enjoy pushing limits to see how the world views me. I exercise my imagination whenever I seek new ideas and experiences. Whenever I am presented with a decision, I ask pointed questions to test others against my logic and reason. Hence, I can prove the most effective or realistic decision to a problem. Once that decision is made, I deal with the consequences as they come. Even though I prefer possible options in planning ahead of time, I always keep a mental checklist of options from the backup plans I prepared prior to making decisions.

I have been hurt a lot by many people — especially from the ones who were supposed to nurture and care for me.

I still chose to love. I don’t care anymore about how people treat me because I already know the truth:

Men are emotionless pricks and women are manipulative sadists.

The ones who dared to explore the mysteries of the universe, this message is for you.

Never allow anyone to erase your identity. If you’re still struggling to find out who you are, it’s okay. No one should ever give you grief for doing so. 

When a child is conceived, its heart is the first to develop. The brain and the spinal cord are next to developing alongside the heart. This is why the scriptures have been written: “You shall love the Lord your God, with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your might.”

A loving mother would teach their developing child during her pregnancy. This is why my child is smarter than me because I shared stories and music while they were still in the womb.

My first childhood memory was very unpleasant. My mother has deemed me demented and demonic.

I am not the only person in the early 1980s who has experienced child abuse and exploitation. There are still tens of thousands of children missing in that era in the United States and millions more outside the country worldwide. The Philippines is notorious for selling their children off to sex slave traders. 

I was only 12 years old when my mother decided to sell me to a rich 30-year-old disabled Christian Chinese man. My mother’s intention was to make me serve him well enough so that I could send my allowance from him to her.

However, my mother had forgotten that I was bound to a vow, which she bestowed to me when I was 7 years old. My bond was to protect my sisters at any cost.

So, when I told him why I couldn’t marry him (reason stated above), I also informed him that my mother wanted his money more than him being part of the family. In addition to that, I told him that my mother wanted me to ensure that his disability would be his greatest obstacle. His eyes opened wide. He told me that he admired my courage. He told my mother that I was a very smart child and left.

In my heart I knew that it was wrong to take advantage of people’s feelings especially when they don’t deserve to be treated with disrespect. Unfortunately, I don’t know his heart. He seemed like a nice man.

However, if he was willing to buy a child’s life — even if sex wasn’t his intention, would you consider him a good man?

You can never know anyone’s heart. The good thing is, that you can see people by their words and actions. 

When I was a child, silence was my punishment. I listened to people’s opinions and stories. The only time I was allowed to communicate was when strangers wanted to know about me. Even then, my mother would silence me whenever I share my experiences at home.

Dr. Turner and other psychologists told me that many people cannot value my story the same way I value mine. 

I began to search my heart and ask myself these questions:

• What makes me a good person?
• How are the things that anger me reflect who I am?
• What are the things that I value the most?
• Are these values genuine in my heart, soul, and mind?

The world needs healing. This I know this much is true. Healing starts with you.

If you are someone who wish to stay single, do so. Be the person you need to be. Do so in loving kindness and graciousness. God already gave that gift to you. It’s up to you to choose what to do with it.

If you are someone who wish to be with another, leave your expectations behind. Share your life as if everyday is an adventure. Adventures could be risky, fun, exciting, expensive, overwhelming, and sometimes frustrating. At least you can enjoy life wherever it takes you.

The tabletop role playing game, Dungeons and Dragons, taught me a lot about possibilities. “OMG! A CHRISTIAN PLAYING D&D!?”

Stop it. My faith in God hasn’t diminished. If anything, the game has taught me mental sums, which I couldn’t do so when I was younger. 

I was prescribed to make new friends. D&D has exponentially improved my social skills. 

If you are someone who wish to have children, please consider taking care of your heart, soul, and mind first.

Whenever you are in an environment where safety isn’t available, do not get pregnant. If you are pregnant, seek out the National Domestic Violence Hotline, planned parenthood or, the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU).

If you’re not able to leave, stay safe by following a safety plan. 

You are important as much as your heart, soul, and mind to the One, who calls you, “My Child.”

Do not end up like my mother. I knew her heart was lost the moment she endangered my sisters’ and my life.

Forgiveness happens when the ugly truth surfaces up and out of the open. My mother needed safety. Safety became an illusion to her when we emigrated here to the USA.

All she had was us. All I knew was violence. My sisters never knew I was being abused sexually, physically, mentally, spiritually, financially, and emotionally by our parents. My mother claimed I betrayed her and the family (my sisters). I couldn’t continue being treated like a serf.

I left California to enlist in the Air Force in 2000. Since then, my calling to serve God was apparent — a change of heart.

The heart that longs for connection. Even though God revealed himself to me that one fateful April 16, 1995, I was not prepared enough to take the time to surrender my life.

I was raised to be a Christian. No one in the congregation ever explained what a Christian truly was.

The King James Bible talked about Israel and her people. There were no Sangleys like me. For the longest time, I was made to believe that I should become like Jesus. Jesus was born Jewish. What is a Jew?

That’s right — all of the people in the congregation verbally abused me. I left the church and never set foot in one ever again. My heart couldn’t take the incitement of hateful bigotry and racism.

On September 19, 2021, I was accused of being politically disruptive towards the Bible study facilitator. All I ask was, “Why was it important to [her] for making [her] gay friend guilty for being effeminate?”

In Tagalog, there is a big difference of being “bakla (effeminate man)” and being known as a “silahis (gay man).” The intention of my question was to explain that they are human beings, who just want to live peacefully without being discriminated and mocked for being true to themselves. 

The irony of what transpired was the opposite of compassion (previous week’s Bible study subject). The Bible study was never the same again. I left.

God chose Jacob because he took care of his aging father, Isaac, and his ailing mother, Rebecca. Jacob was an educated and religious man. He became a faithful man when he wrestled with God. God renamed him, “Israel.”

Esau was known as a powerful man, who loved his father deeply. He was a passionate, and impulsive hunter. Even though he was highly upset with Jacob for stealing his birthright, Esau forgave Jacob wholeheartedly (Genesis 33).

Esau ruled Edom and became a chieftain throughout his days. Since Jacob was stricken with fear, he never saw Esau again. 

Relatively speaking, I can relate to Jacob’s fear. I have forgiven everyone, who has ever mistreated me — including my mother.

Despite all of that, she continued to demand to let her see me naked. Why?!

“If you love me, you’ll do what I ask! I’m your mother. You’re supposed to obey me and honor me!”

By demanding me of being naked? I’m a married woman. I am a mother too. My heart aches so much. 

There’s a part of me that misses the mother, who did everything in her power to protect me. The mother I’m currently dealing with, is not the mother I remember when I was 3 years old.

I am not bisexual because I was exposed to sex at an early age. She fingered me when I was 5 years old. She let her friends, the Cordero family have their way with me. I was sexually molested by this family of 3, who claim to be Christians. Those were traumatic experiences. 

There was a moment in my life where I lived on my own. The duration of living on my own was long enough to make me realize what my sexual preferences were. During high school, I met a beautiful young woman. It was like looking at a beautiful renaissance painting. I asked a friend if it’s normal to feel warm and nauseous at the same time when they have a crush on someone. My friend laughed and teased, “Of course, it’s normal.” Since she assumed I was referring to a guy I kept avoiding being in the same room with, I responded in kind. That was when I knew I was genuinely attracted to both men and women.

The moment I publicly shared what I was a decade ago, many Christians swarmed at me like they did Jennifer Knapp.

My faith has not changed or wavered. I’ve been through a lot, but I never lost my way. Sure, I stumbled and fell along the journey, but God kept his promise. God continued to lift me up, dust my clothes, healed my wounds, restored my soul, and renewed my strength.

My heart was dedicated to God when I was 3 days old. My parents, to say the least, gave me material things: food, clothing, shelter. However, they treated me like an adult when I learned how to walk and talk (6 years old). Throughout my adolescent and teenage years, the questions I asked were treated as rebelliousness, my silence was considered as indifference, and my compassion was mocked for naivety. They called me “stupid,” “retarded,” “foolish,” “heretic,” and “delusional,” by the time I became a teenager.

I still chose to love, honor, and obey my parents. When I told them that I needed to leave, my parents called me an “obstinate child.”

Only God can see my heart. I don’t need to prove to anyone that I am a good person. Every single human being have their own perception, opinion, and preconceived notions about the person I am.

My heart is true, but it is broken. My body hurts every single day. No doctor or medical science have a cure.

My soul is like a lighthouse and my spirit fires the lantern.

Since my heart is broken, it’s difficult to see the world in God’s eyes. God sees me as perfect, good, and beautiful. He wants me to be genuinely true to my heart.

My heart seeks death. I don’t want a new body. I don’t deserve to be in heaven. I know in my heart that the people, whom I love and care for isn’t going to be there anyway. 

Jesus said that his followers will be in the New Jerusalem when they follow the narrow road to the city gate. 

I am a social person by nature. I treat everyone as a friend. I’m the kind of person who will ride or die for people to hell and high waters even if it costs me my life. 

Since the journey to the narrow road has become lonelier, I don’t know how much more I can take being on this lonely road. It’s just me and the Lord on this journey now.

If you happen to meet me on the narrow road, please say, “Hi,” to me. It would mean the world to my heart.

God seeks mercy, compassion, and loving kindness. 

Where is your heart?