The daily application of being human is to continue learning, evolving, adapting, and growing.
Many people have tried to silence my life story because it’s difficult to hear and accept. Key elements of a good story needs a character with strong motivations, believable personalities, and relatable goals to make readers care about their journey.
I am Ye Li An Carliza Isorena Black. I am a living descendant of the Aeta tribe of Negritos island in the Austro-Polynesian archipelago.
Most Filipinos will tell you that I am a foreigner and an actor of great influence since I don’t exhibit any native characteristics. Filipinos are known for their hospitality and their sense of servitude. As a Mestizo de Sangley, I am susceptible to negative sentiments from native Filipinos who were fueled by foreign policy issues and the actions of recent Chinese mainland immigrants.
Despite my ethnic heritage, I have enough knowledge and wisdom to tell you that I understand every word a native Luzon islander would say in Tagalog since it was my first language during my formative years. Even though my paternal relatives speak Bicol and Fukian, I was never taught to speak it.
I was coerced to speak in English at the age of 5. I struggled a lot with communication and expressing myself because my brain is still in Tagalog mode. The method I was taught to learn English was by reading a novel and a dictionary on my 5th birthday.
The novel was “Little Women.” My favorite character was Josephine. She was a spirited, independent, and ambitious young woman, who defied the traditional gender roles of her time. Jo is known for her strong will, love of writing, and desire to make a name for herself in the world. I wanted to be like her.
When I was coerced into Christianity, women like Ruth, Esther, Jacobed (Yakobay), and Rahab, inspired me to become my own person. However, I was considered a rebel. I was severely punished by simply being a curious child. It was only recently in July that I learn I am an ENTJ.
I admit I was harshly judging my family and relatives about how they treated me. Firstly, if I was held at the highest standards of religious piety and moral conduct, it should only be fair that they hold themselves to the same standards. It has taken me 33 years (1992 - 2025) to arrive at the conclusion that nobody on this planet knows what they're doing.
When I was living with my parents, I was always severely punished for saying these words:
- I'm sorry
- I don't know
- But
- Because
- I don't understand
- I didn't
- sneezing
- snoring
- sitting down to rest
- farting
- burping
- soaking the bath mat after taking a bath
- wiping dirt on the doormat
- blowing my nose into a napkin
- dragging my feet
- wearing short pants under my skirt
- climbing a tree
- playing with insects, reptiles, amphibians, and arachnids
“You cannot lead a child to a place of healing if you do not know the way yourself.”― Dr. Karyn Purvis
As Jesus (Yeshua ben Yosef) taught his disciple, Simon Peter, “I say not unto thee, until seven times: but, until seventy times seven.” In Hebrew school of thought, 70 x 7 is the perfection of mercy. It took me 39 years (1986 - 2025) to finally understand what Matthew 18:22 meant. My desire to connect with Abraham’s descendants was more than surreal. It is an experience to behold. They are the light-bearers of spirituality and leaders of total surrender of the divine. They taught me how to think outside of my preconceived notions, and to challenge those who defy justice and truth.
“If kindness has falseness at its base, it is no longer kindness. It is labored courtesy.”
― Dr. Piero Ferrucci
As James ben Zebedee wrote in his book on chapter 1, my faith in the Messiah and commitment to following the perfect law of liberty, I must be a good listener, slow to express my opinions, slow to wrath, to never bear false witness and to never err in my deeds.
During my therapy I learned a lot of things about my ailments. I found out I was partially dyslexic. My ability to process information is primarily a problem with language processing, specifically connecting sounds to letters. That's why it is better for me when teachers demonstrate or give visual examples of a lesson. As a kinesthetic learner, I need to touch, repeat, and rehearse the workflow or process, to significantly improve learning and memory.
I used to get highly upset when people don't remember the efforts I've made to accomplish a task. Dr. Turner made me realize that my preconceived notion must adapt to the world around me. She was surprised that I was accepting of the nuance with Cognitive Behavioral therapy. When I informed Dr. Turner that I was a Christian, she listened and recommended that I speak to a Chaplain. I hope the Chaplain forgives me for not remembering his name. I, however, remember his face.
Desist, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted upon the earth. ― Psalms 46:11
I needed to understand what should have happened and what went wrong with my ability to function as a human being. I was comforted to know that I was never broken. Dr. Given informed me that my type of depression was clinical. My serotonin was so low that my body was set on survival mode. I weighed at 140 lbs. from 2007 to 2017.
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| 2007 vs. 2017 (no filter) |
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| https://byjus.com/neet/stress-hormones/ |
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| That fat belly is due to cortisol (2020) |
I needed to learn to accept my struggles and be okay with imperfection. As a turbulent ENTJ, I needed to treat myself with the same kindness I would a friend or a child. Now weighing at 130 lbs., I haven't recovered from COVID-19 completely. I'm always short of breath, fatigued, suffering from insomnia once more, constant muscle aches on top of my polyarthralgia, hypertension, elevated liver function levels, vertigo, clinical depression, and chronic anxiety due to PTSD.
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| Before I contracted COVID-19 (2018) |
There are some days when I don't feel like myself. When I feel like myself, I tend to:
- Get excited when I meet a friend, acquaintance, or family member
- Rejoice when someone shares their personal experience with me
- Celebrate when someone announce an accomplishment, a special event, or something wonderful happened in their life
- Get excited when someone asks me for help
- Get excited when someone wants to hang out with me
- Celebrate when someone compliments me. Dr. Turner suggested that I invite others to join me in the celebration. I've learned to keep this as a personal tradition.
- Get excited when I'm included in a special occasions someone enjoys. Dr. Turner suggested that connecting with people means to celebrate in other's personal interests even if it doesn't fit my vibe. When I was younger, I was always excluded.
- Feel appreciated when someone notices my efforts of improving myself
- Feel grateful when someone veraciously makes me accountable for my words and actions. As a growing assertive ENTJ, I have an easier time mastering my state of mind by reflecting on my behavior. In this manner, I can apply the tools I learned from my Cognitive Behavior therapy.
