There are many people who have hurt me. The person who hurt me the most was my mother.
A mother is supposed to love and nurture her children. A father is supposed to care and protect his family. Once I have learned how my grandparents treated my parents, I finally understood the reason for my desperation in being loved and accepted for who and what I am.
I understand that when someone chooses to express philautia, there is a certain awareness level of observing what is good and bad around oneself. A necessary form of nurturing one’s body, soul, and mind. To lean towards the things that makes one’s life worth living.
When philautia is attacked, especially when one is exposed to other people’s reaction to one’s presence, the risk of self-respect and self-care becomes the subject of ostracism.
When character assassination begins at home, the family dynamic of compassion is non-existent. Words are hollow and actions are meaningless.
I grew up in that environment since I was 5. I was fighting for my life and my identity. I was mislabeled for being rebellious when I wanted what any child needed — safety.
Teenage suicide is higher in Asia than it is in the USA because of the system and social constructs built on silence to keep the peace.
My mother forced me to emigrate here to the USA. I obeyed not because I had to, but because God promised me a better life and future. The more I followed God’s plan, the harsher my mother abused me.
God does not consider abuse honorable, nor does He command children to tolerate, enable, or remain in abusive situations.
Ever since I can remember, my body was always in pain. There are certain seasons when the pain becomes debilitating and unbearable. I express my symptoms to my doctor. There are no evidence of scarring or damage in my body. There are traces of chemical imbalances.
Eating foods that promote estrogen, oxytocin, serotonin, essential amino and fatty acids, vitamins, and minerals are getting expensive.
Ultimately, corporations will control how you consume their products and require their services.
I can’t fight the system wherein my mother’s generation has allowed to thrive for 2 decades. What I do know is that I can start building a home and a family based on the principles I was taught.
Start my day with intention. Wake up to greet the sun. Thank God for my new life. Pray for healing and protection from any sickness and negativity.
When my body begins to feel pain, I remind myself to heed my doctor’s orders: — Stretch, hydrate, and rest. Journal my emotions and feel everything with love, compassion, and forgiveness.
When I forget to take care of myself, I pray for mercy, courage and strength. I try my best to be present in the moment. When mistakes happen, I ask for understanding and patience.
The pain is present and inevitable. However, it is no longer debilitating and unbearable as it often was. Even though it comes in seasons, I am grateful nonetheless.
I’m grateful to my new family and friends. I couldn’t imagine being here if it weren’t for your love and support. I know I don’t say it often enough. I love you infinitely and in abundance.
Agape,
Beautiful Peace
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