I gave this post a lot of thought and revision since 10/17/20. I hope this has enlightened you more than it did me.
I received a call from my mother some time in May, 2020. Although her intentions of wanting us to celebrate Mother's Day together as a family was forthright, she wanted all of us to learn about the Enneagram of Personality. A tool for personal and collective transformation so as to learn your personality type.
This begged the question: For someone who obstinately claims that they know their children better than themselves, why have this as a focal importance for bonding with each other?
Doesn't sharing our personal experience or personal interest freely mean so much more than analyzing our personalities as a study group? I don't know about you, but I thought bonding with your children would be a little more candid and spontaneous than this.
After much retaliation I had with my mother, I decided to investigate the school of thought with the Enneagram. I bought the same book and the workbook (5/15/20) she was using to help herself become self-aware, to get an understanding where she might be going with this.
I've been self-aware since the age of 7. There were a lot of things I remember saying and doing up to the point my mother declared that I needed Jesus to save me. I honestly believed her. I studied the Bible as any child would do to please their parents. However, nothing I said or did was ever righteous or perfect. I was honestly burnt out: spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically by age 13. It was bad enough that my mother had to call an exorcist to come and cleanse me. It turned out to be a con by a demon-possessed woman. When I say demon-possessed, I meant an other-worldly experience no human would ever believe it were true. If I were to tell you the story, it would sound like I was re-iterating a movie scene from "Constantine."
"The Road Back to you," points out that if we are to do this as a group, this should be a mindful, safe and encouraging space to learn and grow - away from shame and judgment. Self-knowledge is a lifelong process.
Having the preconceived notion of how my mother behaves around me, I doubt she intended to use this study as a means to reconcile our relationship. I saw it as a means to use this to her advantage.
As you all know, I have been on my Spiritual Journey with Christ on my own - alone; by myself for over 25 years. Yes; I am aware I declared an overly redundant sentence. For the record, I am still growing. I study the Torah with wonderful people at Temple Beth Or. I also attend a Bible Study group where I learn and teach Jesus' truth.
Once my mother started interjecting what I should or shouldn’t be, it was obvious that she overstepped onto my personal boundary. I dug my heel and insisted that she leave me alone. Her continued disregard for my well-being and the forewarning I presented to her prior to August 24, 2020 proved equitable.
Mindfulness is a type of meditation in which you focus on being intensely aware of what you're sensing and feeling in the moment, without interpretation or judgment. Practicing mindfulness involves breathing methods, guided imagery, and other practices to relax the body and mind and help reduce stress. It is public knowledge that mindfulness was originally taught by Siddhartha Gautama after his enlightenment, who used it as a tool for uncovering and extinguishing the roots of suffering in the mind.
We know that King David and the Sons of Kórach meditated on God's words (Psalms 48:9; 62:5; 63: 6-8; 77:11-12; 86:11; 104:34; Psalm 119: 11; 15-16; 143:5) so as to grow closer to God and be better people to the community. God has told his people to be still and know that He is Lord of all creation (Psalm 46: 10). The Apostle Paul encourage us to practice this exercise (meditating on God's word) daily (1 Chronicles 16: 11). When you meditate with God, you will be filled with the Holy Spirit; just as Priest Zechariah experienced after his son, John the Baptist was born (Luke 1: 68 - 80).
Meditating on God's word not only strengthens our faith, but allows us to receive mercy (Hebrews 4: 16). When God redeemed his people from Egypt, he sent Moses to lead and teach them on how they should live in peace as a community and as holy people of God. On their journey through the wilderness, they were covered by the cloud and guided by the fire and went through the Sea of Reeds to be totally free from Egypt. For a thousand years, Israel suffered under the hands of the enemies because the laws revised by the Sanhedrin and Pharisees were too rigid and non-conforming to the ages. God sent his son, who came to fulfill the laws by teaching 12 disciples the fundamental truth. Apostle Paul had to declare in his trial that he believed Jesus made his disciples a new creation. When they believed that the Son of Man has come to forgive their sins, he saw how closer their relationship to God was compared to his own. When they began studying God's word, the laws in the Torah became clear. They understood that it can be fulfilled without judgement. They are assured they can receive mercy and redemption (Romans 8: 1- 39).
Whether you choose to pray in meditation (Matthew 6: 6) or withdraw from the crowd in solitude (Mark 1: 35) to seek God's rest and mercy, He will be with you. Have you ever tried paying full attention to your child while cooking a meal? You literally cannot do both. However, if you include your child by teaching and showing them how to cook, you can see their attention is focused on you and your words. Just as Jesus taught his disciples: when you abide in me, I too abide in you (John 15: 1-7).
I left the church completely because they refuse to answer my questions with honesty. They insisted my questions were sinful and doubtful against God. They failed to understand that Jesus gave his disciples permission to ask questions by seeking Him. Why couldn't they do the same? I will never know. Among the 12 disciples, Simon Peter was the most judgmental and crude one of them all. His journey with Christ made him realize that his heart must be free from judgement and respite in order to help others draw closer to God (1 Peter 3:15).
Sheep are actually surprisingly intelligent, with impressive memory and recognition skills, but they are the most destructive creatures on the planet. This is why Jesus always refer to Shepherds as his teaching tool. The Shepherd has to account for every sheep in the flock. They start at the age of 8 leading the sheep to the fields. They carry with them a staff, a sling and a flute. They learn each sheep and call them by name. Until they are old enough to help with the sowing and harvesting of the fields, the sheep forms a bond with the shepherd. Just as Jesus taught the parable of the Lost Sheep, so shall your faith (the Lost Sheep) be restored when you (the Shepherd) return to God in earnest making the journey to seek him. As Apostle Paul encouraged the Church of Ephesus, their faith in Christ cannot be on works alone. It has to be done according to Jesus' teachings - in truth and in action (Ephesians 2: 8-9). The same way James have taught others: don't just repeat the words after listening to the words; apply the words into your life (James 1:22).
I don't know what it is my mother believes what the passage means in Romans 12:2. I have watched and listened to Dr. Leaf's YouTube videos. All of them make scientific sense. Cogito, ergo sum is a philosophical statement that was made in Latin by René Descartes, usually translated into English as "I think, therefore I am." It's not a revolutionary nuance to boost your self-esteem. My mother has always discounted my spiritual and emotional struggles as a sign weakness and sinful behaviors. I sought out other adults to find my peace of mind. Through prayer and supplication, God led me to wonderful people who help me sort out my struggles. Just as Jesus taught his disciples recorded by Mark in Chapter 10 verses 42 through 45, "Ye know that they which are accounted to rule over the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and their great ones exercise authority upon them. But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister: and whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all. For even the Son of Man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many." The happiest people are those who spend their hearts and wills to become affectionate and living resources for the sake of others. Whenever they hear a need, they quietly meet it. My psychiatrist and psychologist know and understand that I have a chemical imbalance. We worked out that medication was not a good solution for me. We found what food boosts my serotonin and cortisol levels along with strategic exercises that fit my daily routine to manage my depression and anxiety. So, if this "renewing of the mind" is in line with what I'm already doing, I'm all for it. Otherwise, it's just another manipulative tactic my mother is inflicting upon me.
I am not ashamed of the people I associate with. These are the people whom God led me to; so as to help and encourage me to continue my journey as a Born-again Christian (2 Timothy 2:15). They don't make me feel ashamed of who I am. They welcome and accept me as I am. That's what unconditional love is. It inspires me to do the same. I have an undivided heart; which means, my affections are solely on God. When I abide in Christ, everything else falls into place. All I can do is sing praises and be thankful (1 Thessalonians 5:16 -18). If my lifestyle continues to upset my mother - so be it (Philippians 3:8).
So here's my conclusion on how I see the Enneagram of Personality tool. It only works when you tell the truth.
Attributes of the Enneagram Personalities:
Heart Triad - Will you like me? Types 2, 3 and 4
Head Triad - How do I deal with my anxiety? Types 5, 6 and 7
Gut Triad - How will I deal with my environment? Types 8, 9 and 1
Here are my numbers: 4, 2, 8, 5, 7, 1, 9
Here are my sins: Anger, Envy, Pride, Lust, Gluttony, Avarice (greed), Sloth
The Challenger (Type 8; Gut Triad - How I deal with my environment)
Healthy 8s are great friends, exceptional leaders and champions of those who cannot fight on their own behalf. They understand and embrace vulnerability at times since they can be impatient with people who are indecisive or can’t pull their weight; and are capable of collaborating with others if they know they will not be betrayed or break the rules on them. Spiritually healthy, self-aware 8s love to do what others say can’t be done. When their energy is harnessed and channeled, they can change the course of history.
Anger is the dominant emotion in an 8’s life, but their deadly sin is lust for intensity. They want to be where the action is. They are fiercely independent people (4) whose oppositional energy expresses itself in a need to be strong and go up against power. 8s assume others as untrustworthy until they’ve proven themselves otherwise. 8s use anger like a palisade to hide behind and defend the softer, more tender feelings of the open-hearted, innocent child they once were. This impulsiveness leaves 8s prone to being overindulgent and excessive (7). 8s see themselves as honest, outspoken and audacious. They care deeply about justice and fairness. They will step in front of a speeding train for their small circle of friends. They have no problem speaking truth to power, and the only number in the Enneagram brave enough to confront oppressors of the world.
They will accept any challenge and expect others to challenge them in return. 8s value truth therefore when they confront others, it allows them to think they can force people’s real intentions or hidden agendas out in the open or reveal whether or not they can be trusted. 8s worry a lot about betrayal. They want the unvarnished truth. They are highly intuitive; so they can smell deception a mile away. You don’t want to lose an 8s’ trust. It takes a long time to get it back, so always lead with the truth. 8s don’t feel like they have to be the person in control - they just don’t want to be controlled. 8s are more likely to stand up to a bully. They don’t feel a need to conform, but they know when it’s to their advantage to follow the rules. Their motive is with hopes they’ll be rewarded with more freedom and independence for good behavior or performance. They need to remember that mistakes and weaknesses teach us the value of apology, and trust in which the experience of forgiveness blossoms by following another leader. When they are in the silence of their own hearts, they will beat themselves up mercilessly (2). 8s need to be reminded that moderation is a virtue; not a restraining order. When they are in a healthy space, they’re a blast to be with - they laugh easily, entertain generously and tell the kind of jokes that make you donkey snort. At the end of the day, they want to find someone with whom they can feel safe enough to relax their defenses and reveal their heart. They are zealous, tenacious, decisive, innovative, resourceful and persistent. They’re terrific troubleshooters because they just make things happen.
Awakened Eights with a 9 wing (8w9) are more approachable and open to cooperation. They are supportive, modest and less blustery. Therefore more people are happy to follow their lead. In a sense, they are successful negotiators in every situation. However, they are easily distracted and forget their priorities.
When they become angry, it takes a lot of effort to ignore the anger while defending their serenity. They’re angry because of the sacrifices they have made to keep the peace and hold relationships together. They’re loaded with unresolved anger therefore will resort to falling asleep when it becomes overwhelming. They feel if they let their anger out, it will hurt or kill someone they love. So much so, they tire themselves out from this task to doze off. When they are overwhelmed with anxiety, they space out in a trancelike state. If they fall too deeply in this trance, they become increasingly absent-minded and less productive. Conversations with them are a delight as long as they don’t switch over to cruise control. You’ll know when they’ve done this when they launch a long drawn out story containing more details than you can ever thought possible. They can be ambivalent at times when faced with unlimited possibilities. However, their ability to see two sides to everything makes them natural mediators. They love life’s simple pleasures and are able to reconnect with people who reach out to them. So even after years of not seeing a person, they can pick up the conversation from where they left off. Therefore they make wonderful counselors, teachers, clergy or public relations executives. They have a profound awareness of the interconnectedness of all things in creation. God didn’t invite you to this party to live someone else’s life. Your life matters so we need you as you are. Resist the urge to fall back on passive-agressive behaviors like procrastination and avoidance. If you feel angry, be honest and open.
Awakened Eights with a 7 wing (8w7) live life to the fullest. So they are more social and gregarious than other 8s.
Awakened Eights with 5 wing (8w5) become less connected with their emotions when stressed. Some experience insomnia, eat poorly and/or stop exercising.
Awakened Eights with wing 2 (8w2) become more caring, learn to listen and value other’s point of view. When 8s are spiritually self-aware, they are powerhouses of fearlessness, compassion, inspiration, liveliness, companionship, loyalty, self-confidence, intuitiveness, commitment and forgiveness. They have some understanding of needing self-care, self-investment by doing creative things, which brings them joy. When they are stressed, they become more demanding and controlling. They tend to blame other people for what makes them unhappy which would make them look aggressive and vengeful. Reminders for 8s: “Living behind a facade of bluster and toughness to mask one’s fear of emotional harm is cowardice; not bravery. If you want to love and be loved, you have to risk being vulnerable. It’s the price of admission. Don’t always play the part of a rebel. They’re not all bad people. What may feel like passion to you, is intimidating for others. Offer an unqualified apology when people tell you that you’ve ran over them. When you’re angry, stop yourself and ask if you’re hiding or defending.”
Resonating statements of being an 8
- Doing things halfway is not my spiritual gift
- In relationships that matter to me, I insist on being honest about conflicts and staying in the fight until it’s resolved
- It’s hard for me to trust people
- Justice is worth fighting for
- Saying “no” is not a problem for me
- I welcome opposition. Bring it.
- I make decisions fast and from the gut.
- I don’t like it when people beat about the bush
- I’m wary of people who are super nice
- Don’t mess with the people I love
- I have no problem confronting a bully
- Under my tough exterior is a tender, loving heart
My reaction to this personality from my Enneagram test is: "Damn.." 🤣🤣🤣. It's really spot on. The reason why I started with the Type 8 personality is because it was the first one listed in Chapter 1 of the book, "The Road Back to you." The questions in the workbook were very thought provoking. There are behaviors I do want to improve in. I need to manage my anger better than I was doing 18 years ago. The best part about my life with God is, when I ask him what I needed to do for him, he brings people to me. Whether they realize it or not, I always let them know that I care. If they ever need anything, I would do my best to help them out. This is how I give back to God. I don't have to prove to anybody that I am a good person (Proverbs 11:25).
The Peacemaker (Type 9; Gut Triad - How I deal with my environment)
Average 9s come off as sweet and easygoing. However, they are stubborn and out of touch with their anger. The are usually overlook themselves by feeling unimportant or occasionally invest in themselves. They don't ask for much although they appreciate what others do for them. This failure to risk fully engaging with life stems in part from the 9s need to avoid conflict at all costs. They fear that expressing their preferences or asserting their agenda will put important relationships at risk and upset the calm surface of their inner sea. Since they value maintaining the comfortable and tranquil status quo, preserving connections with others matter much more than their own viewpoints and aspirations. Self-forget allows them to fall asleep to their lives.
In fact, they can merge so deeply with the life program and identity of another that they eventually mistake it as their own. From this vantage point, they benefit seeing the world as the other Type number sees it, but also naturally incorporate into themselves a measure of the core characteristic strengths associated with every Personality type. With this innate ability, they drop their healthy boundaries to fuse with a more assertive partner, whom they respect and from whom they hope to glean a sense of identity and purpose.
Resonating statements of being a 9
- Sometimes I get lost in doing trivial tasks, while things that really need to get done is put off
- I tend to procrastinate
- When I get distracted, and go off task, I give my attention to whatever is happening right in front of me
- Others see me as more peaceful than I really am
- I have a hard time getting started, but once I do, I really get things done.
- I’m a "what you see is what you get" type of person.
- People think I’m a good listener even though I find it hard to pay attention in a long conversation
- Sometimes I tune out and think about the past
- Being outdoors is very soothing for me
- I am often quietly stubborn when people put demands on me
- I would feel selfish to spend a whole day doing whatever I want to do
I truly resonate with what I discovered about this Personality Type. I adapt well with others because I want to be everybody's friend. I learned earlier in my childhood that not everybody wants to be my friend. When I was an adolescent, I realized that being ambivalent about my relationship with others led to more stress than I care to admit. I later found out in my journey that I am an Emotional Empath - as the author states on page 75 of "The Road back to you," Although 9s seem to tread in ambivalence, there are times when they know exactly what they have to do and how they need to do it; regardless of the controversy or conflict it will cause or how much it will cost them personally. In other words, what you feel; I feel it too. I expend that emotion 10 folds back to the original person feeling that emotion. It has caused a lot of pain for many people I love dearly. What my husband and I are working on, is finding common ground and a safe space to channel my empath abilities at an object (my potato pillow) rather than at each other.
In regards to my mother, even though I expressed my love to her (whether in deed or in truth), having to hear her say that my expressions are not good enough, is not only provoking me to act violently but also feeling physically sick (migraine, panic attack, fatigue, insomnia and anhedonia). As much as it pains me to say, "I wish my mom would love me for who I am so I can live a peaceful and wonderful life," I'd rather live my life without her. She is not part of the enrichment factor of my life. God gives us the promise that we, who live a giving lifestyle end up living in abundance. Sadly, my mother is not the giving type of person when it comes to me.
The Perfectionist (Type 1; Gut Triad - How I deal with my environment)
Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people ~ Anne Lamott
Perfection is the enemy of excellence ~ Goethe
A common perfectionist has judging and comparing minds that naturally spot errors and imperfections. They struggle to accept that imperfection is inevitable while fearing the tyranny of that critical voice in their head. Even though they are fueled by anger, it expresses itself as smoldering resentment. Controlling their behavior and emotions is a priority. Hence they become mercilessly hard on themselves. Because they believe they occupy the superior moral, ethical and spiritual high ground, they tend to hold high expectations of others and themselves. Their inner critic never goes away. It’s hard for them to turn it off. Though very sensitive to criticism themselves, they express a sense of shock when you tell them that you feel harshly criticized compared to their bitter self-recrimination they drink from every day. When they are stressed, their inner critic begins working overtime. So their need to be in a perfect world goes into overdrive. They become more resentful when others are having fun, more sensitive to criticism, and depressed. If they stay in this space for too long, they feel unloved, lose confidence and long to be of obligations and responsibilities. They always want to do the right thing so they tend to double-check. They will pause before finishing a thought. They will always ask lots of questions about whether they’re doing things correctly and tend to take responsibility for things that aren’t their fault. They make top-notch lawyers, judges, politicians, military personnel, law enforcers and teachers. Because they worry about making mistakes, they need regular feedback and encouragement. When they start ranting with a disproportionate amount of energy about something, that’s probably not what they’re angry about. Gently ask clarifying questions and give them enough space to trace the line back to help them figure out what’s really going on with them. When the voice of their inner critic gets quieter, they’re more self-accepting, spontaneous, fun, open to trying new things and shift their attention to what’s good and right about the world.
Awakened Ones with 2 wing (1w2) are more extroverted, warm, helpful and empathetic but can be more critical and controlling. So most of them can be sensitive to criticism. They tend to be concerned about doing things properly because they want to be seen as dependable and responsible. They are effective in problem solving as individuals and in groups. They are generous in their response to church, education, community, government and family. They tend to talk a lot and accept too many tasks in a day. They readily sense other people’s needs. Without the influence of the 9, they will tend to have too many expectations for others; so when they feel let down, the result is often resentment as well as prone to guilt. As a result, they are less trusting and expect a bit more in return for their efforts. They need to be reminded that a person does not need to be perfect to be good. They will have to befriend their inner critic to be whole by naming it.
To awaken self-compassion, capture it in a journal. When Darkness comes, smile and tell her that you’ve taken a new path to self-acceptance in life. When you are ready to dive into correct an injustice, ask yourself whether the passion you feel is a misplaced anger or addressing the real issue. Forgive yourself and others for mistakes. Everyone makes them. Be aware of how you receive criticism from others and accept it without being defensive. Pick up a hobby you enjoy and just do it for the love of it. If you find yourself procrastinating, ask yourself what you’re afraid of if you won’t be able to accomplish it perfectly. Find people with Type 7 or Type 9 to help you relax and have fun. Resist the urge to redo other people’s tasks. Instead, appreciate them for the things they have done right.
Resonating statements of being a 1
- People have told me that I can be overly critical and judgmental
- I beat myself up when I make mistakes
- I don’t like it when people ignore or break the rules
- Details are important to me
- If I say I’ll do it, then I’ll do it - don’t call me a liar
- It is hard for me to let go of resentment
- I think it is my responsibility to leave the world better than I found it
- I spend a lot of time thinking about how I could be a better person
- Forgiveness is hard for me
- I notice immediately when things are wrong or out of place
- I worry a lot
- I am really disappointed when other people don’t do their part
- I do my best when working on a project and wish others to do the same so I don’t have to redo their work
- I often feel like I try harder than others to do things correctly
My inner critic is named Darkness. Andreas calls it Elizabeth. My journal, CJ was burnt - I cannot reclaim what was lost, but I remember the sentiment. Essentially what I wrote to CJ was, how much of a critic my mother was towards me. I have met people who give constructive criticism. It has a different sense of tone than what my mother expressed to me during my childhood. I'm not oblivious to reason and practicality. Just because I was young, naive and inexperienced, that doesn't mean I was an imbecile. For someone who claims that they are a better parent than their sire, Proverbs 22:6 can prove otherwise.
I was a young mother too. I sought help from people who were willing to teach me to be a better parent to my child. To be ridiculed for doing so, it makes me wonder if my mother was treating me the same way she was treated as a child. Don't get me wrong. I admire my mother's tenacity and resiliance. She worked 7 jobs while my father was painstakingly looking for clients to pay what was due to him. She is stronger and braver than she would ever care to realize. Whatever it is she wants from me, I cannot give it. No matter how much she nags me. I cannot go back to what God redeemed me from (Proverbs 11:24). I freely gave my all only to be thrown hurtful words at my face. I would much rather look for other people, whom I can spend my energy and time so that I can bless them the same way God blesses me (an excerpt from Daily Gifts of Hope: Devotions for each day of your year, Daily Devotion August 27, 2015. A birthday gift my mom gave me on my 37th birthday).
The Helper (Type 2; Heart Triad - Will you like me?)
Healthy 2s can often name their own needs and feelings without fear of losing relationships. They are generous in their efforts to love well and care for others. These happy, secure 2s have appropriate boundaries, knowing what is theirs to do and what is not. They create a comfortable, safe space for others and are often considered to be a friend by many. They adapt well to changing circumstances and are aware of their true self that exists beyond their relationships. Their sin of pride comes to play when they foist their assistance and advice on those they deem less experienced and less capable people, who would otherwise be lost without them. They rarely ask for help. Even though they accept you as you are, they seeth with resentment when the expectations of a returned favor is not met. Because their self-worth depends on the response they receive from others, they lack the ability to recognize what’s happening in the moment in order to be compassionate when they are not acknowledged for their “kindness".
What they need to realize is that people don’t have to feel the need of 2s fulfilling their needs just to be in their lives. When they spend so much time and energy seeing to the needs of others, they have lost touch meeting their own needs. Encourage them to recognize that their needs can be met without humiliation and rejection. We are not mind readers. They feel things deeply and it’s easy for them to express emotions. Because of their intuitiveness with highly developed interpersonal skills, they can build a community. They remember people’s birthdays, names of people’s kids, first to know about people’s background story or who’s pregnant. As leaders, they know how to recruit the right people for the job. They need to learn the difference between self-interested and altruistic giving. Once they have developed a healthy self-knowledge and self-awareness, they can learn to give to others free of charge. Remind yourself that you’re neither the best nor the worst. Don’t push away feelings of resentment or entitlement when they arise. Recognize and acknowledge the invitation to these feelings. Congratulate yourself for spotting it, take a deep breath, dial it back and start over again. Don’t worry if you cannot supply an answer right away. Practice saying, “Let me think about it."
Resonating Statements of being a 2
- I am anxious to overcome misunderstandings in a relationship
- Even people I don’t know well, share deep stuff about their lives with me
- I need to be acknowledged and appreciated for my contributions
- I’m more comfortable giving than receiving
- I like my home to feel like a safe and welcoming place for family and others
- I care a great deal about what people think of me
- I like it when the people who love me, do something unexpected for me
- Lots of people ask me for help, and it makes me feel valuable
- People say my emotions can feel over-the-top
- I feel angry and conflicted when my needs conflict with others
- Sometimes it is hard for me to watch movies because I find it almost unbearable to see people suffer
- I worry a lot about being forgiven when I make mistakes
I find this Personality type amusing because not only is on point, I'm still experiencing this today. I don't believe this is something than can be eradicated completely. It is a part of me, which I have to manage constantly. It's like the rule of 5 minutes. If you call someone ugly, can you honestly believe someone can fix that in 5 minutes? Are you insane? If I have a booger hanging from my nose, please tell me! I can fix it in 3 seconds.
I am deaf (left ear) and hard of hearing (right ear). According to my audiologist, I was already affected by hearing loss long before I arrived at the clinic to receive my hearing aids.
In other words, the reason why I was loud and obnoxious around my mother was because I was already losing my hearing. The incident with the megaphone in college only added the ear drum damage to my already existing hearing loss. It made sense as to why the recruiter from the Military Entrance Processing Station requested another audio test. The audiologist at the MEPS testing center had no choice but to give me a fair pass to be enlisted. Nobody at the testing center told me I was deaf at 19. The recruiter at MEPS wanted his commission so badly.
The Romantic (Type 4; Heart Triad - Will you like me?)
Healthy 4s have a considerable emotional range, and they manage it by not speaking or acting on every feeling they have. They know they don’t have to be special to win God’s unconditional love. These 4s have found a way to live, for the most part, outside the pattern of shame and inferiority. They are deeply creative, emotionally honest and connected, and attuned to beauty. They make wonderful friends, co-workers and partners. They’re hard working, generous and marvelously creative. They’ll awaken you to the beauty and transcendent nature of the world by guiding you into emotions you would otherwise never dare to feel. As artists, they can say clearly what you always felt vaguely. They’re more empathetic than any other Enneagram types. They know that there’s nothing they can do to help with your pain than be in solidarity with you until whatever afflictive emotion you’re experiencing has finished its work in you. They can be incredibly funny people since their weird take on the world and sense of irony can produce outrageous, comedic moments. Many 4s may gravitate toward careers in the arts by don’t exclusively choose arts-related career paths. Because they are comfortable accompanying people on their journeys through painful times, they make great therapists, pastoral counselors and spiritual directors. They’ll thrive as long as their work affords them the opportunity to express their creativity, depth of feeling and distant style. They may take on the healthy traits of 1s where they stop talking about their creative ideas and actually buckle down to realize them into reality. They are more aware of the present, centered and calm. They are much successful in relationships knowing they can have feelings without talking about them or acting on them.
Even though envy is the deadly sin of 4s, they already posses many wonderful qualities which make them unique. Their talk style is lament. They are their feelings. In a sense it is the basis of their identity. Given their love and over identification with charged emotions, their mood is in a constant state of flux. A 4 can take a minor tiff with a friend and turn it into a Wagner Opera. All these theatrics often push away the people with whom they want to make their most heartfelt connection. They have rich imaginations where they can reflect and pine about the past. They are known for wearing clothes that set them apart from the social norms in order to attract attention of eccentricity. It may look like it was haphazardly put together but it is a well thought out achievement. The search for authenticity means everything to them. They can spot a poseur a mile away. They don’t like mediocrity, superficiality, or people who are unsparingly optimistic all the time. They care deeply about beauty and art. They will decorate their homes in a way that reflects their originality and create things that give expression to their feelings. They take up unusual hobbies in addition to having a wildly interesting and diverse group of friends. All these elite interests can give people the impression that they are snobbish and aloof. On the contrary, it invites others to connect with them more than anything else.
They find meaning best expressed through imagery, metaphors, story-telling and symbols that can express feelings and truths that tests the limits of language. Their longing desire to belong draws out their envy to desire characteristics others posses. Even though they can get jealous, it’s basis is mostly fear of abandonment. The present to them seems unbearable at times, and the future is fraught with anxiety so they always think a lot about the past. If you see them looking off with a 100-mille stare, they’re probably ruminating a “What if?” refrain in their head. This unfolds a high-maintenance dramatic relationship with friends or partners. They want to dig deep into the heart of whatever’s going on between you and them. They want you to be there with them. They can even leverage trivial events into opportunities to show off their Shakespearean flair. When their demand for peak emotional experiences exceeds supply, they might instigate a drama with a friend or partner, then after several weeks of silence, extend an awkward apology in a form of a poem or a song they’ve written or performed. Their anxiety in re-experiencing the abandonment they endured in the past plays itself out as a challenge in their relationships because they want to know if their friends or partners can “detach from them without withdrawing.”
You have to listen without necessarily agreeing with them. If you love a 4, you cannot allow yourself to be sucked into their swirling emotional vortex. You have to remain detached, allow them to do their thing until they’re done, and whatever you do, DON’T leave them. If you do, it only confirms their worst fear, which is that they are “irredeemably deficient.” 4s need to have their feelings acknowledged and their loved ones need to understand that their melancholy is not depression. If their rumination is left uncheck, they are then in danger of experiencing depression on a mental health level. They will procrastinate if you ask them to tackle projects that involve too many details especially with spreadsheets. They dislike uniformity, regulation, and an abundance of rules and expectations. They aren’t great in teams where their gifts might get buried in the mix. They want to be seen and appreciated for bringing unique perspectives. Sure, they’re temperamental, but if you give them something special to do, they’ll outperform your expectations. As leaders, they make decisions on the basis of feelings and intuition, which can freak data-orientated people out. They can lead by force of personality, which can intimidate the people who work for them. Their ability to bring compatible people together and create a climate of collaboration versus competition is invaluable. They’re inspiring, and bring out what’s special in others. Be real with them; inauthentic or frivolous people are invisible to them.
Awakened Fours with 3 wing (4w3) want to be both the most unique and the best. Their energy is competitive and more aware of their emotional intensity and quirky idiosyncrasies to dial back in order to be socially acceptable. They tend to be more outgoing and productive; turning their dreams into reality. They have frequent mood swings than those with 4w5s characteristic tendencies. When they are stressed, they act like unhealthy 2s, craving attention, requesting a lot of reassurance and affirmation from their friends and partners. They need to be reminded that there’s nothing missing in their life. Their journey toward spiritual health and vitality, will involve doing some work in this realm. They must learn to regulate and stabilize their emotions. Once they cultivate equanimity, they are able to detach their feelings from their identity. With prayer, meditation, and self-knowledge, they will mellow with the healing message, “I see you. You’re beautiful. Don’t be ashamed.” Remind them to listen to others’ stories about their own suffering and realize that it isn’t about you. Don’t instigate drama - you’re not Shakespeare. Go out of your way to express appreciation for what’s present in the moment with the people you love and offer yourself the gift of unconditional self-friendship. Never give up on yourself. Figure out what causing your suffering and do what you can to heal it. Never compare yourself to others and work hard for what’s possible in your relationship, career or community and see it through completion. When the past calls, let it go. Don’t embellish by getting swept up in your feelings.
Resonating statements of being a 4 with 3 wing
- I never really felt like I belonged
- I have so many feelings in a day; it’s hard to know which ones to pay attention to first
- I’m very sensitive to criticism, and it takes me a while to get over it
- I spend a lot of time trying to explain myself
- When people tell me what to do, I’m often tempted to do the opposite of what is asked of me
- Sometimes I just disappear and go radio silent for a few days
- I’m okay with sad songs, sad stories and sad movies. Overly happy people give me a headache.
- I’m self-conscious of my status quo. It’s hard for me to find my place in a room full of people
- People say I’m too intense and my feelings overwhelm them
- I’m either an artist or highly creative. I come up with one amazing, creative idea after another. It’s executing them that’s hard.
- Lots of people misunderstand me, and it makes me angry, frustrated, annoyed, irritated, infuriated, piqued, and vexed
- The keys to my happiness are efficiency, productivity, and being acknowledged as the best.
- I keep a close watch on how people are responding to me in the moment
- It's hard for me to leave work while on vacation
- I like other people to know about my accomplishments.
When my mother accompanied my father to Brunei, she told me that we could spend more time together. Something happened between my parents. All I remember was being inflicted with a lot of pain and suffering from her episodes of migraine, incessant yelling bouts and unrestrained mar whenever she felt I was contemptible. I never understood why she felt I was opprobrious towards her. That is so far from the truth.
I love my mother. I always have. I was angry for a long time (1986 - 2004). I was only 25 when my relationship with Chris became toxic. I had to be ordered to take self-help classes because my relationship between my mother and Chris became unbearable where it was affecting my work in the office. When I earnestly sought help and forgiveness from my mother - I was inspired by the happy ending of the Prodigal Son, I figured - why not give it a chance? Just as expected, I was told I was on my own. I was told,"Since you put myself in this mess, God should show you the way out." How do you think I should feel?
Even though I had my child, I felt alone and isolated. Feeling alone and isolated since the age of 7 was not something I want to spend the rest of my life living. Chris made it difficult for me to come up with a beneficial solution. I became violent towards Chris. I was only 10 when I resorted to violence. When he fought back, I couldn't imagine my life without my child. I tried to sort things out. We tried marriage counseling. I took anger management classes. It got to the point where my efforts became a moot solution.
Even after the divorce, I couldn't separate the difference between frustration and belligerent. I truly felt I didn't belong anywhere. When I realize that my behavior was affecting my child, I knew I had to do something different. I stopped communicating with my mother. It wasn't until my 30th birthday, I tried to reconcile my relationship with my mother. Sadly, it did not end in good terms. I did not speak to her again until my father's passing the next year. I came alone; which was a big mistake. My mother accused me of so many things. I didn't know where to begin. I screamed at the top of my lungs. She truly believed I became demon-possessed. Honestly, I had nothing good to say when she uttered all these accusations. Forgiveness is a process that takes time, patience, and determination. It doesn't mean forgetting or excusing the harm done to you or making up with the person who caused the harm. How do you know you've been forgiven? When the person change their outlook by releasing the pain of emotional guilt they have placed upon the other person. They have made a conscious choice to surrender any ill-will towards the other person.
I was told I forgive too easily. I have to - not to have them out of sight and mind; or because it was my Christian duty. I have anger issues. My anger stems from prolonged exposure to violence done to me. I have tried helping my mom during her time of need. Granted it was short term, but having her constantly nag at my ear for being an obstinate child is getting unbecoming and old.
There was a time I called her to see how she was doing. Her initial greeting was, "What do you want?!"
"Uh, to say, "Hello?" I guess I'm not allowed to do that? Maybe I'll just call another time to say, 'Happy Birthday' then?" The conversation will last about 10 minutes before the interrogation and nagging starts all over again. Granted, no body has my memory. With all due respect I did ask, "Why are we at this again?" When she ask me to explain, I got pulled into a conversation that shouldn't have happened. Then, I have opened myself to accusations. This went on for 18 years.
I haven't spoken to my mother since August 24, 2020. Will I ever have my mother see me for who I am? I don't know. Would I dare try again to reconcile our relationship? No. I'm not angry at my mother - not in the least. Have I been keeping tabs of her failures? No. Right now, these recollections are my way of trying to make sense of how to communicate effectively to a very jaded person.
As I have stated before: all I want is for my mom to be happy, healthy and successful. She deserves it. I wouldn't have made it if I was working 7 jobs. Whether she realizes it or not, she is an amazing woman. When she wants something, she'll find a way to get it. That's not me. I prefer to wait for an opportunity - if God wills it. The anticipation of it all is euphoric. If it doesn't happen, eh - maybe something better is coming. If it's too difficult to anticipate, I don't worry about it anymore. Trust me. It took me 18 years to come to this realization.
As for now, it's better for us to be 2,544 miles apart. As my psychologist puts it: it is better to reflect on the teachable moments of your experience; so that when the good memories come up, write them down. This will allow you to remember the good things the other has done for you. It doesn't help the healing process when you ruminate the traumas.
In the span of 18 years attempting to reconcile with my mom, I genuinely enjoyed her honesty in sharing the present moment, the transparency of her feelings and allowing us to have a decent conversation about life in general.
As Dr Caroline Leaf explains in her videos, when we choose to focus on toxic things, our mind is trained to embrace those toxic memories. By doing so, they become toxic behaviors. We must renew our thoughts to think of changing our minds to choose life. As God reminds his people on Mount Sinai, "Choose Life, that you might live." (Deuteronomy 30:19)
I don't have to prove to anyone that I'm not a toxic person by nature. Nobody is. We are formed and made to love because God is love. When you are made new in Christ, you will bear the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-24). As a mother, I learned the fundamental truth that a child is pure of heart (Proverbs 20:11). It is our duty as parents to teach them the ways of God (Deuteronomy 6:5-9). Now that my child is a young adult, it is my sole duty to guide them to the path of righteousness for His name's sake (Deuteronomy 4:9-10; 1 Timothy 4:10-11). My child and I had a difficult journey to walk through when I divorced from their father (Colossians 3:21). It took me 12 years to work through the struggles we had together (Ephesians 6:4). It took a lot of self-help classes and counseling to find the peace we needed to bond as a storge kinship (1 Corinthians 8:9). This is how I know to honor my parents.
Yes; they mistreated me. That is something I cannot change. I never blamed them. I admit I was angry. I never understood the things they said and did to me. Everything they did was opposite to what I learned in the Bible. If God had not answered my challenge that fateful day I wanted to end my life, I wouldn't be here telling my story. The testament of my faith in Christ, who saved me from my deadly sin: Anger/Wrath.
I still have a long journey to go. I have learned a lot from my reflection and I have seen the miracles God has blessed me with. It's sad my mother missed out on all of the wonderful things I've done. I just want us to be okay. It's really sad that it had to end like this.
I know there is hope. Mercy is ever-lasting. Hence my painting blog: The ultimate forgiveness
The Investigator (Type 5; Head Triad - How do I deal with my anxiety?)
Unhealthy 5s have a defensive personality that is preoccupied with security, independence and privacy. Withholding personal information is a classic trait of 5s. Avarice, which is 5’s deadly sin expresses itself in their desire for acquiring knowledge, information, ideas, conceptual models, expertise, interesting facts and understanding for how things work. Since their characteristic type falls under the anxiety attributes of the enneagram, their desire for finding a sense of control and safe refuge in this unpredictable world is through understanding, gathering knowledge, and mastering information as keys to survival. 5s are actively watching - taking in information and filling it for future use. 5s have to have independence so as to maintain their self-sufficiency to recharge. 5s don’t like meetings. They would rather you give them a project, tell them when it’s due and allow them to accomplish it however and whenever they choose. They are generally impatient in group discussions because they crave independence from group decisions.
Resonating statements being a 5
- I can take care of myself, and I think others can do the same
- I don’t always say things out loud, but in my head, I am pretty sarcastic and cynical
- I often feel awkward around other people
- I’m okay if people ask me a few specific questions about myself, but I don’t like it when people want too much information
- People are wasteful. I hold on to what I have
- In groups, being uninformed makes me very uncomfortable
The Enthusiast (Type 7; Head Triad - How do I deal with my anxiety?)
Average 7s reframe almost everything that is sad, limiting or could be perceived as failure, changing the narrative so that even the most negative events are recast in an affirming way. They find most of their happiness in anticipation and much of their sadness in the reality that their expectations are seldom realized. They entertain others including themselves to feel safe and claim their place in a group. Though they are very popular, they find commitment to be a challenge and have great trouble finishing projects, often jumping from one thing to the next.
When healthy, they embody joy and boundless love for life. Most mornings they burst into life just like children finding out it's snowing on school day. 7s crave stimulation. That's why their deadly sin is gluttony. It isn't about their fondness of [surrounding themselves with rich epicures of fine dining] but their compulsiveness to devour positive experiences, stimulating ideas and fine material goods in order to fend off suffering, hurtful memories and a feeling of chronic deprivation. All of us have ways of defending ourselves from pain. For 7s, it's keeping things lively and positive. There's always something they haven't tried. This is how they divert their attention away from anxieties that haunt them. Their denial to negative feelings wind up costing them their most authentic self. 7s believe they can think their way out of pain. When situations become too emotionally intense or distressing, they will fell an irrepressible urge to lighten things up a little.
They're wonderful human beings, particularly when they've learned to face up to the fact that life consists of both agony and joyful moments. Not all 7s become addicts. They are masters of polishing a bad situation into a positive light to skirt the feeling of pain. This defense mechanism is instantaneous, intuitive and impressive. They can rationalize good reasons for doing whatever it was they were doing no matter how much it would cost them or others. They love to debate and articulate their wits even though they know less about the topic than their opponent.
Regardless of the underlying factors in anticipating possible disaster, they will adopt a strategy of going to plan for adventures, entertain captivating ideas and imagine a life where the sky's the limit. Curiosity defines them. There's never a dull moment when they plan out their next adventure or ask you to join them in one.
When they're under stress, they can adopt the unhealthy and perfectionistic behaviors of Ones. They become pessimistic, judgmental and argumentative. When they feel secure, they behave like healthy Fives. When they connect to the positive side of Five, they can experience satisfaction in the truest sense of the word.
The healing message they need to hear and believe is God will take care of you. It will take courage, determination, honesty, and encouragement; as well as understanding friendships to hep them confront painful memories and to stay with afflictive feeling as they arise in the present moment. If they cooperate with the process, they will grow a deep heart and become a truly integrated person.
If you are in a committed relationship with a 7, you know what wonderful companions they are. Their storytelling can keep a group on edge or feel excited when they act out their experience of what happened to them. Most of all, they're always interest in your inner life. However, the fascination with your life is more of a symptom of their gluttony than a sign of genuine interest.
They are dreamers and initiators. Their ability to synthesize information from a wide range of subject areas, spot unseen patterns and connect the dots inside complex bodies of knowledge, and notice where systems overlap make them prolific idea generators. Their keen sense of analytical skills and their capacity to envision an organizations preferred future, make them invaluable contributors to advancing the mission of any corporation. They are marvelous team players; but be forewarned that they aren't managers or maintainers. They work better under conditions that offer both firmness and flexibility.
Awakened Sevens with a six wing are more settled than other 7s. Since they are fueled by the conscientiousness of the Six, they give projects and people more time before moving on to the next thing. The are sensitive and a bit more anxious, but successfully use charm to disarm. Once they commit to a relationship, they have a good chance of staying connected and working out challenges in it. These 7s are dutiful and loyal to family and friends. They are funny, entertaining and accepting of others.
Resonating statements being a 7
- I suffer from fear of missing out
- People close to me say I can be argumentative and act superior
- Variety and spontaneity are the spice of life
- Sometimes I get so eager for the future, I can hardly wait for it to get here
- It's hard for me to finish things. When I get close to the end of a project, I start thinking about the next thing. Then I get so excited, I move on to the next thing
- Other people think I am sure of myself, but I have lots of doubts
- I quickly get bored with the same routine and like to try new things
- Almost everything can be more fun and entertaining with a little effort [going out for a walk or frolicking through the meadow or saying "hello" to the birds in the tree]
- I think people worry more than they should
- I don't like it when people have [unreasonable] expectations of me
There was so much truth to how this personality deals with stress is parallel to my own way of managing my own stress. My mind is overwhelmed on how much the Enneagram reveals that all people belong to one of nine personality types. The purpose of the Enneagram is not to put you in a box nor will it tell you to replace your personality with a new one, but to help you identify both the strengths and the limitations of a preferred strategy to self-discovery; as well as to give you guidance on how you may develop more capacity beyond self-knowledge in the hopes of helping you improve your relationship with others and growing compassion for others.
It's hard to believe that God wants us to be successful spiritually, particularly when trials come our way. This reminds me of Job's predicament where everything in his life turned for the worst. Job praised God because he believed God is good. Nothing escapes His notice. The good news is that God is near no matter what happens to us. His presence is what helps us walk through trials, learn from them, and become stronger, wiser and more successful in life than we could ever imagine.
I did not write this out of malice against my mother. I want my mother to be happy, healthy and successful. I hope this would shed some light on every aspect of my lifestyle. Just because we are limited with our humanity, it doesn't mean we cannot be limitless with our godliness (Philippians 4:13). When it was revealed to me that I have the Gift of Miracles, I thought it was a mistake. God showed my how my gift works. It was exhilarating and overwhelming at first. In full confidence when the opportunity presents itself, I always assure the recipient that God has seen their struggles. Their miracles are heading their way. In short, I'm the angel Gabriel on Earth. God's promises are an emotional shockwave. Your joy will overflow so much, you're going to cry and sing, "Good God, Almighty!" in a Rick Flair sort of way. God chooses us in our weakened state so that we may glorify His name forevermore. There is no possible way we can outdo God's generosity. The only way to give back to Him is to see to the need of others. After all, don't you want to be hugged when you're down? or be congratulated when you accomplished a difficult challenge? or just enjoy the weekend to go out on adventures with someone you know?
Just because many Christian Churches focus on our sins and unholiness, doesn't mean God is doing the same thing to us. In fact, God did more than that. He sent His Son. The Son of Man came to those who needed him the most.
Jesus of Nazareth, Son of Man, Israel's messiah was chosen to show us the way back to God. Whether or not you accept the truth, it is not my place to judge you. If my story has given you hope and a ray of sunshine, then I will praise God with all my heart, soul and mind. He has renewed my faith. His steadfast love never ceases. His mercies never come to an end. They are new every morning. Great is God's faithfulness! In Jesus' mighty name, Amen.
How do you cultivate friendships according to God’s grace?
Zach Hoag challenges us to find the root of your faith by finding out who Jesus really is. This is the foundation of our faith; not our perception of who Jesus should be or cultural expression of Christianity or religious values. This is a self-deception and dysfunctional. Jesus is not your mascot. He is your lord and savior. He is the way to your heart to God, the truth of your relationship with God and the life you can live with God. His blessings come in forms we don't seem to always appreciate. We have to remind ourselves that these blessings are from God. Don't discount the foolish things in your life. They are what allows us to seek God in honesty, ask for mercy and find redemption (1 Corinthians 1:26-27).
If we are to truly love our neighbors beyond ourselves, would it be too much to ask to also love your enemies?
The pastor of Bethel Church, California stated, “People don’t need psychiatrists; they need good friends - people they can really talk to.”
Who is your covenant friend? A covenant friend is someone whom you have built trust, confidence and bonded with; especially based on similar interests - yet honest enough with each other to be accountable for one another.
Do you have any relationships you wish you should have but couldn’t?
What is preventing the relationship from developing?
Pastor Melissa Tumino writes from her blog, ‘www.thinkaboutsuchthings.com':
#1 The world doesn’t revolve around you
The moment you stop focusing on your self interest, the friendship will reap the benefits of a lasting relationship to come.
#2 Be a safe place for them
No matter what the circumstances they are facing, help them. Don’t judge them, don’t make them feel worse than they already are, and don’t give advice in which was never welcomed. If you don’t know what to say, ask: “How can I be helpful to your needs?”
#3 Reveal yourself to them. Don’t hide who you truly are.
Friendship is a two-way road. Be transparent and openly honest.
#4 Don’t be afraid to confront them if they hurt your feelings; don’t become defensive when they confront you.
In one of Pastor Wiens podcast, he says, “Stop yourself!” Just as God told the Korashites, “Be still; and know that I am God.” (Psalms 46: 10) If you truly value your friendship, try your best to listen and understand their point of view. (Galatians 5: 22 - 23; Philippians 4: 5)
#5 Cover them in prayer and never offend anyone (2 Corinthians 6: 3)
Do not be a stumbling block (Luke 17: 1 - 4). Live with integrity (Titus 2: 7). Once you have established a bonding friendship, you can minister to each other in truth. If we follow and proclaim the truth of the Scriptures, we will inevitably offend people. We must make every effort to live in peace with others (Romans 12: 18). It should be God’s word to bring offense in truth rather than our attitudes and reproach; especially to our non-Christian friends. As we spread the truth of God’s word, we must do so in love, humility and courage as well as ensure that we are living in the truth; by God’s truth.
#6 Comfort and support them through hard times and celebrate them through the good times
Nothing will kill a friendship like not acknowledging and responding well to the season God has let them in. (Ecclesiastes 3: 1 - 8)
#7 Don’t try to change them or put them in a box.
We are all different; whether you or your friends have similar interests or not. Just because your friend has a different ideology, doesn’t mean you have to conform them to your own idealistic philosophy.
#8 Spend time with them
Create memories with each other as it will only deepen your relationship and connection.
# 9 Encourage them when they are afraid, Support them when they are in need, Inspire them to live a purposeful life.
A friend who causes you to love God more is a keeper. As Helen Mallicoat expressed in her poem, "When you live in the past; with its mistakes and regrets, it is hard. I Am not there. My name is not I Was. When you life in the future; with its problems and fears, it is hard. I Am (H-Y-H) not there. My name is not I Will Be. When you live in this moment, it is not hard. I Am here.. My name is I Am.
Rick Warren states in his Book, ’The Purpose Driven Life,’ a journey is always better when it is shared. (Ecclesiastes 1: 11 ) The best way to explain God’s purpose for your life is to allow the Scriptures to speak for itself. To discover your purpose in life, you must turn to God’s Word, not the world’s wisdom (i.e. this Enneagram). You must build your life in Eternal Truths.
Pastor Wiens wrote that everyone wants to be appreciated for their work in the world; but approval and admiration will take you only so far. They’ll trap you there. If your Journey of Restoration and Purpose in life is to hide, God will call you out from your hiding place. Will you answer His call as He once did with Adam and Eve? May you hear God’s voice calling your name in your deepest, darkest corner of shame; where you have hidden yourself away from everybody; including yourself. May you rise from that place and boldly answer, “Here I am.”
If you’re addicted to approval, you’ve hidden your true self so well that you can’t find it anymore. As more people like you, you will realize that fewer people will love you because you’ve never given them anything real to love.
Trust isn’t a concept. It’s a way of being in a relationship in which you seek mutual flourishing. Your work on your friendship is not to gain more control, more admiration or more approval. It’s for you to give your all and the best of yourself - an intimacy of vulnerability to a life being in an honest and true friendship.
What help do you need for healing? What hope do you need so that you can move forward and share that healing with others? What type of life or environment do you thrive in where you’re allowed to cultivate the life that grows around you, tend to that life, and guard it so that it flourishes?
# 10 Above all, just love them.
The foundation of your friendship has to come from a place of God’s love. It’s not about what we can get out of from that connection. (1 John 4:17-18) The true mark of life isn't things - it's people. Whether we have a little or a lot, as long as we have great relationships, we are rich. Our lives should reflect that truth. Take a moment to thank God for your family and friends who love you deeply and enrich your life. They are your treasure and better than money. (Proverbs 15:17).
How will you see to the shalom of your friends? What are you seeking to gain from this exercise?
Think deeply. Consider what you would like to be seeking. When you look at your life - the one you actually have at this moment; and the decisions you’ve actually made where you are right now, what does it tell you that you are seeking?
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