Self-image

Does your perception of self-awareness exceed the expectations of others outside your reality?

If you are able to relate to someone other than yourself, do you find it difficult to understand where you stand in the relationship with the other person?

I will admit that I am highly self-aware of my identity and my self-worth. To everybody else outside my self-image, I am conceited, opinionated, impulsive, self-absorbed and stubborn. Because of these traits, I was physically, sexually, emotionally, mentally and spiritually abused. 

I still suffer from Clinical Depression and Chronic Anxiety. It first stemmed from a Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) at a very young age of 5. 

Knowing what I know now, I understand that all the tribulations I experienced was beyond my control. In the words of my Chaplain, "You should give yourself credit for being emotionally sound and courageous having been through such a traumatic childhood. If it had been me, I would have certainly jumped off the cliff."

Here's how I survived: I held on to the hope that my trials will end because I am an everlasting light that cannot fade. This body is only temporary. Let Death invite me to see my worthless life come to and end so that I may rest in peace forever more.

Death never came. 

I am doing everything in my life to be a better person - not only to be kinder to myself but, also to those who are around me. 

There are over 7.8 billion human beings on planet Earth. I will be making a lot of mistakes. I realize that there isn't anyone who can see what I see, feel what I feel or understand what I experience in order to connect and relate on the same level. 

I do not expect anyone to believe what I perceive in my reality. However, I will always present the truth as I see it or interpret it or understand it as reasonable as I possibly can. 

Try as I may, I will always be accused of being malicious in nature regardless of what I say and/or do. All I can do in my best intention, is to present what is true and right according to the present circumstance at hand. 

Wherefore all things considered, I have made a final decision to be consistent in what I say, use my words wisely and to mind my own thoughts. 

The reasons why I explain myself a lot to people outside of my circle, so that they can understand my past beginning, my exodus from adversity, and the new beginning I am embarking towards my self-journey of peace, reconciliation and redemption.

I don't share my story to be condescending or vindictive. When I share my story, I am expressing my experience from the emotions that came with it. It's a retelling of my point of view in retrospect from what I learned then during my reflection of what's happening in the present moment.

My therapist, Dr. Turner, has taught me that rumination is what led to my Clinical Depression. Whenever I express my thought, I have to ask myself these questions:

• What happened?
• What's stressing me out?
• What is my negative self-talk?
• What negative belief am I clinging to?
• What interpretations am I making?
• Which Cognitive Distortions apply?
• What am I feeling?
• What physical sensations am I having?
• What is my behavior as a result of my beliefs?
• What realistic and grounding statement can I use instead?
• Is there an alternative way of thinking here?
• What evidence do I have for thinking this way?
• Is this always true?
• Has this always been true in the past?
• Am I looking at the whole picture?
• What are the odds of this really happening or coming true?
• What would I tell a friend in this situation?
• What would someone I trust tell me about this?
• How can I get out of this situation?
• What can I do to make this better?

I'm a very emotional person. Keeping my feelings in check can be challenging. In the 42 years I have been alive, I realize that I will continue to make mistakes. Relating to 7.8 billion human beings will take a toll on my emotional psyche. I have a very small circle of friends. They are the ones who took the time to be patient with me. 

Trust me when I say, "Keep those friends close to you. If there are misunderstandings, miscommunications, unresolved issues, or tensions between either one of you, take the time to reconcile the relationship. Work out your differences. Be vulnerable with each other. Love is a commitment to supporting each other regardless of the circumstances. Being there for each other even when it's painful, challenging and frustrating. Learning to compromise each other's passion: - whether it be favorite food, preferred music genre, future dreams or concerns."

One of the hardest relationships I've ever had was with my parents. Now that my father has passed, there's nothing for me to do, but grieve - the fact that all my unanswered questions for his absence during my childhood, will never be revealed. Excuse me while I lament my sorrows. 

As for the familial relationship with my mother, there were more conflicts than resolutions. Despite my efforts of stating out facts of the matter, my mother has always construed my attempt of reconciliation as a condescending respect to her authority as a parent. 

Despite the truth presented to her in plain sight, she proclaimed that she never wanted me anyway. I was never my father's pride and joy (or so she perceived my father to believe that I was not born a boy), so she had to conform me to my father's expectations to be loved and accepted. Before my father's dying breath, he told me that he never said those things about me. 

"Gee; thanks, Mom."

I am unlearning all the excruciating experiences my mother had inflicted on me. As long as I can remember, upon reflection of this sordid relationship, I was barely allowed to speak. I've realized now that I was always made to express myself in written words. I was convinced at an early age, to start my first journal at 10 years old. I was made to believe it was to help me improve my ability to communicate. Instead of acknowledging my expression of thought, my mother used my written words against me. She accused me of disparaging her good intentions as a mother.

Here's the thing. God has placed within the heart of a mother a willingness to do whatever her child needs. When a godly mother faces life's demands without fussing, nagging, groaning, or comparing her situation with others' circumstances, she is determined to be the person God wants her to be. A godly mother is a servant (Matthew 20:26-28). 

Characteristics of a godly mother are shaped through experiences and over time of their children's livelihood. God doesn’t expect perfection. He invites all mothers to join Him on the journey. And as a result, He will bring about who you were meant to be through the process of sanctification not only as a parent, but as a temple of his Holy Spirit. 

Dear Mommies, we are so much more than the summation of our children. His purpose for your motherhood is that you would know him better, love him more, depend completely on his strength, and understand his faithfulness in a new way. God made you a mom to draw you deeper into his love and his story. The raising of a godly, happy, loved children is a gracious result of your deepening relationship with God. ~ Maggie Combs

After my journal, Carlos, was burnt, I was silent for the rest of my adolescent life. I started writing my journals again at 16. I had embarked on a new journey of self-discovery as a new Born-Again Christian. I was also encouraged to speak my thoughts when I enlisted in the military in 2000. Excuse me if I am unable to speak eloquently like the rest of the people in society.

Being aware of my frustrations in starting conversations in social gatherings, many people have expressed their concerns. Believe me when I say, "I am trying my hardest. I am adapting to the fact that I was never given the opportunity to communicate properly in public. If you were to meet my mother, you'd understand why I would speak with candor."  No, I am not a Vulcan. Vulcans speak with logic - not emotions.

Learning how to forgive oneself is not only challenging, but freeing as well. Forgiveness is allowing yourself the peace that you need to embrace your life with love, compassion, kindness, mercy, grace and joy. If it brings you consolation, I encourage you to read, 'The Power of Kindness,' by Doctor Piero Ferrucci. Self-reproach doesn't give you allowance to be kinder to yourself.

Building relationships can be scary and nerve-wreaking. If you're not comfortable in being vulnerable, don't force yourself into it or don't allow others to compromise your boundaries either. Earning trust and respect is really difficult to restore. The first experience of that conflict, will surely give you confidence of knowing what to look out for. 

Rebuilding relationships takes two people to work out their differences. If one is not willing, there is no point of trying or bothering to continue. Save yourself the stress and the headache.

Learning how to heal takes time. Take your needed rest. If you're body is not up to the task, let someone know what is happening to you, so that they can periodically check up on you if your absence has exceeded the normal activities from your routine. 

Learning how to communicate without prejudice takes effort. There are not enough words to express the thought needed to convey a message to others without it being misconstrued. Honestly, I give up too easily in communicating. I'd rather much write it out. That's debilitating myself further from getting better at communicating with others. Be kind to yourself and be patient. Hopefully, the other person is kind enough to wait for you to finish what you have to say.

I was told to identify my responsibilities in the relationship. I cannot control how the person sees me. However, I am responsible: 

• to acknowledge my emotions and how I feel about the situation.  
• to keep my values and beliefs.  
• to adapt to changes.  
• to acknowledge the actions I will be taking to be capable and effective in the relationship.

I have listed the series of events that kept me going back to the Starting Line with a calendar icon:

📅The first trauma I had in my childhood was my dog, Brownie, being attacked by the gardener, my mother contracted, to get rid of my dog. This memory gets triggered whenever I witness an animal being abused by either their owners or some asinine contemptuous person. In other words, I cannot watch movies where animals are being violently dismembered by depicted horrible human beings.

📅The first injury that I can remember was when I fell 10 feet from the playground's zipliner equipment. I'll spare you the gruesome details. By "gruesome," I mean by a 10 year old child's experience. That memory has been embedded in my subconscious. The pain still lingers. 

I was forced to walk in my broken condition at the time it happened. As a result, my body is sensitive to the barometric pressure of the Earth. Every bone in my body will hurt up to pain level index 7. Basically, I can tell you when a storm is coming and whether it's going to rain. I can't do much of anything once I'm incapacitated by the pain.

It was difficult for me in keeping a job due to my condition. Professional workplaces do not recognize this condition. I had to learn how to adapt to their schedule and workload assignments for me to attempt to keep my job. I've been through 16 companies before I kept a job with the current company I work with.

Another ailment of this condition is the state of my knees. Since my left foot was the first to land, I no longer have the cartilage to keep them moving smoothly when I walk or run. Learning to walk properly with a limp can be challenging. I have a tendency to trip and fall even on flat surfaces. I have sprained my left ankle 7 times. Of those 7 incidents, I broke the fibula twice. It hurts to walk. I have to buy special shoes. Unfortunately, not all prescription shoes are permitted for work environments. I had to buy expensive shoe inserts. Not all shoe insoles are removable. Thankfully, Skechers and the Walking Company make removal insoles for their footwear. 

Despite a foot injury, take notice of my warning. Do not walk on an injured foot even if you were given a crutch, a walking stick or a scooter. Request time off and get well. The pain and suffering you have to go through is not worth the medical bills in the long run.

📅 The first car accident I had was when a driver decided to turn left on a Straight/Right turn lane from the right of a very large pickup truck obstructing their view. Despite it wasn't my fault, their insurance company only compensated me $1,000 for damages. My previous spouse's car was totaled. The air bag exploded on my face (before I realized I was deaf since childhood). My ears were ringing, my lungs were covered in air bag particles, my arm was bruised from the explosion, my chest was bruised from the restraint of the seat belt and my legs were shaken from the blunt force impact of the head-on collision. Several witnesses help with my police report, which was brought to my previous spouse's attention. He was the Air Force Base Military Police at the time. 

The American spouse's complexity of finding creative ways to ridicule an Asian woman driving became one of his favorite pastimes. Regardless of how proud I was in learning how to drive a car and aced the driver's written test, I had to take the driver's practical exam 3 times because I wasn't stopping 3" away from the solid line at the stop sign. 

Even though driving a car was a breeze for me, people need to understand that I'm a very short person among these taller American people. I don't have that visual advantage. The reason why I passed the 3rd time was the driving instructor was impressed with my parallel parking. He stated, "It's the most impressive parallel parking I'd seen in my day; but you forgot to signal." 

I was playing arcade race car games since I was 10 years old. I didn't get my driver's license until I was 21 years old. I didn't get my first car until I was 22 years old. When I drove a PT Cruiser, I finally understood what the driving instructor meant. You can actually see the solid line. If I could do a driver's practical exam all over again, I'd ask if I could use a booster seat 😜.

My last car accident was enough to render me traumatized for life. If I had not hit on the brakes when I hit a rock, I would have veered off the road, landed on the ground level of the exit ramp, and possibly land on an incoming car "from the sky".

The divorce with my previous spouse wasn't easy. It was detrimental to all of those involved. In my family, the act itself is dishonorable. As a woman, it's debilitating my dignity. Even though I was legally married, I was emotionally separated in the marriage. He isolated me from society. He even questioned the validity of my employment. 

I WENT TO WORK! When would I have the time to have sex at work with the male co-workers? 98% of them were at my Dad's age! ~ Darkness in 2007

Truly infuriating, but that was beside the point. Thankfully, the judge saw through his attempt to persuade the jury that I was the estranged spouse. I was granted a legal document to be completely and physically separated from him. 

Convincing my family was another ordeal in itself. Christians believe that when a woman divorces her husband, was because of infidelity (John 4:4–26). It was never that for me. I was being violently abused. That is neither Biblical or Humane by any stretch of the imagination. God does not sanctify violence (Psalm 11, Proverbs 3 & 10). I was born into violence (violently abused by my mother) and I grew up in violence (Spiritually and Emotionally abused by the Christian churches my parents attended). It was time I stopped the violent cycle; not only for my sake, but for my child's sake as well. That was what I did. That is what I will continue to share. My experiences are my own.

I rode the bus for 8 years before my current husband let me use his car. Learning the bus route from a small town to a city was tedious. There were not very nice people misrouting you for their sake of amusement. Not all Department of Transportation agents are friendly. I learned that not all bus routes are the same for every state across United States of America. 

I've ridden public transportation in Brunei, Malaysia, the Philippines and the state of California. It's easy to understand where you're going and what to say to the bus driver to get you to your destination. As for North Carolina, it is like deciphering a hieroglyphic text. If you live in a town, you have to know which Municipal City bus you have to take, for transferring you to the city bus depot, before you can ride the bus, which will take you to your final destination.

The advantage for me now that I'm driving again is, I can use the bus route when the main roads are blocked by either an accident or a police authorization. Despite I would be behind a bus along the way, it's better than being stuck in traffic waiting for the road block to clear.

Learning about cars is fascinating. The way the engine runs, how the wheels are controlled and what maneuvers you can make based on the car you drive. Maintaining the car is also a continuous learning cycle. No wonder the User's Manual is as thick as a novel. Please, read the manual. It'll help you along the way, unless you're Brandon Farris. Please don't take this the wrong way. Brandon Farris is a wonderful person. I commend him for doing things his own way. That is what makes him so relatable. 

In my generation, we were left to our own devices. I did not have a parent supervising me on how to learn life skills. The only thing my mother ever did was demean my individuality, my identity and my self-esteem. 

Words my mother said to me:

• You're so stupid you can't even do things right
• You're so ugly that boys are making fun of your weakness
• You're so useless that you can't even be trusted to be left alone to do anything useful
• You're so obstinate that God will send you to hell
• I wish you weren't born so I didn't have to suffer all this abuse from your father

Words my father said to me:

• I need to think for myself or I will never learn to be independent
• I need to take responsibility of my actions or I will always stay miserable
• I need to live by example or people will never want me

Apostle Paul wrote to the church of Ephesus that no corrupt communication should proceed from their mouth (Ephesians 4:29). The power of your words can affect how people see, perceive and feel about you. How do you want to be remembered?

Toxic positivity invalidates human experience and can lead to trauma, isolation, and unhealthy coping mechanisms. In cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), changing our thinking patterns is an important part of treatment for both depression and anxiety. This includes changing mindsets, examining issues through different lenses, and even, positive thinking.

📅 When I first learned about Zox, I was ecstatic about their mission and why they do the things they do. The owner and founder is still very active and continues to share his mission. 

 Sadly, their Facebook community has grown toxic. I was kicked out because I was considered "promoting other artists that didn't belong in the Zox Community." Despite the experience, I can't blame the owner because he wasn't there and he wasn't the administrator of that Facebook community. 

I stopped buying from the online storefront because one of their employees decided that I wasn't a worthy client to deal with. I was labeled "a complainer and a disgruntled customer." She gave me credit points just so I can shut up and go away. I filed a complaint. However, it never went to Jason's office.

Most company policies are that if an order was not fulfilled, they were to notify a customer what happened, why it happened, and to give them a choice of what they want to do with the order. I was never given that respectful opportunity. I wasn't asking for an apology nor a refund. I just wanted my question answered: "Why wasn't I notified that my order wasn't fulfilled if you knew you had none in stock? The website clearly showed it was in stock when my order was placed." Instead I was met with a snide comment that I should have known there was a limited amount of the selected items and was never guaranteed to receive it. When I explained that wasn't the case, she blamed it on the person fulfilling the orders. She said that he miscounted the inventory, which usually tends to happen. I told her that wasn't very nice of her to say. She replied back, "Look, I gave you credit back since you don't want a refund and I already told you that you missed out. Just be happy you can buy something else you like from the store." 

The Zox community was not the only entity I left due to toxicity. I don't attend Christian church congregations for the same reason. There was so much hostility within the community - I couldn't fit in. I'm tired of fighting people who are unwilling to see to my needs as an individual. 

In order to thrive as a community, it takes more than just respecting an individual person to be considered as an eligible member. I have joined a lot of clubs throughout my life. One thing is certain. I CANNOT change my identity. What I can change is my behavior and my mindset. I cannot be someone you want me to be.

No amount of positive thoughts and attempts to “stay upbeat” would change that. ~ Simone Marie

A community results from a web of complex and interdependent relationships that form over time among individuals who share common interests, values, and aspirations. Community members care deeply about one another and work closely together towards a common purpose.

The things I value from people are authenticity - how they freely choose to live their lives, how modest they are in their achievements, how they love and respect others, how open they are in accepting other's differences, and how they learn and grow from their adversities.

That is one thing that a lot of religious leaders lack - authenticity. I would be lying if I wasn't being honest with myself. I was a young and naïve child, who believed every word my mother uttered. However, I was never gullible enough to apply all the things she told me to do.

A person who is naïve is inexperienced and doesn't tend to be suspicious of other people's motives. A person who is gullible is easily deceived and doesn't tend to exercise good judgement. ~ Professor Tim Cole

I was told to believe every word that God has ever uttered in the Bible (Deuteronomy 8:3). God is known to his people, the Jews, as Hashem. Abba Jehovah Jireh provides for his people and children who study His word and his Laws. He reminds them to love and be kind to one another. El Roi sees to the needs of those who call upon his name. He heals them and comforts them. El Shaddai (God of the mountains. The Hebrew noun shad (שד) means "breast" Genesis 17:1) protects and teaches the young. She gives them wisdom and retinue of elders to help them understand her lessons and inspires them to share the knowledge. She is all-sufficient in providing everything a child needs. Yahweh appeared before Adam and Eve (they heard His footsteps, Gen. 3:8), Abraham (Gen. 12:7; 15:1; 17:1; 18:1), Jacob (Gen. 28:13), Moses and the elders of Israel (Exod. 24:9-11), Samuel (1 Sam. 3:10), Solomon twice (1 Kings 3:5; 9:2; 11:9), Micaiah (1 Kings 22:19-22), Isaiah (Isa. 6:1-5), Ezekiel (Ezek. 1:26-28), Daniel (Dan. 7:9-14), Amos (Amos 7:7), Stephen (Acts 7:56) and the Apostle John (Rev. 5:1-8). He told each one of them "Do not be afraid. Take courage for I am with you always."

Before Jesus Christ came, no one really knew God as He truly is, a loving heavenly Father. Jesus Christ made that known in its fullness.  ~ Biblical Unitarian

📅 It was April 14, 1995. I have not turned 16 yet. I had just received my book report from my teacher. I had mostly "A"s, a few "B"s and 1 "D" for Tagalog. I was excited to let my parents know that I got a lot of A's on my book report. Unfortunately, they did not share the same enthusiasm I did. I was livid, frustrated and sordidly melancholy. Before I could end my life, my roommate's boyfriend walked in. Before anyone starts to judge this young man, he was one of my guardians at the campus. My main guardian was taking night classes. Someone had to be there watching me. No outside visitors (non-students/parents) were allowed at the campus after curfew. He convinced me that God had other plans for me. He showed me the Bible verse that made me read through the story of Joseph and Jeremiah. 

No matter how many times I tell this story, I am brought back to the same emotions as if I was stuck in time of that moment. "Why me, God? Of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose me? I don't deserve to live because my parents say I am not a good person. They want me to be punished like the people of Sodom and Gomorrah."

As I have said earlier. My experiences are my own. God kept his promise. He led me where I needed to be. Even though I still suffer from Depression and Anxiety, it wasn't as violent as it was when I was younger.

Do I still need to learn how to be a better person? Yes - absolutely. In all aspects of living a happy life, even if you don't believe there is a god in this universe, nature still has a way of humbling the most stubborn of people. I would know. I'm that living proof.