This has been the series of events in my life for the past 12 years.
The choices we make in our everyday lives are the very attributes of our so called "selfishness." I love everyone, who are directly involved in my life. There are others outside of this close-knit circle, of whom I don't care for. I interact with everyone I meet in a very emotional level. I am, after all, an emotional person by nature. There, within is where the problem lies. No matter how many times I try to relate on an empathetic level, I feel as if I have lost connection of being a human of sound mind.
I don't apologize as easy as most people often do. I don't enjoy sounding insincere or indifferent. Sure, I am aware that I do have a temper. I try my hardest not to lose it as often as I care to express it. I do try to pick my battles when I am mindfully aware of my wrath. Other times, I just feel emotionally violated. I am very aware that Feeling is an emotional state; not a perception of reality.
The big question for me is, "How much of your past have you let go?"
Honestly, I just barely scratched the surface in letting go of my traumatic past. There are so many unanswered questions in my life. I am lost where to begin. If it were not for Angela Shelton's healing exercises, I wouldn't be here writing my experiences. I am also grateful for the support at the VA Clinic and social support in the recovering from Clinical Depression and Chronic Anxiety due to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
I've been told by family, friends and acquaintances that I have the most beautiful smile. I smile because I'm holding back the wounds and the hurt inflicted on me from my childhood. You don't have to be my closest friend to examine my smile was ever sincere. My feelings will always be sincere regardless, whether I smile or not. The only time you'll see me cry is when I'm trying to hold back my rage.
I have a lot of emotional triggers. I know my past as if it happened yesterday. If I could forget everything, I would do so. I would love to be afflicted by Alzheimer's Disease. I don't have to be constantly accused of insinuating of being antagonistic, egotistic, asinine, belligerent and an obstinate ingrate. If you do, then you have to either be cynically observant or desperately manipulative to know when to trigger these emotional memories that haunt me every sleep and waking hours of my day. Whether or not you succeed, will depend on how I will relate to you in the future.
I have a big gap of trusting people especially of whom, I care about. Do not expect me to trust you based on your superfluous kindness and generosity towards me. No matter how many times I affirm that I am in a better life than I was at before, my paranoia will still kick in. As much as I try to be considerate of others, I do tend to hide under my shell when provoked.
It is a feat to be a wholesome person. My darkness is the reason why I'm still alive and breathing. The only element I trust in my life is God. You would have to live my life to experience the manifestation of God's presence that occurred on April 16, 1995.
There is still an inkling in the back of my mind that I have expectations to meet. Expectations to aim high, be perfectly normal as possible, and be compassionately generous. The toxicity of being a model citizen can be emotional taxing. As stressful as it may seem, I am aware that I have limitations and strengths. I can only handle what I can control with whatever resources I have. I cannot be all encompassing and affluent to all resources nor do I have all the qualities you need and want me to have that does not define me as an individual. In other words, I am uniquely me. I cannot be you. I cannot think like you. I do not share the same experience you do. I am not your brain, your eyes, your mouth or your soul.
I can have positive qualities, even though it out weighs the negative qualities I do have. It's difficult enough for me to show proof I have good qualities, so why focus on my negative ones? It just makes me feel all the more hopeless, depressed and suicidal.
Yes, this is a generic feeling - an honest one at best. Whether or not I have just met you yesterday or we have known each other since the day I was born. This is how I feel the most vulnerable, if not, always genuine throughout the day. Sometimes, the adjurations of my faith processes through my sleep. Other times, I may skip falling asleep for fear of being antagonized by my mother in my dream state. Depending on how well I sleep at all, will determine how I feel about my day when I wake up.
I honestly do what I can to make myself happy. I try to be aware and mindful of how my happiness affects others. My joy and happiness affect my demeanor too.
My husband doesn't believe I am an empath. I do know that I'm a magnet to your soul. I reflect your feelings to you as much I reflect my own as a wholesome energy. The last thing you want to do is upset me. The effect of my reflecting your energy is much greater than you could ever affect me with your own energy. I can magnify your negativity like a tsunami.
I cannot be a saint all the time, but I am confident that you will appreciate my candor and blunt honesty. I cannot say this enough. But if my actions are not enough to convince you that I truly care about you, then it is not my job to change who I am for your sake.
There are over 7.8 billion people on this planet. I'm going to constantly make a mistake. I'm tired of being treated like shit. I am tired of defending my own individuality like a swan among the chickens.
I would rather die than live forever in the expectations of others who expect me to make them happy. If you're not happy with your own life, what makes you think that I can make your life any happier?
Published 3/22/14
Edited 08/30/22
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