The hero I used to know

I do not usually speak a lot about my heroes because most Christians consider this form of aspirations, idolatry. Yet in the irony of it all, the Christians make idols of Jesus the Christ; in all forms of art and literature.

There was a story of a woman I used to know. She was full of aspiration and determination. She fell in love with a man whom she believed was going to fulfill her dreams. I thought it was a romantic story. I love a good romantic story.

I didn't get to know her well until she poured her heart out to me. The pain and anguish she endured was overwhelming for her that she believed I could make them go away. I was young and single at that time. I did not understand any of what it was like to be married to someone. Believe me, I've read every book on the shelf at my school library to help me figure out what it was like to be in a relationship. I sought wisdom from other married couples. Even in my best efforts, I was rejected for the wisdom I had acquired. Like I said; I was young and single - inexperienced to all things marital. 

All I can tell you that this woman had strength. I never thought a woman with such gusto and stamina would hold onto a broken marriage for so long. I know I wouldn't have. I left my marriage. As a Christian, it's a devastating consequence. An experience I dread to repeat.

I don't know how she's doing right now. All I know is that she left me a memento. A reminder that I can be a woman of strength and dignity. I do not have the need to sacrifice myself into giving in or giving up the things; let alone the values, which I hold dear to my heart. Even in my most vulnerable state of mind and well-being, I can stop to breathe, step back and reflect. Especially asking myself the honest questions:

1. Did I express my thoughts and feelings in a way that was mindful and fair to others and myself?
2. Was I too judgmental in such a way I lost sight of validating other's thoughts and feelings including my own?
3. Was I true to the values I currently stand for?

This journey of self-reflection is not easy. Practicing the skills of being an affluent conversationalist is cumbersome. I'm clumsy at it. As a perfectionist, it's frustrating and infuriating. Then there's a personal spiritual reminder that there can be grace and mercy for not hitting the mark all the time. It's okay because it's not the end of the world. The best I can do is to learn from my mistake, stand up, move forward, and live life. That's the beauty of life in a nutshell.

So, here's to you; Mom. Thank you for being that hero in my life when it mattered the most. There's so much you have missed in my life - all 25 years of it. There's so much we need to catch up on. I hope that in years to come, there's healing and reconciliation between us.

Happy Mother's Day