Healing in God's grace; Forgiveness in the eyes of Christ

A resonating truth about my past cannot be forgotten. The truth hurts; but there it is: I grew up in a Domestic Violent home under the roof of Charismatic Protestant parents.

Since the day I devoted my life to Christ 23 years ago, my life towards inner peace became a tedious journey. A journey filled with pain, frustration, joy and laughter.

I was baptized in the same church, where my parents had dedicated me to God. I was only 3 days old. My only recollection of the event were photographs, which have faded through the test of time. You would think my parents would be proud of me for being led back to Word for the World Ministry to be baptized as a Born-Again Christian. No. They condemned me for betraying Bethel Church. Worse of all, the Pastor of Bethel Church did the same. As young and feisty as I was, I rebuked them - just as Jesus had done to Simon Peter. Nevertheless, I was baptized again under Bethel Church because it was demanded from me. The blessing wasn't the same as it did the first time.

I was later humbled when a Pastor from a Malaysian non-denominational church told me that the ritual was not important. My commitment to Christ as a born-again Christian was all that mattered to God. Why else would Jesus accept a baptism from John, the Baptist, when he was prophesied as the known Christ? God has already blessed me when I took the call. I learned a lot from Pastor Julie. She instilled in me a passion for knowledge and wisdom from God. All the questions I had longed to ask, were answered. I was no longer demanded to silence and isolation.

Since I left Malaysia, searching for a Church just like Pastor Julie's was difficult. I lost connection with all my Christian Malaysian brothers and sisters. I prayed every day for wisdom. Every day, God has led me to new places and meet people. People who need hope and healing. Meeting these people have blessed and healed me in the process too. When my sisters invited me to join Facebook, I was able to reconnect with old friends, whom I love and cherish. It was difficult for me to reconnect with them, because I was fearful for my life. Especially if I filled out the 'Life Event' portion on Facebook.

Divorce in Asian culture is a repulsive subject to discuss; especially in religious communities. I was relieved to find out that they understood Domestic Violence is not well tolerated. I never knew it was so. Whether or not my mother knew that she had the ability to call for a safe house, she had not chosen to use the resources available to her. The Bethel Church leader enabled the situation to escalate. My parents continued their abusive relationship for 35 years.

A lifestyle I do not want to recreate. Even though I lost my marriage to Domestic Violence, I survived the fallout of always feeling like a victim. I eventually opened up and kindness poured in. Much to my surprise, Chris forgave me. I knew in my heart there was good in him. He was happy to accept my forgiveness in return. Our mutual respect for each other stood genuine as it did the first time we met. I'm grateful that Chris accepted my husband as a trustworthy co-parent. They plan schedules together. My daughter couldn't be much happier. As a witness to this unified relationship, I knew I needed healing.

I've been through a lot. I've put others through turmoil and desolate relationships. For the friends who stayed with me, I will stay forever humble and grateful. I couldn't have trudged on through the mud without your encouragement and hugs. Thank you for believing and trusting in me.

Through my turmoil and desolation, I learned to be still; to be mindful of the hurt, the loss and frustration of not being able to control my destiny. Healing and forgiveness did not happen overnight. This journey took me 26 years to learn how to trust God and live a fulfilled life through Christ's teachings. I am neither asking any of my non-christian friends to convert to Christianity. Their kindness alone in helping me heal through my pain and suffering, has blessed them to receive God's grace. As Jesus has told his disciples many years ago that anyone who receives his brother (in need) has received him as well (Matthew 25:40). I am rejoicing in the abundance of blessings God has provided for me. I don't know how else to share my joy other than with friends and family.

I have also learned to listen. Acknowledging my feelings of pain and suffering, which lingers at the back of my head, has led me to kindness. The action to consider and validate one's own self-prejudice and unprecedented conviction. The practice of this habit is a lot of work. I'm still clumsy at it. Every time I succeed, I rejoice and give thanks.

Many of you who come to know me through my rough journey, I thank you for your patience. I know I don't profess a lot about my faith because I've seen firsthand what it is like to be excluded, isolated and rejected. Even though I was raised in a Christian home, the foundation was neither Christ-like or Godsend. The God I was told to worship was not the God who revealed their presence to me on the night I decided to commit suicide. God led me to where I needed to go and see with my own eyes what it was like to live in His grace.

God continues to teach me every day. Whenever I become mindful of His presence, I am deeply humbled. God knows I get distracted a lot. It is in those silent moments of reflecting in His wisdom, I become aware of my blessings. I always do my best to thank Him. God is everything. God is love. God is gender-full. God is who I want to be: Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness and Self-Control. I want to be full of everything God is. This is the God, whom Christ spoke of: Jehovah Jirah.

I have learned that forgiveness is not a debt you take into account from somebody else. Forgiveness is the willingness to accept that you can only control things you can fix. I can fix my wound. Now it's time to rest and heal. I've been fighting for so long in my battles, I have forgotten to rest. I was so used to bandage up not realizing that my wounds needed time to heal. If I did not allow for healing, I am no use to anyone bent and broken. I have put down my sword and armor. I have now accepted my fate to stop, rest and heal. Ever since then, I can feel my wounds slowly hurting less. I have become more energetic, refreshed and alive.

I know I can't rest forever. There's so much of God's work to be done. I had always believed I was called to God's ministry. During my season of resting and healing, I am certain my calling will be soon. I've always wanted to help children. I want to teach them how to be independent, self-sufficient, resourceful and respectable people. There are plentiful of misguided children. The sheer number of these children becoming adults have caused a lot of strife, bereavement and chaos in society today.

I believe my calling needs a lot of practice. The only way I know to do this, is to practice with my daughter. She has so much to learn. Overwhelming her with my knowledge has created a lot of tension between us.

Ever since I enrolled myself to the VA program last year, our relationship couldn't have improved without it. I'm still learning. I don't think I can ever stop learning. The universe is expanding. Why shouldn't I? If I decide to stop learning, I'll be depriving myself from being and growing.

I may not be perfect; but at least I know I'm loved unconditionally. I believe this is the calling I am meant to be in God's grace: Forgiveness in Christ's eyes.