The spaces in between

 It's not everyday you get a space to breath and relax as a parent. Every single moment cannot be missed. Now that I have an empty nest, the feeling of maternal nostalgia slowly fades away into the twisted nether.

It has been a year since my only child left the house to be their own person. Surely I do miss my child. I know I can't be the only parent who feels relieved and confident that my child is exactly where they need to be. Go be you, my little wild one.

Yet in some ways, I feel I haven't done enough. The reality of it all, I actually did. I resumed to listening to Paster Steve Wien's podcast. He's right. I can only speak for myself. The capacity to impose your beliefs on another person is violating.

Just because there's an empty spot on the bench, doesn't give you the right to sit 2 inches from me. That's practically invading my personal space. I have an understanding that personal space varies between individuals. I learned from Dungeons & Dragons that the standard personal space is 5 feet. Basically, if I stretched my arms out and you get smacked in the face, you're too close to my personal space. 

My point is, the space I occupy in the Christian institution is no longer needed or wanted. I am a pariah to all denominations. Every single time I ask a question, the seething eyes and brooding distress they express in their voice to admonish me for even daring to initiate a query.

It doesn't make sense to me when someone holds so much hate and fear about who I am as a person. Just because I am outspoken, curious, eccentric and queer doesn't mean I'm a devil's spawn. The fact a Christian would even think that of me is beyond the boundaries of God's wisdom, love and mercy.

It makes me ireful when they come to me with a smile, "Oh, you're too much! God still loves you. I love you because Jesus said I have to." FUCK you - fuck you and your hyper-righteous indignant delusional bullshit!

I understand I have to be forgiving. However, that doesn't mean I have to be miserable. I don't have to torture myself into going to church only to feel ostracized. I've lived that life for 25 years. It was insufferable and debilitating. It's not just Christians either. There are prejudice people within the LGBTQ+ community too. Don't pretend to me that you are an advocate for bisexuals if you refuse to acknowledge how I live my life. Again, I'm not speaking for other bisexuals. I speak for myself and my experience. I'll share my story.

I was almost raped by a lesbian. It all started when I told one of my dorm mate to leave my roommate alone. My roommate didn't feel comfortable being stared at for hours on end by this dorm mate. My dorm mate asked me if I was lesbian too. I said that I wasn't. I was the other. She didn't believe I was bisexual because I was dating a male. I told them that I am only able to handle one person in a relationship. She asked if I wanted to have a relationship with her instead of my boyfriend. She complimented on how good looking I was. I declined her gesture and explained that I would be cheating in my relationship. She scoffed and declared me a pretentious idiot. She added that she was going to give me such a fun time of my life, that I would swear off men for good. She boasted that she turned a bi-curious girl (early 20s) into becoming a lesbian. She then proceeded to grab my arm. I darted across the living room and threw the living room chair in between us. She demanded an explanation of why I did that. I asked her, "What makes you think that forcing me to have sex with you is going to make me change my mind? How are you any better than the rapist?" She left me and my roommate alone from that moment forward. I never saw her again when I moved to a different dormitory complex. My roommate moved back to Japan. She thanked me for protecting her before she left. 

I grew up in a domestic violent home. My parents sought my attention more than I did theirs. I learned very early that having 6 people demanding attention from me was very taxing. My environment nurtured me into a very socially reserved person. 

I am one of those bisexual people who enjoy a monotonous relationship. Besides, I don't like the idea of having STDs. Statistics show that for every sexual encounter you have, there is a possibility that you might have exposed yourself to 11 people who may be infected or is an STD carrier. Fortunately for me, I only had to deal with 1 of the 20+ STDs out there. It wasn't fun to deal with. Part of my labia had to be cut off. I caught it in time before my pregnancy came to term.

Even though I was very aware of who I was at the tender age of 10, I learned to be silent about it for a very long time. Words reverberated of being burnt alive or sent to a nunnery was a constant echo in my mind. It was not that I was afraid of death. It was the trepidation of losing my identity and self-worth. 

The very church I grew up in were Antisemitic and homophobic. I am neither gay or lesbian. The term, "homophobia" doesn't apply to me. I believe "anti-anomalous" is a much suitable term.  

I came to terms of accepting who I was when I came to America. It was true what they say about coming to America and living the American Dream. You make your dream the way you want it. I am a woman who identifies as a Christian Bisexual South-East Asian American who adopted a Jewish based religion on the premise that there once lived a divine human being prophesied to be the Messiah of the world. I have embraced my ethnicity that was once torn by violence. I have made peace with the spaces in between light and dark.

I am wholesome even though I have limitations. I am happy even though I experience pain and sorrow. I am abundantly gifted even though I am a master of one skill. I make mistakes, but I don't let it stop me from growing. If you are a gardener, you'd understand what it takes to allow your seed to grow.

The message of the Messiah was clear: "Love the Lord, your God with all your heart, soul and mind. Love one another as I have loved you." His messenger before him announced his arrival, "Greater is he who baptizes you in the Holy Spirit."

If my story doesn't bring hope, redemption and mercy - I am just dust in the wind. If the mysteries of God doesn't bring you wonder, why then do you believe?