The Still, Small Voice

It has been about 2 years and 4 months ago that I have come to accept the compunctious reality of my life as a divorcee. The healing and forgiveness was not only powerful but freeing in a way I can live my life knowing that everything was a blessing in the end.

I learned a lot about myself and how I have dealt with relationships. Once I have separated myself from the destructive environment in living in the past, everything started falling into place. I am grateful to every one in my life: my husband, my daughter and my co-parent. There's a sense of trust and compassion I never knew that could ever existed in the world of divorce.

Even before I began to accept the reality of my deepest regret, I needed help. I honestly poured my heart out to God in anger: "I'm a Christian. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Please help me. Send help. Anything. I don't know if I can keep my promise to you anymore." I wanted to die that day. I was worried about my child. How will she see me? Will she ever forgive me? Is it my job to make her understand? Out of my anguish, came hope. I was referred to a therapist. She gave me a handout, which had some guidelines on how to be mindful to my child's needs. I have never read the book: "Helping Children Survive Divorce", which was listed as one of a handful of resources to read, but the handout was good enough for me.

All I can say about my experience throughout this journey is listening to God's still, small voice. The most pronounced attribute you can find in the book of Psalms. God comes to you when you call and asks, "Where are you?" In my vulnerability, I lie in contemplation of negative thoughts and feelings. The most beautiful thing above all is God's presence enveloping you with love and mercy. The wisdom God provides is so compelling, you just want to go ahead and see where you end up. It's difficult to be mindful of the things you're suppose to pay attention to. It's not everyday I get to sit still, stop for a moment and recollect what I just experience. Most of the times I'm distracted with my impulse to run away - just like Jonah.

I am grateful to where God has led me to where I am now. I'm enriched with wise, compassionate and loving friends who have become part of my spiritual family. A family I had always wanted. Even when we don't see eye-to-eye on some aspects of life, I learned to listen, understand and be mindful of their individuality. I understand now what Jesus meant:

"Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven" ~ Luke 6:37

For the longest time I was made to believe that I was condemned to all eternity. I was never enough to be loved by God because I was far from being perfect or to say the least holy. To make things worse, be ostracized for being born an abomination. The past judgments I had received growing up in a Charismatic Protestant Church was not only harsh but demeaning. As a child, resonating with loneliness and rejection was not only traumatizing, but suicidal. 

When God turned my life around on the night of April 14, 1995, I made a commitment to learn more about myself and who I was in God's purview. I had to relearn what it was to be God's child from Jesus' teachings. Who am I?; but a Gentile - someone who used to perceive that God was this ominous deity I had to serve without question.

I asked God a lot of questions. Questions I thought were going to be ignored. God answered all of them. I am deeply humbled. During the time I was baptized, the pastor looked at me in wonder and announced to the congregation, "God has blessed our sister today!" He then held my shoulders to hug me and said, "God has a great plan for you. It's not going to be easy, but there is wonder in your future." Every passing moment, regardless of the outcome or despite my impulse to scurry away in hiding, I was reformed and renewed.

When God sends me somewhere or was guided to meet other people, I am blessed graciously with compassion and generosity. Whenever my story becomes an interest, I share gladly. Sometimes I overwhelm people. Sometimes, I end up blessing people with God's presence. I treasured every moment.

Recently, I have begun to treasure the unpleasant moments. I have been practicing this habit for only a year now. I realize how much I can articulate my thoughts properly when I become mindful, attentive to listen, and be still in the present moment. I'm still clumsy at it. That's the beauty of God's love. There's mercy when you fail; especially when you fail miserably. The divine comedy is that everyone experiences this self-criticism and self-loathing all the time within themselves - regardless of gnosticism or atheism. I thank God everyday for allowing me to be my vulnerable and clumsy self while I continue this journey of self-discovery and enligtenment. 

I hope my testimony has given you an understanding who I am becoming. I apologize in advance if this story has become a resonating broken record. I just want you to know I am grateful to all of you. Thank you for taking your time to listen to my story.