I don't remember how I stumbled upon his blog posts: The Actual Pastor, however I do remember a point in my life where I was struggling to belong to my family. It was 4 years after my father passed away. My sisters lamented at his absence while my mother wallowed in her devastation of loneliness. She had stated her grievances of how I have shamed the family. Her emotional torment depressed me so much.
I was looking for something to cheer me up that day. I figured I might as well Google something cheerful. It must have been the blog entitled, "The Difficulty of Just Being Yourself" that may have drawn me to follow Pastor Steve Wiens. Needless to say, his journal caught my attention.
He now has a podcast: This Good Word, which I finally had a chance to listen to recently. His sermons have genuine experiences as a Christian living in God's grace. I haven't heard such a message so forthright since my last association with a Christian church in Malaysia. His messages are solely based on reclaiming what’s holy about our humanity.
I am so grateful to God for sending Pastor Steve Wiens in my life. I know I haven't been consistent in listening to and reading on Pastor Wiens' work in the last 3 years. I was so distracted then. Needless to say, I am truly dedicated in doing so now. Especially after attending StepUp Ministry's Life Skills Classes, I am becoming more focused on the things I should be doing.
Even after speaking to Chaplain Blake, who is sponsored and referred by the wonderful Veteran's Affairs, has made it clearly obvious that I was denying myself mental inner peace. You have to understand - I only have one mother. If my sisters are having a difficult time losing our father, how much more our mother? Once she's gone, I'm 'Scott-free'. That's the sad truth.
The only way for me to honor my mother is to remember the sensible things she taught me. Respect is as important as Love. This is why I adore the wonderful people and Earthly things, God has blessed me with. I am aware that the Earthly things get left behind when I'm gone. Yet, there is so much sentimental value from them.
I love my parents. They provided me the basic needs. That's all well and good; but to have them treat me the way they did, how does a child learn to respect people of those nature? The very people whom, my parents warn me about: those who lie, cheat and steal? Yet here I stand: longing to be loved and accepted for who I am. It was only on my father's death bed, that he asked for forgiveness. What took him so long? His absence has not affected me as much because he had abandoned me when I needed him the most during my childhood.
What can I say about my mother? She has been through hell and far much worse. Her tenacity was what got me where I am today. Unfortunately, for 31 years trying so hard to appease to my mother's expectations, I have become the biggest failure.
I'm tired. My daughter is almost a young independent adult. I don't need this stress. I'm done with this torment. I've done everything with all my strength, my time and energy to make my mother love me just as I am to no avail. To be cast down on my 37th birthday, "I wish you were never born" from a voicemail she had left on my phone which, inevitably broke my soul. I denied it. She couldn't have meant that. I listened to it several times before my beloved friend, Sophie; including my husband who, told me to delete the message.
I want to focus on my successes. I have achieved so much, you wouldn't even believe I have accomplished them at all. It is true: "Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.(Matthew 5:16)" Everyone I have met on the streets or public events, have given me the same compliment, "Your parents must have been proud of you." I almost always gave a weak smile. I have always felt this: "They never were proud of me." My parents have never uttered, "You've done well; we're proud of you," to me personally when I was under their care. I've always heard it from other people; including my sisters.
I am grateful that I am blessed with a very intelligent daughter, a very patient husband and a very forgiving co-parent. My life is blessed. That's as much honor I can make due for my mother. I have never sought out to narcotics, debauchery, or criminal activities. I don't have to prove to her that I am a good person by nature. I've taken all kinds of tests. They have all proven I'm chaotic. What artist do you know who isn't?
I am setting a good example to my daughter. It is natural to feel angry, sad and unhinged when bad things happen especially towards others who make you feel worthless. It took me a good 20 years to realize that I can make a choice not to associate with these kinds of people. The less time you spend with these people, the more open, well-rounded and worthy self-esteemed you become.
This is a hard choice I'm making. Accepting the fact that I will no longer want to associate with my own mother is like a slap in the face. As a Filipino Chinese, that's anomalous. I have chosen my words carefully. I am in conflict with myself.
The only way I know how to stay in focus is to look at my daughter. I know I did the right thing. She is the reason why I still live and breathe. As Pastor Steve Wiens always ends his sermon:
"We're Human and Holy;
We're Dust and Breath;
We're Limited and Limitless;
We're in this together"
In Pastor Wiens' sermon, "This Good Word: Run (Episode 6)" he stated that, "It takes courage to allow one's ego to atrophy," a quote from Dr. David Benner's book. I would have to agree. It takes a lot of courage to do the things in which is necessary to be free from pain, anxiousness and trauma.
It's going to take me a lot of courage to face this conflict. The beauty of this is, I am no longer alone. God has provided the people I need in my life to help me through this painful journey. I know that will no longer be bounded by this burden. My soul will finally be restored.
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