Drafted on 3/22/25; 3:07 PM
Gossip is the unauthorized spread of rumors, often motivated by malice or for personal gain, with the intent to harm someone's reputation or relationships. In contrast, testimony is a formal statement of truth, given under oath in a legal or religious setting, with the purpose of providing accurate facts and evidence to establish the truth about a matter.
It has been 40 years since I survived domestic violence. Many people have been trying to silence me from telling my story. I admit I was angry. My eczema condition flared, my migraines were unbearable, my hypertension increased, and my liver started dying. Losing my gallbladder was not only a wake up call, but a reminder that I needed to bring myself forward to understanding God’s will for me.
The only way I knew how was to reach out to God’s people. I was young and naive — not knowing how to connect and communicate well with others. I approached a co-worker once when I learned she is of Jewish descent. She grew weary of me believing I was going to convert her. I prayed to God to help me because it was never my intent.
In the autumn of 2018, God answered my prayers. I was invited to attend a conference sponsored by StepUp Ministry. It was where I met Rabbi Dinner, who introduced me to the Torah Bible study group. They have welcomed me with open arms. I am now part of their community.
In Hebrew, the number 40 symbolizes a significant period of time where testing, trial, probation, and transformation happens.
I was 42 when I experienced total silence from hearing my mother’s voice echoing through my soul. It was a wonderful feeling not having to listen to her toxic words.
She has always gossiped behind my back. Even though I testified my story to stop the rumors, my mother retaliated with harsher words no child should ever hear from their parent: “I wish you were never born.”
Fortunately for her, she has other children. Even though I was her firstborn, I was treated like an outcast.
Nevertheless, I did what any child would do for their parent: love unconditionally despite enduring detrimental and toxic treatments of my wellbeing.
It has been 5 years since I grieved the relationship between myself and my mother.
In Hebrew, the number 5 symbolizes God’s grace and goodness, which ties to the Hebrew word, “Hey” (ה meaning behold or breath) seen in the Pentateuch (Torah) to signify the 5 offerings required for sin and atonement (Leviticus 1 - 7).
This is also significant to the 5 loaves of bread Jesus blessed to feed the 5,000 people demonstrating God’s consistent grace and divine provision.
People say it takes 5 years to get to know someone. Relationships take time in building deeply meaningful and connected time together.
After the nurse handed my baby into my arms, I knew they were going to be smarter and more tenacious than I ever was. They have the same bright-eyed wonder when I was in my formative years.
My gift of discernment was never welcomed at my parents’ house. They saw it as arrogance and defiance. Despite how my parents treated me, I never treated my child the way my parents did. Other adults my parents’ age stated that not many couples at 25 would know what to do with children in the Golden Atomic Age of Capitalism. Mao Zedong was a prominent figure in Chinese politics during this decade, serving as the Chairman of the Chinese Communist Party and the first State Chairman of the People's Republic of China from 1954 to 1959. By the time I was born, my parents’ preconceived notions were to see to the children’s wellbeing until they’re old enough to take care of the family and the community.
As the firstborn child, I had to learn how to manage my anger. An emotion that needs to be addressed in the light rather than in the darkness. Many therapies sought to repress my anger, but with the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, they showed me how to acknowledge the feelings that caused the emotion to fester. Asking myself questions was how I stopped feeling invalidated.
Yes, I do get angry when people mistreat me — who doesn’t? That doesn’t give me the right to be violent towards the sadist. I admit — there were temptations in jamming a pencil in my parents’ eyes. I heard stories of American children killing their parents. As horrible as it sounds, I understand where they’re coming from.
People don’t realize children are humans too. According to Wikipedia, discipline is the self-control that is gained by requiring that rules or orders be obeyed, and the ability to keep working at something that is difficult. That makes so much sense to me than the Webster's definition: "the practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behavior, using punishment to correct disobedience." In Jim and Lynne Jackson's book, "Discipline that connects with your child's heart," they emphasized 4 essential messages:
- You are safe with me
- You are loved no matter what
- You are called and capable
- You are responsible
After reading this chapter, my heart ached, grieved, and sighed with relief. Despite being ridiculed by my parents when I informed them that I was required to take parenting classes after childbirth, I stood by the lessons I learned from that parenting class. Since Utah is a Mormon state, I was relieved that Jim and Lynne had come to the same conclusion that children should learn the fundamentals of self-care, self-regulation, self-reliance, resourcefulness, critical thinking, leadership skills, communication skills, moral and ethical values.
I had to learn all of these things at 23. By golly did my child teach me a lesson about self-control. I truly did my best to be the best mother and wife I could be for the family. I learned a very valuable lesson about leaving your parents out of your family’s lives.
Filipino parents will never consider their children adults. Yet, they coerce them to matrimony and contributing to the Filipino economy and community.
The moment I started setting boundaries for the sake of my family, my parents created rumors that I married a white supremacist, who has held me against my will and inculcated me to denounce my ethnicity.
If I could share wonderful stories about my parents, I would gladly do so in a heartbeat. My previous and current spouse were both private people. They both advised me against testifying against the rumors without provocation.
I wish I had an outlet. I miss my pets. All I have are stuffed animals. I speak audibly to inanimate objects just to clear my headspace. Even then, connecting with someone to have a shoulder to lean and cry on is scarcely possible.
The only option I have left is God. It matters not what I’m doing. I am in constant communication with Him — from the time I wake up in the morning until the time I go to bed.
You don’t need to subscribe to a religion to talk to God. It is written in the scriptures that whoever calls upon his name, he will come to them. Whether or not you believe in his son, Jesus (Yeshua/Isa), you cry and call out his name when you’re in trouble, his right hand will redeem you from harm. It becomes a different story if you ask God for things you desire in your life. A concept not many christians are willing to acknowledge and adhere to.
My point is that if you desire a good relationship and a healthy life, start with your own path of self-development and spirituality. There is no such thing as a “Jesus culture”. You’re either Jewish or a Gentile.
If being Jewish is not the path you want to go, then stop being wicked. By wicked, I mean intentionally harming others, especially being sadistic, apathetic, greedy, arrogant, selfish, and ignorant.
Just as Paul of Tarsus wrote to the church of Corinth, “When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. But when I became a man, I put away childish ways.” To this point, both Moses and Prophet Isaiah told the people of Israel that the promised land where their children will go, would have no knowledge of good or evil. You will find a child who shall know to refuse the evil, and choose the good. All your children shall be taught by the Lord, and great shall be the peace of your children
In Proverbs 22:6, the author emphasized, to train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old, he will not depart from it.
If you ever plan to have children, please treat them the same way you would want to be treated. Love them unconditionally, be patient with them when they struggle, guide them through obstacles, and celebrate their victories. The moment you treat them with respect and compassion, you have created a wholesome human being.
To be wholesome is becoming in tune with your emotions and the world around you. You are connected with the universe both in its natural chaos and order. When you are one with the universe, everything makes sense.
